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BF broke up with me on assumption i was cheating
October 22, 2006
5:31 pm
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starsky1
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I have been up all night. My BF and i have struggled lately because after 9 mths of dating i was getting mixed messages of any type of future for us. I sat with him one night and tried to explain that i had hoped to find someone who was going along the sam epath i was in a relationship. He had no response ( it was at the end of my day with him)...he said let me get your stuff ( sending me on my way)..i said is that your response. He said " you made a statement now lets get your stuff. He is a very controlling person , but not enough to where it bothers me, unless its odf something thatis serious to me. Anyhow. I had asked hin a week ago if we could go out this Saturday. He said he had to work. He is a policeman and had to do security at a Halloween shop. Teh Friday night before he went out with his buddy for 4 hours to a place called Daniels...calls me on his way home to tell me...( as im sleeping)....sadly enough it made me mad to think, fine i am not goig to stop by and say hi to him while he is on duty on my way home from work which was about 2 miles away....i made arrangements to go out for the evevning and just avoided him and his calls. He doesnt answer my calls when i call him when he is out...yes it is very immature, but i felt it was time he see what its like....( I am more of a convience thing for him)....So i went out...and was supposed to meet a girlfriend at this Daniels place...well she didnt show...typical but two men asked to sit at my table, I had been sitting alone for about 30 minutes...so when they asked i said sure, but that i have friends on the way. Another 45 minutes later or so...my BF comes in with one of his buddies...comes over to me says hi, hugs and kisses me, introduces himself to these two guys...actually at this time..oneof the guys had went to use the restroom, so in his eyes Im sure it appeared i was on a date...i was thankful when the other guy appeared , but the problem was that my friend didnt show up..and im sitting here with two men...i had avoided my BF calls...and now it loooks bad...I eventually got up frm teh table with the guys and went to sit with my BF...i asked if they mind if i sat down, he said he did mind...but i sat anyways...i didnt want to go back to the guys ( they had started bashing my BF becuase he was a policeman)...anyhow, i sat for about 30 minnutes and got a call from my kids that needed a ride home from the movies...well..after i left....one of the guys went up to my bf and said...Are you the boyfriend, supposedly he said not anymore...and my BF friends asked if we worked together...( which is what i had told them because i knew my BFwould be mad if i allowed to strange guys to sit with me....)...long and short of it...20 minutes later i get a call from my BF saying he never wants to speak to me again, that i am a lier and a cheater, and he saw my true colors ...over and over again...i triewd to explain but he wouldnt listen...he told me to shut up, and learn how to pick and choose the peope i associate with....this whole story sounds so silly....which is why its blowing my mind...if he is so hurt...what the heck for...i didnt DO anything....I love this guy...we rarely bicker, maybe had 3 disputes in 10 months...now this....I had tickets for us to go to a Jazz show tomorrow night....now i have nothing....i dont have a clue to handle this....i do not want to be dumped on the basis that he assumes i was cheating...that is teh one thing i do not do...he has however in the first few weeks we were dating...if you can really call that cheating then...and has lied to me about being at work when he had plans with his friend....so go figure...Can someone offer me sound advice...i KNOW i acted immaturely by doing what he does to me...i admit that....but i do not wany my relationship to end like this...

October 22, 2006
6:13 pm
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Devon
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Give this one up. It could be that he himslef has found someone else and he just wants to move on and, instead of playing fair and being honest, he projected his own feelings onto you and blamed you for them. You see, he gets to feel good about cheating on and dumping you if you are the one to blame. Walk away. Do whatever it takes, but get away from this.

Tatoo this to your forehead: I deserve so much better.

October 22, 2006
6:42 pm
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needtoheal
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I most definitely agree ....

walk away.....

October 22, 2006
8:33 pm
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starsky1
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Hmmmm Good insite! I must admit i had partial suspision that maybe he might have something else going...( girl on the side).....but that was just me looking for excuses for his actions. Still doubtful but possible.

So many of my friends and family tell me he is so wrong for me. I know down inside, but i struggle with moving on simply because Im in my early 40's and the picken's are very slim....i have been divorced 6 years...i guess he was the first 1/2 way decent relationship....you start to feel like you will never have a loving relationship ever again..so you ( I ) hung on to what little i got. I realize that is wrong!

I dont know where to meet guys, i work with older people. my running group is all married, or to young or to old....tried the match dot com thing, yeah NOT!!!....

I will try to remind myself that i do deserve better....thank you!

October 22, 2006
9:01 pm
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StronginHim77
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I dated a cop. Most of them (who are single/divorced) have MAJOR issues. RUn for the hills. They are usually very controlling, lead a "double life" and are less than honest about what they do when you are NOT along. And believe me, they do have a busy social life on the side which does not include you.

If they want to hit the bars with their buddies WITHOUT you along, that's ok. They can flirt with other women, get drunk, etc. ALL OKAY.

You go out without them, however, and you are TOAST. Complete double-standard.

I would dump him.

He is toxic.

October 22, 2006
9:08 pm
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Devon
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Hmmmm... Early 40's is a wonderful time. You are young enough to change some seriously bad health habits before you get to your 50s and start seeing the results of these coming to fruition. One bad habit is bad relationships.

Get a bigger social life. Meet people. Lots of them. Take really good care of yourself. You are socializing to increase your probability that you will find that better someone that you do deserve. Flirt with everyone...men and women. Let this Mr Right see how fantastic you are with absolutely everyone...little girls, old men, you name it...and he'll want you for himself...!

October 22, 2006
9:38 pm
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starsky1
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Thanks Stronginhim77

So many people told me exactly what you stated....so many people warned me...

You are correct...he does have major issues...that is an understatement, when i confront him, he gets in this major denial mode....I learned to keep my thoughts and comments to myself....his has alot of hatred in him...ALOT!!!

Well...he dumped me...so yeah its done. His controlling ways wouldnt allow him to make ammends...that would be the last thing he would even think of doing....

After talking with friends and family today...and typing it here, its helping me tremendously...i just need to be strong and not weaken...you know that urge to call and say hi...what do you do.....

And Devon, thank you too...i have excellent health habits...i am a marathon runner...40's are okay...if i could just find the right places to go...and i am going to start flirting...

thanks for advice thoughts and opinions, its helping me, and hopefully get me through this....

Im glad i came to this place today!!

HUgs to you all!!!

October 22, 2006
10:55 pm
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StronginHim77
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starsky -

My ex had major denial issues...alot of rage...alot of "blaming and projection" of his own problems and wrongdoing onto ME. He was a horror. No doubt about it. He was incapable of a peaceful, loving, intimate relationship. Nor was he capable of taking responsibility for hurting or failing another human being.

Your guy sounds exactly the same. He didn't "dump" you, sweetie. You were RESCUED. Had you stayed with him, it would have gotten worse. You would have had NO LIFE. The abuse would have increased. He has alot of rage and you would have become the primary target for that self-loathing and rage.

Come on over to the "No Contact- Revelations" thread. All of us there are at varying stages of stepping back from toxic relationships. We encourage one another to resist making that phone call...stopping by that place we know "he" will frequent. It is very hard to sever contact. But it is very empowering.

Trust me. He WILL make contact with you again, down the road. It is time for you to take control of this relationship, by initiating No Contact from YOUR end. No matter what he does, you do not answer. You do not respond. You do not have to explain, justify, defend, beg or reason with him. You cannot reason with the UNREASONABLE. Remember that.

He is a "no-win" situation. You deserve better. You are young and there is a good man out there who will gravitate toward and appreciate your compassion, your tenderness and your affection. This man only TOOK from you. You deserve a man who GIVES. From the heart.

-- Ma Strong

October 22, 2006
11:51 pm
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starsky1
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Ma Strong

Im on my way....

First i have to let the tears flow.....you really have no idea how powerful the things you have said put validation to what i have gone through...will...or shall i say WILL NOT.....

I wish i had a printer so i could print up your message thread...put it up on my bathroom mirror...my nightstand...my car...

You are so right!!!!!!!!!!!!

Thank you!!

October 23, 2006
12:02 am
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hbdude2k
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From your story you told, I am not on anybodys side. I think you both lie and you are both equal in this situation. Best is to learn a lesson, be honest with yourself and everybody you talk to. You just start building a wall when your both in competition with each other. He did this, you did that...etc...I have learned from lying. Wake up tomorrow, start a new day, start a new life. Be honest with your life. Keep moving forward, leave the toxics behind you. Good luck!!

October 23, 2006
12:41 am
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starsky1
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hbdude2k

I wasnt trying to tell a story for which people to pick sides...I was honest, i admitted where i went wrong....in order for me to get advice from someone i have to give people the information ....building a wall with competition, that was the first time i ever played that stupid game...and he broke up with me...there was no wall to build up....the only wall that built up was the one where i was left to wonder when i was ever going to get my time with him....mind you this is a one day a week relationship.....phone calls during week...sometimes no contact for two weekends at a time...however he could find time with the guys...thats where my wall came in..there was no competition...i avoided letting him know it bothered me, because then it would turn into..my problem....it seems as though honesty is a huge issue with you..i hope you can overcome it....I started my new day today....my new life...and yeah...great tip...i am leaving my toxics behind me...

October 23, 2006
9:52 am
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hbdude2k
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Starsky-I just broke off my last girl for not communicating with me. There were similar things that you were saying in your story that my last girl was doing. We had that once a week relationship, however I was in your situation to where if I said something, it would come back at me and be my problem. It was almost like she was in competition with me and could never be wrong. Well, when I broke it off, boy, did she start being nice to me, phone calls, cards, email, text messages, and you know, I never responded to any of them and she is still doing it but not so much. The only way to move forward is not to respond. I had to get rid of the toxic friendship. It puts too much burden on your life.

October 23, 2006
9:57 am
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StronginHim77
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hbdude -

If someone spoke to me the way you just spoke to Starsky, I would feel kicked in the gut. I think Starsky was very up front about where she might have gone wrong. Essentially, she went out and did the same thing this BF had been doing for months and months. Aren't we supposed to be encouraging to people, posting on these threads? Sorry, but I just think a gentler, less "accusatory" tone might have been more in keeping with the Guidelines.

- Ma Strong

October 23, 2006
9:59 am
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atalose
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starsky1,

Strong said it best: You were not dumped, you were rescued.
Be greatful this has ended, how it ended doesn't really matter he'd turn or twist it to his advantage anyway.
Instead of feeling bad about it ending because he thinks you cheated on him, bruse his ego and let him continue to that! It's not going to matter anyway if you attempt to explain.
I would NOT contact him, NOT contact him through friends, let it go and save yourself any further hurt from this man.

Atalose

~~Hope has a place, but not above reality~~

October 27, 2006
1:27 pm
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Inca
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Hi Starsky,

I read your response to me in the No Contact thread. Your situation does sound alot like mine. Atalose is right, that no matter how many times you explain yourself, they are going to draw their own conclusions. My X had accused me of cheating when he had friends that he spoke to via email that I didn't know about all the time but I didn't go wild accusing him. I let it go b/c either A) I'm naive or B) I'm more secure in myself and I know that I'm with him all the time and I go on that. My X and I have been broken up for 3 months now. We broke up b/c of a stupid fight. The accusations of cheating were from a year ago. Out of nowhere, he now brings it up again out of convenience b/c he just is a commitment phobe and that's his only "good" excuse for breaking up with me. If he was so hell bent on accusing me of cheating to begin with, why did he send me roses and this beautiful email of how I meant this and that to him just b4 the fight? I'm not perfect. I'm struggling w/ the NC. I screwed up and had a convo w/ him yesterday and today I'm the Kleenex queen AND I still believe there's hope for the 2 of us. I don't like to come here male bash. We all have issues. I did hear too though that cops are a difficult "breed" of man to date. I don't think I could deal w/ it. Be thankful that it ended now and that there wasn't more time invested. I hope this helps. I haven't been here in a while and I'm rambling.

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