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Being Alone
December 25, 2003
3:04 pm
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blondee
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Maybe someone can give me some input about being alone. I realized the reason i'm afraid to end my marriage is that i'm afraid of being alone. So if i stay married, even though i'm miserable, at least i won't be alone. Is this unhealthy thinking or what?

Blondee

December 25, 2003
4:18 pm
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HARRYO
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Blondee,You are not alone. You
were with your children today
weren't you? My God what a
precious present to spend Christmas
Day with your children. I'm glad
that i found you to talk to. You
have been a source of happiness
to me because I feel needed. To
know that spiritually you can be of
some help to someone is just
so uplifting. I'm sure that you
have touched many peoples live
and you will always be a part of them.
You seem like you feel stuck in
a place right now and youa re in a hurry to move on. Maybe the place
you are at right now isn't a happy
place, but a safe place, and
believe me that is more often
tahn not a good place.
Right now I don't think that you
are ready for the chaos of an
uncertain relationship. Do
you. Spiritual reflection
and appreciation should comfort
your pain,

December 26, 2003
5:24 am
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Anonymous
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Yes, most people choose safety (or the illusion thereof) over the pursuit of genuine happiness. There are all sorts of ways to adjust to a less-than-perfect situation, including counting your blessings and praying.

I am the kind of person who has always chosen the pursuit of genuine living over safety. Why? In order to feel alive, I need to feel that life is worth living. And for me, it's only worth living when I have not given up on finding happiness. Besides, I am not able to feign contentment with a 'safe' situation where I'm not happy, and my negative vibes reach those around me and spoil the fun for them too.

I'm much lonelier since I left my ex husband. I don't have all his friends and family to go places with and to phone. There's no interaction with another human in the house. I wouldn't go back for anything, though. I prefer my loneliness to being in a place I don't want to be. But that's just me, it's a very personal thing. Many people have avoiding loneliness as the first priority, well above creative living, authentic living, being themselves, etc.

I don't know your situation or nature, so I can't relate more specifically. Ultimately, every choice we make has a price, always. It's all a question of deciding which price we're willing to pay and which one we aren't.

Loneliness is not a permanent by-product of divorce. If you make a point to rebuild your life, you find new relationships or strengthen existing ones after some time.

December 26, 2003
8:28 am
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Anam Cara
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Mafi

You describe the options so well in fact you give me so much hope for the future plans for my life.

Loneliness is as you say as temporary as you intend to make it - yes it can be destructive and one often chooses second best - without stacking up all the possibilities - perhaps it's all about staying put within ones comfort zones - but at what a cost!

I relies that I have just said all again what you have exposed above -but I just wanted to underpin your opinion. I am out on a limb at the moment and comments like yours are very helpful!

Anam.

December 26, 2003
2:46 pm
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Anonymous
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Thanks, Anam. Glad it helps !

I don't criticize those who choose safety over creative search for happiness. All choices are equally valuable. But, as my writing workshop leader says: it doesn't matter what you do as long as you're acting out of choice and not out of unconscious forces that control you (such as fear).

December 26, 2003
3:17 pm
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Zinnie
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Personally, I think I would rather be alone and happy - than with someone with whom I was miserable.

December 26, 2003
3:44 pm
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slr
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I know just how you feel..I HATE being alone! I was always the "popular" girl in school and always had a boyfriend and went from one relationship straight into another one. So, now here I am a 36 year old woman with three wonderful, beautiful kids and YET I STILL feel that I must have a romantic relationship of some kind. Everyone says, had you rather not be alone than to be with someone who treats you like him (my husband of 4 yrs, whom I left about 10 weeks ago)...my answer is yes, I guess (but in my heart I think...I DON'T know!) What could be worse than being alone? I went to TOYS R US to shop for our babies 2nd bday and left almost in tears while noticing all the "happy couples in there shopping for their children!" I keep telling me husband, I just want a "NORMAL, HEALTHY, HAPPY relationship..that is all I am asking for, and if he could give me that and guarantee it..I'd go back in a heartbeat..but he has not proven a thing to me yet..even though yesterday and today were good. I've seen him be good for up to 2 weeks MAX..and you know what..regardless of how lonely I get..it's going to take a long time of PROVING to me he has changed or I will NEVER go back..I finally made my mind up..but for my family and friends, that is not enough..because of the physical accounts, they do not want me to keep any hopes for him..I've not been able to accomplish that part yet..hang in there!

December 26, 2003
4:56 pm
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blondee
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It seems like the majority here seem to think that being alone is much better then being in any relationship where you feel trapped..i will give it much thought.
thank you everyone

December 26, 2003
5:04 pm
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blondee
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HARRYO thanks for everything you said. I feel like god gave me a gift in you...someone to listen..okay how about this one..remember i told you a fell in love with someone at work? Well he just sent me an email saying he's back with his girlfriend for the last month and a half. I brought him supper everyday last week...to work..we work different shifts and i feel like such an ass now. It took him that long to tell me. And if i say why did u let me bring you food and all that he'll say i never asked you too. I feel sooo used and the best part is that the g/f is 8 years younger then him with a husband that is on coke and they have a kid about 4...she looks like someone hit her with an ugly stick as she use to be on drugs too. He pitys her..so here i am a fairly good looking blond in great shape with good morals slightly older then him and he doesn't want me. I can't even describe how i feel right now besides kind of numb. Starting Jan 4th i'll have to see him everyday..how do i face that knowing i want to be with him? I know i don't have the power to control him or his feelings...but i have the power to control mine but how? Help me Harry

December 26, 2003
5:14 pm
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HARRYO
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Blondee,The best thing that you can do while you are alone is take care
of yourself. That means detaching from the blame and the anger of
what should have been. It is important that you heal before you
move on to something that is not
right for you.

December 26, 2003
5:24 pm
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blondee
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Harry do u mean detach myself from the blame and anger about my marriage? I guess i really need to think about what i want. The other guy was just different from my husband and that made me love him but i'm not sure if it was love or infatuation. Infatuation doesn't hurt like love does. He hurt me bigtime today. I just emailed him asking him why he waited so long to tell me he was back with his g/f...he knew how i felt so why did he continue to let me think that maybe there was a chance for us. Maybe he didn't want to hurt me. Who knows but i am hurting and i don't know how i am going to face him.

December 26, 2003
5:31 pm
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blondee
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Harry he wants to be friends...how do u do that?

December 26, 2003
5:43 pm
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HARRYO
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Blondee, the love of my life wanted
to be my friend after she dumped me for a married guy. I tried to hang
on for about 6 weeks. It was just
too painfull. I don't think you can be friends with someone that is unavailable to you and you have
romantic feelings for. Very
hurtful and torturous. After I
lose those feeling for her many I
will reach out to her for her friendship, but probably not. Maybe
he didn't want to hurt you and he thought that he was sending out
different signals to you that you
chose to ignore. Easy to do. It
happened to me. Don't choose
to be in pain because he is unavailble to you. Find your
happiness from your deep inner self.
Look to God for a sign like
when your twins were born.

December 26, 2003
6:37 pm
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blondee
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harry that's what my best friend said...she said it's not possible to be friends when u want more. I tried and it's hard. You are right he didn't want to hurt me. He has told me to look for someone else and don't base them on him. Hummmnn seems like the love of your life did the same to you. All i know is the last time he was with this girl who by the way was the same one that caused him to be in that motorcycle accident..i was there to help him pick up the pieces...not this time. I believe she's using him and that he's some type of a father figure...anyway i just emailed him again and bit**ed him out for not telling me sooner and letting me make a fool of myself. I still don't feel better. He told me last week that being friends isn't so bad..ha..yeah for him maybe. Now i have to go bowling with my husband and kids becuz my daughter said everytime she asks me to do something i say no...i haven't talked to my husband in like 4 days and now i have to bowl with him..hahaha haven't bowled in 25 years. should be interesting. I listen to every word you say so keep the advice coming my new friend!!

December 26, 2003
8:39 pm
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lostandwondering
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I am new on here. I am 24 years old and have many questions for someone to give their input on. I am in a very unhappy relationship right now and have been for almost three years. I know that I stay because of my daughter at leased that is what I try to tell myself but inside I know that it is because I am scared of being alone. I am not sure how to handle things by myself - I am not sure of who I am when I am by myself. I have never been alone - I have been in relationships scense I was 14 years old... HELP

December 26, 2003
9:01 pm
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blaise
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slr

I can totally relate to your ToysRUS situation. I have been alone for about 2 months (after 6 years of being in a relationship). It seems that all I see is happy couples and families. It is so difficult to accept that my children will grown up without a two parent home. That dream is slowly disappearing.
Right now I am struggling with acceptance....realizing that I can't make someone who is emotionally unavailable available....that i can't make anyone love me. My ex will only engage in superficial conversation....will not talk about us or himself and his role in our breakup. I've finally realized that this conversation may never materialize. I would like some kind of closure but have come to accept that such a conversation may not come for awhile or that it may never come at all and that's okay....well at least for this minute anyway. That is how I'm living...minute by minute,hour by hour. Just trying to remember that this is part of the Master Plan and I need to trust in that.

December 27, 2003
12:12 am
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slr
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blaise;

I think closure has so much to do with my situation too...With no discussion and someone not admitting their guilt in the situation, it's hard to put closure to it. I told someone that a few months ago..That and being alone are the 2 hardest parts. My husband actually spent Christmas with us and then came and took us to a movie and out to eat tonight..then he took me home and said Goodnight...most women would be thankful that no "sexual" strings were attached..but my problem is that THAT was a big problems when we were married..he never wanted it..maybe once every 6-8 weeks..so even though I may not want him to touch me..i want him to WANT to touch me..make sense? I don't understand him..I thought every living man lived for sex!

December 27, 2003
12:36 am
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Zinnie
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Hi Blondee,

Just reading through the thread here, and read what you have written.

Sometimes, I think when we are in a relationship and are unhappy some thing, or some one always looks better. Perhaps this is what is happening between you and this man at work. Too many people get caught up in the trap of this.

What about your husband? Why are you unhappy with him? Is he aware that you are unhappy? I ask this for a reason. A few years ago, a friend of mine was having maritial problems. The biggest problem was these problems were in her mind in the fact that her husband had no clue that she felt the way she did. He was not a mind reader - and contrary to some claims... I don't believe any of us are!

Anyway, she and I have been friends for over 35 years, since we were little kids. So she and I were on-line one night IM'ing each other about her feelings for another man. Who, if he could only take that step and break away from his horrible marriage, then she would leave her husband, three kids and they could be together. We were on-line discussing this for over six hours. I kid you not.

I didn't hear from her for a few days and began to get worried. So, I took a deep breath and dialed the phone. Who answers? Her husband. I said "hi, how are you doing? Is T. there, this is Zin." "ZIN... GOOD LORDY WOMAN - HOWYA DOIN???????" He then went on to tell me that his wife was out shopping and he was hangin' out with the kids. So, I'm kind of hemming and hawing here... and he proceeds to tell me how he is sooooo happy he married her, and how much they love the new house, and even though she does not work (he makes an excellent living), if not for her and her money management, and savings and all they would never have been able to afford the house, and the kids are great and she is the best wife and mother in the world. This man had NO CLUE that she was unhappy.

So, I called her at home on Monday, when I knew he would be at work, and the kids are in school. She proceeds to tell me that the man she wants... is living partially on welfare, and how his house is so filthy, his wife does not do anything etc. I told her "you know what, it takes two to tango." She said "what do you mean by that?" I said look, why are they on welfare? He works, how are they doing that? Cannot be legal. So their house is a mess. He can't clean? What makes her think his wife is 100% to blame for all the problems? I told her about the conversation I had with her husband. She and I had words. I told her what I thought. I said "if you really feel that way, then leave. But, leave because it is the only thing left to do - not because you think there is some one better based on what this other man is telling you. He is only telling you what he wants you to know about his life. Be up front with your husband at least. You have been married to him for close to 20 years - you owe him that much."

She hung up on me.

About a month later I'm cooking breakfast for my husband on a Sunday morning. My husband answered the phone - "Zin, for you... it's T." O.K.? She hung up on me, has not answered any of my e-mails. Hum? So, I say "hello" - no reply for a second. I said "T? You O.K." She is crying. "You saved my marriage."

Um... o.k.... she proceeded to tell me that she got mad at me (well, I knew that!), and left the house and went over to this man's house to find that yes, it was a pig sty... but, he also had six kids, he was the one not working - his wife was working nights, etc. She went home and talked, really talked to her husband. They decided to go to marriage counseling. He had no idea she was unhappy. Through marriage counseling, she discovered some things about herself that she is working on now.

Now, I cannot take credit for saving her marriage. I only told her what I saw. I don't know your situation. But, before you decide to leave your marriage, especially for some one else - why are you wanting to leave? Does your husband know you are unhappy? Are you willing to leave and be on your own, or are you only wanting to leave if you have someone else to go to? What effect will this have on your children?

When you return to work, the best thing to do is be professional. You are at work, be business like and go about your business.

Z.

December 27, 2003
2:14 am
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silence
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being completely and utterly alone my whole life, I can tell you that it's not all that it's cracked up to be.

December 27, 2003
11:55 am
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slr
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Silence:
When you say your whole life, what do you mean exactly..no family? What about parents and siblings? Are you shy? What about religion? God says he will never forsake us nor leave us alone...You have friends here, so I hope that helps some, but I know it's not like a physical relationship with someone there to hug and hold you...

December 27, 2003
12:18 pm
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blondee
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Zinnie,
You are such a smart woman. I'm not sure what body part i'm thinking with but i am confused. I'll give you some more of my story and maybe you can help me. I am seeing a therapist but i've only been to her twice and my insurance only covers 3 visits. Her advice about the other guy is to put him on the shelf for now. I asked her what steps i take to get over him..no reply.
I'm married 25 years..i have 4 kids ages 31, twins 25 and an 18 year old daughter. My house has never really been a happy one but we have had some good times. I've been on antidepressants for almost 25 years. I'm 49 and my husband is 55. We married when i was 23 and he was 30. He was ready to get married. He had his fun. I was 18 when i had a son born out of wedlock. My parents sent me to live with my aunt and uncle because they wanted to get me away from the company i was keeping but more so because i was an embarrassment. Anyway to make a long story short my son and i lived with my parents for the 5 years till i got hitched. They were sooo strict with me that i was allowed to go nowhere without my son, except to work until i was 21..i didn't even go to the dentist alone..my son was with me. When i turned 21 i was allowed out 1 night a week. I met my husband when i was almost 22. I never got to have that freedom that 18 year olds have..i never went to hear a band or party and even get drunk...my husband did all that..i feel like i missed a whole part of my life. Anyway we married and i got pregnant on my honeymoon and he was not a happy camper..he put me through hell...emotionally..then after about 3 or so years we got things together. My problem for the last million years is my husband does communicate. He talks but never about what he feels or what he thinks but my kids said that's becuz i have him beat that everytime he would voice his opinion we had an argument...that may be partly true but we never talked about things...such as sex..he never said one sexual comment to me..ever...i never felt very desirable to him as a woman even tho i knew he loved me..for the last 3 years i am sleeping in my own room..he hasn't come to me not once...anyway to skip a lot of crap..i feel like he's too old for me..i am in excellent shape..he doesn't take care of his body..he's completely gray and acts old...he logs about 50 hours of tv a week. I feel like i'm half dead with him. There is alot of life left in me yet. When we were younger he never wanted to go out with just me..he said it didn't pull him to go without a kid. I have one great friend i work with..all the rest are men..he has no friends..he never tried to make friends at work only aquaintenances...so therefore we have no social life. The guy i work with..that i had an affair with..is 9 years younger then me..and has a spark of life in him..he makes me laugh and tells me when i piss him off and when i make him happy.. I left home in august to live alone and i was pretty content but a little lonely. My daughter is the reason i came home. There isn't much of a chance for me and this other guy. He has a badboy image which i loved but he is a softie inside...I am bored to death with my husband. So here's where i am now. I truly don't think i am in love with my husband anymore and i'm not sure if i want to live with him the rest of my life. He says i'm his whole life which i know i am but in truth i feel like his mother. I met a new friend..female..and i am going to start going out with her once in a while. I'm tired of spending every single weekend in the house. Maybe if i have a little time to have some fun the rest won't seem so bad. Can you give me any hints how to get over this other guy? He is back with his g/f...she's a loser..and he wants to be friends but i don't think that's possible. Do i ignore him or what? Also maybe this will help you to advice me. Over the course of the 25 years in fact within the last 3 my husband and i have been to counseling and i have told him what i need from him and he still doesn't know what to do so he does nothing..
Thanks for listening to me and for giving me your opinion. I've read some of the past threads and you are one amazing woman!!!!

December 27, 2003
12:21 pm
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blondee
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Zinnie, just curious..explain to me about the "lil red dog" i'm lost when you are talking about that.

December 27, 2003
1:41 pm
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HARRYO
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Blodee,
Hope you are having a better dsy.
If there is no pressure to stay
in the marriage. Have you talked to
a lawyer? You are entitled to half of the assets. Ssince you both work and the kids are raised it shouldn't
be too much of a hardship on him.
My ex wife didn't think twice about
serving me after two years of a
loveless marriage. Four years later
she has our house a husband with a
shore house and is still getting
support from me. I got to keep
a very lucrative pension, which I
can retire on in about 6 years. Until I met and was with what was
the love of my, life I can't say that I felt alone. I was working too
hard on doing the things necessary to
get to a better place. A guy
in my Coda meeting this AM was
talking about a relationship that
had recently ended for him. He
said being alone wasn't that bad and
he was trying to fill himself up
spiritually in order to move on.
I'm sorry that your early pregnancy
robbed you of your youth, but
as a raging partier and substance abuser I can't say tat you missed much. The only people that I still
keep in contact with from that era are AA types. Believe me I can
feel your pain in not being in love
for someone that is available to you
and being in love with someone that
isn't available to you. Try not
to see your situation as a nightmare.
I know a woman with ovarian cancer
with small children and she knows
taht she is going to die. Now that
is a nightmare. See each day
as a new oppurtunity to be happy.
Let go of your pain and heartache and
start to heal.

December 27, 2003
1:50 pm
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blondee
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Harry but how do i heal when i'm not even sure what i want? I'm pretty much here now for financial reasons...it's like i'm stuck in the middle of nowhere and don't know which way to turn. I understand about the party scence but it's still a part of my life that i never experienced and i am feeling like i missed something. In the near future i am going to find out if i did or not. Then i can put that behind me. Answer me this question...if the "other guy" is back with his g/f why did he continue to talk to me about his personal life, send me emails and all of that..why didn't he just tell me to f**K off?? I asked him that and he said he has no reason to

December 27, 2003
1:57 pm
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blondee
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Harryo, what does "finding yourself" actually mean?

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