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being single
August 20, 2005
12:13 am
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gracie
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I am currently single. I have found that when I'm single I do enjoy myself when I'm out and I get attention ( of course) the problem is being co-dependant or shall I say trying to recover from being co-dependant I often feel very lonely and as if something is wrong with me because I don't have a sinifigant other but at the same time I am very picky and I should be after the trials and tribulations I have been through. Guess my question is, is anyone content or happy being single? Maybe this is the wrong sight to be asking this question as it's a co-dependant sight : - ) lol but just the same still wondering ...

August 20, 2005
4:47 am
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Cinamac
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Hi GRacie

Well I went from a codependent who hated to be alone, to discovering that I NEED to be alone to recharge, collect myself, think, sort my stuff, comb my hair, lie on the sofa, you know, just relax without making someone a sandwich, making someone else's dentist appointment, picking up someone's socks and unloading the dishwasher. I have been single since jan 03(separated for almost three years, divorced a couple of months ago).

So now the social life thing. I go to things I want to go to. I have a list of friends, colleagues, neighbours that I can go to things with or I just go by myself (there are usually many people that go to things alone). This was hard at first, becasue society says that we have to be with someone. But my someone always got pissed that I was talking with everyone else, that I always had a friend join us...then I just started to go to things on my own even when I was married becasue he hated my friends, colleagues and the like.

I also prefer to be alone becasue I do not want to get involved with anyone while I'm raising my kids. What happens if they turn out to be a weirdo. Also, I told myself I will give myself 5 years to get it together. It is so tempting to jump right back in there.., it seems everyone is getting divorced...many men, separaated not more than a month have wanted to sweep me off my feet, and the little codependent inside of me was begging me to fix that one, counsel him through the pain....then I remind myself, this is the time for MY recovery, not his. When I am ready, (in a couple of years) I will date people with no baggage, burning issues, or crazy situations. They will be financially independent, kids gone and ready to travel.

Single is not forever. For me, I need to be single to heal myself and prepare myself for the next significant person in my life. In order to attract a really great guy, I need to get rid of my baggage, get my finacial house in order, heal my pain, get my kids out of the nest, develop interests, get in shape mentally, physically, etc. If I expect this in my future partner, I can at least expect this from myself. But more importantly, I healing myself for me. Even if don't meet anybody, I then can enjoy my own company, keep active, interested and contribute to my community and to society in general.

You deserve the right to be picky. And know, you could have somebosy in the snap of your fingers. There are many desparate people out there, wheether they are a left behind spouse/partner, or somebody wanting to leave their spouse and wanting a transition person, or someone whose biological clock is ticking, etc.

I am taking this time to savour the opportunity of being alone. It is a luxury I deserve. And there are bets with my friends that I won't last a couple of years...and I have been known to never say never. But if you aren't ready, especailly what you have been through, why the hell should you put someone on your arm if you aren't ready...

And one more thing, the quality of guy that does show interest is getting more what I want (and less of the fixer upper types that I was so famous for attracting). But then again, if Brad Pitt were to leave Angelina and ask me out, I may change my mind

August 20, 2005
9:12 am
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Anonymous
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Cinemac, I applaud you! I also had this same attitude when I got out of an 18-year loveless marriage. I actually waited 3 years before I began to date again, mainly because of the same reasons you listed. I was busy focusing on raising 3 boys (my priority), and also on healing myself. I am thankful that I took that time for my boys and myself!

You are right! We deserve the right to be picky. Let's never forget that one. Be true to ourselves, because there is only ONE of us!

August 20, 2005
9:52 am
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Rasputin
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Gracie,

There is so much to be done and worked for while we are single. I have done the most important achievement in my life. I worked on my own healing, healing from abuse, traumas, mistreatments all leave their scars on our souls.

When we are single, it is the best way to discover ourselves, do soulsearching read books about codeps, attend coda meetings, seminars on growth and self-improvement.

We need to do this, otherwise we will inflict our own pain and injuries on others. Likewise, we need to choose partner who has done this job of healing his soul, otherwise he will inflict his own baggage and issues around us.

In all honesty, we all have baggage and issues, whether we are single, married, or divorced; so we should not despise or discard people who have baggage. The bottom line is to work and heal ourselves and become fresh and as good as new.

If your loneliness bothers you a lot, perhaps you can adopt a pet. I have a kitty and don't have any gf. I am unable to find gf similar to me. I consider my kitty my best friend and pray that SO will love her even more than me.

All the best!

~Love, RAS~

August 20, 2005
10:31 am
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exoticflower
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Hi Gracie!

When I left my third major codep relationship (at 20 years old, no kidding!) I lived alone down the street from my best friend in a little one bedroom apt. with hardwood floors and big bay windows. And at first I was MISERABLE, almost paced a whole through the hardwood and wore the numbers of my areas singles line off the phone. But I developed a routine, Laundry day, tea at 7 every mon. fri, and sund. with my best friend and a guy friend we had, I indulged in little extra buys for the house, some delicious room and pillow spray, gourmet teas, a few antiques that really suited me, a few large coffee table books that really reflected my tastes and personality independant of a relationship (Frida Kahlo, Design of the 20th century, Man Bites Man: Pictorial Satire from 1960 on". Bit by bit as I was reaching to show myself and others who I am, I was finding out for myself too. ANd I was liking it! tTHere was a lot of attention from guys, more and more as I developed myself more, but as I developed, I was less and less interested in dating long term. I started taking a couple of classes, really enjoyed giving cocktail parties, and was a big fan of nights in alone with Van Morrison and a bunch of candles, journaling and having tea, long bubblebaths, ME time.

And then I had a major backslide, dated a guy who sold coke, did it myself for a while, lost the apt. and gained myself a new one with an emotionally and physically abusive partner included, fled with an emotionally abusive businessman when things got bad, met a controlling musician and sex addict when I returned home, was saved from him by my crazymaking alcoholic relationship addict ex and father of my daughter....but that's 12 different stories entirely. The big thing there is that as soon as I got swept up in personal drama, it took president over and muscled out my personal respect and my personal pride in self. Like an alcoholic and drinking after being sober for a long time, it was as if I had never reclaimed myself as soon as I embraced something destructive and unhealthy, almost immediately. And this was after an entire year of actually being and loving myself! It's a tricky thing, codependancy. But when I was truly loving and neurturing myself, I LOVED being single and freeing myself from codep cluches of my mind.

August 20, 2005
10:45 am
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StronginHim77
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Ah....SINGLE-ness. A formidable and somewhat scary concept for recovering co-dependents. And yes...I am a recovering co-dependent. I know that I am recovering because my BP (Borderline Personality) boyfriend of the past six months has begun to get on my nerves. I find myself preferring other activities, to being with him and ACTING on that preference. I find myself telling him "No, I don't want to do _____(whatever)." Evenings home alone, watching some great old chick flick and eating (fat-free) popcorn are more enjoyable that sitting in some boring bar with him, while he struts and preens and exchanges aimless, shallow smalltalk with his buddies. I don't care if he calls me or not. In fact, his constant daily phone calls are becoming ANNOYING. In short, I am beginning to perceive single-ness as safe, peaceful and enjoyable.

This is a first for me. I am a widow (following a twenty year marriage) who immediately (within 1 year of widowhood) jumped into marriage with the first narcissist who asked. It lasted for 11 hell-filled days. Six months later, clutching my warm divorce papers in my eager hand, I began dating the alcoholic BP boyfriend. After months of emotional turmoil, I finally invested in myself and began seeing a therapist.

Forty-five minutes into the first session, I had my diagnosis: codependent. Ouch. What the heck is that? Well, I am learning. And I have a vision for myself now...a vision for my future. I see myself SINGLE AND LOVING IT, in full control of my own peace, happiness and contentment with life, no longer depending on the presence of another human to feel complete. I think being HAPPILY and CONTENTEDLY SINGLE is the very best preparation for becoming the healthy half of a future partnership. I will have to master the first, before I will ever be ready for the second.

Hope this makes sense. Being single can be a great blessing...a season of healing and preparation...or even a permanent season OF OUR CHOOSING. Enjoy. Grow. And keep us all posted here. We are all rooting for your successful discovery and recovery.

August 20, 2005
10:50 am
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desperate4love
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WOW - exocit flower - you really struck a chord with me. In 2001 when I divorced an abusive alcoholic - I stopped drinking, didn't date and worked on my new house/me. I did really good until I got attracted to the first loser. Which led to the 2nd and 3rd loser. Dated a guy who lived in a halfway house (oh, he needed me SO MUCH - I loved it). He relapsed and went to prison. I was alone and terrified (where did my earlier strength go?) I started drinking again, and hooked up with my now current one (he is 20, alcoholic, lots of other issues). It's like once we dip our toe in the water we're done.

I don't know that I will EVER have a normal relationship with a man. I'm simply not sexually attracted to anything but needy, distant men. And, if I feel sorry for them - look out.

August 20, 2005
11:21 am
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kathygy
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gracie,

It sounds like you are on the right track in being picky after what you have been through with men. Now you can focus on learning to be happy when single.

I am single and happy. As long as I stay connected to myself I never feel lonely at all. I think this is because I have a loving relationship with myself and fill myself up with me and gratitude for every little thing in my life. Also, I give myself lots of attention. Having 3 cats also helps a lot. I love them very much and love taking care of them. I have a terrific best friend that is always there for me. I also meditate and pray. I feel like there is so much in my life to fill me up. I don't need a man to feel happy. I would like to have a healthy, committed relationship with a man and am not willing to settle for less.

You can learn to be happy and single by loving yourself and giving yourself lots of attention. The healthier you become the healthier man you will attract. It is well worth staying away from unhealthy relationships. There is plenty of hope for you to be in a healthy relationship. It happens all the time.

love,
kathy

August 20, 2005
10:46 pm
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exoticflower
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"I feel like there is so much in my life to fill me up. I don't need a man to feel happy. I would like to have a healthy, committed relationship with a man and am not willing to settle for less.

You can learn to be happy and single by loving yourself and giving yourself lots of attention. The healthier you become the healthier man you will attract. It is well worth staying away from unhealthy relationships. There is plenty of hope for you to be in a healthy relationship. It happens all the time. "

Here Here Kathy! This is something I think I need to hear today too...thank you!

August 20, 2005
10:52 pm
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Rasputin
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I agree with you Flower. Well-said by Kathy! Ditto!!!!

August 20, 2005
11:13 pm
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Wow. What a great and empowering thread.

Thanks to all of you.
-ella

August 20, 2005
11:35 pm
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Anonymous
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Hi Gracie,

This is actually the prefect site to ask that question. Many here are using the single life to study and prevent our codep relationship mistakes of the past.

Am I content and happy being single? Honestly Gracie, that depends on the day. I fluctuate between the extremes of feeling very empowered in my single life to very lonely. On the very lonely days, I remind myself, that single is not forever as Cinemac pointed out. And that now is the best time to make wonderful investments in myself that will continue to pay off long after Mr. Right has found me.

I'm happy to hear that you're picky and have strict standards. That speaks clearly about the ways that you value yourself. And since you do, so will he, when he comes.

Best wishes to you.

August 22, 2005
9:47 am
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artist 2
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I was really lonely being single. But, at times when I had friends out having fun, it was nice. It was also nice when I was making decisions for me and only me. So easy... then being lonely was a real drag. However, my tendency is to escape that into a relationship that might not be all that it should. I'm in one now where I'm always questioning things.

August 22, 2005
12:20 pm
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SexySadie
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Great thread...is anyone here afraid of becoming bitter and cold-hearted? I have to be honest...that the more I am reading, I almost feel my heart closing up around me. I thought that despite everything EX and I would always make it through everything together...and that we could handle all the ups and downs that life threw us because we had been through so much together.

But now I find myself single and not terrified but just not caring at all. I don't want anyone. I thought he would be the last person I was ever intimate with and we had a very fulfilling SR together. I can't even imagine sharing that or myself with anyone else.

I met someone over the weekend. A very nice man...job, head together...etc and he is obviously very interested in me. But I can't pull it together. I am so freaking skittish...My friends say go for it...having sex with someone else will help you forget the other person. But I can't...I could see myself actually becoming a cold-hearted B and using people. I don't know where it is coming from, I suppose years of being used by my Ex husband and now EX...I'm just feeling done and instead want to spend the last 3 yrs with my daughter before she goes off to college.

August 22, 2005
4:51 pm
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exoticflower
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I think while we are still vulnerable to unhealthy paterns, it is a safety mechanism to become a little cold, I know I would be all over an unhealthy man in two shakes if I let someone get too close to me...you know, it would be so easy to just hand my life to someone else when this path of self discovery gets rocky, and as much as I would love to trust that I can exercize healthy judgement and healthy relationship habbits, I have to admit, I'm just not there yet. Which I think is pretty healthy, being honest with myself and all...

August 23, 2005
2:32 pm
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artist 2
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SexySadie, I was ok with your post until... BAM! you went from just meeting this nice man, to having sex!!! No wonder you're feeling skittish. Is there no time for getting to know this man as a person? Who are these friends advising you sleep with him so soon? Do you really want to use him?

Geez... give it some time and enjoy being friends. If you don't want to get intimate, then don't. There is great value in friendship.

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