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Big Fight with Best Friend--now I'm lost and fear they he will never speak to me again
August 20, 2006
2:54 pm
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bouncy
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I had a big fight with my best friend about a topic we have had discussions about in the past, but this time I don't think he is going to forgive me. First, it is a male/female friendship, and we get all kinds of pressures from outside about how we should be dating or married, because we get along so well. In our past disucssions I have expressed to him the fear I have when he finds a girlfriend, because our relationship will end. I know how females are, and she won't tolerate him having a best friend with a woman. He has always claimed that he would never date a woman who couldn't accept our friendship. Well, I've put on a brave face and tried to handle females that have come along in his life. However, this weekend he had a out-of-town female friend visit. I knew that he was hoping it would be more. We all went out together, I thought I was acting as I normally do, I was friendly and outgoing. He claims I was always trying to one up him when we were out, and he got mad at me because I broke down and started crying. Now he feels like I have betrayed him, that I have been keeping from him deeper feelings. I don't think that is it at all, I think I just fear that I will be replaced as the important person in his life, and I will be left alone. But after all this I think I have ruined it and things will never be the same, and I am alone. He is taking some time to think things over and then we will probably talk, I'm so afraid that I have lost my best friend forever, and I don't know what to do. I live far away from my hometown, and I don't have many other friends out here. All I have the energy to do is sleep and cry.

August 20, 2006
4:02 pm
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santino
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I know how you feel love and I know it's an aweful feeling, I really hope he comes around and realizes how important your friendship is to both of you. Lifes to short to be fussing and fighting (the beatles 🙂 ) Good Luck and I know it's hard but try to stay productive, it'll help. Believe me, I know.

August 20, 2006
6:29 pm
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bouncy
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Thank you, santino. What have you done to stay productive? This friendship has pretty much been my free time. We would spend the whole weekends together, and now I don't remember what I did before that. I went to the grocery store this afternoon, and I'll I did was cry. I'm sure people thought I was crazy. I'm going to go to church in an hour, I hope that helps.
My biggest fear is that I'll cry at work tomorrow, and everyone there knows about our friendship.

August 20, 2006
11:29 pm
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Amazed
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Bouncy,

I think it's very easy to feel like you do. I think all of us in one way or another really count on a close friend and need those kind of friends to bounce things off of. But I also have to wonder what your feelings truly are for this guy? If it's like you say it is, where you are so close that you meld well with him then are you feeling a little closer to him than you want to admit? I think your first step is to be able to look yourself in the mirror and ask what you feel. What you are hoping for and what you are truly feeling.

I have been there myself. You get very caught up into that person and you want to be with them all the time but maybe you are worried that you would scare them away if you asked for more? Maybe they might not feel the same way and you'd be hurt then?

What happened to me is that I got very caught up in that person. We did everything together - shopping, decorating, dinners, etc. We both skirted around the whole love discussion and just accepted our friendship as a really good one. We too had the same conversations with others - how we should be married - we already fight like them and care for each other. We would jokingly talk about it and I enjoyed that too. But this person would always say I just wasn't their type? HUH? We hung out all the time....what other type was there. We'll eventually they found their type. And slowly the friendship started to degrade - we didn't talk as much, we didn't go out because my friend was now spending time with his new found love. Slowly it started to hurt more and more. I felt very alone and missed my friend. I would tell them that and they would say no it's not that way at all. But dinners, if they came were with the the new friend. So it was very awkward. The three of us sitting there trying to chit chat about things. Eventually it just didn't work. I was VERY lonely and spent a lot of nights crying and trying to figure out where my friend was and what THEY were doing now. Finally through many sleepless nights I figured it was time for me to find my new friend too. Eventually I did, and I'm still friends with my old friend but it's no where what it once was. When we talk now it's very protected and just isn't what it used to be.

What I learned and wished I had done from the beginning was to take a look in the mirror and admit to myself that I loved that person - a lot. That I wanted more. Then I think I would of asked, when joking about it, if this person wanted to date. I have found out that not only is the accpetable but it also puts the cards on the table in a more friendly fashion. Both parties can joke it off if it's not right but if it's something both people want then maybe it works out well.

I wish I had done that now and I think the eventual hurt might have been replaced by love or at least I could of prevented myself from becoming so hurt by the eventual end of a great friendship. For me, I always felt like this friend ended up on the best side - they found someone they loved and we're able to stand tall in our friendship struggles. To me they aren't losing anything but instead just replacing. Whereas I felt I lost a great friend and didn't have someone else to replace them.

So my suggestion would be to look in the mirror and find what you are truly seeking from this one person. If it's a close friendship or if it's more you should admit that first. Then talk to the other person and ask them some questions about how they feel and what they are looking for. General questions which might give you your answers. If not ask until you do get them. It will be a lot easier than going home by yourself and getting many sleepless nights wondering what they might be thinking.

By the way, it was very hard for me to move on. But I did, and I actually found someone even better. Not my solemate but definatly someone who wants to know as much about me as I do them. Someone who calls me every day to see that I am ok and we just check up. We both have mates and it doesn't work well when they are around - and yes we are both very honest with them about our friendship and the things we do. I have had touble in the past with cheating and so I now make it a point to share everything with my spouse. But we all are adults and trust each other. I also get so much from this friend - as an outlet - that it actually helps me at home too!!! Those friends, if and when you can find them, are worth so much and they are worth fighting for. But you have to be honest with yourself and your feelings first, and then, if it's a relationship worth fighting for, have a deep, no secrets or hidden desire, conversation. Maybe have a glass of wine or two and open up - be honest and ask a lot of questions - at least 4 for every comment they make - and you will be amazed at what comes from that.

Also don't be afraid to just admit that this just doesn't feel right anymore. Trying to keep something alive will only hurt more in the future. Take it from someone who knows and still feels hurt - but there are so many great people out there - if you found one, you'll find more. Just like my friend did and I did.

August 21, 2006
8:16 am
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hopeful for change
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I had a close male friend like this for years...I saw how he treated other women, he was kinda a slut...but just loved and appreciated how he treated me. Always treated me like a princess, we would even sleep together alot in the same bed and he never once tried anything.

Then he moved away, and I was devastated, we remained in contact for years. He came back in town and we looked at each other different, we started having sex and he was promising the world, and I thought wow here has been mr perfect my whole life. then it turned out he was treating me just like he had any other woman, but had me sucked into a lie. So now we have no friendship at all. I feel like we never did. I was just blind.

August 26, 2006
3:44 pm
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Melpomene
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My best friend and I have a similar relationship. We didn't start out as friends tho, we met at a high school football game, and shortly after that started dating for a few months... 6 years ago!! We broke up for college. But have been inseperable since. We've both dated other people... we don't always approve of the other's significant other... okay well he's never approved of any of my boyfriends, which is fine I respect his opinion. I don't think he'd approve unless it was him! lol I've actually gotten along with his other girlfriends pretty well actually. I figure if he truly cares or loves them, then they must be okay, and I do my best too. Now his latest fling, I'm not so crazy about, she's alittle standoffish and highly competitive, he knows I feel that way... it was hard to tell him... but I didn't want to lose him as a friend... so I was honest... well it turns out she doesn't care for me too much either! go figure right? Well his response was, "she's my best friend, and that's how it's going to stay" I was really shocked by that and yet I was very touched by it too!

Try not to get yourself so overworked about it. I'm sure your friend was probably just hurt b/c you were hurt. Guys don't always know how to react when someone they care about gets hurt by something they do. You have to let him know how you feel, but you also have to listen to his feelings as well. He will always be your bestfriend even if there is a gf in the picture. Sure relationships change a bit, but you can still call him.

Maybe you should call him first, just to let him know you still want to be his friend...

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