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bevdee...
November 16, 2006
2:26 pm
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bevdee
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Hey Mandy,

Why do you not feel safe and secure? Today?

Bevdee

November 16, 2006
2:43 pm
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ScaredinMichigan
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More or less, since everything that I went through as a kid, I have just learned to never trust anyone. I have also discovered here within just the last couple of days that in all honesty I am still being abused. Not like I was as a kid, but still being abused....I just feel like a 5 year old little girl trapped in a womans body. I am screaming to get out of this situation. I hate it. Honestly though, I cannot sleep in my bed alone, it scares me, if h is gone I have my 10 year old sleep with me. I am afraid of the dark, I always check my van before I get in it when I go anywhere...I have NO self confidence, My security was stolen as a child, and I have never been in a position to feel like I can have it. I don't know that I will EVER feel safe again. I truly hope that counseling can change my opinion about all of this. But I have my doubts.

November 16, 2006
2:52 pm
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bevdee
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Do you not feel secure with your husband? Or in your marriage?

November 16, 2006
2:54 pm
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ScaredinMichigan
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I hope that answers some of what you were looking for. I am sorry that I can't get more descriptive than that. I am just not truly sure of what is relevant and what is not to the question. I wish I could explain a lot.

November 16, 2006
2:54 pm
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ScaredinMichigan
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Not after realizing what I am going through...

November 16, 2006
2:55 pm
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bevdee
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I'm not asking because of my niece now, I was asking about you, Mandy.
And possibly I am asking for myself.

November 16, 2006
2:55 pm
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bevdee
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DOn't answer anything you don't want to. YOu have that right.

November 16, 2006
2:56 pm
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ScaredinMichigan
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I can post what I posted the other night if you want me to so you can understand what it is that I am talking about...Just let me know..

November 16, 2006
3:08 pm
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bevdee
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are you talking bout your husband? And the way he approaches sex?

November 16, 2006
3:08 pm
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ScaredinMichigan
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Are you still around?

November 16, 2006
3:09 pm
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ScaredinMichigan
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yes, why?

November 16, 2006
3:12 pm
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bevdee
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When I read that, I wondered if you have ever told him you don't always like it.

If you have told him and he persistes in doing it, then I would conclude that he does not care for your feleings. If you haven't told him, then I wonder if you don't feel you have the right to say no.

I used to live with a very abusive man that loved to awaken me f**king me. I told him once I did not like that. The second time he did it, I slugged him. You know, since he did not respect my boundary. He did stop the midnight raids on my "garden", although the other abuse did not stop.

November 16, 2006
3:17 pm
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ScaredinMichigan
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I haven't said anything...in one aspect there...I mentioned that I almost feel obligated. Doesn't change that I feel used and abused. Just the fact of the matter is, I don't feel like I have the right to say no. And part of me is afraid of what could happen if I do. I don't worry about him physically abusing me, I know that there are a lot of things that keep me doing what I am doing. Such as, I think that if my mother would have f*cked her boyfriend, maybe he wouldn't have been f*cking me. Make sense? So, I have NEVER had any reason to believe that my husband would do anything to my kids, but I think part of it is that I feel like I do it for their safety because of what I went through. It has never left my mind...I am so screwed up. I cannot even begin to explain it. It did feel better when I was numb though.

November 16, 2006
3:24 pm
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bevdee
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Ok - do you feel obligated because you are afraid he will do it to your kids? Do you think he is a pedophile like your mother's boyfriend is/was?

November 16, 2006
3:25 pm
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ScaredinMichigan
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NO Not at all...I just think that it is an instilled fear..I trust him...I think..Do I truly trust anyone..

November 16, 2006
3:34 pm
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bevdee
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I held back alot -from fear when I lived in the abuse. I waited 4 years to have a physical relationship with someone. If that partner was rough, I locked up. He asked me why- and I chickened out from telling him for a few weeks. Finally, I worked up my nerve, and told him. He hung his head, and said, "damn I wish you would have told me from the first, I woulda gone slower." He wasn't my ex- Lucifer.

I am real upfront now - I figure I have nothing to lose and possibly something to gain by being direct.

Does your husband know about your childhood abuse?

November 16, 2006
4:56 pm
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ScaredinMichigan
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to some degree, he doesn't want to know details,,,as he is afraid that is the last thing that he would see before he falls asleep at night. Does it matter truly? No, that is what he is doing anyways. (Making sure that it is the last thing I see before I go to bed at night.) I guess I chose this life so I should quit whining. Right?

November 16, 2006
5:06 pm
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bevdee
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Mandy,

"I guess I chose this life so I should quit whining." No, not entirely. I don't see this as whining, I see it as you wanting to talk about it. But if he wants to understand you, then he should know, shouldn't he? If you want him to stop pawing on you, you need to speak up and tell him it doesn't always do it for you. You have that right.

You have the right.

And as for the mother's boyfriend that hurt you? I am certain that her f***ing him or not f***ing him had anything to do with his sickness, and what he perpetrated on you.

November 16, 2006
5:10 pm
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ScaredinMichigan
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They are all learned behaviors, and I am going to counseling to try to change. I do hope that it works. I would rather not live at all than to live like this. That is just honesty. I would like just once to feel healthy. I do want help bevdee, you have to believe that. I hate the feelings I face every day. I really do. I hate who I have become, I hate who it has made me. I am the only one that can change me, the question is, will I before I can't take anymore. I hope so. I am holding tight to a short rope. I appreciate you listening to me. Thanks a lot.

November 16, 2006
5:31 pm
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bevdee
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Mandy,

Know that I have been in a place much like yours. I know how scary it is to change. I know how scary it was to assert my right to say no, or to expess my desires. For a long time my fear of change paralysed me, and it was all I could do to function. I did not cut myself, but I ate. I ate until I would fall asleep. (pass out?) I ate alone so no one could see me eating. I ate until I was diabetic, and my sugar so high, I started dropping the weight.

It was then I had to make the decision of whether or not my behaviour would cause me to live or die.

Very recently, I remembered that when I was 10, I was molested by my 14 year old female babysitter. So I understand you, I think. I don't know if I will ever feel "normal"- too much has happened to me. But I don't feel as "strange", or isolated, since I started visiting here.

I am working on forgiving myself for mistakes I made, and for the things I blamed myself for that were not my fault. What happened to you then was not your fault, sugar.

I had counseling, and I really liked it. It was hard and gut-wrenching, but I had a good therapist, and she helped me so much. When she told me I didn't need to come in on a regular basis anymore, I started crying and told her I disagreed. Because I loved talking to her.

I am trying to study, and take breaks every 30 minutes or so - my eyes cross if I go longer than that.
I'll check back.

Bevdee

November 16, 2006
8:31 pm
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ScaredinMichigan
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Bev,

thanks very much for talking to me, I have more to say, but it will have to wait until tomorrow. I am not feeling well at all. I love my psychologist, he is wonderful...The girls in the other thread all like him to....he sent me an email today to share with them. He doesn't know what site I go to, but he hears a lot about this place. Because it makes it easier for me to talk...it starts conversations....thanks again. I will talk to you in the morning...

Mandy

November 17, 2006
8:03 am
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bevdee
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Mandy,

You just get better. Rest and take care of yourself. It's amazing how much worse I feel - about everything, when I am tired and dragged out. Don't rush anything.

Talk at ya later

Bevdee

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