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Betrayed30
December 18, 2004
7:34 pm
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betrayed30
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my husband was having an affair with my friend for a year. He confided in her with about our entire marriage good & bad. He turned to her everytime we had an argument. He moved her into our home and claimed that she was only there to do the secretarial work that I couldn't handle. When I try to communicate to him about the affair he gets defensive and mean. And each and everytime I find out something new (very deceitful and painful) he claims that he didn't tell me because he's afraid of me. He says he wants forgiveness and to work things out but continues to lie at any expense. He even slept with her in my bed. When he has a few drinks he rubs it in my face how much better and nicer she was then me. Then later he crys for forgiveness and says he never cared for her at all. I'm physically and mentally drained, I wish to be blessed with the ability to forgive this man but to move on. I feel it in my heart that he cannot be trusted and anything that comes out of his mouth is probably more lies. We have been married for 8 years, married young. I would really like the advice of others. Thank you in advance

Betrayed

December 18, 2004
8:55 pm
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1angel4
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Wow!!! First of all, let me say I think you have been extremely understanding up to this point-it must be very difficult to have the other woman living with you! But very convenient for your husband. He is truly having the proverbial cake and eating it too. You state you can no longer trust him (and I understand why) so your relationship is in deep trouble. Get the other woman out of the house FAST!!!!!!!! It isn't her home and she has not right to be there-- if your husband isn't ok with that, then he isn't over her. My thoughts would be to get rid of the loser asap. Let her have him--you deserve much better!!!

December 18, 2004
9:52 pm
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workinonit
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Betrayed, yo, I went through something similar when my ex and I split up. Of course, the excuse was she was being abused. Well, when I told my lawyer about it she flipped! She was ready to file papers on him and get her out. It all changed when I told him about the papers.

Do you have children? If so, this is a more than confusing message. You either need to get out or get them out. I am not sure what to say about forgiving your husband. Forgive him in order to move on without him or to try and make it work? That's a question you have to ask yourself.

Good luck to you!

December 19, 2004
12:27 am
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mamacinnamon
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Betrayed,

I had a similar situation after being married 5 years in my first marriage. I felt my hubby was having an affair and I was tellin my best friend all I suspicioned. She was tellin me he's just stressed at work, etc. (We all worked at same place.) Found out he was sleepin w/ her and while I was pourin my heart out to her, he was sittin right there next to her. I chose to forgive out of fear (won't go there), and then ended up her being my boss. I quit that job. Couldn't handle it.

You DO NOT and SHOULD NOT put up w/ this. I was stupid. Don't you be stupid too. Sounds like he's either playin you or is in need of some meds to keep his mind straight.

I'm sorry this has happened to you. It really hurts. I think doubly. I am glad you are here and keep posting. There are some wonderful folks here to help.

December 19, 2004
3:48 am
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ladyvirgo
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If you had this sad story told you by your best friend in all the world....what would you tell her to do for her best happiness?

December 19, 2004
4:00 am
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wallace
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Your husband is trapped on a rollercoaster riding between wanting to be with this other woman and guilt about it that is eating him up. He is suffering, but that is his creation. You are an innocent party. Unfortunately, he has grabbed you and is dragging you round that rollercoaster with him. Break free and get the hell away from there before you get torn apart. You are not going to win while he is tearing up and down that rollercoaster-it is 100% destructive to all parties. Take control, disentangle yourself. When you are a safe distance away both physically and emotionally, then re-assess. If he wants to create an emotional hell, let him carry on, but don't let him suck you into it, because from what I've read, that's exactly what is happening at the moment. Be strong, take some hurt now to spare you emotional devastation later.

January 29, 2005
2:53 pm
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betrayed30
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I feel much stronger now. I don't want to be with him any longer. He keeps bothering me, telling me he wants to work things out and that he was trapped (by her) into an evil affair where drinking was a daily thing for them. He says that once it happened a few times, he felt guilt but couldn't stop because he already started. He says he kept digging himself deeper and deeper.

He cut contact with her, told her never to call again. I told him not to because I have no intention of being with him.

Is that so wrong?

Should I really be giving my marriage another chance? Is that what people normally do?

I don't want to as i feel excited to get on with a new start...

Please don't ask me what's in my heart. Simply because I feel anything but hardened and gaurded. I don't feel love..

His affair was brutal. Well, in the sense that it was sooo long-term and deceitful. He had no business telling her everything I told him. He involved her in our business, his family, our personal financial details. They eventually shared our bed when i left...I'm just disgusted.

I would rather be single. When he had her around he treated me like garbage. Now that reality has kicked in he's chasing me and bothering me. Now, he's putting her down in everyway...the exact same stuff he was saying about me...I can't stand this.

Anyone out there, if your single: God Bless you. I would have never married if I could turn back time..

Please Help me out

January 29, 2005
2:57 pm
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addicts wife
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better to be single and happy(er) than with someone and miserable. Sounds like Karma is thrust a moment of clarity his way.... too little too late, I say!!!
You deserve better, you sound like you know youre stringer already w/o him and his drama...
Hang in there!!!!!!

January 29, 2005
3:03 pm
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betrayed30
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Thanks for saying that. means alot
I guess it's really what I want to hear.
However, I would still like to hear all perspectives.
So, if anyone has anything to say, please don't hold back

Thanx so much 🙂

January 29, 2005
3:15 pm
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betrayed30
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Exactly what I was thinking, too little, too late!!

He seems to feel that his affair should bring us closer. He talks about this couple that got closer and that couple that got closer.
I'm not those people. I don't feel more attracted to him because someone else was really into him. I'm turned off
I told him, give me a year and half, no contact. I do and see whom ever I please and If I'm up to it, I'll give you a call. Pretty much what he did.

Why doesn't he just go to her and leave me alone.
Once the affair is out in the open, it seems less appealing suddenly or What???

Anyone know?

January 29, 2005
3:22 pm
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addicts wife
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well, some boys(men) are just dumb... LOL, but really, Having the cake and eatingtoo kinda thing. ANd she may have no been what he thought, or maybe it was the thrill of the chase??
I will never totaly get why they call, RIGHT when you start thinking (long sighhhh) Whew, its over ,I can move on.. then BAM.. the phone rings... IF i didnt know bette Id say they put a chip in my head, just ot F with me.. .dirty buggers!!!
Mmmm, yup , alone time was good for me, and I just got really Really selective with phone calls.. CALLER ID is worth every penny!!!!
(sorry if I came across too sarcastic..) my warped humor is a defense mechanism... a whole other thread to start ,i suppose!!!
Keep up the good thinkin, though, YOURE WORTH IT!!!

January 29, 2005
3:24 pm
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sdesigns
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Hi Betrayed: For myself, I can't go back w/ someone after they have slept w/ someone else. Something precious and valuable is lost for me. I couldn't trust someone if they had done to me what your husband did. Don't feel that you have to give him a second chance because thats what someone else might do- do what feels right to YOU. The fact you're excited to get out says a lot. Maybe talk to a marriage counselor (alone) and get some other perspective from a pro. Just be careful not to make some quick decisions although it sounds like you already know your heart. SD

January 29, 2005
3:27 pm
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addicts wife
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If anyone that had an affair , tat I was wit had the audacity to use "it would bring us Closer" as an excuse, Id have them drug tested!!!
That is a warped way of thinking that you could possibly trust someone after that, so they can do it again???He is "challenged"
what a dork!!!
( I hope this did NOT ofend you,) I meant no offense...

January 29, 2005
3:33 pm
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addicts wife
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THe signs of making the decision to "wash your hands" of this are being releived and looking forward to moving on, Not dread, Not fear, You are trusting yourself, that is a true sign of having made the decision that is right FOR YOU, BY YOU!!!!
way to go!!!!!
see??? You TOTALLY ROCK!!!!
be a hero, lose the ZERO
LOL
I had a childhood friend who got married tinking it would stop infidelity, he has 3 kids with his wife, a SMART, beautiful woman.. yet, Id see him out(hes a musician) and he's take offwith different girls all the time...It was gross. I felt releif when I heard she filed for divorce, and she never loked back, he is still doin what he always did, but he is a great father..

January 29, 2005
3:41 pm
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betrayed30
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Offend Me? Are you kidding. I agree!!
You couldn't offend me over him..

he does have a warped way of thinking. I'm sick of him crying to my family and to our mutual friends, I find it embarassing to me and him, but he's already made a fool of himself so who cares about him...

Thanks for all your input. means alot right now. keep in touch

SD: Thank you as well. Good advice. Were you speaking from personal experience?

Thank you all

January 29, 2005
3:46 pm
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addicts wife
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well I mglad I make no offense, (ya' neverknowhow people will inturprit some stuff) I can be prety straight forward too, and that can take people off guard....
He seems like a twit, He has A LOT of nerve crying to your family and friends... Maybe he'll crawl back under the rock from which he slithered!!!
ROCK on, Goddess!!!!
a big whooo hooo for you!!1 If i were a perky person, I d grab the pom-poms, but I dont wanna nauseate myself too much,
Lots of Love 2 ya'

January 29, 2005
3:50 pm
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betrayed30
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So, would you say that all men are cheaters?
Don't get me wrong, I know women are too.
Where do you ever see a happy relationship? It almost seems that monogomy is not in our nature as human beings.
I don't ever want to carry this baggage into a new relationship, how do you avoid it?

By the way, love the humor. Why do you say it's a defense mech?
My husband was always a jokster, sarcasm is his life. But he has many problems from childhood and I always felt that his sarcasm was some sort of mechanism, like a way to cope.

Is there any logic in what I just said?

Thanks for listening

January 29, 2005
4:27 pm
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betrayed30
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He sent me a text message saying "Your a cold hearted bitch, made of stone, evil bitch, forgive or you shall not be forgiven"

What kind of nonsense is this? Someone please help me

Ya right, I'm evil because I won't forgive him..what on earth makes him so Godly?

January 29, 2005
4:48 pm
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addicts wife
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alright, Was he tryingto send that to himself??? He is a DICK, not the good kind...... BLOCK his IM's block his calls,
and NO, not all people are cheaters... not all men are assholes, but this one, I think he's a piece of work....
I use humor to deal, my coping mech/defense, but I am just palin old witty too... the comedians always seem to come from painfl childhoods etc..
blaaahbedy blahhh... LOL everyone has issues, I choose to laugh , it makes me stringer.. dont get me wrong, I "water the garden " a lot too, crying is good for you, learnign whe nto let go of feelings is my everyday learning xperience....

January 29, 2005
5:00 pm
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betrayed30
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Going to take a little break from this, have a few things to do.

Will check in later, hope to see some replies.

Thanks everyone 🙂

January 29, 2005
5:16 pm
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addicts wife
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I really need a nap, but have to clean, and I wanna make some food for my hubby, who just FINALLY got home from working 80 hours this week... Oh MY GOD~he just went in thekitchen all by himself, I thought he forgot where it was... Hee hee, I took him by the hand and gave him a tour of the fridge, the cabinets, and the SINK about a month ago... He laughed his arse off, and said Ok, ok, Message received... Guess it wroked
hope to see yu here soon!!
Its been a pleasurechatting w/u, and Ive learned alot from all who reply here as well.. Im SO glad I found this place!!!!!

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