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Being Alone
December 27, 2003
1:59 pm
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Zinnie
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HI Blondee,

Will post more later, but thought I would put your mind at ease... the little red LOUD dog is my dog. He is real, very much so. He is a little guy - only about 10 lbs. or so, but he is a riot.

He does everything full tilt! He is a mutt of some type... he was found wandering around town by a nice lady who volunteered with Boston Terrier Rescue - we foster animals for Rescue groups, and we ended up with him. But, he has SOOOOOOOO much fun with us, here he has stayed. He has too many teeth and they are too big for his mouth, so he kind of has this big "toothy" grin on his face all the time. He climbs like a cat, and is louder than my neighbor's three German Shepherds. If I'm on the computer, he sits on the desk, if he is going some where with me in the car, he rides on my shoulders. So, there you have it... the little red LOUD dog.

Talk to you later... will write more then.

Love,

Z.

December 27, 2003
2:14 pm
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HARRYO
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The other guy kept your friendship
for his selfish reasons. See, he
is not in pain because you are unavailble to him its the other way
around. Its not HIM that is tortured
and wounded ITS YOU. That's why
you have to detach from him. Have
yu read Melody Beatties's book
"Codependent No More"?
As far as finding yourself. See
it as finding your way. Never
lose yourself. In the words of
Paul MacCartney "there will be
an answer, let it be"

December 27, 2003
2:29 pm
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blondee
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HarryO...you are 100%correct. Why should he give up my friendship when i am a giver and he's a taker. Can i tell him to f*** off? I told him when i say those words to him it means i am over him and have fought my demons. I read Melody Beatty Codependent no more..and i didn't get much out of it. I'm not involved with alcoholics or drug users and alot of it didn't fit me...although i do take the responsibility of taking care of people..in that i am codependent.

December 27, 2003
3:52 pm
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Zinnie
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O.K. - back, and close to a thousand dollars poorer. Cancer meds are expensive, and I feel for those that cannot afford them. It makes the work that so many high profile people are doing to raise awareness and money to help those who cannot afford these life saving drugs. O.K. - now that I'm off my soap box, took my pills, drinking a glass of juice, and the LOUD dog is actually asleep, I can now sit down to post.

O.K. - Blondee,

Hum, myriad's of troubles here, and no easy solution. First and foremost, glad to hear that you have four children, and I hope that they have brought you the happiness and joy mine have.

Marriage - is a many faceted thing, and the relationship between two people is not an easy one, but always changing. Think of it as a glass pyramid shaped prism. When you move it into a different light, the rays shine through in different directions at different times; and sometimes, when you have some one like my husband who has what is termed "muted color blindness" - the two people looking at the prism at the same time and same angle - see it differently.

For the time when you had your child out of wedlock, what your parents did was the "acceptable" thing to do. Did it make it right? No, but so many things in this life are just not fair, are they? But, I will say this, and look at this from my perspective. I come from a family of - oh my I hate to use this term, but they are for lack of a better word "breeders." Literally. Have kids, and more kids and more kids. But, they take no responsibility for this. Case in point - one of my 2nd cousins, now aged 22 has four illegitimate children, all by different men and her Grandparents are raising the kids. They feel "bad" for her, so they are raising her kids, meanwhile she is now pregnant with number five. So, although I don't necessarily agree with the ridgity that your parents excised over you, I can certainly understand and appreciate their doing so.

Marrying an older man is hard. I know, I have done so twice. People will speak badly of you "only in it for the money" things like that. Well, trust me it is not always easy. Despite what people say, age does make a difference. My first husband I loved with all my heart, but he was 20 years older than me. He took me out of a really bad situation, and I really did love him. But, there were times when we really could not discuss some things, based on the age difference. However, he was a professional musician and artist. Because of this he had a freeness of spirit to him that helped me to soar. So, although we were married, there was this other part of me that in our circle of association I could go through almost a "wild child" phase and get away with it.

My husband that I'm married to now is 10 years older than I am. He is super conservative, and some times things that just really bother him, seeing so many young people tatto'ed and piereced, etc., to me does not make a difference. It is who they are inside, not what they look like outside. He is finally starting to see past some of that. He often tells me that my humor makes him see things differently. Like I told him, I think in 20 to 30 years we are going to have two or three generations of folks that thought that really cool little floral tatoo around their tight belly button looked really cute, and after having three or four kids realize that it looks like a kudzu vine growth gone wild in the South on their belly. After I told him that, he laughed so hard he said his sides hurt, but it helped him see the what's and why's a little differently - and a little humoruously. O.K. - I know I see things a little odd sometimes, but even my own parents refer to me as "their quirky kid." That's me!

Your husband not wanting to talk. I can fully sympathize with this, and yes, part of it might just in fact be his age. My Dad, close to 70, and my Father-in-Law, close to 80 are of that generation that do not discuss what they feel. You ask them, and they look at you and say "think it'll rain today?"

My husband (he will be 50 next Sept.)when he and I married was like that. Sometimes getting him to express himself was like pulling teeth. We finally went to marriage counseling after our first year of marriage because there was just such a lack of communication. Now, it's great!

But, I will tell you right now, that there were things that both he AND I had to change. It was not only him, it was me too. For the last 12 years, life with him has been awesome, I would not trade one single solitary minute. I say that in all honesty, and that has been in sickness and health, for richer or poorer, etc. This last year alone I think if I had not had him to lean on, I might have said to hell with it all and taken a running jump off of a bridge some where. Commication is important in a marriage, I will never deny that. So, I think if I were you I would sit down and write out the pros and cons of staying married to him. Don't be afraid, write everything down. Even if it's as mundane as "will use less toilet paper." List this down as the life changing decision it will be. Also, think about what your kids have said. Could it be that he will not communicate because he is afraid he will be beaten down?

I agree with the counselor about putting the other guy on the shelf. HarryO makes a good point - he is not unavailable to you as much as you are to him. Also, what he chooses to do with his life and with whom are his choices. Don't get into the drama of saying "why would he be with her when I'm here?"

I mean, sure you are great! But... that is his choice, and face it, you are really not free to give him that option. He is playing a game with you, and that is the last thing you need right now. Bad boy image? Ah hell, they are just big over grown kids who need more help than they are generally worth.

As far as how to treat him when you return to work? As I said, you are in a business, just be business like with him. Do not bring up personal issues with him, or send him e-mails ESPECIALLY at work. Think of this, if you are doing this on an employer's server, what happens if management decides to take a gander at your or his e-mails. Last thing I would want happening to me. Just let it go. Realize he is unavailable, as are you and move it along.

Continue to work on yourself before you decide what it is you really want. As far as counseling goes, check into the United Way and Family Guidance. They can often hook you up with a counselor on a sliding scale according to your income and expenses. Of course, there are also so many here that will also give you their life experiences.

I hope you have found this helpful. Here to talk if you need to.

Love,

Zinnie

December 27, 2003
11:00 pm
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blondee
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Hi Zinnie,
First of all let me say that i know the freeness of spirit that you were speaking of about your first husband. My oldest son will have his doctorate in music in May. He is also a professional opera singer.
I am shocked that it cost you that much money for your medication. That's outrageous..a normal middle class family couldn't even afford that. How are you feeling? Are you very sick after treatments? I will keep you in my prayers.
You made me laugh with your description of the belly ring..my daughter has one and i was pretty against it but it's cute on her skinny little body but wait till she has kids..i'll be thinking of what you said.
You and everyone else on these threads have agreed that i turn and run from this other guy and i am just about there. I feel like he used me but in a sense i used him too but as of now that's the past. My husband worships the ground i walk on and for the most part has always been there when i needed him. This man has never even told me to shut up. You are also right about not only him but me too. We do not know how to speak to each other. He is only 7 years older then i am but he said i got better and he got old. He said i look better now then the day i married him....so what the hell is wrong with me? Am i just bored? He's very content to just go to work and come home and watch TV and maybe go to auctions or flea markets or the mall. I'm not ready to do just that to me doing just that is acting like a senior citizen.
Zinnie can you remember anything what your counselor said to you years ago about communicating? I am going to do as you suggested and make a list of pros and cons...no matter how silly. The pros will probably win. Then i am going to try to figure out all the stuff i need to fix within myself. I feel so much better and less bitter since i found this site. You and HarryO give me so much hope. Maybe i need to quit blaming my husband and start looking at myself.

December 27, 2003
11:07 pm
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blondee
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Hi Zinnie,
First of all let me say that i know the freeness of spirit that you were speaking of about your first husband. My oldest son will have his doctorate in music in May. He is also a professional opera singer.

I am shocked that it cost you that much money for your medication. That's outrageous..a normal middle class family couldn't even afford that. How are you feeling? Are you very sick after treatments? I will keep you in my prayers.

Thanks for telling me about your little dog haha i have a yorkie and he's little also..he weighs about 9 lbs.
You made me laugh with your description of the belly ring..my daughter has one and i was pretty against it but it's cute on her skinny little body but wait till she has kids..i'll be thinking of what you said.
You and everyone else on these threads have agreed that i turn and run from this other guy and i am just about there. I feel like he used me but in a sense i used him too but as of now that's the past. My husband worships the ground i walk on and for the most part has always been there when i needed him. This man has never even told me to shut up. You are also right about not only him but me too. We do not know how to speak to each other. He is only 7 years older then i am but he said i got better and he got old. He said i look better now then the day i married him....so what the hell is wrong with me? Am i just bored? He's very content to just go to work and come home and watch TV and maybe go to auctions or flea markets or the mall. I'm not ready to do just that to me doing just that is acting like a senior citizen.
Zinnie can you remember anything your counselor said to you years ago about communicating? I am going to do as you suggested and make a list of pros and cons...no matter how silly. The pros will probably win. Then i am going to try to figure out all the stuff i need to fix within myself. I feel so much better and less bitter since i found this site. You and HarryO give me so much hope. Maybe i need to quit blaming my husband and start looking at myself. When i've read some of the past threads about you and the things you've been through i feel so foolish even complaining. But i'm not happy so i complain.
I will keep you posted on my progress and if in the meantime you can give me anymore pointers on communication i will be happy to listen and try to apply them.
Thank you from the bottom of my heart
~Blondee~

December 28, 2003
12:03 am
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Zinnie
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Hi Blondee,

Your son is a musician as well? Great! Yes, my husband was very talented and he has passed that talent on to his kids.

Don't feel foolish for complaining. You are going through some major life changes. I'm the one that feels like I have done nothing but whine for a few months now. I had a hard two years, and part of the problem was I let some issues with a family member drag out far beyond what I should have. But, that's another story for another time.

One thing my counselor told us about communicating, is that each person does so differently. An excercise that she gave us to do was for 30 - 45 minutes per day right as we got home from work - was to put on our comfy clothes, sit down on the couch or bed, turn off the TV, the phone whatever and talk. She said talk about what happened in our day. When my husband told me something that had happened in his day to really listen, and ask him questions. Why? How come? What happened? It worked wonders. Pretty soon, we were making time to discuss everything. She also suggested that once a week, we write on a pad something that we really wanted to discuss with each other. Go to a quiet place, away from home - she said even if it was only a McDonald's, and we just bought a soda - but to sit down and discuss the topic we had written down. Spend one hour on his topic, and one on mine. Again, at first this was difficult, but it worked.

Now the first thing I will also tell you, is just because something worked for me, it might not for you. You have to find what works for you. Honestly, if you have a husband that worships you, be grateful. Too many of them are out there running around, and the abuse on this site that so many of our friends here have suffered is awful. Not saying "stay in a miserable marriage" - just saying look at the big picture.

Also, think about this. If you do go out and start doing things, how is your husband going to be with that? You might find it will incite him into doing more, or in the very least you will be out doing things, and he may appreciate that. Because it sounds like right now he is afraid of you leaving, but does not know how to voice it to you. Also, if you are out doing new things - it will give you something to talk about with him in the very least.

Personally, I think that is something else that helps me and my husband. We do quite a bit together, but we also have seperate interests. So for me to pack up for a day and spend it with a friend, he is fine with and vice versa. I think over time we have learned to adjust some. He LOVES cheesey movies. I kid you not... "Night of the Living Dead" things like that. Scary part, this is a man with a law degree, and two Masters... and he likes campy cheese flicks. So, do I want to watch these? No. I go upstairs and read. Or he might watch these movies in the bedroom, and I'm down here on-line, or watching something I want to do, whatever.

Thanks for your concern over my health. I started out with uterine cancer, and sadly it spread into the blood. I'm feeling O.K. for now. They have increased my anti-cancer and anti-tumor medications. I also take chemo twice a week now for the next six weeks (minimum). How does anyone afford this? I don't know. Again, I'm blessed with a husband who makes a good living, and when my first husband passed away, he ensured I would be financially stable. Otherwise, truthfully I don't know what I would do.

Anyway, I hope this has helped you in some way.

Here if you need to talk.

Zinnie

p.s. - Glad you enjoyed the description of the little red LOUD dog - he is a mess, but I love him!

December 28, 2003
11:13 am
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blondee
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Hi Zinnie,

I think that you are my angel. What do you think about this...yesterday you recommended that i make a list of all the pros and cons of being married to my husband...what if i ask him to do the same about me? I think it would be somewhere to start. Your sugesstions about trying to communicate may work with us also. I am willing to give it a try. Before i found this site i just wanted to get the hell away from him but now i'm thinking that that may not be the answer. We both have ways that have to be changed. I am stubborn and sometimes i tend to think that only my way is the right way. How about that I am admitting that i am also at fault..talk about progress 🙂

I know my husband does not want me to leave and maybe by going out and doing somethings on my own will intice him to want to get out more..but i doubt that..we'll see.

Are you feeling okay today? My heart goes out to you. You are a very strong woman. You seem like you have a lot of love in your life. Was your cancer not detected early enough that it spread? What is the prognosis?

Talk about crazy dogs..our yorkie is use to going outside 3 times a day but since my son is home from college and not allowed to smoke in the house he goes outside with the dog everytime he needs a cigarette. Haha so last night at four in the morning the dog ran up the steps hopped on his bed and was moaning in his face to go out..haha i told him he should quit smoking and then our pup could get back to his normal 3 times a day.

Take care
Love,
Blondee

December 28, 2003
10:58 pm
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Zinnie
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Hi Blondee,

I'm glad you are trying the list thing. It really will help you sort some things out. Also, trying to communicate to your husband your needs and what he wants from you. All's I know is it really opened things up for my husband and myself.

Keep me posted.

Love,

Zinnie

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