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Being "present" in a relationship...and being 'authentic'
June 2, 2006
9:12 pm
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To you what does it mean to be 'present' in a relationship, and being 'authentic'...any thoughts to discuss?

June 2, 2006
9:19 pm
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LotusTampa
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Hi omw.

To me, being present in a relationship means to simply live in the moment.

Be with whatever it is that the two of you are doing together and not thinking two-steps ahead; i.e., when are we going to get together again, what's going to happen, where is this going, what do I mean to the other person, etc.

I know I have sabotaged many relationships by being in the "future" which prevented me from enjoying the experience I was having in the moment.

Being authentic is just being who you are without the fear of worrying about whether or not the person will think badly of your (or whatever they may think).

Also, I believe being authentic means being true to who YOU are...and not what you think you should be to "rope in" another person.

People can tell the difference.

Lastly, I believe when we live our relationships in the "moment" we take a lot of pressure off ourselves and others...we allow ourselves and others to move freely.

Time will ALWAYS reveal whether or not we want to spend future moments with another person, or vice versa.

Thoughts?

Lotus

June 2, 2006
9:53 pm
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Hi Lotus,
What you say here sounds like the perfect answer to my question, thank you.

June 2, 2006
9:55 pm
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Wow Lotus......VERY well put. As always, you have a wonderful way with your words!!

Snow

June 2, 2006
10:38 pm
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LotusTampa
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Why, thank you both!

Now, if I could just walk the talk! HAHA!

=)

June 3, 2006
6:41 am
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snowlover
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Lotus,

LOL...I think we ALL struggle with that sometimes, probably has to do with our CODA ways. Were great at trying to "fix" or help everyone else, but when it comes to our own lives and relationships its a different story!!

Snow

June 3, 2006
8:24 am
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taj64
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Hi Lotus. That is great answer, I cannot come up with a thing different. Be nice to have that one day.

June 3, 2006
10:36 am
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taj...thanks!

snow...well, i've done it in the past (when I wasn't that interested in the guy!--HA!).

sometimes i think many of us co-deps suffer from veruca salt syndrome (the gal from willie wonka), with the "I want it and I want it NOW!" thinking.

when, in fact, all we ever need is happening right before us. it's happening in the moment we are in...we just have to remain focused on THEE moment, and not on stuff that hasn't even happened, won't happen, or never did happen. =)

i think i'm doing much better at catching myself when my mind starts tumbling toward the past, what i can do to change it, pineing, etc. i'll say to myself, "wait a minute, i've had those same thoughts a million times and nothing is different!". it's like our own recipe for self inflicted crazy-making.

have you ever noticed when you STOP mulling and obsessing, and just start doing your day to day, and deeply involved in whatever you're doing at the moment, things start happening?

it's the way of life. when we stop demanding that something happen to us or for us, it usually will happen...and, if it doesn't, we don't notice because we aren't thinking about it...so we just go with the flow.

for example, my ex-boyfriend from many, many years ago (he's married now) called me the other day to see how i was doing and see how my mom is doing. he was genuinely concerned about the welfare of my mom and my emotional spirits as well. i certainly haven't been sitting around thinking about how much i miss him and why hasn't he called me in a long time. instead, when i think about him, i think about the good times we had.

then, when he calls, it's complete joy and i have no anger because it "took him so long to call"...i am just happy he called.

i know it's a difficult example because he's no longer my boyfriend, or really a part of my life much, but i was trying to illustrate an example of how when we STOP waiting, yearning, missing, wishing...we let life flow.

šŸ™‚

Peace and Love,
Lotus

June 3, 2006
10:42 am
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Yes great answer Lotus.. thankss!

HOW do we start learning to live in the moment? I also sabotage relationships by not fully living in the moment. If we learn to live life in the moment as a general rule, the relationship stuff would work out too.

June 3, 2006
10:55 am
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Lotus.....EXCELLENT example.

Ive sort of been proving that point lately. I recently split up with my N EXBF, and moved to another town. I just realized the other day how well Im handling it. Its because Im NOT obsessing over him, or what "might have been". I have my moments where I think about him and miss him, but Ive been staying soooo busy reclaiming MY life, that I just dont have the TIME to think about him too much.

I think you have to make a definite effort to change your life, and your thinking. Start doing things, staying busy, and just get back out in the real world again. Its funny how when you develop your own interests and spend your time doing different things that your thoughts just sort of change themselves.

I think when you make those changes in yourself, other people can pick up on it, and see you as more confident, and even more interesting.

Snow

June 3, 2006
10:59 am
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Thank both of you for sharing your thoughts.

LT...much wisdom and heart in what you say, will have to keep this one!

hugs to all.

June 3, 2006
11:46 am
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Hey guest!

Living in the moment is no easy task! And, the reason is is because we have trained our minds NOT to live in the moment. It's a lifelong habit we've made in our thinking...

For example, culturally, haven't we always been taught to "plan your future", work hard to get this, that, the other (great job, great career, family, etc.).

Of course, those things are important, but it's not the end that counts, it's the process in between.

Often times, I think we chase after things...and we're so focused on GETTING what we WANT that we miss all the little stuff in between.

As stupid as it seems to do the dishes, vacuuming, driving to the grocery store, we dread these activities? Why? I think it's because we think those activities aren't bringing us what we want (which is usually a satisfying relationship, going out with friends, whatever...)...but it's in those times when I find that I CAN make the most out of that moment. It's just doing what I'm supposed to be doing in that moment, rather than laying on my couch and crying and wondering WHY WHY WHY...well, the dishes aren't getting done when I'm doing that and I'm making myself miserable. No one is going to come rescue me and take away all of that...it's still there while I'm creating more misery for myself.

Last night, for instance, I was so lonely. I was in that "I miss my ex mode"...which, I know I don't REALLY miss him because he wasn't very nice to me and was certainly not someone I would want as a life-long partner...so, I stopped myself and got busy. I finished cleaning my carpets, put together a fan...had CNN going in the background, and then I read a book until my eyes were glazed over and I fell asleep!

Yes, thought of him crept in, but I push them out because I know they are useless thoughts...they won't make the ghost of that relationship come to life, they won't bring him to me, they won't make him be the person I want him to be, so why bother thinking futile thoughts?

The only person I needed to be concerned about in that moment in time was myself and what I needed to get done to make my house look better and make my mind more peaceful.

Trust me, I'm no expert at living in the moment, but I work on it every minute...I force my consciousness to be present.

After awhile, I know that when I keep focusing this way, it will become a habit for me. Just like me obsessing over things became a habit. I didn't come out of the womb obsessing...it's a self-learned habit (and a destructive one, at that!).

Also, when I was with my ex, I was always questioning the state of the relationship. I would always be thinking months in advance...then I would ask questions, create situations to find answers and it did not put push him away (which, in hind-sight, it was good that I did that because he wasn't good for me...but I wanted him because I was being a spoiled brat and it's what I wanted...like I had to make it right, even though I knew it wasn't.). Madness, I tell ya.

If, however, I was living in the moment, and seeing more clearly, I would have taken things MUCH slower and let it unfold...then I would have been done with it long before it got to the point of complete lunacy.

Lotus

June 3, 2006
12:04 pm
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snow...

You are saying exactly what I'm saying, just in a different way.

All we ever need is right in front of us...otherwise, what would it be?

We CAN'T make something be that won't, so why resist it?

I read in a book by Charlotte Joko Beck (can't remember if it was her book Everyday Zen or Nothing Special, Living Zen), where she said, "Resistance creates suffering"...and she also said, "Depression is usually a result of not getting what we want."

I remember those words resonating deeply within me. And, it's so true.

Think about it, why are we usually in this "stuck" state? It's because we RESIST what IS. We resist what the Universe is telling us as truth.

Sometimes, I think we don't always know what's best for us because we are so clouded by fantasy (that culturally inflicted garbage that is nothing but garbage). We are taught that to be fulfilled we MUST have X, X or X.

Who says?! But, I also think when we THINK we MUST have a certain thing or another, we are lacking the self-knowledge of what we are as an individual...it's like we haven't found ourselves...so we seek it in externals--mostly through other people.

I also read somewhere that "attachment to things or people creates suffering". Look back on your experiences...have you felt tremendous suffering when you "lost" something or someone? I know I have!

But, we never really lose anything, because nothing belongs to us in the first place--we just think it does. But, again, it's that unhealthy attachment to things or people that we think will make us happy.

One other thing a psychiatrist told me years ago (when I was devastated over the loss of a "love")...he said, "Suzanne, you came into this world alone, and you are going to leave it alone." Guess what? He was right...and, I'm always going to be "alone"...meaning, I don't own anything or anyone...I simply receive the opportunity(ies) to spend time with people, some on more intimate levels than others)...some just for a minute, others for a life time. But, none of these people are guaranteed to stay in my life forever. I also would not want someone clinging to me for dear life as who's to say I want to remain in their life forever.

I could continue with..."I'm not saying to NOT form deep connections with people...human connection is the very core of why we exist (in my opinion)...but, it's the clinging, the craving, the desperation that gets us into trouble"...

And, I'm also not saying to just be in la-la land and let people walk all over us...because we must have boundaries to remain healthy.

Lastly, it goes back to living in the moment...accepting what is as is...and this is freedom.

Peace and Love,
Lotus

June 3, 2006
1:15 pm
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Lotus,
And it is such a shock when we wake up to this isn't it? I have had such tight control on my world, or at least i thought i did at the time. It is almost like being in a cave in darkness, and some light begins to filter in and I look around and there is writing on the wall, and pictures, and colors...but am not quite sure what it says yet!

I have been where you are as well...and just wrote a friend an email telling him that I feel pulled in so many different directions,,,but it is because as you have stated above, I am not living in the moment...my thoughts are on what I HAVE to do today, and some of those things I dread.

Wonder how one actively chooses to live in the present, enjoying each moment?

Again thanks for your insight...I have also been where you are in regard to missing what I had, and I agree with you it does not change anything, but learning and moving on does.

Best,
omw

June 3, 2006
1:24 pm
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Lotus,

you are a few steps ahead of me, but I have had the same type of progress you have had....and your words sound so much like the ones that could come out of my mouth....you speak wisely! I am glad I read this thread.

June 3, 2006
2:09 pm
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omw,

You stated:

"Wonder how one actively chooses to live in the present, enjoying each moment?"

Why are you wondering about this? You are doing it! Simply, you choose to live this way. It's by making a CONSCIENCE decision and say to yourself, "I am living in the moment. I am focusing on typing on aac, I am focusing on washing my hair, I am focusing on making my grocery list, I am focusing on the conversation I'm having on the phone, I am focusing on dancing, I am focusing on drinking my cup of coffee, I am focusing on my muscles as I work out, I am focusing on paying my phone bill, I am focusing on petting my dog/cat/other animal, I am focusing on brushing my teeth, I am getting in my car and focusing on buckling my seat belt, I am focusing on planning my trip to the mountains/beach, I am focusing on whatever it is you are doing in that moment! (Did I give enough examples? HAHA!)

What living in the moment is NOT is "Why am I alone? Why isn't he/she calling? What is wrong with me? Why am I so f'd up? How can I get him/her back? Why am I so fat, ugly, have no friends? Why is life so shitty? When will I be in a relationship? Why doesn't he/she 'want' me? Why, why, why, why, why..."!

It's all just made-up stories in our heads that do nothing to bring peace and harmony within ourselves.

Also, all of the "I am not living in the moment, but somewhere that doesn't exist", does nothing but cause pain and emptiness. Wow, that's fun! šŸ˜›

So, living in the moment is a CHOICE, and nothing else. Sometimes, even that moment might be a feeling of sadness, and, if it is, let it be just that. Say, "OK, I'm feeling sad, and it's OK...".

Lotus

June 3, 2006
2:27 pm
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LOTUS!

Perfect timing!

I am printing this and saving it - see, it's the zeitgeist, we all need to realize this s**t and start living our lives!!!

Easier said than done? Of course - everything is. But it CAN be done!!! I am SO believin' it.

Thank you so much!!!!

June 3, 2006
5:10 pm
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lotus thanks for that it really fits in with things that keep coming up for me either in a book or something ...............and also about worrying about the future as whilst we are doing that we are missing the here and now as
now is all have everything that has happend or will happen is just a thought GT

June 3, 2006
11:26 pm
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Lotus, great message to follow here, I actually tried this this afternoon while drivng to the store:

I am focusing on the trees
I am focusing on the car in front of me, I am focusing on my car....then this hunk ran by jogging, and it was all over!!! lol!

However I recovered quickly!! I am joking but this really did happen.

So part of the problem is living in one's head..never really living.

Thanks for participating in this thread. I really need to focus on the now. I generally am way ahead of myself, & it cause unnecessary anxiety.

June 4, 2006
1:46 am
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on my way....

Lol..i think its okay to check out the jogging hunk. Why..thats part of nature and your surroundings too!!! Thats changing your behavior, and your way of thinking..right??

Now, if you stop the jogger, offer to wipe the sweat from his brow, tie his shoelaces correctly, and claim your undying love for him, then well..id say youre a LITTLE too CODA too soon...lol.

Hugs....Snow

June 4, 2006
1:48 am
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Lotus..

As always, your words truly insipre me. You say all the things that I feel, that i cant find a way to express. Your brain must be MUCH less jumbled than mine....lol.

You help me remember to "walk the walk" and not just "talk the talk", and for that i thank you!!

HUgs....Snow

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