I'm not asking because of my niece now, I was asking about you, Mandy.
And possibly I am asking for myself.

When I read that, I wondered if you have ever told him you don't always like it.

If you have told him and he persistes in doing it, then I would conclude that he does not care for your feleings. If you haven't told him, then I wonder if you don't feel you have the right to say no.

I used to live with a very abusive man that loved to awaken me f**king me. I told him once I did not like that. The second time he did it, I slugged him. You know, since he did not respect my boundary. He did stop the midnight raids on my "garden", although the other abuse did not stop.

Ok - do you feel obligated because you are afraid he will do it to your kids? Do you think he is a pedophile like your mother's boyfriend is/was?

I held back alot -from fear when I lived in the abuse. I waited 4 years to have a physical relationship with someone. If that partner was rough, I locked up. He asked me why- and I chickened out from telling him for a few weeks. Finally, I worked up my nerve, and told him. He hung his head, and said, "damn I wish you would have told me from the first, I woulda gone slower." He wasn't my ex- Lucifer.

I am real upfront now - I figure I have nothing to lose and possibly something to gain by being direct.

Does your husband know about your childhood abuse?

Mandy,

"I guess I chose this life so I should quit whining." No, not entirely. I don't see this as whining, I see it as you wanting to talk about it. But if he wants to understand you, then he should know, shouldn't he? If you want him to stop pawing on you, you need to speak up and tell him it doesn't always do it for you. You have that right.

You have the right.

And as for the mother's boyfriend that hurt you? I am certain that her f***ing him or not f***ing him had anything to do with his sickness, and what he perpetrated on you.

Mandy,

Know that I have been in a place much like yours. I know how scary it is to change. I know how scary it was to assert my right to say no, or to expess my desires. For a long time my fear of change paralysed me, and it was all I could do to function. I did not cut myself, but I ate. I ate until I would fall asleep. (pass out?) I ate alone so no one could see me eating. I ate until I was diabetic, and my sugar so high, I started dropping the weight.

It was then I had to make the decision of whether or not my behaviour would cause me to live or die.

Very recently, I remembered that when I was 10, I was molested by my 14 year old female babysitter. So I understand you, I think. I don't know if I will ever feel "normal"- too much has happened to me. But I don't feel as "strange", or isolated, since I started visiting here.

I am working on forgiving myself for mistakes I made, and for the things I blamed myself for that were not my fault. What happened to you then was not your fault, sugar.

I had counseling, and I really liked it. It was hard and gut-wrenching, but I had a good therapist, and she helped me so much. When she told me I didn't need to come in on a regular basis anymore, I started crying and told her I disagreed. Because I loved talking to her.

I am trying to study, and take breaks every 30 minutes or so - my eyes cross if I go longer than that.
I'll check back.

Bevdee

Mandy,

You just get better. Rest and take care of yourself. It's amazing how much worse I feel - about everything, when I am tired and dragged out. Don't rush anything.

Talk at ya later

Bevdee