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BEING TAKEN FOR A FOOL, OR REALLY LOVED?
March 18, 2009
6:20 pm
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gemini1
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I am new to this site. Just found it. I am a classic co-dependent. Also admitted binge drinker to escape from pain that is caused by other people actions towards me. I am not a victim...just always worried and waiting to be used or hurt again. I am a smart, independent, well educated,well respected, attractive,professional woman.I do not know how I became this sad sack, I am worthless,I am unlovable, 39 year old, woman. I am so worried about being alone forever. I am single, no children. I use to be so happy. I get attention from men and others, people like me, and they just do not understand why I have this doom and gloom attitude. They also do not understand, " how can you be single?"...that is when I get upset, as if I am the one who is the social outcast. On the outside, I am great, put together, at home,I am an isolating desperate person for love and affection.
I met a man before Christmas this year. Things went very fast. He is from Iran. He is here on a Visa. Him and I were like Tornado. Happy, fun, romance, love, kisses, just a whirliwind of attnetion and compliments. I was just as attracted to him, but very skeptical about his intentions. I told to be very honest with me and tell me how he got to the states and what are his plans....the fact that he is muslim and 34, with that culture you are usually expected to marry someone of your own culture and religion, and someone much younger. He said he did not abide by any of that. He loved his family and his family loves who he loves. He said his heart belongs to me, I belong to him, any other woman/girl means nothing to him, I was his only true girlfriend and the one he intends to marry. I have spoken with his family on the phone he as met my mother. He has told his family he loves me and my mother he loves me. I am still skeptical. I am no rookie to the games. My codependency is kicking in and I am waiting for the pain..detachment, letting go, not trusting him is all I can think about.
He admitted to me that he made a "business deal" in Iran and married a 56 year old Iranian woman who lives in Florida on paper only to get to the United states. He said this was a common practice and was a shaemful thing, but he wanted to come here so badly, he did it. He told me he had to sleep with the woman(who I saw a photo of and she is 56)while in Iran for her to marry him and when he got to florida, he slept with her once more and then left for california after 3 weeks, he could no longer handle pretending to be her husband. She truly wanted them to act as husband and wife. He thought she was going to help him with acting/modeling/school, and work. This was not her plan, she wanted her boy toy and her young handsome husband for three years until he got his papers, then she knew he would go. Well now he has told me he has to return to Florida for 6 months to reestablish residence to get his papers back in order. His Visa will run out in 6 months. he has to make his "marriage" look real. He has promised to return to me, that he will not sleep with the woman, that she has agreed to this deal, she only wants him back in florida to relieve her embarrasment of him leaving so quickly, he will renew his papers, finish out the year, come back to los angeles, go visit his family for three months in iran, then file for divorce from the woman, and come to la to marry me...by that time I will be 41...and way out of the muslim/cultural marrying/children range. if he has a divorce. his green card, and his citizenship in process, why come back to a 41 year old? i am so desperate.

He also was suppose to return to florida a month ago, and gavve notice at his apartment, then he changed his plans not to leave until june, and now I have him and his suitcases in my apartment...he is sweet, and seems to be apppreciative...he doesnot have much money and works sporadically, but is willing to work and brings home food, and never asks for anything...but he has a clean place, with a good nice woman, a nice dog, laundry, toiletries, dishes, a cook, etc....he tells me he is ashamed and his pride is zero, but he still goes to his singing gigs, and i recently found some emails and some numbers from local girls who work at the local mall, and i being a jealous woman, have gone to the mall on a hunch and found his car there, confronted him about it, told him to leavbe, go be with these makeup counter girls, let them wash his dirty socks and put up with his florida situation, and his work situation, and his emotional problems,...go ahead....he of course turns things around and accuses me of not trusting him and if he had anything to hide why would he leave his email open and cards in his pants pockets and on the table....so I am the crazy one...(i can go find a date anywhere,anytime, and I saw one of these women and it was laughable,is he just bored with me)....
the affection has gone to a simmer, the intimacy has gone cold and is down to maybe once a week and is now a point of contention, i feel like i have to ask him,he no longer initiates the way he use to(on a daily basis), it feels more like a task, he suddenly has medical problems with his male parts, and everything is just a mess.

he works on my days off, i work on his. we dont go on dates per say due to his finances he feels embarrassed he cant pay for a proper date,i offer to pay for movies and coffee, he will make an excuse...i isolate more, i climb into my hole, my snile is gone, i detach, i am waiting for him to pack his bags and go to florida and i want to tell him goodbye and good luck forever...it is affecting my demeanor at work , it is making me want to "numb" out, it is making me distant and moody with my family.....i am just not joyful.....he is on the defense...." baby i am free, i should not have to explain everything, you have to trust me, i wont hurt you trust me,i love you, i will move to my friends so you can be happy again"...i tell him to go and be happy....go wherever he is happy, but he ends up telling me he lves me and he does not leave....

i want to be strong...i know i am going to end up broken, alone, and crushed......i have closed out my friends, my family....everyone...but him...when i go and dissappear for awhile and not call, he will call with worry and concern...what is that??

am i just a lonely old desperate woman..??? hanging on to hope????? i have so much good to offer, so much love, humor, fun, so much to bring to the table....what is wrong with me.........my head says....let it all go, tell him to leave....be strong....he is just bidgin his time,you are a filler until he leaves for his next journey, he got caught with his little galpals at the mall because he is just dumb, his ego, and his male pride wont let him be faithfull, he needs to be the center of attention and a collector of numbers and attention.....

I am just the doormat, time filler...softening the stay until he leaves....anyone....out there....to tell me how ridiculous I am .....

March 19, 2009
6:56 am
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CAMER
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stop beating yourself up...and stop settling.

I am sorry, but this guy is taken and he can promise you the world...but until his marriage with this woman in florida "ends"....nothing will change in your relationship. Yes, you can wait it out...if you choose...but never settle. This man is not the last man in the world you have the option of marrying.

Please don't feel down on yourself, so what you are 39 y/o..never married...HA! i am 43 and never married and no kids...and that is by choice, yeah maybe someday it will change but for now I am ok with it.
Remember 1/2 the marriages end in divorce, so be happy that you are single.

Don't dwell on the what ifs and could haves and should haves...live for now, build up your self esteem....let this man go to Florida to his "wife" and maybe that'll give you time to think of your wants and needs.

Read some Coda books, attend Coda meetings..there is alot of good stuff for you out there.

And know you are not alone!!!

March 19, 2009
10:04 am
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canadian hillbilly
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I am also new to this site. I am a 44 year old male who waited until 39 to marry.

My opinion, for what it's worth, is if you have to question a relationship, then it may not be worth it to stay in it. When the right person comes along, you'll know it -- soon after meeting them.

March 19, 2009
11:09 am
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StronginHim77
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Holy smoke. This guy is a real player. You have no idea what he has told this woman in Florida. You also have no guarantee that he is telling YOU the truth, but I believe your gut instinct recognizes him as a manipulator and liar.

Get him out of your house...out of your life...GET HIM OUT. He is using you. There is no commitment possible between you. He is married to another woman. End of story. (And what a whopper of a "story" he made up about that, too...which you BOUGHT into because you needed to feel loved.)

Please don't buy any more of his lies. And seek out a local CODA group or personal counseling (if you can afford it) to work through your own self-worth issues. You deserve more than a married man who is telling you what you WANT TO HEAR, in order to take advantage of you.

- Ma Strong

March 19, 2009
11:40 am
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RobynB
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Yeah, this guy is the pits. Do whatever you have to do, throw him out, change your number, change your address, but get him gone. He is useless to you.

I understand that it is common to marry for a green card, but I think it is asking too much for you to put up with this alternative situation. The only way this could have worked romantically would have been if the woman he married was a friend of the family or a "do-gooder" but the fact that she actually expects sex from him (or that he offers) is a boundary that was crossed big time.

He is a user. He used her, he'll use you, he'll use the girls at the makeup counter too. You're not his maid or his laundry service or his family. You have given him everything and he can't show any appreciation? Thats just poor manners. And justifying it by saying "well in his culture..." is little reassurance, because hello, who wants to love someone from a culture that does that, especially when you have clearly been raised to be a modern strong woman?

And besides, it isn't meant to be if it hits the rocks so soon after meeting; I mean, you should both still be in the honeymoon stage but his baggage and complications makes that impossible. So don't force it. His status is "friends with benefits" at best.

And what if he is some muslim extremist? I know chances are he isn't; he's just one of many poor refuges trying to make a better life, but seriously, he sounds like an entitled piece of trash who thinks he's on holiday in his new country. Tell this play-boy to get packing.

And I think you are too hard on yourself. No self respecting, decent man would ask you to put up with this situation. They would get their stuff straight and then pursue a relationship later. No wonder you feel so bad; this boat has been sinking since the start.

RUN! Run Now!

March 19, 2009
12:47 pm
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autumn128
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Kick this man out of your life TODAY.

Don't wait another minute. He will continue to lie and cheat as long as you let him.

You deserve BETTER.

Autumn

March 19, 2009
8:55 pm
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gemini1
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thank you all so much...my head tells me this daily....i have told him to go go away...be happy...he has to go to florida i think on monday for five days to go do the taxes and check in with immigration...while he is gone...anything he has left here will be packed up, put in storage, i will leave his keys and his car with his friend and change the lock....that will be that. last night he asked me again..."will you wait for me, but if I dont come back, please forgive me, i am so ashamed for what i have done...i love you, i cant go back to the old woman in florida, i just want to go back to iran and i know it will mess up all my green card paperwork, and the divorce will never happen..i will have to stay in iran"....i told him to be happy, good luck and i wish him the best, but FOR HIM TO GO NOW....NOT IN A MONTH OR TWO MONTHS...BUT NOW. LEAVE IMMEDIATELY...GO TO IRAN NOW. I WILL HELP BY THE ONE WAY TICKET. he suddenly backed down. now it is florida for aweek....so i will do this plan when he is gone, and tell him actions speak loouder than words,,,,,get a divorce, love up to all the beautiful promises you have told me, be the man you say you are, go see you family, be a citizen, then come back for me...." ...my therapist said if you can do that without self destruction (going on a three day binge of booze, food, or spending) then you may be able to make it through...support....i dont think he is a bad person, just a lost person who got swallowed up in the US. he came here alone,,,,in a really messed up way....and he didnt like it and ran...work isnt good, money is tight, then he met good old dependable me....lucky guy....

thank you all of you...i will read this site daily...for insight and help..i know i am not alone....

March 20, 2009
7:49 am
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sexychoclady
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O Boy Gemini1 wish u well.Seems to me like you want your cake, and eat it too. That is fine. Put please know we are here for ya! Don't stop posting and reading.... Peace

March 20, 2009
9:32 pm
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gemini1
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i am sticking to my plan....when he leaves california....it all goes to storage, and a note to his friend where it all is. i know i have to cut this all off....it is too too hurtful....he is biding his time until his next move...i know he is going home to Iran to live out his life and I am not going there....i will keep reading and getting insight...everyones posts are so full of information and strength

March 24, 2009
10:38 pm
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FeelDefeated
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You responded to my thread last week about needing to let go - even when week. I wanted to thank you. PLease go back and read my notes back to you. PLease let me knowhow this sitaution is turning out for you. I can't tell you how much you reaching out made me feel better. I hope you are feeling better.

March 24, 2009
11:25 pm
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Anonymous
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Oh Yeah! Big "Red Flags" Everywhere with this man! (Especially, the part about, where he'd said that his "wife" had told him that, "He had to sleep with her, as it...being apart of her culture, or, some part of her "situation" or some Crock of whatever!) Yeah! Dump His Ass! You can get, and Deserve better!

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