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Being truely honest with myself
September 9, 2005
11:23 am
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littlesteps
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Hi Guys,
We things are begining to happen just the way I thought they would. Last night hubby came home with a present for me, shop wrapped still in the bag with the reciept in the bag, he kind of tossed it at me, which was like omg here we go again. Anyways he had bought me a beautiful ring for my belated birthday, I thanked him alot. Anyways he was saying how things were getting on top of him and how exhausted he was, and let me tell you he has run him self ragged. Well the ugly old head of my co/da reared up....me to the rescue, however I was actually aware for the first time that that is what I ws doing. I told him I felt he needed to take some time for himself, seek some kind of balance inlife, I expressed to him his patterns of how he works him self into this exhaustion and then becomes depressed, drinks heavy burning the candles at both ends. I tried to help he see this, told him he would get sick etc. He got on the defense as per and said he didnt have any choices, I said we all have choices, I said honey if you dont look after yourself and love yourself you will hit rock bottom it happens every year and then you go on some binge or some rampage, I told him we all have choices and if he was telling himself that he was setting himself up to be the victim of himself....well long story short he was defensive, which I pointed out to him, I said ok look do what you think is best for you, however do not take it out on me and the kids. He then started with the pity crap the whole we our marriage is screwed blar blar, and for the first time I agreed with him, he said he wanted to seperate and I said I think it was a good idea, I explained I was sick to death of him doing this every 4 months or so and making me feel unsafe....(he hates himself that much, that he hates everyone around him) I told him I wasnt scared anymore, I also told him that I had made a mistake 18 yrs ago when I married him, I said but I forgave myself also after all I was only 17 yrs old I was a kid and I didnt pick you, you picked me. I explained how we have different proirites, his being the business and the drink, and mine being family and the children. I might as well of been on my own anyways, he is never here and when he is he is drubk or abbusive. This al happened way faster then I had thought it would. He even said I was having an affair with my counselor which lives in CA, I live in OR, we counsel via phone, I couldnt help but laugh and seen it for what it was. He said oh well you will be fine your nothing but a slut youll be with someone in less then a week, I said well I am sorry you feel that way and right there was partly the reason I beleived it was best we went our seperate ways, I want respect I said you have a filthy mouth and I am sick of your abuse, I said you are the one who suggested the seperation, I said you did that thinking I would break down and cry, beg for forgiveness blar blar, I said no more, I said I LOVE ME NOW, I dont need your love anymore. I said I stayed in this marriage thinking if I gave you enough if I loved you enough you would change FANTASY. I said I tried all of this always believing I was doing it because I loved you so very much, I said but now I understand I was trying to fix you and your problems so I could have happiness, and I understand now I can not control or fix or anything you, I just want to focus on me and the kids now. I said I want to be choosen over a business/booze, I want to experience family life, what it was like to go camping and do things as a family. So with that he told me to get the F**K out of the house right now, I said no, this is half my home to and if you dont like it (and I used his words he has used on me for 18 yrs and it felt great) THERES THE DOOR use it, and smiled.
Not sure how I feel, kind of strange, not scared at all, just kind of like ok now what, not looking to much at the nig picture, just living for today. I cant beleive how far I have come in my healing process in just a few months, its incrediable. For all of you who suffer as I do with MAJOR co-da, help yourself and read get therapy, love yourself. These men are pigs and they arnt worth crying over, hold your heads up high. I am where I am at in just a few months of focusing on me, I have been physically/mentally and emotionally abussed for yrs,he had affairs the whole 9 yards, and little faithful put up with everything he dished out....no more, Im so ready for something different, I want to love me and my children and thats it....this site has helped me alot also.....hugs

September 9, 2005
11:38 am
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gayle
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all I can say is Wow! What an amazing story you have! I am proud of your strength! It it obvious how far you have come! Congratulations!

September 9, 2005
11:39 am
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gingerleigh
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You go girl. So proud of you! Hang in there!

September 9, 2005
11:45 am
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Anonymous
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OMG, WOW - change your name to BIG steps!!!!!!!!

okay - the good thing is - you stood up for yourself finally.

the bad thing is - you are codependent and will have the urge to back down.

but you know this - and since you knew exactly what you were doing and was prepared and scared the crap out of him by standing your ground and not feeding him the drama - you did AWESOME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

the next step is - what now? - if you are CERTAIN this is the end - or that you want it to end - you need to start investigating your legal options...up to and including, but not limited to, where to live, how to separate or make him leave or where you should go, how to divide the finances, cars, assetts, etc, and how to support yourself and what legal aid you will need - and DO NOT forget the therapy and meetings!!! cuz when you feel yourself get weak - RUN to the sponsors, the meetings, the therapist, NOT HIM!!!!

not sure how I can help from here - but if you need anything, please ask.

I know the feeling you have now - when I left my ex - and cleaned out his house - and took my stuff - the feelig of satisfaction was strong, fear was there, doubt was there - but PEACE was there - the feeling that this was FINALLY it - no going back - no more roller coaster, no more abuse, no more late night phone calls, no more mind games - it was over.

it killed me that he ran from me and ran to the other woman and is getting married this october - after swearing he had nothing going on with her - but in the end, I know she is not going to be happy with him and he won't be happy either - I unfortunately got myself into another roller coaster, but instead of jumping off at the top of the hill, I am looking at ways of making the ride a little smoother - and hopefully, when I figure it all out, I will have a healthy marriage to someone that loves me and treats me like I deserve.

I gave lita advice about seeing a lawyer - or contacting your local legal aid office, let the school know what's going on at home - so they can observe and intervene if your kids end up in crisis or need extra help dealing with school work or emotions. Get into therapy, meetings and such - explore your legal and financial options.

but ENJOY LIFE a little - laugh with the kids - be there for them - work hard to make them feel safe and don't let them have to worry about making you happy - that's one thing I have to do better - my daughter sense my feelings and tries to make things better for me - it's not her job - and I am working hard to makign HER happy and being silly with her, instead of the other way around.

it's alot to think about - and don't expect your husband to make it easier - their disease won't let them - they will do everything they can to get us back to that "submissive" partner they had for so long - cuz the new partner they have scares the life out of them.

be safe!

September 9, 2005
12:14 pm
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littlesteps
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Thanks guys, I too am amazed at myself and how far I have come. Alicat I know you are right but I also understanf now where the fear comes from, it comes from thinming to far to the future, its noraml and it's human and I am not alone in this feeling. I know for me to focus on small steps, today I will simply relax with the whole thing, after 18 years of living this nite mare I am kind of numb....the way I see it and I could be wrong, but he can pack and go, it wont be me, we have 2 children and this is there home too. If he starts his control crap he will see a awhole different side to me he never knew existed. I am going to focus on letting go of these fears, fears which are real but can keep us chained to hell, I cant even begin to explain how I feel except its light. I think if we can understand our emotions and what is happening to us and why it helps take out the anxiety factor. These men are serious mungrels, they know excatly what they are doing, they are men who were spoiled brats, they are selfish and care for themselves first and foremost. I am so glad I worked this stuff out. I feel I am in a very calm place right now, placing my fears with my higher power and knowing he will take care of things that seem impossible to me. He has already shown me what he can do with the huge turn around that he lead me to see, ask and you will recieve, make it your mission if you want set of this desease. I hope for his sake that he hits absolute rock bottom, maybe then he will realize he has a problem and seek help for him, I know I cant help him, its like leading a horse to water and trying to make a 1200lb animal drink lol. What an impossible mission I took on. For everyone out there who wonders if there partners will change here is your answer....only if they wont to, and you can stand on your head and turn blue if you want it wont change diddly squte. Its not your job to make them see the light, its not your job to rescue them, stop doing it and put that energy on yourself and sit back hold on to your britches cause you'll be shocked an amazed at what will take place. Fear is usually thoughts of the future, things we dont know yet, so just know everyone has that and its normal, but dont let it run and dictate your life. And as far as the kids go, well they are constantly asking me why I stay with there Dad, you have to sit and up and take notice when your children say leave him Mum hes no good. And I honestly do not bad mouth him to our children, I dont think that is healthy at all, amd always belived they would work it out as they got older. He told me last night I was turning the kids on him when our 12 yr old daughter stood up and expressed herself for the first time to her Dad, telling him she hated the way he spoke to me and he needed to grow up, he swung on her faster then you can say bob's ya uncle and said how dare you type crap, I said well as much as I wont incourage disrespect toward you with the children, you should listen to what she is saying, because as younge as she is she is right, and she does have feelings to which she should be able to express. I told him he was turning his own children against himself, I said when was the last time you hugged your kids, talked to them, seen them, you dont do any Fathering to them, I am used to playing 2 roles in the family. I told him he didnt like it when his Dad never gave him attention and he was doing the exact thing he swore he would never do to his own and it was his own fault for the way they felt. What's next, serenity is what is next and no matter what happens and cant get any worse, I want freedom and peace, I wont stop till I get it 🙂

September 9, 2005
12:23 pm
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gofigure
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Wow littlesteps, you are an inspiration. Way to go!!!!!!!!!!

September 9, 2005
12:33 pm
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Anonymous
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you are doing so great.

my daughter constantly puts my dad down for his drinking - and in the end, I had to curb it - told her to discuss it with me or mom, but do not disrespect him. She has a right to feel like she does, but she has no right to be disrespectful to him - the thing is - he is GREAT to her - he does not do anything but love and give to her - but she hates his drinking. I know she is right. She knows she is right - but there is a respect issue - and maybe I am wrong - but it's not worth my father going back at me for turning her against him - or potentially turning on her - which would break her heart.

so we discussed it with her - explained how we can't change him and that her words are hurtful - and told her to curb it - share them with us - but don't try to fight him on it.

my only concern for you is how much "damage" he may do by being stubborn and not leaving the home. Not sure just how violent he can be - only you and he know that. But I know that at one point - I was living with my brother, and he pushed me to the point of wanting to throw something at him in total rage - he sat there with a grin - saying "is this what you want your daughter to see???"...I was FURIOUS.

just be careful - getting him to leave may be hard.

September 9, 2005
12:59 pm
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littlesteps
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I want to share with you guys the life I have endured with this man, I have forgiven myself for my wrong doings, I have also forgiven him knowing he also has a wounded soul. I meet this man at 17, coming out of an abbusive childhood with a mother who was a seriuos alcoholic and she sexually abused me. Anyways the abuse started 6 wks into it, I got my first beating which left me scared, I had no where to go, I didnt want to go home, he pleased himself at the bars all the time, drinking etc, I would come home after work and make beautiful dinners thinking it was something wrong I was doing lol, he wouldnt come home, I started throwing his diners out he beat the hell out of me for it. The years went on and the beatings where regular, there were times I truely believed he was gonna kill me. After begging him to stop and no changes I met this guy when I was like 21 and I had a one night stand with him, my hubby caught me red handed....not cool let me tell ya...he bet the lving hell out of us both...i did it cause i wanted love. Anyways not long after we had our first child so I was at home not working anymore. All threw the preg he would tell me how gross I looked how fat and yuk I was, it crushed me, still not coming home, haiving strange women drive him home etc...one night I stood up for myself after he called me a filthy slut infront of friends we were having over for dinner, I slapped his face, wrong thing to do lol he held me over a gas heater and burnt the shit out of my back, dragged me 30' out side and kneed me in the head until I was uncontiuos....I left alot back them, always went back I was scared. Things were hard in the money department and so he suggested I became a hooker and like a fool I did it for him, he was my pimp...it was the nastiest experience I do beleive I have ever done, was like allowing yourself to be rapped over and over...he didnt care how I felt and got very abussive when I wouldnt do it anymore. The yrs the abuse went on, he drank the whole time, for yrs I never touched the stuff, then in my early 20's I was like well if ya cant beat em join em, and I drank alot to supress my unhappiness. In my mind all these yrs I believed I was truely trapped, I made myself a victim of my own fears. We had our son and moved to USA, no family no friends, got scarier, I got him having an affair, he litterally killed me inside, and it was then I reached rock bottom and swallowed so many pills it wasnt funny....I ended up getting my stomack pumped and felt stupid and alone...he didnt care when I was sitting there days later with my body going threw spasams as a result of the over dose. I stayed even after he told me the reason he had done it was because she had bigger tits and a smaller ass then me, omg it crushed me, I cried for what seemed foreevr...so what did I do, went and got breast implants thinking oh thats it. About 6 wks after the op he beat me really bad left me for dead. He put my head threw a wall and kicked the shit out of my face and stomach.....he kicked me in the stomach while I preg also....anyways he left me unconsious witht the kids in bed, he cut all the ph cords, when I woke up I called the police, it was thie first time I had ever called them...he was arrested, but who do you think bailed his dum ass out, I can laugh now at all this because I understand it, but yup I did, I couldnt even put the turkey in the oven for christmas my whole face was so bruised and swollen. Life went on all the same crap, the bars being by myself all the crap....about 6 wks ago he split my eye open because our neighbor hugged me, he then took out a gun and started shooting at us. The police were called, he is now on probation and has to do anger classes, he just lied threw the whole thing....Im done with this life, he crush my whole person, I have been so lost, ever thing about me changed, and now I am started to feel the old me, its small but its enough for now....thanks for letting me share. For all you out there wondering how you will break there hold over you, how you will give up your addiction to them, the answer lays within yourself, please look there and love yourself, get HELP now, dont waste your life as I have done, the only 2 things good that came out of this whole mess is my babies, and I put them in harms way also, thats how weak and pathetic I thought I was...wow its sad isnt it, how these men hunt ya like a cat would a mouse, they toss you round and round, RUN dont look back....thanks for reading my book lol .....hugs

September 9, 2005
1:01 pm
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taj64
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This is an overnight success story if I ever heard of one, it is this one. You have your own self to thank for all this. What a powerful woman you are. I admire you Little Steps. You are on your way to a more peaceful life and getting what YOU want. I have been hearing a lot of stories on here about Narcissim (sp?) and he sounds like a classic case. I looked on the internet for information on this term, I knew what it was, but not the extent of it. The kicker was that most of the people remain this way. I saw my former BF with a lot of the symptoms and now kicking myself even more. My eyes are open for next time around. In the meantime, Little Steps I cannot believe have much you have grown the past week. It is so amazing! Little Steps made huge stives with her feet. WAY TO GO!!!!!!

September 9, 2005
1:06 pm
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taj64
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Oh Little Steps, I just read your response. I think we click on the same time. Oh your story is so tragic. What a very brave woman you are. You have been through so much. And none of this your fault. And you came out of this a woman of incredible strength. I feel lucky to know you. This husband didn't deserve you in any way shape or form. Take your kids, build a different life, teach them love, you have found your pot of gold.

September 9, 2005
1:11 pm
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Anonymous
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wow - I wanna cry for you - but know that tears aren't what's called for here.

I admire your COURAGE!!!

my best friend endured similar - was stabbed while she was preg. with her third child - all three children were products of marital rape. He was a drug user.

one day she woke up, saw the light, and took her kids, all in diapers, and a diaper bag and the clothes on her back to a shelter and never looked back.

he has been in and out of jail - he has been in and out of the hospital. the shelter helped her get on her feet - she is as strong as you are - and got jobs to support the four of them - and got therapy - and then met the man of her dreams - an old childhood sweetheart - and he took them in, all of them - and they got married, bought a house, and even have visitation with their real dad now that he seems clean these days. How she forgives, I will NEVER know. But she endured the same hell you speak of. She said, when the peaceful feeling washes over you - you know you are heading down the right road - let that peace wash over you and guide you - embrace it, follow it, let it calm you. Sounds like you have found your peaceful feeling that you need to get thru this next phase.

I worry now more than I did before - he sounds HORRIBLE - but the fact that he is on probation should protect you - cuz one false move, and you can put him away for a while.

You have seen hell - now I pray you find peace and get a little piece of heaven.

thank you for sharing your story with us - you are inspiring!

September 9, 2005
1:19 pm
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kathygy
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littlesteps,

You have been through horrendous abuse. Somewhere you were wounded and kept going back for more. What a nigthmare. You didn't deserve any of this treatment. I am shocked at how your husband treated you and shocked that you accepted it. But now you know better. You need to get rid of this man asp, out of your life. Do whatever it takes to get him out. You don't deserve the ongoing abuse or the reminders of the horrible past you had with him. What's stopping you from filing for divorcee?

love,
kathy

September 9, 2005
1:36 pm
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littlesteps
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Probably because I have learnt to understand myself, When I try to do everything to fast I get way scared it frightens me and it lures me back to hell....nope one day at a time, littlesteps is the key for me. After you have been rapped of your own person something happens to ya, I cant explain it but it does, and now I understand that fighting my own fears only leads to what I have kept doing over and over. Nope I will do what I know is right for me, I have to stay calm and focused, focused in the now, not next week, not next month, nut today and now....you see after going threw all this its like what's the rush, I know you probably dont understand that and I cant expect you too, but for me it's what I need to do. FEAR is an evil and it keeps us doing the same, so why scare myself????I will take littlesteps and keep myself focused firmly on me. Who cares what he does, he will just be at the bar and crap, I am not worried about him, infact I already know his next move, you see he knows how I have ticked inthe past, he will use the same ammo, he just doesnt know that I changed guns lol. He will try and freak me out, he will come home and most likely pack his bag the whole time yelling abuse, usually what I would do is go into some kind of pannick attack, letting the litte girl within me, the little girl who was abandoned, drive the bus. Well now I love her and understand her, I will let him go. I am not going to go out of my way to turn this into something scarey that Iknow will trigger old stuff for me, nope I will simply let him go and stay focused on me, loving me threw the fear....tomorrow will come soon enough, I will live for today 🙂

September 9, 2005
1:37 pm
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confusedboopster
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COngratulations, LittleSteps. I am very proud of what you have done despite what you've been through. I am kinda in the same boat, but the abuse I get is mental/emotional, nothing physical. I am trying to build up the courage to get out. It is hard. I am standing up for myself more. Good Luck in your future and whatever happiness it may hold for you.

ConfusedBoopster

September 9, 2005
1:46 pm
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Anonymous
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you got great analogies - I loved the part about changing guns - and even laughed out loud! the part about the little girl who drove the bus too.

I have GREAT HOPE for you - you seem like you got it all figure out - and I hope to be in the same spot soon myself.

I think that's why I am waiting too - he is not abusive, so it's not critical - but in the end, he doesn't appear healthy for me - not to me, not to outside observers. I should just get rid of him - but I want to think clearly when I make the decision - I want to know in my heart and mind I am doing the right thing - cuz if I don't - the fear of abandonment, the doubts, the whatever, will haunt me and drive the big yellow bus (or short bus???LOL) right back to his driveway and park me there for round number whatever.

I know the feeling of not wanting to rush - let's see how things play out - you took incredible steps to this point and you need to keep your balance - why rush as you say - you have been thru hell - while I fear saying it can't get any worse, I know it could possibly - but in the end, you are so grounded, you know what's gonna happen next, and you know how safe you are or aren't - and you know enough to trust when to run or when to stand and fight for what you deserve.

my thoughts will be with you this weekend - I hope it all works out great for you.

September 9, 2005
2:00 pm
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Lass
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Little:

I went through similar stuff with my first husband, who has put me through years of hell since without any child support, and long, lying custody battle. Prepare yourself for backlash to leaving. Keep making it known it is his decision. Let him think he is doing a number on you.

Do not negotiate with an emotional terrorist.

AND, unfortunately, do the work or you will repeat this with someone else. I did. It may be a somewhat better version of the same thing, but still is the same thing.

The answer lies within me healing--with God's help.

I am blown away by your story, and growth!!!!

Love you all,
Lass

September 9, 2005
2:14 pm
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littlesteps
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Thanks Ali, I truely appreciate all you guy;s support and incouragement, and for the first time in my life I too am patting myself on the back for my courage. It take couragous steps to make change, it's kinda silly when we want change so badly yet we keep doing the same, and wonder why we keep getting the same. I know I have to do things different this time, and it might not be how anyone else would do it and thats ok too, but if it feels right and it feels peaceful, I say follow it. Looking back over my life and the way I always did things,I would always make impulsive decisions, based on I am not putting up with this crap etc etc, but I was lacking the key ingredient to leave and that was love and undertstanding of what I truely needed. I would always try and do what everyone else would do and it didnt work for me, fear consummed me in large gulps, instead of getting impulsive and doing the RIGHT THATS IT thing, I have to walk slowly to my freedom, for me I will get there faster by taking my time and loving myself threw it. The only way I can explain it is by telling a joke that says it clearly......once upon a time there was a younge bull and an old bull, well the farmer put all the cows out into the feild to be breed,....well the younge bull was so excited jumping up and down saying to the old bull.....wow lets run down there now and go breed one of those cows.....the old bull look up slowly at the younge bull and said, why dont we just walk down there slowly and breed them all...lol .Thats how I feel I will get more done if I take my time to understand and imbrace my feelings and not try to push and scare myself...maybe thats what some of you guys need to do for you too....its ok to do what feels right for you.

September 9, 2005
2:57 pm
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Anonymous
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I think that once you are on your feet and balanced and stabilized, you would be GREAT as a counselor at a women's shelter or crisis center.

your story is so inspiring, your courage so uplifting and your plan of attack makes SO much sense.

you give me great hope in my own struggles and I know that anyone who walked even a TENTH of a mile in your shoes would appreciate the wisdom you have come into.

I finally started embracing what I thought was best, and stopped getting outside feedback - and things are calmer and my friends and family love me more cuz I am not making them crazy with all my drama - and in return, I have put the drama on hold for myself - it's a good feeling.

I still tell them that I am struggling, but don't go into details and assure them that I am doing the best I can and they dont need to worry.

I like your story about the bulls - I need that kind of thought to help me learn patience - cuz I am the young bouncy bull eager to run and get started - and I fizzle and fall out of line when I do - and this time I am trying to pace myself.

I even stopped reading so many damn books at once - I was really making myself crazy...so many thoughts, ideas and plans - how to make it all work perfectly - well, I need to LIVE - not stick my nose in a book - so I am working on processed what I have learned so far and LIVING - enjoying the last of the summer sun, my bday and my free time - the rest will have to wait it's turn!

September 9, 2005
3:08 pm
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littlesteps
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Thanks Ali that means alot, yup we will get there in plenty good time, after all the man who made time made plenty of it, enjoy life, look for the half of the glass that is full and be greatful for all our blessings. I think it is when we feel the very worst or going threw the very worst is when we really have to work hard on saying loving things to ourselves, being there for that inner little girl who is scared, who doesnt understand and feels abandoned.....hugs to you Ali

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