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Being with someone you love or someone who loves you?
October 8, 2001
1:26 pm
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PSpring6
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We have been married for two and half years and actually lived together for four years. Let me make long story short. The problem here is I do not love him but only like him from the begining. He loves me very much and is a dependent type of person, and would 100 percent commit to "our marriage". I feel sorry and sometimes, depressed. We have a very bad sexual life since I do not like it (actually, I sometimes hate it.) In addition, we have had lots of arguments about commitment to marriage. He always says I am too independent, do not pay enough attention to him, or to "our" family. He look forward to haveing kids with me. But I am defenitely not interested in it. (In my mind, I know that is because I don't love him.)
Even though, he still loves me. But most of the time, his "too much love" stresses me out and I really want to run (thousand times). He wants to try to make me love him. And in the mean time, he told me last night, he would be so depressed that he would quit studying in his current mater degree if I leave him.
I felt so guilty and sorry then I said," Alright, let's stay together and please finish your school." But he wanted me to "love" him, not just "like" him, which I defenitely do not think I want to do.

Any thoughts would be greatly appreciated.

October 8, 2001
1:33 pm
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Molly
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Sounds like he is sucking the life out of you, and that the relationship is way out of balance. Then you need to ask, why did you marry some one that you don't love. However, sometimes the great relationship, partner ship is a better marriage than the lust fueled ones. Were you perhaps looking for a partner that you could controll? there are many issues to look at including his manipulation of your relationship, like a suicide threat, if you don't then I will, where will it end. Not a good place to be. combined with your adversion to sex, could it be intamacy that you fear, and do you have a clue where this comes from?
Could be a time to look inward, perhaps counseling for you, then for the relationship. You both deserve love and a good relationship, and you need to be honest with him, and your self. Take some time to think about it, and again, perhaps professional assistance to help you identify the origin of your feelings.

October 8, 2001
2:13 pm
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PSpring6
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Thank you, Molly. Yes, I once truely loved someone and it hurted so much that I decided to be with my husband, who is totally NOT my type. I thought I wouldn't get hurted since I don't love him. Also, I thought "liking" someone is enough for a partnership that you take care of each other (to a certain level).
But I was wrong, I've hurted my husband so much with my adversion to sex, and I feel guilty that I cannot love him and there is a limit on how much I can give.
We set quite a different expectation out of the marriage and the gap of expactation has driven both of us crazy.
Yes, I would like to say, find someone who you truely know you love him, and vise versa. Nothing can be worked out witout love.
Now I have learned the lession, then what? I don't mind being alone since I am very active in my field, among my firends and family. And I don't think I would like to spend my time in looking for "the right man". My problem is how to deal with my current relationship. My husband is a nice man who deserves someone who truely loves him.
He knows I don't love him (even though I can get along with him) and he is not that type of person who would easily give up. Do I want to (or can I) stay? How long do (or can) I stay with him before I use up my patience and my fuels? I am thinking being around till he graduates (one and a half year left to go). But would it do any good to him?

October 8, 2001
3:34 pm
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Molly
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This is one of those life questions, where its not about him, but about you. Love has alot of ways of evidencing its self, your willingness to stay until he graduates is a form of love. perhaps what you lack is passion, which is different than love, and has a much shorter life span than love. Are you selling your self short, as well as your husband? Is it possible that after that break up, with the love you had before, you have mental walls up in your passion zone of the brain? Is it possible that no matter who you were with you would be dealing with these feelings? Even if you had experienced passion with the man that you are married to , had he not been the person he is, and hurt you, your passion would be disconnected. We women are pretty wierd in the sexual department. Your still in touch with compassion with this guy, and if you read these threads, so many women have lost even that due to the twists and turns of the passion they once felt for their partners. This is a lop sided relationship right now,no doubt, but has possibilities, possibly. Many marriages do not work as they were based on passion, and not partnership, I am going to stick with my origional recommendation, and suggest you do some self exploring,about what you have, what you want, and expect from a relationship, and what you might be able to create with in your current situation. Regret is a terrible thing to live with, and its better to not make emotional decisions. Take your time, relax a little.

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