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being the other woman is getting old
March 23, 2006
11:48 pm
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dreamer123
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I am seeing someone who is married. We have been seeing each other seriously for 4 months. He says he is not happy at home and that he is NOT in love with his wife any more. He says they just exist in the same house. I was married and know what this feels like. At the same time, I see no efforts of his getting out. I am tired of sneaking to see him and always looking over our shoulders, but at the same time, when we are together , life is so great. We laugh, we enjoy life and we plan for a future. But each evening, he goes home to her and I come home to a lonely house. How long does it take to make a decision?? Am I wrong to expect him to make a change when I am just the "other woman" . Do I have a right to feel tired of sneaking around??? Or do I deserve to have to wait and see if we even get to see each other each day because I know it is wrong to be with a married man. I do love this guy, for whatever that is worth. I just find myself being so lonely any more.

March 24, 2006
12:05 am
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Shaney
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Hi Dreamer :o)

This situation turns out different for everyone, but the majority of those that I've known that have been involved with a married man, usually end up right where you are.... feeling lonely and feeling as though you're playing second fiddle to the wife. And you are - you will always come second, as long as he is with her. Realistically, you can't come first - then the cat would be out of the bag. Will he leave his wife for you? He might, but at this point he's experiencing the best of both worlds. He's got all the comforts of a stable relationship, and the excitement of a new relationship. He's got stability AND he's got passion, because he's got two women. It's not fair to you. But you're the only one who can change your situation. You might want to ask yourself why you got involved with an unavailable man in the first place, especially knowing from the beginning that he would always return home to his wife after being with you. It's hard, I know. You may also want to consider the character of this man. Do you really want to have a relationship with a man that would cheat on his wife? He may be wonderful when you're together, but someday you might find yourself in her shoes. My feeling is that you deserve better, honestly. Don't you feel that you deserve more?

March 24, 2006
12:16 am
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needhim
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I am not trying to be the moral police or anything but have either of you thought of the other woman? This is a woman who put her faith in a man. They said wedding vows. Unless she is done with the marriage, this will kill her. Do you really want to be a part of that?

Although, I do think he is alot to blame. He should really think of someone other than himself for a second. Because really all he is thinking about is himself. He has his cake and can eat it too.

I can tell you are looking for the same thing that everyone is looking for..."THE ONE" But has he really put your feelings into consideration? He has misled you and involved you in the worse kind of deception. You have to give him the ultimatum! Leave your wife or lose me!

The relationship is doing nothing for your self esteem either. You sit night after night wondering why he can't be with you. Why can't he? My counselor told me there is no such thing as being "NUMBER ONE" but I disagree with her there. We should have that person in our life that looks at our feelings and put them AT THE VERY LEAST number two in the consideration. A person who knows our spirit and would want to do nothing to crush it. It crushes your spirit each time you have to hide because you can't be proud to be with him. He is taken. IF he leaves his wife at least you would know he is proud to be seen with you too.

Does he have children? That could complicate things. Have you thought about how you will be looked at if he does break-up with his wife, you will ALWAYS be the other woman. THe children may never be able to accept you because to them you will be the reason their mom and dad broke-up. If he doesn't have children and if he really doesn't love his wife than why is he making himself miserable staying with her?

I guess I am not much help. I just thought I would give you a few thoughts to ponder. I hope I haven't offended you in any way.

March 24, 2006
12:27 am
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Shaney
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I agree with you, needhim. Of course his family's feelings are a huge consideration. Involving yourself with a married man isn't right, period. It flings the door wide open for all sorts of hurt, for everyone involved. As far as I'm concerned, women should stick together and make it impossible for men to fall prey to their impulses or tendencies to be unfaithful. But life , unfortunately has never worked that way.

But regardless of what decisions dreamer has made, she's in need of support, opinions, and some possible direction. Of course the right thing for everyone would have been for dreamer to look the other direction when faced with the reality of becoming involved with a married man. Unfortunately it didn't work out that way, and she's experiencing the conseqneces of her decision. But she still needs support, and that's why we're here. But I do get, and agree with what you're saying.

March 24, 2006
12:31 am
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needhim
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I didn't mean to sound unsupportive. I guess I was just trying to play the devil's advocate. I think what you need to do is think about this and think about yourself. Is this really how you see your life? I think maybe once you take a step back you will find a more fullfilling life somewhere else.

If he really is what you want then you will have to communicate with him what you really need. If your needs are not being met you will never be happy!

Good luck! I hope the best for you!

March 24, 2006
12:32 am
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needhim
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I didn't mean to sound unsupportive. I guess I was just trying to play the devil's advocate. I think what you need to do is think about this and think about yourself. Is this really how you see your life? I think maybe once you take a step back you will find a more fullfilling life somewhere else.

If he really is what you want then you will have to communicate with him what you really need. If your needs are not being met you will never be happy!

Good luck! I hope the best for you!

March 24, 2006
12:32 am
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needhim
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I didn't mean to sound unsupportive. I guess I was just trying to play the devil's advocate. I think what you need to do is think about this and think about yourself. Is this really how you see your life? I think maybe once you take a step back you will find a more fullfilling life somewhere else.

If he really is what you want then you will have to communicate with him what you really need. If your needs are not being met you will never be happy!

Good luck! I hope the best for you!

March 24, 2006
12:43 am
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Shaney
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I had the opportunity to become involve with a married man - a guy that I worked with. And my number one consideration was what it would do to his wife and kids if they ever found out. That alone, kept me from getting involved with him. Playing devil's advocate in my case made the difference in my decision.

Needhim, I think your view is extremely important - and should definitely be considered. Thanks

March 24, 2006
12:44 am
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Shaney
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Hey needhim - did your finger spazz out on the send reply button?

March 24, 2006
4:29 am
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alycia
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Don't they all play the same tune, they arent happy at home. He isnt in love anymore etc etc etc.

I guess he isnt goin to say he is happy but would like a an exciting new fling as well.

I have been there and done that, at first i didnt know he was married and after a few mths he told me, by then i was hooked.

After a little while i couldnt do it anymore as i wanted someone i could be with, not just have from time to time.

Years went by, he divorced, left yet another relationship and met me again, we were together 4 yrs, i thought he wont do it to me.

He fessed up a little while ago that during one of our few break ups he was with someone else, thus the reason for the break up,

he left me again after 4 yrs and a baby and has a woman suprisingly again, i am guessing she was the reason he left as we had it pretty good, just a baby changed that spark i guess.

After all that, my advice is listen to shaney and to needhim as i do feel for his wife who has no idea, he does have the best of both worlds, washing done, cooked meals and a new relationship to brighten his day and bring back the spark.

Sorry to say he is an ass and as the saying goes if he can do it to her he can do it to you and trust me he can, he has no intention of leaving his wife and my advice would be to seek a man who is available sooner rather than later and rid urself of future heartbreak.

Get out while u can ... dont be like me and think he wont do it to me, he has learnt from the mistakes he made during marriage which is one line i got........... Get out my dear b4 u end up hurt big time......

March 24, 2006
6:07 am
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dreamer123
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no his son is grown and moved away. I have thought about the other woman, because I too have experienced the flip side of this. After 16 years of marriage, my husband had multiple affairs for 3 more years before I finally gave up. I work with this person as well, and our relationship is different than any I have had before. Yes, it is wrong to see a married man, it is not my natural standards to see married men at all. I fought this one for many many months before I fell . I do believe he loves me, but I also believe he loves her too. I am just lonely, frustrated, disappointed in myself for allowing myself to get in this mess, and I am tired of being on stand by for "my time". Just need some good for a while somehow. Just want to laugh again instead of worrying or crying all the time. I havent slept one whole night well since all this began, even with sleeping pills.

March 24, 2006
6:09 am
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dreamer123
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oh yea, and the jealousy on his part is far more than the jealousy I have about his wife. He doesnt want me talking to or laughing with any other man, especially at work. I have always had many guy friends with absolutely nothing more than friendship with. Whats up with his jealousy if he is still married???

March 24, 2006
10:40 am
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taj64
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He won't leave his wife. Forget it. Your story is exactly mine. It was over about 7 months ago. And I am still hurting over it. Of course he is jealous. it is part of the deal to keep you drawn in. Everything you said here was exactly how it was for me. I became highly codpendent. I went from feeling really good about him, being in love to never wanting to date man again. I even dated several men while seeing him only to realize that none of them were suitable. I kept going and at least wanted to still date. Now from my experience, I don't want a man at all until I fully recover from him and that may take a very long time. He is using you. He will not leave his wife for you. He may love you and he may not be "in love" with her but I bet 10 to 1 he still loves her and as soon as she finds out or if she already knows she will cling to him more. He is unhealthy man and will end up destroying you. Don't believe the jealousy crap. It is only part of his selfish side and is not really about you. I thought my married man was above everyone else too, like no other. Now, I feel extremely repulsive about it. Yet deep down I still love him only I cannot see him and he cannot see me because he is now allowed to contact me. It was promise between them. Yet even with that promise, he still responded to my emails and still drew me in. No he won't leave her, Im telling you this to save yourself. Go get help and do what is right for you to make yourself healthy and think about you only. Don't look back, move forward. If you go back, you get exactly what is going on now, hurt.

March 24, 2006
11:22 am
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taj64
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And they don't just exist in the house. Don't buy into that. They are sleeping together. He doesn't want you to know these things. And if he is sleeping with her, he is also cheating on you with her. I don't care if they are married. If he is saying he loves you and he is sleeping with her, he is cheating on you as well. And the chance of him cheating on you are very high even if you do end up with him. I was girl #4 on my ex's list. But I believe because our affair was more emotional, he did fall for me and everyone aknowledges that fact, he is in therapy still and is changing for the better so his marriage can work. It took this affair for him to do this. This was painful experience. I too was in love for a long time but it most likely was because we never go to experience what normal couples do and therefore always remained at the same stage. I still have exact same feeling for him as I did in the early stages but I also accept the fact that we will never be together. Nor would it do me good to think that way. I have come to terms with this. Tot hink otherwise I am in denial and I am not in denial any more. If there are children involved especially get out because he won't leave his kids either. Don't waste time. 4 months is not that long and you can recover quickly. I did this for 3 years of my life and all it came to be was an emotional rollercoaster and in the end my heart got seriously damaged.Im sorry to be so harsh but this speaks to me directly and if I can help one person from what I went through I am grateful. You deserve a man who can be there for you, support you, not feed you half truths. You will not be able to trust and trust is key element in a relationship.

March 24, 2006
11:54 am
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gingerleigh
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I disagree with some of the opinions above, because I think that what's going on with his wife is not your concern. All that matters is what's going on with you. The question posed above, why would you as an available woman would settle for someone who is clearly not available, that's the only question you have the power and insight to answer.

There are a few other threads you can search for where there has been a lot of comments and things to ponder might be very relevant for you. Two I can remember are "But he's married" and "He's married - 2".

If you're only into it 4 months, statistically speaking, cut your losses now. It only goes downhill from here.

March 24, 2006
12:00 pm
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sunshinetrisha
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Dear Dreamer,

I have been with my married man for almost 4 years. I know how you feel after 4 months. It's still new and exciting and for some reason, men get a kick out of this. They like the sneaking around and maybe getting caught cause everything is focused on them.

When I first got with mine, I was seeing someone else and as soon as he thought he would lose me, he left his wife. I fell for it cause I thought "God, he left his wife and kids for me". Well, we broke up over the months, back and forth and he always went home to her. Then he would miss me and we would get back togather.

He told me the same thing, he wasn't IN LOVE with her anymore. Although I know how hard it was to walk out and hurt his family, I still ask myself why. He has a good wife and she is a good mother. She doesn't drink (he is an alcoholic). And what gets me is she would take him back in a heartbeat.

His kids hate me, He only see's them mainly on holidays, birthdays or once in a while if he has to go to the house for something. And we all live in the same town.

So in the present, I just bought a trailer which he is remodleing and I am questioning whether I should just let him live there and I stay in my apt. cause he is also a cheater. There is no trust. But for some reason we keep getting back together.
I guess it's the co-dependent in us
plus I think he is a narcissist.

I have never been under so much stress since I have been with this guy and I have been married 4 times in my life.

Dreamer, please examine yourself on this mess your getting into. I didn't listen to anyone and now I wish I would have. I am not happy with this man but I just feel stuck right now and the money part? Don't expect him to help you in any way financaly. Especially if he has kids and a morgage.

I could write a book on this experience if I had time. ]
PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE STOP NOW.

I have even thought of moving away to get away from him.

good luck dreamer,
sunshine

March 24, 2006
12:02 pm
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taj64
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I only brought up the fact about the wife because maybe it is not anyone business but if you are in relationship with someone that is in one you automatically get in the middle and there are things to consider. No the wife is not her concern, you are right but his own therapists brought that out to me. It is to raise the point that while he is saying he loves you, he is at home doing other things and telling her he wants a relatinshiop with her, she should have a right to know about that. You cannot close your eyes and not think about the wife. She is person too, she is one that gets hurt. So I disagree with that it is not your concern. You have many things to consider, not just yourself.

March 24, 2006
1:33 pm
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islandwmn
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Dreamer, I am in a similar situation to yours. We didn't have to sneak and we had great times together. However, every time he left all I thought about was his wife. This was something I vowed never to get involved with and I did. I do love him but I have decided the best thing for me to do is let this relationship go. I did not like how I felt because of my moral beliefs and it was tearing me apart. Today is my first day and of course I'm sad but I also feel like I've made the right decision. Unfortunately, this will be the end of many years of friendship but it's as a result of the choice I made. Good luck and remember to be true to yourself.

March 24, 2006
2:24 pm
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2smart4this
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Dreamer, what it really boils down to is this. His wife, his family, should not be your primary concern. You need to think about what you want in a relationship. I promise you, if he's cheated on one relationship, he will cheat on others. Even if you came to feel good about this, and he left her for you, what happens when he is late coming home from work or some other excuse? Can you trust him? Or do you want someone who puts you first, who only has eyes for you? there are worse things than being alone, believe me.

March 24, 2006
3:05 pm
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Loralei
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Dreamer, if he is truly unhappy at home then if he wants a life with you he should get a divorce so he can be with you. If he isn't willing to do that, then he doesn't really love you and you need to get out of that relationship for your own sake. Give him that ultimatum and you will have your answer.

March 24, 2006
3:15 pm
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augustthefirst
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I suppose the only thing I have to add is, think how nice it would be not to be weighed down by all this dounbt and anxiety and loneliness AND (because I believe you know this yourself) the knowledge that things can only get worse. Think how nice it would be to delete his numbers from your phone, plan a whole month of seeing your friends/whatever in advance and then ring him up and very formally tell him that it's over. Wouldn't it be a relief? And wouldn't you be proud of yourself? I always wonder why women get into relationships with men who are attached and I'm sure you don't want to be one of the essentially screwed up ones I know. Going after a married man is so often about being jeaulous of someone else's package - the stable home, the kids and so on - so these women make it their goal to destroy it. Do think about what you're doing, relationships are difficult enough without predatory women around. And I'm sure someone much more available is interested in you anyway. Best of luck

March 24, 2006
3:42 pm
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gingerleigh
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Hey Taj, how do you like that? We're predators! *laughing*

August, not all "other women" are predators, or at least we don't view ourselves that way. For me, it was never about getting what someone else had. I didn't look at his life and picture myself in his wife's place. I pictured my life with him in it.

However all of us "other women" should all ask ourselves why we're willing to settle for someone else's scraps. I've known a lot of "other women" in my life, and I can't point to a single one that was purposely out to destroy the life that someone else had. Basically, they (and I) chose someone unavailable to fall in love with.

I don't think about the married man very often any more at all, just maybe once each hour. *laugh* But in general I am happier and feeling more at peace with myself for having chosen another road where I can meet people who are available to me. I've even met one that's a pretty great guy, and he was divorced for eight years before we even knew the other existed. I love him and he loves me, although it's a different kind of love, free of the drama that had characterized my past "relationship". So sometimes it feels less intense, but it's much healthier for me, and I sleep better at night.

Best wishes...

March 24, 2006
7:51 pm
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taj64
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In my case it could not be further from the truth. I was the one to back off several times. I said no. He came after me full force. He was very interested and I was less. but we did have immediate connection that could not be explained. The minute he told me he was married, the conversation literally took a dive and I walked away. Sometimes we just fall because of who they are. Sometimes we meet people that we should not meet. Sometimes people that are in relationships for long time already know that they make a mistake becayse they got married young or whatever. I don't always believe it is because of the fact they are unavailable and we get attached to them quickly because we too are unavailable. yes that can happen but there could be many other reasons. I certainly was not my goal to go after his family. I didnt dream to be in his wife's shoes. I did dream of being with him but no not to take someone's place. And I also believe as hard as everything was for me to have been in that position and how deeply hurt I was, that it was the right thing for me to do and break it off. I do not have to be concerned with whether or not he will cheat on me. I do not have to live in the agony anymore. I know it is pretty common for the wife to blame the other women but let me tell you, it is most certinaly blame for the man. I saw it with my own eyes. Like I said earlier I was #4 and she knew all 4. Now someone tell me why would you keep trying to hang on a marriage when you husband cheats on you not once, not twice but for all of the marriage? No I certainly was not jealous. I simply fell for wrong guy. I do hope he is happy but right now I am focused on my own happiness. My heart is healing slowly but I will never forget.

March 25, 2006
12:13 am
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dreamer123
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you keep trying to "hang on to a marriage" even after 4 affairs when you have invested 16 years of your life with that person. You and him become one life, that is hard to imaging changing , even with an affair. My ex cheated 4 times too and I know the flip side of this whole thing. I know the hurt his wife will feel, but at the same time, this is her 3rd marriage too. Marriage is not the sacred thing it used to be for whatever reason. I did not seek out to destroy his marriage. As a matter of fact for the first year I knew him , I told him over and over I do NOt mess with married men, because I know what it feels like to be the wife at home. This relationship is so different than anything I have ever felt. We connect , really connect , and yet at times, I still wonder how I got messed up in this affair. I love him with all my heart, but I am already so tired of being the mistress and being understanding all the time. Affairs are hard no matter what role you play. I am just in a mess, and I dont know what to feel or what to do , or even what to say any more. The love I feel for him is consuming, yet I know I can make it on my own.I just dont know if I want to be without him until he leaves her. Its just all a crazy emotional mess.

March 25, 2006
5:19 am
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augustthefirst
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I didn't mean to be rude when I used the word predator but I have two friends in particular who always seem involved with married men and I can tell a mile off how unhappy and dissatisfied with themselves they are. They always think the grass is greener in other relationships and are locked into this cycle of profound unhappiness/denial. I'm not saying you're like them but I honestly haven't ever met a woman who's been happy to share her man. I also believe the only reason you are on this website is because you know in your heart that you have to get yourself out of this. at the moment you are waiting for him to make the decision (as we all do) and this just puts you in an impossible powerless situation. try and think of your relationship within the context of your whole life - it's impossible to believe now that you're in it, but this is just a blip. you may have told him initially that you would never get involved with a married man but actions speak louder than words I'm afraid and you went ahead anyway. i'm sure he is a lovely man but on some level he already knows that you will settle for less and that can only be a bad thing. if you break away now it might make him think about what he wants to do with his own life. i don't believe in ultimatums because they never work but do think about breaking away - not to force him into leaving his wife - but to preserve your self respect and dignity. if you do try to leave him i would really urge you to make sure you have lots of other things to look forward to once you do, also that you get a counsellor or that you go on holiday with a good and understanding friend so you can go through all you are going to have to go through without having to pretend etc. And this may sound like an odd thing to say, but try and think of his wife not as your enemy but as a friend who's probably just as bad as you at not being able to end it. And one last thing - I do believe marriage is still sacred to a lot of people - many of my friends' relationships are testament to this.

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