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Being Responsible- When do you tell a new love interest that you have herpes and is it a big deal?
January 23, 2005
7:51 pm
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princess44
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Hi: I just met a very nice man and he thinks I am great! I was married briefly for a few months and my now former husband gave me herpes and he did not give me the choice of protecting myself. I am now having to face the responsbility he left me with. I don't want to pass it to anyone. I have had maybe one occurence in a year. Don't know when to tell this person. I feel they should get to know me anyhow and I am not planning on jumping in the sack right now. I am just concerned he is very attacted to me and thinks I am pretty darn great. What do I do? If anyone out there has a suggestion I would really appreciate the feedback. Thanks.

January 23, 2005
7:55 pm
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shyshy
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I've never been in that situation, thank God but if your not planning on jumping in the sack just yet I probably wouldn't even mention it just yet. I think you should mention it however if things start to heat up only because I've read that just because you don't have an occurance it doesn't mean your not contagious. Kind of like being exposed to a cold and not having the cold yet but being contagious without even knowing it? I think, I only know from what I've read. Maybe by the time you tell him he will be so in love with you he won't care.

January 23, 2005
8:02 pm
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princess44
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ShyShy: Thank you. I realize the probability of being contagious is there. That is why I concerned. I do believe I am entitled to my privacy until absolutely necessary to tell him to be fair to him. I know there must be many couples that have faced this. I really was freaked out for about two years and wouldn't even contemplate a relationship because I felt I had like a leopracy disease. I realized the person that is with me will have to take me the way I am. Again, thanks.

January 23, 2005
9:14 pm
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SweetAmanda
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princess,

I understand how difficult it would be for you to find the right time to tell him. Yes, this is a big deal. Relationships are hard enough as it is.

Put yourself in his shoes, you wouldn't want to be left in the dark.

If you two are not physical right now, and you are still just getting to know one another, then you don't have to tell him.

It becomes his right to know about your herpes once you do decide to become physically/sexually involved with this man.

OR, even if you don't do any of that (physical/sexual involvement)... If your relationship gets to the deepness and closeness to where he would be hurt that you kept such information from him. I think it would be his right then too.

Yeah, drop a bomb on anyone and even totally wonderful people run away scared. You have to give him time to know you first. But don't make it a 'test'. Also, don't lie to him if that issue is ever brought up in conversation.

Bottom line: We are all human, and we all have issues that need to be dealt with.

It's upsetting that your ex did this to you. But I guess that's a sad truth, huh? No communication and people get hurt.

~Amanda~

January 23, 2005
9:40 pm
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sewunique
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Princess,

Have you had a blood test to confirm which herpes you have? Has the doctor confirmed this with a check up? Also, if you were tested for herpes, did you have a lab test done to check for HIV/aids as well? This would be wise if you have not. I do not expect an answer, as this is an extrememly private matter. Laws are out there to protect patient confidentiality, so I am not asking you for an answer, just to be informational. Perhaps you know this, perhaps not. But since you are asking this question about herpes, it makes me wonder, how much information you have been given? This type of herpes has reaccurances, especially under any form of stress. It is something you will have to deal with the rest of your life as there is no known cure right now, only active treatment for each outbreak episode.

Get as much information as you can. Protected sex is a must, especially right now with this diagnosis. During an active period, get the medication from your doctor immediately. An outbreak can cause other symptoms as well, depending upon your severity of it. It can cause flu like symptoms, achiness and sore muscles and other symptoms, or not.

When do you need to inform any sexual partner? Before any sexual intimacy. So they are informed, can make informed decisions abut desiring a sexual relationship, and understand the need for sexual protection.

That includes anything more than: mouth to mouth kissing. Also, with an active outbreak, it is advised you obstain from sexual intimacy. Of course, cuddling and kissing is fine.

Please get more information from your doctor or the nurse about this diagnosis, so you will be better informed and will be able to take better care of yourself with each occurrance. Even if you are one of the fortunate ones who have rare outbreaks, the virus remains in your system. Any blood test specifc for this will show that even if you have no further outbreaks in the future.

Again, about the HIV test, if you haven't been tested (and I again state I am not asking for an answer here), would be wise. Three of my girlfriends who got divorced ( I have few single women friends), all got tested for these things once they found out that their husbands had cheated on them and they had unprotected sex. This is the smart and responsible thing to do, when your partner has cheated (lied) on you. I did the same and I think it was very smart of me to do it.

so damn it, for him giving you this disease. But at least you are being responsible, taking care of yourself with this, and being concerned and responsible with an active sexual (future?) relationship.

My best to you,

Sew

January 23, 2005
9:45 pm
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princess44
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Hi Sew: Thanks for your response. I have been checked in full including HIV. Negative thank God on all. It is the Simplex virus. Like the one that gives you a cold sore on your mouth or face. I will handle this responsibly. Thanks again.

January 23, 2005
9:46 pm
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sewunique
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Wonderful information and posting, Amanda!

January 23, 2005
9:47 pm
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sewunique
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You're welcome, anytime. Be well and take care. You are in the right direction here!

January 24, 2005
2:21 pm
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allwaysconfused
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Hi everyone...I just read this post and I wanted to put in a couple of words. I have been faced with this problem as well. I contracted HPV (genital warts) from a man I had an affair with 4 years ago. I confronted this man about it and he also got medical attention for it. HPV is not preventable by condoms. I have tried to educate him about it but he thinks that since he no longer has the "bumps" he no longer has he virus. He sees no need in telling his other future partners about it. I however feel the need to tell anyone I would consider sex with about it before things get too serious. It actually helps me because if I do sleep with someone...they will think I am special enough to risk contracting something from me...and that makes it more special....which is how it should be.

January 24, 2005
3:32 pm
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angel1
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Wow..this is an eye opener..bringing back so many feelings on this subject..
I want to begin with this..
this disease affects everyone differently..I thought I had a yeast infection..so I didn't give it much thought at first..(I had been with my boyfriend for about 2 years before I contacted this disease from him)
When I didn't feel any better within the next two weeks..I called my doctor,at this point I was barley able to urinate..it hurt so bad..I knew it had to be something else I had never felt this way in my life.. when she told me what it was I just about fell over I couldn't believe it..I was (40 yrs old)I never expected to hear my doctor tell me this..I wasn't sleeping around..I was living with my boyfriend..I was pissed..no beyond pissed..When I got home and asked him about it..he said are you sure..I wanted to slap him..He said he never had any symtoms..I asked my doctor and he said everyone is different some people don't feel anything others have very painful symtoms..the first 3 yrs were terrible I was breaking out just about every month.. it was so painful..it would last for about 2 weeks each time..I stayed in this relationship for about another year then ended it..I met someone else and I felt it my duty to tell them up front about my sickness..I think because of all of what I had been through..phyically and mentally..I felt it my duty to tell him..then he could decided if he wanted it to go any further..I think it's important to tell another person if you plan on dating them for any period of time..if I was just going to see them for one date I wouldn't bother but if I like them and they like me and I would like it to go further in time..I will tell this person so they can either break it off if they want to before anyone gets to involved that way no one gets hurt..
This was a terrible time in my life..I'm grateful to have found some peace with it today..Being in recovery has helped...Angel1

January 24, 2005
3:53 pm
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artist 2
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Would you tell on the first date though? Or, when you begin kissing/getting intimate otherwise?
Third date?

January 24, 2005
4:42 pm
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angel1
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Again I would say something as soon as I knew things we more than just friends..if you can see it on the 1st date or anythime after that..a person likes to know they have a choice in the matter let them decide..if you feel you both want to be more than just friends..I think you should know if you want more than a friendship with someone..if not ask them if they would like this to be more than just friendship..they will respect you and you will respect yourself..I wish they would of given me the choice...Angel1

January 24, 2005
7:21 pm
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artist 2
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Thanks.... well I have some questions in my mind about this person before i would know if i would go beyond friendship. I'm attracted for certain, but still wouldn't go there until I know for sure. Then, if he seemed "datable" to me and I wanted to get to know him with the intention of possibly getting intimate, I would tell him about it.

January 27, 2005
6:07 am
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waterman
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I needed to read this post, I am on bolth sides of the coin. I was told by a partner she had herpes but it was during arousal ( like very excited ) Hormones on turbo. My decision was to cautiously proceed. An impossable task once the flood gates started to open. I to now have herpes. I also made another uneducated decision, and, ruined a part of anothers life. So I think I would have been better off if I was given a cool down period to consider what I was getting into and how to proceed with caution. If at all. I also know the person whoes life I changed deserved this time to think thing's through. When I talk to this person now I feel I harmed them for LIFE for selfih reason's. No better than a drunk driver who maimed someone.

January 27, 2005
7:40 am
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artist 2
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Thanks for your input waterman. It helps to know from another person.

January 27, 2005
9:52 am
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allwaysconfused
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It's your responsibility to tell someone you care about and have sexual relations with regardless of what type of STD you have or had. Some STDs may not have symptoms for long periods of time...but that does not mean you no longer have it...so I still think you should let your partner know you have an STD and when your last "breakout" was and let them make the decision if you are worth being with and risking contracting something. Finding out later that those "bumps" were more than just some some skin problem that you were told they have had all their life isn't a nice surprise. I was very embarrassed when my OBGYN told me I had genital warts!!! And then I had to have my cervix scraped because I was developing abnormal cells (pre-cancerous) inside my cervix from this virus. Just wished I would had known the truth first.

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