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BF offers $$ help....fear of "control" if I accept his help
September 19, 2005
9:19 pm
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StronginHim77
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Social Security dramatically reduced the disability money I rely on. I can no longer afford to continue seeing the psychiatrist who has been helping me recover from issues caused by childhood abuse. My BF sees the same psychiatrist and has offered to pay the doctor for my treatment. I am very reluctant to accept this offer. Whenever I have allowed anyone to help me in the past, (including my own mother), it has come back to haunt me. When people help you out, they place expectations on you...you "owe" them. They feel entitled to criticize and control your daily decisions. Every expenditure falls subject to their scrutiny and judgment. I think I would do better to give up the therapy, rather than open the door for my BF to control my life because he has "helped" me. For the record, I have never accepted a dime from this man, even though I am a disabled widow and he is a millionaire. In fact, I have occasionally treated HIM to lunch/dinner out, so that I can maintain some independence from him. This is a tough one for me. Your insights are welcome, my friends.

September 19, 2005
9:37 pm
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Anonymous
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I think you have a very valid point...and a valid fear.

money has a tendency to tear apart people, even those with the best intentions.

that being said...

is there a way you can "work it off" - like doing bookkeeping or housekeeping or such (don't know the nature of your disability).

is there any way to pay for therapy on a sliding fee scale?

is there any clinic you can go to, with reduced rate or free?

can you go to a 12 step meeting instead?

if you are on social security, do you have medical benefits? is it the copay you can't afford? can you work out something with the therapist (tho I suspect it is illegal, I know that it is done).

is there some kind of work at home you can do to supplement your income - either on computer or a craft to sell at craft fairs or such...babysitting...um....um...I am sure there are other ideas.

is there something else you can cut back on to afford it?

can you recycle cans? have all your neighbors aware, so they can toss theirs your way (so many people don't recycle and are glad to give them to someone who will).

I think you have valid thoughts. At the same time - you can't let past hurt by others jade your response to this offer of goodwill. maybe your therapist can offer ways to make sure this offer of goodwill stays JUST that and how you can be sure it doesn't hurt your friendship.

I hope maybe my ideas will give you some insight into other options.

September 19, 2005
9:53 pm
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StronginHim77
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Dear Alicat...

Bless you! What wonderful ideas you shared! I would never have thought of them. I was focused on my PROBLEM. Thank you, dear friend.

I have already put a call through to the BF and asked him if we could "dialogue" about a trade-off, wherein I earn the therapist money each week with designated tasks which would benefit him. Your suggestion is truly a Godsend. I never would have thought of it.

My disability makes standing and even sitting difficult for any extended period of time. However, I am able to sit up for short periods of time (up to an hour, perhaps) for secretarial/bookkeeping chores. I can do some light housework, laundry, etc., as long as I lay down frequently. The only chores I cannot do would be vacuuming, mopping, cleaning shower stalls/tubs, or anything which requires lifting or exerting pressure (like mowing a lawn?). Those tasks would be impossible for me. But I can dust, fold laundry, put away dishes, etc. I am also a whiz at balancing checkbooks with bank statements, filing and writing business letters. So, hopefully, I can find an acceptable way to EARN that $125/week and continue my therapy sessions.

Thank you so much, Alicat, for your help. Sometimes, the answer is lying right in front of us. We just can't see us because we are blinded by the Problem. You saw an answer for me.

: )

Strong

September 19, 2005
9:55 pm
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StronginHim77
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P.S. I qualify for Medicare benefits in April 2006. But that will not cover psychiatric care or Rx's. Just my doctor bills. But that will be a big help to me when it comes.

September 19, 2005
10:07 pm
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once you qualify for other benefits, perhaps the weight of paying for THOSE bills will free up some money for you to afford the other ones that aren't covered.

also - I would ask the therapist what options they have - I know that most therapists have a "posted" rate - but they have "secret" sliding fee scales for people who need it most...wouldn't hurt to ask - especially if it meant reducing the amount you need to "work off" in exchange with BF.

I don't know much about medicare - but always thought that it covered most medical - including specialists - but know that prescription coverage is something entirely different. with a primary care referral, maybe you can qualify? just another thought.

is your medicare based on your age? (can never get them straight) - because of your disability - can you get title 19 - which covers most everything???? my grandma is legally blind - and has had title 19 insurance all her life and then when she turned 60 something - got the medicaire or whatever old people get when they turn the right age.

I am glad I could help.

if you can do online stuff - look at wahm.com - it has referrals to companies that you can work at home for - and they are legitimate and you set your own hours and such - if you want more info on work at home - I can try to ask a friend of mine who has made quite a success at working at home while being a stay at home mom of three young boys.

as far as trading off - keep in mind that to make sure you don't feel like he is giving you something for free, that you know the going rate of whatever services you provide (sounds kind of kinky...lol) and that you keep track of your hours and such - just like a business arrangement. That way you have the assurance that if it ever comes back to you that you are given something for nothing, you have documentation that you EARNED what you got. just be careful, cuz ANY business arrangement between friends that involves money has potential to go sour - but if you dot your I's and cross your T's - there is less risk and you can sleep better at night.

and yeah - sometimes you gotta step away from the problem to see the solution - guess that goes along with throwing it out to your higher power or letting it go or detaching....

the things we learn!

September 20, 2005
10:58 am
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StronginHim77
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My Medicare coverage will be based on my disability, not my age. (I am "only" 55!) I do not know what "Title 19" is. Would have to ask my disability attorney's office.

I will check into your suggestions. However, I am only permitted to earn $690/month doing parttime work. If I exceed the $690, I lose my disability benefits. In short, Disability is designed to keep the "poor" very poor indeed!

September 20, 2005
11:08 am
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yes, I hear you - I was on state aid while my daughter was small and I know how it goes...and the problem I have now, is I am too poor to be rich and too rich to be poor - I am the working poor.

some jobs you can do under the table - like the book keeping work you can do for your BF - it's a barter. but there are work at home jobs you can do part time - even one or two days a week even - if you can make up to $690 a week - why not try?? - make it a goal to make $100 a week, so you don't risk going overboard - remember, they take your weekly income and multiply it by 4.3 weeks for a monthly AVERAGE. I got caught in this trap when I went back to work, figured my weekly rate multiplied by 4 and just squeaked under their limit - but lost all benefits when they multiplied it by 4.3. I couldn't change my pay rate to continue to qualify, so sucked it up and made the best of it.

title 19 or title IX is the state insurance they give out for people on welfare, as well as disability I think...medicaid is what it is I think...again, I always get them mixed up - but think it's medicaire and that alot of state offer it to disability people as well as welfare households. I would think your lawyer would have you signed up for all you are qualified for, but it can't hurt to ask....call your local social services department and ask - perhaps you qualify for other things too - food stamps, other medical coverage or aid or something - also, not sure what part of the country you are in, but energy assistance can help with winter heating bills or summer cooling bills.

many programs out there if you are willing to educate yourself, look for them, ask for them and do the paperwork, which is usually the biggest pain in the whole process..

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