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Being accused of cheating when I didn't cheat
October 6, 2006
12:26 am
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brutally honest
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A person's insecurities is most likely an action they have done once before repeatedly in the past and may be, present but, then again, it could be a scorned one from a previous relationship that has brought upon insecurities in him.

I for one, wouldn't give an insecure person who repeatedly accuses me of cheating, (when I know I haven't done so) the time of day. Why set yourself up for another recording from the "insecured" one?

There's a lot of fish in the sea. A guy like him? Is pointless to say the least. In order for him to prove anything to you? He has to prove it to himself first, before proving it to you, or anyone else for that matter.

October 6, 2006
12:39 am
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Worried_Dad
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To be accused of infeidelity when you have been faithful is a kind of abuse.

And it is a classic red flag.

Protect yourself.

October 6, 2006
9:03 am
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caraway
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brutal and worried,

Ouch! I am taking the dagger out right now... sadly, I don't really disagree. I am disappointed that I have to admit that I guilty as charged.

I just don't know how to turn it off? I have been in therapy, read books, meetings, etc. Short of some type of Lobotomy I am not sure anything can be done. I get this physical sick and desparate feeling and become obsessed with "cathching" him. I make him feel bad about the things that he has done in the past (before he met me), I turn every glance into a story that ends in him meeting that person later.

I can recognize the sickness but have not been able to cure it.

HELP!!

Cary

October 6, 2006
10:30 am
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Inca
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Wow. Cary, don't beat yourself up. First look at yourself and see what's driving you to be so insecure especially if your b/f hasn't given you any reason to give you doubts.
Brutal and Worried, I guess b/c earlier in the relationship I had lied or didn't mention my guy friends that I had mad him suspicious. He went through my phone bills to find out who I was talking too & that's how he found everything out. I was so weak that I felt guilty for talking to my friends behind his back. I guess I figured that if I told him that I had guy friends he would get jealous either way, it was a lose-lose situation. But I never EVER even kissed another man or held another mans hand since we were together. I know his trust thing is coming from his past and the way his parents were first of all. Also, it's also his way of slowing down the relationship b/c I think he's fearful of commitment. I know...I should run, but I do love him for all of his faults. I understand his fears. We all have scars. Maybe 1 day I'll wake up and have enough, but I'm still thinking he's confused and isn't sure he wants to let me go.

October 6, 2006
1:22 pm
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caraway
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Inca,

I agree with you. It sounds like this guy might be worth the effort and patience.

Let me know how it goes and if you find and solutions that work please pass those along to me. I can't recall, has he returned your call yet?

Cary

October 6, 2006
3:08 pm
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Inca
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Well,
I emailed him a pic of my son yesterday and gave him an update on his dr. visit, b/c my son was like his son. He sent me an email back and I sent him a quick reply. He then sent me an email later in the day telling me that he was really stressed at work but that he really appreciated and liked the pics. Today..as hard as it is, I decided to give him his space. Girl, don't think I don't sit here and think he's already hooking up w/ someone else. Like I said, you got to turn off the imagination. i just hope he doesn't call one day and say "Hey, I found someone else" Let me know how it goes for you too. Give your guy a chance ok?

October 9, 2006
11:59 am
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Inca
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I'm just venting today. I feel angry. Worried Dad..Maybe you are right. I don't know if he's ever going to change. One minute he's nice to me, the next he's tearing me down. He says "Unless you tell me the truth about what happened, I can't move on". I looked at him like "are you kidding me". It's been a year and I've told you the truth, nothing happend. I poured out my heart for the 100th time. Telling him that I love him more than anything. I am big enough to admit the things I did wrong but why can't he??? Why can't he see anything? If he called his X while we were dating and I don't accuse him of sleeping w/ her, why is he doing this to me? I want to lock myself away or go away w/out a cell phone or computer till this burning in my heart/head goes away. The last conversation went well. He's all stressed from work. He says he'll tell me about it sometime. I guess this is when I have to disconnect myself from him and just let it be. The worst pain is when I see all these women w/ their b/f's and husbands I torture myself by saying "they are together b/c they aren't cheating". He literally has me convinced now. He won.

October 10, 2006
6:56 pm
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newmoon
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Dear Inca - I know what it's like to obsess and torture myself over what someone else thinks of me. But if your x won't listen or see what is right before him, then you cannot change the WRONG notions he SAYS that he has about you (who knows but him and God what he truly believes?).

And his words ARE abusive once they become a repeated pattern and endless cycle which he keeps you frozen inside.

Like you, my remorse in one area sometimes bleeds outwardly, making me vulnerable to blind and unjust accusations.

He is wrong. You are right. But you may never hear him admit it - and I know how much you probably want to hear the truth from him. Unfortunately, we often don't get this satisfaction. And so we have to hold onto our own truth. Remind ourselves who we are; who we are striving to be; and let go of what anyone else says (even those we love/loved).

But if you stick around too long to listen to wrong accusations, you are in danger of starting to believe them! That is the power of abuse!

October 11, 2006
4:15 pm
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Inca
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Hi Moon,
I think I'm already there or dangerously close. I'm yearning to hear him say "Baby, I'm sorry for putting you through this". I know I wasn't perfect in the relationship and some things may have seemed wrong or questionable but I was reacting to his off the wall behaviors.
I've been trying so hard to keep busy and not call or contact him. Make him miss me, but I don't think that he is. My therapist is willing to speak with him again to see where his head is but when he speaks or sees her it's like he tells her what she wants to hear. Everyone tells me to walk away, but I'm such an idiot, I just want to stick it out. For what though? He's not even calling. He says for me to take a deep breath b/c we both have issues and we both need to find ourselves. OK fine, but does he have to leave me out here like this? I though he loved me? He sent me roses and a beautiful poem just before we broke up. There was no mention of broken trust then. I don't get it. I'm sorry I'm dumping this out, but I'm losing my mind.

October 11, 2006
4:29 pm
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newmoon
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Hi Inca!

Don't be sorry for sharing! We all need to vent - and this is such a painful process.

"OK fine, but does he have to leave me out here like this? I though he loved me?"

Oh, I know this feeling so well! Eck! Stranded in limbo. And I know that longing to hear a word or two from him admitting his accountability in the twists and turns of our relationship.

Some of my reactions haven't been my proudest moments, but it's tough when we feel as if we're being played or manipulated in some way.

I am really trying to take the high road now, but... just like you, I want him to feel the loss of me... I guess that's still my pride speaking! Not my common sense - 😉

Hang in there, sweetie, and be good to yourself! We both deserve so much better - hopefully we'll see this more clearly when the mist of these men rises out of our eyes...

xo

October 12, 2006
10:20 am
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Inca
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Hi Moon,

Yeah, that's true, my reactions have not been my proudest moments. You hit the nail on the head. It seems that if I had gotten a darn grip on my emotions (probably stemming from the years of the abuse)I would have handled my part in the relationship better. I was feeling guilty this morning b/c there were times he needed me when he needed to vent about work and I wasn't there. Of course I was going thru my own crisis w/ my diagnosis of an illness at the time, but I'm always able to take on 100 things at a time. Women are so good at multi-tasking. I told him that now that the dust has cleared, my head is in a much better place.
He invited me to lunch this week but I haven't heard from him yet. I'm letting it be. Not contacting him at all. I'm trying to be strong, not get whacked out and emotional, which comes from fear of him leaving me for good. Maybe, just maybe, if I show that I have changed and have control over myself, he'll then get more comfortable too and work on his issues. In the meantime, I'm working on that ever so important self esteem. I just want to be grounded enough that if he says "I've had enough for good" that I can walk away and say "Good luck".

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