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bevdee...
November 7, 2006
8:30 pm
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ScaredinMichigan
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many of us posted to you on the sisters thread..please read them....

Mich

November 8, 2006
4:21 pm
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bevdee
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Mich,

Thank you for checking, that is very sweet of you.. I wasn't able to get hold of her last night because she was at her mama's. They live with their daddy. My sister won't speak to me for many reasons, but her silence began with her addiction to crack, I believe she is ashamed to talk to me. I don't know. Since her daddy remarried, and she acquired a step-sister, she has become increasingly depressed. She says they are not nice to her.

My niece is very protective of her mama, and will not discuss her with any of the rest of the family. I find that in itself worrisome. She keeps the secrets for her mama. They live in Illinois, my mother is in Missouri, and I am in Texas. I feel helpless. The older one, 19, moved out of her boyfriend's house day before yesterday. He had started hitting her. I cry nearly every day for these beautiful little girls. Before the divorce, we were able to visit with him often, but it's not that way anymore.

Again, thanks and I will let you know how it goes.

Bevdee

November 14, 2006
12:36 pm
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Mich -

I wanted to let you know I finally got to talk to my niece. She did not confirm or deny any cutting. She has always been like that - clamming up. For 3 years, she literally did not speak to anyone outside her nuclear family, and when forced by necessity to communicate, she would pull out a little notepad and write little short notes.

I still feel helpless, and very far away, but I left it at telling her to call me if she ever had the urge to cut herselfagain. I know nothing about this and with my niece being so shy and reticent, I feel like I am at a loss.

She did give me her email address so I could send pictures of all my dogs, and she whispered, "I wish I could come see you."

Thanks for your concern. You seem like such a sweet person. I hope you have a tolerable day.

Bevdee

November 14, 2006
7:11 pm
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Hey Mich, I am bumping this to catch y our attention .......

November 14, 2006
7:22 pm
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ScaredinMichigan
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thanks bevdee...I am glad that you confronted her, if nothing else, she knows that you know, and she can turn to you. Thank you from someone who knows what she is going through. I am glad that you took the time to talk to her, and let her know that you know. I can't explain why it was so important to me, it just was. I guess just because I know her pain probably..

November 15, 2006
4:45 pm
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bevdee
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Mich

Hi again. I have another update. My niece lives with her daddy and yesterday he saw her arm. He made an appointment with a therapist for next week- I hope she doesn't clam up.

Thanks again for responding

Bevdee

November 15, 2006
5:07 pm
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ScaredinMichigan
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i am blessed to hear that. I hope she talks. It is so addictive. I know that sounds sick...but it is true. And something I am fighting bad even as I write this. I just hope that she will open up. Just make sure she knows that you are behind her and that you care about her and love her please. She needs you. Now more than ever.

Mich

November 15, 2006
6:43 pm
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ScaredinMichigan
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November 15, 2006
7:43 pm
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bevdee
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Mich,

I would like to talk about this, but if it makes you jones for it, I won't ask you anything. Do you think it would?

I do have one question however, if you don't mind? Do you inflict punishment on yourself because you blame yourself for the horrible things that happened to you? I am trying to get some understanding of this.

Bevdee

November 15, 2006
7:49 pm
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ScaredinMichigan
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Give me just a moment and I will post to you the some of the reasons that my psychologist used as reasons...You aren't going to make it any worse tonight than it already is...Don't worry...

November 15, 2006
8:03 pm
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ScaredinMichigan
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Sorry it took so long, but I knew it was posted in one of the sisters threads...seriously...there are only about 20 of those so far at 300 posts a piece...

anyways...Hope this helps...There are a number of reasons that people find themselves drawn to cutting, burning, or other self-harming behaviors. Because I am such a poor typist, I will not go over the entire listing here. I will, instead, give you a couple to check out: 1. Some people, in their illnesses, feel themselves to not REALLY be alive. They are going through living motions, but there is a detachment there that makes them report feeling NUMB and detached from those around them. Some say that It is like they are in a distant theater seat watching others (and even themselves) perform. It is as if they feel that they are not really alive at all.

For many of them, the self-inflicted pain reassures them that they are still actually alive. So it serves a purpose. However, if they get assistance and can get things under control again, they too often have to walk around with evidences that make people keep a distance from them because they can not understand.

2. One other reason is that they feel that their Oscar Award Winning Performances have fooled people around them into thinking that their distress is not as serious as it really is. These people begin to think those around them are Waaaaaayyyyyyyyyy Tooooooooooooooo Stuuuuppppppiiiiiiiddddd, to not get it. At times they get angry enough to get an impulse to show the stupid idiots that they really need and want help. So, they are willing to hurt themselves to FINALLY let people see that they REALLY NEED HELP.

3. More people than you would guess, Mandy, take out the anger and frustrations that they feel toward others on themselves. That is like a F. Y. and is part of a game called, "See What You Made Me Do?????" This is also an after-affect of sexual victims. They destroy themselves because of hurt and anger that they can not deliver to the perpetrator.

See if any of these fit, Mandy.

November 15, 2006
8:28 pm
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bevdee
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Thank you Mandy

November 15, 2006
8:32 pm
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ScaredinMichigan
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I hope that some of those will help you Bev. If you ever want to talk more about it, I am here. Those answers came straight our of the email that my psych sent me. I trust him with my life. And he knows what he is talking about. Sorry if I am not all really here tonight. You said you wanted to talk about this? Do you have any thing else, or has this ansewred what you were looking for?

November 15, 2006
9:58 pm
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Mandy,

I am just trying to understand her, and I think for my niece, it is the numb and detached. I have never had something like this come so close to me. It terrifies me because suicide runs on my mother's side, but it was distant relatives, people I had never met. My granny always worried about my granddad's depression. He and my mother have always been on anti-depressants.

My niece has been through so much these past 5 years. Her mother - my sister, is an alcoholic/addict, and left their daddy. Because of my sister's addictions and friends, her husband was able to get custody of their 2 daughters.

Since she left, my sister has become addicted to crack, and my nieces have seen their mother get her ass kicked and face punched by her boyfriend. She hits the pipe in front of them. The younger one was the one that found her mother passed out one morning on her bed, and a knife lying on the floor.

Their daddy remarried 2 years ago, and the stepmother doesn't like my nieces, and treats them badly. Their stepsister hits my niece. Their daddy does not stand up for her. All this info comes from my 19 year old niece, her older sister - to Mom - to me.

My niece has inherited her non-communicating traits from her daddy. She is so smart and talented. In spite of all this, she is still making perfect grades in school, and her artistic abilities just blow me away. She inherited her daddy's intelligence, and her mother's sensitivity and creativity.

It's too much for a 14 year old.

And it is hard to stay detached when I know the pain she is in.

Please don't apologise for anything. I appreciate your responses. Respond only if and when it is comfortable for you.

Love Bevdee

November 15, 2006
10:58 pm
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ScaredinMichigan
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Bev,

Let me say this....regardless of my state, I am willing to typically give my input. I know where she is. It is a painful place to be. For you, I am sure it is a painful place to be as well. But, just make sure that she knows that you love her, and stand behind her. She NEEDS you. Trust me she does. I have people here, and that is all I have. I think that if I could find someone to hold me and let me cry, and tell me that I will be ok, I would be better for it. It would make it easier. Everyone needs someone to love them. It has the ability to be a lonely life without anyone around. I know that my reason is the need to release pain. I don't have anyone here to understand, and nobody to talk to about my pain. I can't express it verbally so I release it that way. I have been going to counseling off and on for 16 years. I am only 30. As of last December I was told that I suffer from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder frommy childhood. Then I started seeing a counselor again about 5 weeks ago. I have spent roughly 25 hours there in 5 weeks. He is a God send. But I went through a LOT of bad ones to get to him. I had all but given up. I am very prone to suicidal thoughts, and the cutting thing is VERY new to me. But, it served its purpose. I am a mother of four beautiful children who are 10, 5, 3, and 3 months...but it has been a tough road. Between us in four years we have been through 22 surgeries, and 20 of those were on my children. And that is truly only half of the situation there. I want to be a good mom, and a good wife, but my childhood has screwed me up so bad, that there are not words. I truly hope that she gets the help that she needs. It IS out there. Don't give up, and PLEASE encourage her to not give up. She needs you. I can't emphasize that enough. I can tell by your posts that you genuinely care. She needs that.

Feel free to talk to me whenever you would like. I am ussually around whenever. In the meantime, know that I care, and I am holding you both close to my heart.

Mich

November 15, 2006
11:46 pm
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bevdee
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Mandy, thanks again.

I feel helpless because I am 12 hours from her. Also - the 19 year old seems to be following my path, and is now in an abusive relationship with a young man. I have PTSD. The only comfort I have is that if they get out alive, I might be able to help them or direct them to help. (I am a chronic worrier, and part - time pessimist.

It does help to have someone to understand - I had little of that when I got away from the abuse. Recently I cry nearly every day. I have a friend who would hold me when I need to be, but I don't ask very often.

"And that is truly only half of the situation there. I want to be a good mom, and a good wife, but my childhood has screwed me up so bad, that there are not words."

I think that you will be fine, and I say this because I have observed you reaching out for help and support. And you have great empathy.

The fact that you worry about the job you do as a mother is, in my opinion, healthy. Most of the moms I know - do worry. It's the ones that don't that I wonder about.

I am here off and on - I work during the day and study in the evenings.

Sleep good - Bevdee

November 16, 2006
10:02 am
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ScaredinMichigan
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Bev,

I am a lover. I care a lot about other people. I want to help people. I have reached out here for help in desperacy...I try to help others, but I struggle when I can't let go of my own issues long enough to help others. Given that I have had right next to nobody in my life for this long, I try VERY hard to be there for others. I think that I have a lot to offer, it is just a struggle sometimes...If I knew your niece, I would talk to her myself. All I can say, is that right now, make it clear that you are there. She may not come to you now, but the time will come when she needs someone, and she will run to you if she knows that your love is unconditional. It might not be right away. She is going to look for someone sooner or later. Pray that she gets the help that she so desperately needs. It may get worse before it gets better, most things usually do. Going through a LOT of that myself right now. Just let her know that you care. In the meantime...know that I care. And I am here to bounce thoughts off of or whatever. If you spend ANY time at all reading the sisters threads, you probably have some idea of how screwed up I am...BUT I have to believe that there is hope. I will outlive this pain, and that these desires will go away. I just want to want to live. I hope that this all makes sense....mostly because I am sure I am rambling, and probably repeating myself. Just know that I am only a post away.

Take care of you too sweetheart.

Mandy

November 16, 2006
10:59 am
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truthBtold
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Dear Scared and BevDee,

I hope that I am not imposing.

I know first hand what it is like to not feel real.

I will not go into my own specifics....but "cutting" is actually - in some screwed-up way...a way of coping...a way of PROVING to yourself that you are indeed real. I bleed - therefore, I really exist. I have something physical (red....blood...)in front of me that PROVES this...........this is the mindset...and this is the actual proof....hence, it makes me feel better.

Whew.

I agree with Scared's 11-15 post of #1 reason as to why this happens.

Don't know how much more of this I can actually go into as it is bringing up some powerful memories.

I only know - that at the time when I did this....I was so detached that I actually rejoiced in the fact that when my cat's fleas had jumped on me...and I could actually feel them -.....and that helped.

I got so desolate at times that I would actually throw a blanket into the dryer to get nice and warm - and then either wrap myself up in it and go to bed or - (even to this day) when all seems really fucking wacky...I warm the blanket in the dryer and make a "warm air-bubble" between the blanket and the floor heater register and my body...and therein - I would finally find relief and comfort.

That's a real sad and lonely place to be.

I don't have the answers....all I can say is that part of the whole ordeal also stems from a lack of control over one's environment.

If the tables of time could have turned back, I guess - for me - what would have helped somewhat - would be for someone to tell me that they would be ready for me....but only....in my good time. That would have given me both support and a sense of control all at the same time. Does this make sense?

No agendas. No explaining.

That's all that I can share right now.

November 16, 2006
11:08 am
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tbt-

You are not imposing...at all. Thank you very much for your input. It is a lonely place to be..I hate it. I just think that if I had someone to hold me and love me that I could be in a better place. Not that I would be, but that I could be. I am a lonely woman, and I have grown VERy numb to life in general...I want to stop this..I want it to go away...I want to heal the pain instead of harbor it...I just don't like the ways that I am trying to get myself to feel it...

Mich

November 16, 2006
11:34 am
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Mich,

I actually have someone - right now - to hold me and love me - and you know what? It ain't NEVER gonna be enough! It's nice - to be sure ....but it lacks real substance. Substance that we can only find within ourselves.

Yeah, I know - you probably heard this before...you have to love yourself FIRST before you can expect to have a real, loving, respectful relationship....yada, yada, yada - but it's true.

This whole "idea: of loving oneself sounds great....looks great....probably sells a whole lot of fricking books...but you know what - I ain't read ANYWHERE on just EXACTLY where you go about to ACTUALLY OBTAIN this self-love........until recently.

I swear - God as my witness - that I have found it...and you know what? It's so damn simple......

You just don't go from years of hating yourself and overnight.....abbra - cad-dabra...slide right into some happy, slappy (been there all along - but no one had the guts to tell me...) kind of existance. No. No. No.

Doesn't happen that way.

What DOES happen though...is mindfully, very mindfully - is transferring those SAME kind of tactics and tapes from once was a purely negative format...into - not so much a positive format....but more like a -let your own self off the hook - internal conversation.

It works!

I know.

Please refer to 2 of my posts:

11/13: "Sometimes...it is just the simple smile from strangers..."

along with

11/16: "OK....I am really grasping at straws here...."

for examples.

I have recently just FORCED myself to relish and go on and on in my head...about the sinple positive things that I have accomplished...and it has made all the difference in the world.

Really! I kid you not!

You have no doublt heard the generic affirmation which states "Be Gentle To Yourself..." Well, my idea actually lays PRACTICE to this idea with simple specifices I am sure that you have already accomplished....just this week...and need to feed your soul - with just the simplist of tasks....and the amazing thing about it it...the more you think of the pretty simple, great shit that you have ALREADY done....the easier it becomes...to in effect, LOVE OURSELVES!!!!!!!!

November 16, 2006
11:42 am
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truthBtold
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Bottom Line: It helps to alleviate the shame...and from there - (to really start to feel proud of our own self...deep, DEEP, in our bones.....) and to which a whole new being just naturalies blossom!!!!!

November 16, 2006
11:46 am
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ScaredinMichigan
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You are right tbt, I wish it were as easy as it sounds. I am still finding the sources for so much of my pain, and facing it. I have spent 25 hours in counseling in 6 weeks. It has been the longest 6 weeks of my life. I have been made aware exaclt how hard I am on myself. That would be one of my main goals...to stop that. I abuse myself profusely. I blame myself for a lot of my past, to only realize that in my marriage to what I believe is a wonderful man, that I am still being "used and abused". I don't think that he realizes what he is doing at all. but my self esteem is so shitty, that I have allowed it to happen. It is like I am not hard enough on myself, that I still allow others to abuse me. Almost as if I believe that is what I deserve. I don't know that it is so much that it is what I deserve as much as it is that is what I expect. I can't explain. My head is VERY screwed up in a number of ways...and I am watching life pass me by. Spending day and nights with the desire to die. Part of me thinks that I deserve the pain that cutting provides. I can't explain all the reasons that it has been an issue...it just is. I feel like a lost situation...it is one of those that I see no hope most days. I just feel like sometimes if I had someone to hold me and tell me that I am ok, someone who knows me, (because the sisters tell me every day, but they don't know who I am) then I would have somewhere to start. Someone to point out when I am being hard on me or whatever. However, in saying all that, the afghan sisters probably know the real me, better than anyone else. They see someone who is scared to death, afraid to live, and yet so desperately wants to help others. I can't explain anymore...I wish it were as easy for me to believe as it is for all of you to say...and....maybe I will get there, and maybe I won't. I guess time will tell once again...

November 16, 2006
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truthBtold
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Scared....
YOU ARE NOT A LOST SITUATION!!!!!!
NO, NO, INDEED!!!!

I have an exercise for your....will you play along?

(I have done this to myself and it has helped....)

So - here it is:

Just ask yourself....if only for 10 MINUTES....

"If I felt Safe and Secure and Lived Without Chaos....What Would My Life Look Like?"

Doesn't even have to be for 10 minutes....just 10 seconds...to start.....think about it...visualize it......(You can ALWAYS go back to the same ole same ole comfort zone.......) But, bear with me - try...if only for a few seconds.......

"What If I Felt Safe And Secure And Lived Without Chaos.....What Would My Life LOOK Like????"

consider this - if only for a split second scared............only a split second.....PLEASE!!!!!!

November 16, 2006
12:19 pm
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how does one look at what their life would be if it were safe and secure if they have NEVER had it that way? I am not trying to be a smart ass, I am asking an honest question...I would give my right arm to have ANY idea at all of what that would look like...

November 16, 2006
1:17 pm
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