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Biggest mistake of my life
July 27, 2003
9:05 pm
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Two years ago, a relative was charged and arrested with molesting his grand daughter. This is a person who cared for my siblings and myself for years while we were children, and there was never a problem. My immediate family came to his aid, and some how I ended up being the person that took care of most of his stuff, as well as lent him support.

He was charged with 17 counts, 13 were dropped, and he was convicted of two. We were at the trial, and even at that point we did not believe it all as the other witnesses were not very believable, even the jury agreed. He was convicted of "criminal sexual touching" because he admited to touching her but while applying medication.

He had his evaluation per the Judge and then the sentencing hearing. At that time, it became evident that not only did he do this horrible thing, but much more. How he avoided prison all this time, I will never know. He is wanting to file all kinds of crazy law suits and wanting me to help him do so.

But, the bottom line is that I feel so... I don't know? Guilty? About helping him all this time, and now to find out that he really did do this. I recognize that he is still a human being, and he does deserve dignity. He will be in prison for 10 years. I have explained many times that I will continue to write to keep his spirits up, and that he must follow the guidelines set forth by the Judge. However, he is wanting me to "help him on his appeal case full time" - not taking into account my own life and family.

He is refusing to attend Sex Offenders Counseling in prison, and he will not admit that he has any kind of problem. He blames everyone else to the point of not taking any responsibility for any one single thing in his life. After hearing the other sentencing statements and the evaluation report, I know he has a real problem. But how can you help someone who will not help themselves, and lives in a total fantasy world?

I just don't know what to do.

July 27, 2003
9:26 pm
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Zinnie,
Listen to your gut and then take good care of yourself first and your own family. Please let guilt slide out the door as you have done nothing to deserve the guilt. Hugs to you.

July 27, 2003
10:06 pm
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MJ,

Thanks for the support.

The hard thing now is that I am receiving a steady stream of letters from him now, going on and on about needing support. Again, this is a man that thinks of nothing or nobody but himself. Due to all of his collect calls, we had a phone bill over $3,000.00 for one month. Can you imagine the anger, hurt and disappointment that not only I felt, but my husband as well. We had to actually make installment payments to the phone company, which thankfully worked with us. However, this person did not care at all, he was actually mad at us for not paying it right away so he could call.

I made the last payment on Friday, so I guess sometime Friday night or Saturday our line was finally "cleared". Well guess who called this morning, first thing before 9:00 a.m. I picked up the phone, and got the "you have a collect call from an inmate..." I did not say one word, just hung up.

I have terrible guilt over this, but I have my own family to be concerned about. Additionally, as I stated before all he wants to talk about is how he has been wronged, nothing is his fault, all of this is the fault of his ex-wives, etc.

He is also wanting to formulate a "plan" - well it is too late for that, he has already been tried and convicted. He has put in for an appeal, but I was there for the trial. Amazingly, although he had a Public Defender, the man was brilliant. Truth be told had he not insisted on taking the stand (against his attorney's advice), he would have walked. But, let's be grateful for small favors it got him off the street.

I guess it is my own "co-dependency" that makes me continue to feel obligated. Has anyone ever felt that way?

July 27, 2003
11:24 pm
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I have a cousin whose son went to jail for the third time and was calling me collect for a period of a week. I finally answered the call and told him that I would not accept any calls. He chose his destiny, so he must pay the price. When he recently got out, I didn't hear from him on his dime 😉

I am sure its hard feeling like you were so supportive and then to find the truth. I applaud you for realizing he is still in denial and blaming others.

Life is a gift. Enjoy it, one day at a time. You were there for him, now he needs to be there for himself. That is the hardest part of codependency. Knowing when it is about you and not them. You can start today, taking care of yourself. It's okay to quit supporting him because of your guilt.

My husband recently got a DUI. He is handling his problem. I haven't accepted it as mine. I am still working on my own issues which keep me pretty occupied. Raising a family is no easy task. Put your energy into your life and you will be rewarded lots more than if you choose to waste more time and money on this unappreciative person.

I am sure lots of others here can contribute as well.

July 28, 2003
4:29 pm
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I think the codependency and the guilt that you feel - needs to be played out and taken care of - within yourself and not with this person involved anymore at all.

He's victimized you like all the other people in his life I'm so sure. He's a taker, a vampire, one who feeds and preys on others. Nothing redeemable about him whatsoever. A typical psychopath. Read Dr. Hare's book called "Without Conscience" and there you have it - exactly what you are dealing with. "People of the Lie" by Dr. Scott Peck is another good book worth reading.

I wouldn't give this man the time of day from now on. I'd change my number and have it unlisted, too. You can give it out to people who need it. But this man - should never have your phone number again.

People like this count on the fact that you will have a hard time with yourself, even when you know that they have conned you in some way because the confusion will set in and you'll fight with yourself.

The thing is - they think very little of the fact that you have a heart and a conscience. It is useful to them when they can reel you in by it, but otherwise, they quite despise you for it. To them - you are incredibly weak because you have this and because they can con you - so in their eyes, you are beneath them and they think of themselves as superior to you.

I'm not so sure I believe that there was never a problem as far as him keeping you guys when you were little. I think that there may be more here than meets the eye. The mind is a funny thing.......how it can go into denial and close things off that are extremely painful. So don't be surprised if along life's path - you start remembering something even if it comes in bits and pieces, in panic attacks, sleep problems or flashbacks of some kind.

All I'm saying here is - people like this usually don't just become a predator, like one day - all of a sudden it just up and happens. I don't know how many times I've seen people be completely blinded and really not remember a thing and deny to the hilt that anything has happened, even lead you way away from it - only to find out later that - it did indeed happen. So, I'm just trying to prepare you for that - if and when it does start trickling out and you or your siblings don't know what's going on.

July 28, 2003
10:31 pm
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MJ and Ladeska,

Thank you, thank you, thank you for validating my feelings. To make me feel even better, I received a kind e-mail from his lawyer. He told me "I normally don't interject into other people's family business, but you need to cut him off!" His attorney is done with all that he needs to do, so I guess he could finally freely tell me this.

You are right in that he is a con man, and always has been. He has an answer for everything, and everything is a conspiracy against him. Ladeska, the first thing I do tomorrow will be to check out these books at the book store!

As far as anything happening when I was younger, yes, I have thought of that fact. The only other reason I can think why my sister and myself might not have been "bothered" is because more than likely we would have spoken up immediately, and my parents would have followed through to the hilt of prosecution. Not discounting what you are saying though at all, and you could very well be right.

Is he a predator? Yes, absolutely, which is why right now, I feel like the biggest fool on the planet.

Thanks for listening, and your opinions were appreciated.

Take care.

July 28, 2003
10:56 pm
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Dear Zinnie,

I understand how you came to offer support to this family member, and why you might not have believed that he was guilty. It would be a very difficult thing to have to face--knowing someone you care about is able to do something so harmful to a child.

We all cope in different ways. You don't owe any more than what you can, want, or are willing to do. There is nothing wrong with being realistic in knowing that you can't pay $3000 a month for phone charges, or work on his appeal full time.

There is nothing you can do to help him come to terms the things he has done. Can you imagine what it would be like to try to offer support to a family member who was blind, but insisted they could still see? There would be no way to teach them Braille. There would be no holding their hand when they crossed the street, or telling them their socks didn't match because to them, it's all good. They can see. If he is not willing to admit he is a sexual abuse perpetrator, there is nothing you can do to help him with anything else in his life, including his appeal. There is no meaning to his appeal. What is he appealing? He is denying, not appealing! You are not responsible for any of this and I would feel sad to know that you were feeling guilty and stressed about the situation he is putting you in.

Additionally, he is imprisoned and so his opportunities to behave in an abusive manner in the way he's accustomed are limited. He might be calling, pressuring, and forcing himself into your life as a way of feeling he still has enough control over people around him to continue to perpetrate abuse. It would be terrible for you to become a target. There are a lot of ways to abuse someone. Not all forms of abuse happen face-to-face.

I hope you are able to do what you need to do to keep yourself, your marriage, and others who are depending on you healthy and supported.

Sincerely,

Arwen

July 29, 2003
4:57 am
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Arwen,

Thank you for your message. A close friend and I had almost the same discussion today over lunch. That, now in essence I have become a target of his abuse. He is using my sympathies to gain control for his benefit.

What is he appealing? You are so right, in that there is nothing to appeal. I was there for the trial, and he got a fair one, with a lawyer that did a good job. So, you are right to point out that he is not appealing as much as denying.

You see, I have found that paying out this kind of money (phone charges, sending $ for commissary, making sure he had the proper clothes for trial, etc.) means nothing to him. He did not have to pay for these things. As an abuser and a user, he feels he is entitled to these things, and much more.

I have a wonderful husband, I really do, but he has limits too. He has reached those limits with this man as have I. Most people would care that they were coming between a husband and wife, but not him.

You see in his eyes and mind it does not matter who he destroys as long as he gets his way. He destroyed two marriages of his own, but it was NOT HIS fault, it was because of his wives. He was not promoted higher in the military, but again not his fault... it was his wife's fault. He could own this that and the other, but he was always having to take care of problems that his kids or wife caused. Funny thing, all the bills were in HIS name!

I think he has gotten away with alot in his life for a long time by continuously explaining it away by saying "it was a mis-understanding, a mistake, they took it the wrong way, that is not what I meant." However, as times have progressed and more people recognize abuse for what it is, he can no longer use these as an excuse. He also no longer has a military uniform to hide behind.

On an intellectual level, I know all of these things. The one thing that still bothers me though, is that I feel like a fool. But, live and learn.

Thanks for listening, all of you, and your advice.

July 29, 2003
12:04 pm
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Zinnie.........big misconception that - if anything had happened to you or your sister - you would have talked. Big HUGE misconception. That isn't the case at all with most cases of abuse. Children usually don't talk and they usually seal up the memory of it because it's just too painful. As you can see.......he's quite gifted with the way he talks and controls people and manipulates them. Use that on a child and see what you get, along with a very real fear attached to and God only knows - what kind of threats or other things are whispered into your ear and into your subconscious.

So, no, you would not have necessarily talked to anyone or remember at this present time. One thing is for certain though - he thinks he has you in his hip pocket for some reason. They really like to use people that they already have some kind of control over. And people like him "do know" what goes on with a child and how confused they get and how they repress memories and the shame of everything - if they do remember. He knows all that. All predators do and they use it to their maximum advantage. They could on our ignorance and on our need to deny such things even if things do crop inside us.

I don't know how many times I've heard from people that finally did come to grips with their past - that their abuser whether a parent, an uncle, grandfather, babysitter or whoever - that they were told if they ever said anything - either they would die or someone close to them would. And for many, many years - these people as they grew up would totally block this from their minds and not remember a thing, only that they had to do the beck and call of this person - or else.

So something is definitely up here and like I said before - get the hell away from him, stop doing ANYTHING for him whatsoever, change your phone number, make it unlisted, anything you have to, but stop engaging with this man. He is extremely dangerous.

July 29, 2003
1:26 pm
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Dear Zinnie,

A "fool" would not be in this place, writing about the things you are speaking of. A fool would not see the "big picture". A fool would not come back to this site to see what others think about the situation. A fool would not realize that they were in a bad situation. A fool would choose to remain there regardless of what his/her inner voice had to say.

You are not a fool. You are a kind, intelligent, caring, considerate, generous person who was "fooled" by a self-centered, manipulative, mentally ill person. It could have happened to anyone. Take this message from your intellect and put it in your heart.

Love,

Arwen

July 29, 2003
11:24 pm
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Ladeska,

After reading your post, I went back and re-read some of the letters this man has sent me over the past few months. You are so right... he KNOWS exactly how to manipulate, and what to say. Thank you.

Arwen,

Thank you for your kind words. I will take them to heart.

Thank you to everyone who has had something to say or add. I can never thank you enough.

Love,
Zinnie

July 30, 2003
2:56 pm
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I deal with these type of people on daily basis. You need to know that there is no help for a child molester over the age of 17 years.

He has a problem that cannot be cured and if you love your children you will never let him into your home. He will never change only get better at picking victims and keeping them quiet.

Sometimes tuff love is the best. You need to put all your time and effort into your own family and let him fend for himself.

Child preditors are the best at decieving and lying and telling you what you want to here. He will even find Christ in prison and tell you that he is a changed man. You will sorry if you fall for this . I know from experience. Take your family and run from him......

good luck

July 30, 2003
5:40 pm
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EVI!!!!!!! THANK YOU!!! AT LAST SOMEONE ELSE KNOWS THE BOTTOMLINE HERE!!! "PRECISELY"

As far as finding Christ in prison goes.......that's a common trick of the trade and one that they use ALL the time because for some dumb reason we disengage our brains when it comes to this and suspend all judgement and common sense and believe what someone tells us without examining the "fruit on the tree". And I do mean........Examine.

People pull the religion card and everyone just goes OKAY!!! Come on in! And they are the first ones to know just what to say, to know the bible better than you do and how to invoke sympathy and feelings. They know how to work it baby and they do it - oh so well..... Can't even tell you how many women I have known personally that have fallen for this hook, line and sinker. And if you question them it's OMG, but God forgave him, he's a changed person now!!! Really?? Somehow I don't think that what made the universe would want us to be quite so quick with the old - "come on in" routine. I think what would be appropriate is - okay, okay........I'm watchin', you start walking and I'll let you know way down the road what I think and in the meantime - you don't have immediate access to anything or immediate trust. You earn all that and that takes time and discernment and not alot of words, so cut that water off right at the spicket.

I think wisdom is a very valuable trait and if we do not have that and we reap the whirlwind then we pretty much get what's coming to us because - we can put in the effort to become wise and to seek knowledge. If we do not do that - then that falls right smack into the category of being like a sloth, which means - Lazy.

At the very root of evil - you will always find a great deal of laziness. So much so - that I think it would be fair to say that the people who could become wise and don't and let a wolf like this into the flock are just as guilty of the havoc they do as the actual wolf themselves. To be able to "do" and not do - carries a weight of responsibility as well.

July 31, 2003
9:03 pm
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Well, you all are right when it comes to playing the "found God card" - sure enough, now I'm getting letters, like eight or nine page long quoting Scripture. Yes, I'm sure if I actually countered him with something from the Bible, or the fact that he has/had done something wrong, it could be that "well, God forgave me, so should you." Of course he has not gone that far because he is still claiming innocence, he has done NOTHING wrong.

Some of the things that came out during sentencing was that when he was 19 or 20 years of age, he had affairs with two of his younger sister-in-laws. But, you see it was not wrong, because it was consensual. This is what he cannot understand why the court frowned upon this. After all, they AGREED. He does not take into account that these two girls were just that, they were girls. They were 13 and 14 respectively. Now you all know as I do, the difference between a 13 or 14 year old and 20 is a large as The Grand Canyon. But, as my husband said so sagely... "he just don't get it!"

This man, who is someone I loved makes my skin crawl now. He keeps sending me these letters, and they are just plain creepy. This last one also demonstrates how skewed this man's thinking is. This last letter he writes "I feel there is something wrong and you are not telling me. Please write and tell me what is going on with OUR relationship."

Relationship? What? First of all, we are related by blood, and I'm married. But you see, I have figured it out. To him, there is no interaction between men and women that can be anything BUT sexual. Leading back to his original problem.

Yet, there is still a part of me that feels bad. Does that make sense? I feel bad in knowing that he will be in prison for six to ten years, and yes, he DESERVES to be there. But, I think what "would it be like to be in that spot for that amount of time, and not receive any mail?? He is in there as a child molester, and let's face facts, those guys have kids on the outside, and strangely enough, there is "honor among thieves" so the abuse he doled out, he will be receiving, so for that I feel bad. I know it sounds strange, but I do. Maybe that is just part of being human, and with a conscience. One of the things I have thought about, is "if I was the person in there would this man do any of this for me?" The answer is no.

He has filed for an appeal. I shudder to think what will happen should he get one. First and foremost as cocky as he was for the first one, given another chance? They will need a court room three times the size just for his ego.

Laziness, yes, this describes this man. After all, what is he really mad about right now? The fact that I'm no longer running all his errands, and doing everything he wants me to do. I'm not getting these phone calls every week with a list of stuff he wants me to do.

The day after sentencing I went to pick up his clothes from the jail, and as it was a visiting day, I was able to see him. Well, first thing when he saw me, he threw a sh** fit, and I mean a fit. Why couldn't he get through on my phone? The court records were wrong, I did not do enough for him, his lawyer did a shoddy job, etc. Then has the nerve to tell me he needs me to go do... and starts naming off a list of things he wanted me to go do. I have not done a one.

He also some how or another was able to make a phone call from the jail booking office. Of course first and foremost he was mad because I was "out" - I mean how dare I right? But, the list went on and on even going back to me flying out there to hire him an appealate attorney (with what I don't know), and getting copies of documents that were over 30 years old.

I'm sure none of this shocks some of you, but I'm still floored that he would have that amount of nerve, but I'm learning.

July 31, 2003
9:22 pm
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Dear Zinnie,

What if the mail he sends and receives is a convenient distraction he uses to avoid facing up to his actions? Maybe he tells himself that if he can still maintain a relationship with you, then at some point in time if he is released, he's got his foot in the door where your family is concerned. What if he distorts the things you say in your letters, or the very fact that you respond to him and says to himself "I must not be guilty or this wonderful person would be out of my life." I guess I could "What if..." you half to death here, and that's not what I want to do. My only hope is for his recovery (an honest-to-god miracle if it happens!!!), and safety and well-being for you and your family.

On a tangent, I was reading about how so many people want to talk about how "god changed them". What a bunch of bullshit. We have free will. It's the only thing that god can't control. A person changes because they make that choice, not because god did it. I mean, if god could over-ride free will, we'd all be perfect, right? If someone isn't willing to say "I chose to make this mistake, and I'm chosing to make it right." then I thinks something's amiss. Just my opinion...

Arwen

July 31, 2003
9:32 pm
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Arwen,

You are absoltely right. I have always believed that God is the one that gave us the free will to make our own choices.

The saying is: "God gave us the gift of life, what we make of it is our gift to God." Which to me always meant, what we do is of our own free will.

Yes, he is trying to keep a foot in the door, I realize that. I'm just glad that I'm realizing this now, and not in six to ten and finding myself in a really bad spot because I fell hook, line and sinker for this mans lies.

Does he read into these letters? I think he does.

August 1, 2003
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Zinnie,

How dare he demand that you put your life on hold and be at his becon call. Let me tell you a few things about child molesters.....some of these things I am sure you already know.

They thrive on self pitty, they have no back bone of there own so they thrive on the thrill of children. Once a child molester always a child molester. In a class I attended once it was best discribed to me (concerning the mind set of the offender) it is like telling you that sex is wrong with your adult partner. They have such a desire for children they can't control it. Usually a offender will target a specific age group. Some like children under 5 some like prepubescent etc. That does not mean that if a situation arises they will not target out of thier preference.

Molesters have offended up to 200 times (not necessarily with other victims I am talking about incounters) before they are caught. They use guilt and even sometimes threaten thier victims. They justify thier actions by using terms like "it was consensual" or "they deserved it", "she/he came on to me" etc...

Your relative like prepubesent females which is sometimes the most hardest convict. What 13 or 14 year old female does not like to told they are special and found attractive by an older man. It makes them feel mature not to mention they are sexual courious anyway. Most victims of this age will never report the abuse because they are ashamed or chalk it up to a sexual learning experience. they do not feel they are victims until too much time has past.

Every sex offender I have known (which is lot, being working with them for about 10 years now) always finds "God" in jail. It is the only way they can deal with what they have done with out having access to any more children, it consumes thier time while they have nothing else to do. Don't think they have stopped thinking about the next victim or reliving the ones they have had already, they can't contol it. I hate when this point is discussed, because then family tries to go the other way and says that the offender has a illness which is out of his controll. My response to this is "Bull shit". If they (the offender) recongnizes the problem then the only way he can remain in society is be locked up or somewhere where he has no access to children and is constantly supervised.

How dare he demand you give up you life to there for him. He chose this path and is pissed off because he got caught. He will try to stay in your life to gain access to what he truly wants on the out side. With all the counts against him, I doubt very seriously he is innocent. I am sure he has already told you of the plot of the young girls out to get him and how he has been wronged by society.

You need to mark his letters "return to sender" trust me he will find some one else to write too, trust me they all do. His court matters are none of your concern. He has 24 hours a day 7 days to plan his attack and make his case. You may think his attorney did not do a good job but he knows all the evidence (some evidence is supressed in court, which means it can not be admitted and some evidence is with held for other reasons) sometimes the attorney is better to less in court or he will make matters worse for his client. I however do not know the detail of this case but it sound to me that he is lucky to be represented at all.

You need to be prepared, his next to you will be the quilt of suicide. How he just can't go on living life with out your support and if you don't believe him then he lost everything. Trust me it is coming so don't even put your self to having to read it.

I guess I am more cold hearted in this area concerning his treatment in prison. But since I have been honest with everything else why stop now. Number one, they separate sexual offenders from general population because you are right there is a code among thieves. You can kill a cop, rape a grown woman and even steal from your mother, but "God" forbid if you molest a child. Unfortuneately sex offenders seem to get the best jobs in prison, because they don't cause any trouble and are eager to please the superiors to show how good they are and how they could never do what they are accused of. But there are a few who get what I call thier just reward while in prison (you know what I mean). I only hope it hurts like hell. Did they think about the pain they caused thier victim (virgins). Have you ever held the had of a 6 year old or even a 14 year old who had been so brutally torn by a mans penis that she will never be able to have children? I have. You need to think of victims here and not the offender. You can not help you are realated by blood you can't pick your relatives but you can pick to have them out of your life.

I do not mean to sound harsh and do not mean to make you uncomfortable, but please do not fall into his trap. So far you have escaped his grasp, take your family and run. I will pray for you to have the courage to stand up and leave him in the dust.

evi

August 1, 2003
12:06 pm
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Hi All,

I'm so glad to have found this board, as I have a "safe environment" to vent.

First, Evi - although he had a Public Defender for an attorney, he was awesome. He was in reality one of the best attorney's I have ever seen, and that is saying alot as... my husband is a lawyer, although not in criminal law. The reason he DID get convicted is he would not listen to his lawyer because he was convinced that his lawyer was "part of the scheme."

Now for the scary part, and I hope for some reassurance that I did the right thing.

Yes, this man is trying to "hook up" already for his release. He wrote to my nine year old step-daughter, and asked her for pictures of herself. If I ever had any doubts, I don't now. Is he guilty? ABSOLUTELY. Fortunately his letter to her came here so I got it first.

Now for what I did. No, I did not send it back. I called his attorney and told him what I was going to do, and his attorney actually pointed me in the right direction. There is no longer a atttorney/client privledge as the case is over.

I called the local police, and faxed them over a copy of the letter. This is in direct violation of the Judge's sentencing, so it is another crime. Do I feel guilty? Well, yes, I do but not for the reason most would assume. I feel guilty for helping this man in the first place.

Also, Evi, let me explain something else. Although he admits to having sex with a 13 and 14 year old; he was convicted of molesting a seven year old. What damage can a grown man do to a child physically? Just like you said, the physical is bad enough, but the mental and emotional is worse.

I had a previous relationship before I was married that within the physical area was very abusive sexually. I was young and very inexperienced, but it left me very scared of other men. Fortunately my next partner was kind and gentle and I was able to move on. I hope this can happen for this man's grand daughter. However, she is so enmeshed in a dysfunctional family I don't know if it will. I can only pray so.

I'm sure the fall out of me contacting the police is going to be great. But, I will not stand by idley and watch this man attempt to contact other children. Blood relation or not.

August 1, 2003
12:17 pm
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Zinnie

My hat is off to you. You are truly a good mother and woman worth knowing.I do belive that emotional is worse than physical and in these cases the physical heals and emotional continues to fester for years.

I am so glad you got that letter!!!!Your daughter was next on his list and You may have never fogiven yourself if you would have let him in. I told you he was thinking of his next victim and he sure as hell was not thinking about all the help you were giving him but instead of what he was going to take from you. If there is anything I can do for you or if you need some information concerning anything at all in this area please let me know you are not alone. It sounds like you have good support there but you can never have enought support.

Thank God you found out now. Think of the trauma you have saved your daughter you are to be rewarded. Good Job!!!!! Please keep me up dated on this new situation. I love a good success story. Unfortunately in this line of work they are few and far between.

Your friend
evi

August 1, 2003
12:25 pm
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BRAVO EVI!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Damned it's good to have someone come here and say these things!! Don't hold back either. That's the way it is - served STRAIGHT UP. I have no idea why we dance with these people as much as we do, when there is no evidence to support that they ever change. They may change disguises, but that's about it.

I've become painfully aware in my lifetime - that it's been quite the evil thread running throughout mankind. We've been sacrificing children ever since time began here. Pedophilia is even like "caviar" for some people in high seats of power. I guess it makes them "tingle" or something. Pedophile rings are very real and very guarded. Bring the little children to me.......and I will destroy them for my satisfaction and amusement. We might be real surprised to know - just who among us - delights in these kinds of practices.

Everything Evi said - is right on the money guys. Couldn't have said it better myself. You cannot "dance" with these people at all. It's not like they just slipped up and had a little accident. That's not what child molesting is, okay? We have to learn how to identify predators and to know that some natures.......you never change. They are what they are and if we will dig into the statistics, they bear that out. The facts are there, so we need to act/think accordingly.

August 1, 2003
1:44 pm
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Dear Zinnie,

I'm in awe of your courage and determination to do the right thing. I hope that in time you'll come to realize that in the beginning of this situation you acted out of kindness because that's who you are, and there is no reason to feel guilty about that. I hope when this day comes, you'll realize you don't need to forgive yourself for anything because you did nothing wrong--then the guilt will disappear.

Regarding what is said about pedophilia, and sexual abusers never changing--I believe this is true. I don't know what you or others have read in other threads where I've posted so I will say again that I was sexually abused, and when I was 12 I perpetrated sexual abuse on my cousin who I believe was 5 or 6 at the time. Despite the fact that I perpetrated once, and despite the fact that I was 12, to this day I feel certain "triggers" around this particular issue. This is not to say that I feel the desire to sexually abuse a child, but I will still feel this particular disgust and disdain for a child who displays characteristics that remind me of who I was when I was abused. When this happens, there is a brief flash of emotion, wanting to punish that part of me that I see as weak, and a "victim". Maybe this is why I turned to self-mutilating.

Although I have never again sexually abused anyone, I know that aspect of me is still alive somewhere inside of me or I wouldn't feel "triggered" when I'm reminded of who I was when I was abused. I don't know if this is making any sense. I have to work hard to remain in touch with the fact that this part of me exists and is potentially extremely dangerous because if I don't, then who knows? Maybe I might be just like this man you know. Nothing scares me more than knowing that.

Arwen

August 1, 2003
5:28 pm
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Arwen,

When children perp on other children it is a whole different group of feelings and cirumstances. I find you interresting.

I am assuming you are a male, if I am wrong please correct me. But by the terminalogy you use and other lingo that is what I picture.

When a child is abused (expecially boys) they for some point in time have a problem with sexual identity. Depending on the age there is quilt for possible pleasure that was felt and hate for the act it's self.

Normally a child victim will offend someother child the same age he/she was when he or she was first abused. But there is always the confusion of victim during the time they are dealing with the abuse the need to inflict pain on someone immediatly. Offenders under the age of 15 and 17 are able to be helped. Number one they do not really know the meaning of sex and have not really had a emotional attachment. They have victims because of experimentaion not necessarily because of a adiction or desire, they just don't know any better.

If you have not offended since the age of 12, I am assuming you got into some type of program or had sometype of counseling to help you deal with your own ordeal. If not you truly need to. You were a victim once, don't continue to be a victim to your self.

The deep monster inside of you could be the demons you have never been able to release. I don't know how old you are now, but one of the most devestating things for a man is to admit in the first place he was violated. In dealing with sexually abused children boys under the age of 8 seem to be more able to talk of the abuse done to them. Boys over the age of 8 are much harder. They have the fear of the incident not to mention the fear of how family will now view them and what thier friends will think. Even though the rights to victims are protected as far as keeping the names out of the paper etc. It is not hard for the public to put two and two together. This presents a whole new set of issues for the victims.

Turning to self mutilation indicates to me that you are blaming your self more and more and that you feel the need to hurt. Or I could be totally off base and you are they type that is starving for attention. I don't think you are this type of person. You seem too honest at this point. I encourage you to do some sole searching and figure out who you are and not who you think you are. You have the choice to be anyone or anything you choose to be. You could use your experience and knowledge to help others who have found themselves in the same boat. Believe me there are too many out there and too many that just don't care. Your childhood is in the past, your adult hood has yet to be lived.

know your triggers and limitations, but make sure they are yours and not what you think they should be. It sound to me that you have been too hard on your self and are missing out on the biggest part of life. Live........

There is a lot of help out there for you grab it and live a life worth living.

I hope I have not offended you and I hope you will continue to talk to me.

August 1, 2003
7:40 pm
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Arwen,

I would not put you in the same category as this man/monster.

For one thing, you admit to what you did, and you know what you did was wrong. You also take responsibility for your actions 100%, and are very very aware of your situations and surroundings.

Additionally, as I tend to "over-intellectualize" things, I have read numerous books on sexual deviation since this whole situation came up. Evi is correct in saying that if you recognized the problem, and got treatment or counseling before the age of 17 - then hopefully you rec'd the help you needed, and are not a predator.

I talked today with an investigating officer today regarding the letter I faxed over to the local police dept. in NM where this man is. In all honesty, he did not seem too interested. Too many cases perhaps? I don't know. What really scared me was that his reaction was "well, he is already in prison, what do you want me to do?" What do I want him to do? I want him to take the report, file it and follow through. I see how so many of the abused (not just children, but men, women, elderly, young - any that cannot defend themselves) get lost in the shuffle.

Prior to the sentencing, he had been in the county jail for two years. During that time I came to know his case worker who is an awesome woman. She is tough, as she has worked with these folks for close to 30 years. Anyway, she called me today, just to see how I was. I told her about the letter, and let me tell you she exploded! She said one of the reasons she even gave him the time of day was because she had come to know me. She felt that if he had MY support, that there had to be some goodness in him. However, she knew something had changed right before sentencing because he had such a changed/different/nasty attitude. Finally to the point where she said she had to have a talk with him or he would lose what priveledges he had. One of his comments to her was "that I was cold and unfeeling to him in the court room." What the heck is that? We were in a court room, not a park or movie house!

But, anyway... she also told me that I have every right to be concerned. I asked her why, and she said that in one of their final coversations, she felt that he made it very clear that he does not view me as a "cousin" - he see's me in a different light. Which again, makes my skin crawl. When I said in a prior post that he did not care if he came between my husband and I, well I was right, I think he would love to come between my husband and I. Additionally, most of my friends have kids around the age he seems to prefer. What better shopping ground?

To think that two years ago, I offered this man unending support, and even a place to live. I shudder to think of what could have happened.

Zinnie

August 1, 2003
8:20 pm
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Zinnie,

I am so sorry you were treated the way you were from law enforcement. It is people like him that give us all bad names. You need to know there that there is alot that can be done with your letter.

I know things differ from state to state but most prison systems have sexual behavioral classes and sex assessment classes that must be completed before release. The sex assessment board are the people that interview offenders and put them on ranking systems for the sex offender program. Does you state have the sex offender registration program in progress? If they do your letter must get them! If nothing else it will rank him in the highest catagory which means once he is released from prison law enforcement must close tabs on him. It can also stop him from living or being with in so many feet (sometimes further) from a school or even busstop. It can prevent him from being anywhere there is children. Depending on his ranking will also depend on who is notified. If he get ranked in the highest level it is information that can be told to the whole community.

I know that law enforcement can be overwhelmed with duties at times but if they lose thier compassion for the job then they need to get put into a different area or hit road. Sometimes hands are tied and unfortunately the laws (at least here in our state)have been changed so many times when it comes to sexual crimes against children. They have made it easier for the perp to have more rights then the victim. Sometimes there is nothing Law Enforcement can do until contact or threats have been made. Is this wrong? Hell yes. I fight with the system on daily basis.

How can a person with get 60 years in the pen for just a small amount of meth (not condoning drug use here) and someone who has molested a 3 year old get 6 years of probation?

It sounds like his case worker can work to your advantage. You use what ever angle you can to get your point across.

Don't give up, if nothing else you may even have to write your Senator or Congress person. If you put half the effort into this as you did trying to help him you will succeed beyond your wildest dreams. It is people like you that can make a difference.

This road will not be easy, you will hit more brick walls than you can think possible. But in the end all work out for you. It already has if you look at the big picture...he will not victimize you or your family.

August 1, 2003
8:49 pm
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First of all, thanks for your support, kind words, and encouragement. I am a 40 year old woman, bisexual, with a 14 year old daughter and 17 year old son. Never been married. And living in New Mexico, so, Zinnie, if there is anything I can do, please let me know. I might not be in an area near where your cousin is, but if I am, then I can tell you that I know a LOT of people, born and raised here, and have lots of connections with different agencies. I would be glad to do anything I'm able to. Just to give you a general idea, I live in Southwest New Mexico.

I didn't get counseling until I was in my late 20's and early 30's. I went for about two years and worked through a lot of the things that happened to me in my childhood and what I did to my cousin. Only recently I came to realize that my abuser was still abusing me. It's a long story... I'll explain it another time if you're interested. At any rate, I do social work because I want to try to make a difference for people like me before they grow into adulthood and realize that everything is a mess.

I'm glad to have this thread. It is helping me see a lot of things about myself, both positive and negative, that deserve some of my undivided attention.

Sincerely,

Arwen

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