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bestholeeverdug my story the short version
March 12, 2006
2:24 am
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bestholeeverdug
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time line
age 10 sexual abuse by my father started.
age 13 breakdown at school father removed.
age 15 raped by neighborhood boy threatened to do the same to my sister who was five years younger if I said anything.
age 16 first boyfriend lived in town 20 miles away basically used me for sex.
age 18 was told by boyfreind don't hate me but I have decided I am gay.
age 19 alcoholic boyfriend
age 19 dated current husband.
age 19 severe alcoholic and pot abuser.
age 21 met ex-husband and was married 1 month later. sober and miserable.
age 21 2 weeks later pushed me down an 12 foot enbankment.
age 21 married and living with his parents, his mother hates me,and he is emotionally, and physically abusing me.
age 24 my first daughter was born.
age 25 my second daughter was stillborn at seven months.
age 26 my son is born.
age 27 my third daughter is born. My tubes are triple tied!!
age 31 took a job that taught me how to protect myself from behavioral teenagers.
age 31 left ex-husband and children convinced that it was better that way because I was such a terrible mother. Tried working and had a real nice apt. but he would not leave me alone. Left state after he threatened my life at work.
age 31 moved to a neighboring state into house with ex-boyfriends mother who I had stayed close to over the years. Ex-boyfriend lived there too.
age 32 after divorce from first husband was final married ex-boyfriend.
age 33 we both moved out of his mothers house into my mothers house promising to be sober he lasted one month and was kicked out and sent back to his moms house. I started school at a vocational school for medical billing and coding.
age 34 finished with school but still no income because of no experience in field.
age 34 and 6 months my mother kicked me out of her house because I was having severe depression and took refuge in crisis center for the night. Couln't handle my "ups and downs" Moved back in with current husband house has no heat and I have severe asthma= sicker than a dog. Husband wouldn't keep a fire going sick of nagging see ya.
age 34 and 7 months no home, no children, no husband, no job, no hope, just shoot me now! According to my mother "What do I have to be depressed about?"

March 12, 2006
3:36 am
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mamacinnamon
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Best:

Saw your post in ilbs, but no response. I can see alot of reasons to be depressed. Want to talk a bit about it? I have a few minutes.

March 12, 2006
3:52 am
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Anonymous
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Best,

I'm here to talk if you would still like. You've sure seen a lot of sadness. We'll help pick you up.

Seeker

March 13, 2006
5:16 am
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bestholeeverdug
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Was reading my time line from the other night I don't even feel the words I read Im either numb or crying hysterically. I feel like such a failure. Talked to my mom today she asked me if I was gonna try and get "it" together while I am visiting my aunt. I went and saw my brother today. Havent seen him in about 2 years. His wife says he has terrible nightmares also. I miss my kids:(!!!

March 13, 2006
5:59 am
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revelation
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best...ok, my dear, I've been doing a training course in telephone counselling...and I'm going to go against everything I have learned on this course, when I write to you...sorry dear!

First...you mum, she hasn't really been a very good support in your life up to now has she? So, why are you letting her undermine you with her little ignorant comments? Oh, don't get me wrong, I'm not saying she's not a nice person, I don't know her...but there are a lot of people (in my own family also) who just ain't good at putting themselves in others shoes...either because they just don't want to, or they can't, so really their comments and advice can have a detrimental effect rather than helping...so next time she says something like "What have you got to be depressed about" just say "yeh yeh" and then go talk to someone else...sorry honey for sounding so harsh! Second...up to now, all of the men in your life have hurt and wounded you, I feel this may have left you with very low self-esteem, because of this, you have allowed men into your life who in reality, did not deserve your love, but because of your self-esteem, you believe that they were the only type of relationships you deserved (correct me if I'm wrong). These guys further lowered your self esteem, so it seems you've been going around in circles, moving from bad relationship to bad relationship and all the while your self-esteem has gotten lower and lower. Now the good stuff...Having read all about how you have tried to forge a carreer for yourself and how you have tried against all odds and within this whole mess to get and education...shows that you are an incredibly strong, intelligent person. There is obviously somewhere deep inside you an empowering spirit of survival...don't give up on that. I get the sense from your post that you are a very nice loving strong interesting person. You need to work on the self-esteem and really start to realise your worth...once this happens, you just won't except any crap relationships anymore, and you'll have the strength to stand up and say "No more" to those who try to undermine you. You will have the confidence to go out into the world and scrap your life back piece by piece....the hard part is getting that self-esteem back where it should be...this isn't easy, but it can be done...I'd recommend going to therapy...go and start at the very beginning of your life...go talk about stuff you think you've already gotten over...go and just talk, talk, talk to someone who will listen...you may not feel better immediately...you may already have gotten therapy and were dissatisfied with it...well go again...try again. DO you think you might be able to do that?

March 14, 2006
10:34 pm
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bestholeeverdug
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Thank You! I guess it has really come down to these things that I need to do feel like there is never any progress. Thinking out loud not prioritized.
Stop crying.Tell my husband we're through.Let my heart start to mend.
Keep trying to find a job.Get my own place.Get a divorce.Work my program. Start going to 12 step meetings.Spend more time with my kids. I need counseling real bad but I don't have any funds for that. Stay away from people who drain me. Learn from my mistakes.I know I need to do these things but I am so so so so tired. Somedays I just want to stay in the shower for hours and let the water wash all the sadness, hurt and broken dreams down the drain. It has helped emensley just to have somewhere to vent with out judgement being passed.

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