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Being accused of cheating when I didn't cheat
September 27, 2006
12:41 pm
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Inca
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Hi everyone,
What do you do when someone accuses you of cheating and you didn't cheat on them? When they say they want the truth about stuff and you give them the truth and they still aren't satisfied w/ it? My X and I are still talking and I'm trying to work things out. We recently had a reconciliation and now all of the sudden he's freaking out again saying he says I cheated on him and how can he trust me. If anything, we had poor communication. How do you build trust. I want him to feel he can express his feelings. I'm trying very hard to let him vent and not get emotional but it hurts me listening to these accusations. I love him still and I feel like I'm not strong enough to say "hey buddy, I didn't cheat, the heck with you" and walk away. I want him to realize he's making a mistake. Has anyone gone through this? He unfortunately seen his father cheat on his mom and someone told me that maybe he cheated on me, so that's maybe why he's acting this out. I don't know. I just know it's very painful.

September 27, 2006
12:44 pm
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risingfromtheashes
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when you point the finger at someone, there are always four more pointing back at you - and if he did cheat, what he is doing is called projection....being angry at you for something he has done himself.

my dad cheated on my mom four days after their wedding - and yet, he doesn't trust HER!

Just keep telling him the truth - and believing it yourself - in the end, you don't have to prove anything - cuz there is nothing to prove, and you know it.

I can see how this would be painful...I wish I had other answers.

September 27, 2006
12:48 pm
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taj64
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It is not your job to make him believe you. He either trusts or not. It is his problem, not yours. He has to take your word for it. Don't spend time trying to convince. work on the communication between the two of you, that might help him with his insecurity. Otherwise if he doesnt eventually have trust, the two of you never will and then it would be up to you to decide to live with it. Trust does have to be earned but if you start out with no trust, then you do not have a good start and might be a time to rethink this. I guess time is the answer but don't wait for too much time.

September 27, 2006
1:09 pm
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atalose
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You say he is your X why is he an X, what brought that about in the first place?

I agree with taj, it's not your job to have to constantly convince him of something you didn't do.

He sounds like he has alot of insecurity issues and as much as you love him, they are his issues, don't let him turn them into yours.

Take things slow, think and re-think everything.

Atalose

~~Hope has a place, but not above reality~~

September 27, 2006
1:17 pm
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Inca
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After our brief reconciliation, he let me know of this 2 days ago, so what I did was send him an email saying that I listened to everything he said and respected his feelings. I thought this approach was mature and non-aggressive. At the beginning of this relationship, I didn't know if he was in or out, so I kept friendships w/ my guy friends and he kept frienships w/ some girls. He found out about the guys and went crazy...just b/c they are guys, doesn't mean I slept w/ them, especially during our relationship. One of the girls he was talking to was his X of 5 years! One day he didn't call me for 4 days. I was constantly crying. My babysitter's cousin..a guy, took me and my son to the movie's..I paid, to get my mind off of it and so that it would distract my son from seeing me cry. My X found out and well, he thinks I slept w/ him too. It's seems everyone I've ever been in contact with he just wants to accuse me now. I'm so sick to my stomach from this. The thought of him being w/ another woman makes me sick now. Why didn't this come up when we were together 2 weeks ago having dinner, laughing and playing dominos? Maybe he's using any ole excuse to get back w/ me b/c he's scared. It makes me angry!

September 27, 2006
1:22 pm
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Inca
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Atalose-
We broke up about 2 months ago b/c mentally and emotionally we were both stressed out. I was just diagnosed w/ an illness, which he was very supportive of, but he was stressed from work, I was confused b/c I felt that the relationship was going nowhere and well, one night we had a stupid fight and I broke down.
The time apart helped me clear my head and refocus on what was important. I realized that I do love him very much. I think the problem may be for me is that even though I know he does love me, it may not be enough for him to get over this insecurity and move on and get past this. That breaks my heart. I have a 3 year old son that is like his own child. He's helped me raise him since he was 7 months old.

September 27, 2006
1:26 pm
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taj64
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OK so it is ok for him to have lot of girls that are friends but not you. And then he pays you back by ignoring you for 4 days. He is possessive and accusive in your actions. I'd say if it did not work out the first time and it is not working out right now with a reconciation then chances are this is not going to work again. SOme guys do not change even after having given second chances. Is this what you want? Is this what you had in mind to be in a relationship where he is only concerned with his issues and not how you feel? Where is his compassion for you? You should be angry. Don't get back with him because you feel sorry for him.

September 27, 2006
1:28 pm
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caraway
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Inca,

I suffer from the same condition that your ex has.... I think that it is insecuity? I am just waiting for my partner to cheat on me. I look for signs and check-up on him, etc.

At my core, I really don't believe that this is the kind of man that he is but my insecurity makes me crazy. I find myself building some elaborate story from a piece of paper with a phone number, or a knowing glance from an aquaintence.

I know people are always quick to say that folks who are cheating are the ones to accuse, but not true in my case. The only thing that he can do, or I can do, is to get professional help.

Cary

September 27, 2006
1:32 pm
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taj64
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Sorry I did not see your last post before I posted mine. You said that you felt the relationship was going no where. That is pretty good instinct. It really is headed for trouble again. I see you love him and he loves you but that doesnt mean you should stay together. Loving is one thing, treating each other good or badly is another. You said you had an illness that he helped to support you yet he was stressed from work. Don't take this wrong but could he have put work aside for this time? Are you staying with him so that your son had a father figure since he is so young? It appears to me that he is not really capable of a full time relationship. Jealousy is not love. It wrecks it and has no place.

September 28, 2006
10:16 am
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lovetocrochet
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I'd run so fast from this guy I'd leave smoke trails. He's jealous, immature, insecure and looking for excuses to devalue you and treat you like dirt. Probably to make himself feel better about whatever indiscretions he's guilty of. Like rising said, projection.

Make today the day you are strong enough to tell him "I didn't cheat. To heck with you."

September 28, 2006
11:00 am
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Inca
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I'm hearing you all loud & clear. Caraway, I'm understand where you're coming from b/c I know when you distrust someone, it can come from insecurity, like everyone else says here. Yesterday while I was driving, something clicked in my brain. I know I never did anything. I had friends, just like him. I am not going to waste my life away to prove to him what I didn't do. Everyone said not to call him, but ya know what, screw it! I called him and let him have it. I told him how cold he was and how wrong he was. I felt SO GOOD! I didn't cry last night and feel sorry for myself. I feel sorry for him that he has so many demons in his head to prevent him from getting past this nonsense. Being alone sometimes stinks, yes, but I don't want to go back into a relationship where I have to worry about everything. He needs to get a grip and if he truly loved me, he would get some help. I'm done paying my therapist. He needs to go see her now. I've been abused my entire childhood. I'm an adult now. I don't have to take this anymore. God I hope this feeling lasts! I can't thank you guys enough for being my angels.

September 28, 2006
11:04 am
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confused_in_canada
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WTG INCA... was gonna pipe up and say some of the same things that others have, but it looks like you figured it out yourself. Good for you..

September 28, 2006
12:00 pm
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lovetocrochet
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Good for you Inca! Bravo!

September 28, 2006
1:09 pm
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caraway
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Inca, I am happy for you and your new outlook on life.

I totally agree with what you are doing and that is coming from someone is in his shoes. I just don't know that I will ever be able to stop these feelings. I have had years of therapy, tried several medications, and still have anxiety about my partners actions.

You should be happy and realizing that you can't fix him is a hugh step in that direction.

Cary

September 28, 2006
3:50 pm
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Inca
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I just hope this feeling of strength lasts.
Caraway, I think everyone at some point has experienced jealousy or insecurities in your relationship, but if the person is a good person that you are dating and willing to meet you half way to get you past these feelings, then give him a chance. That's all I'm asking of my X right now. I know I wasn't perfect. I could've done things better..like communicating with him. Instead I kept a lot hidden which lead to the mistrust. Go to http://www.coping.org. There's info on trust. I love my X very much and it hurts me that he's doing this but I HAVE to love myself and respect myself more and set the mark and be stronger than he. Hopefully he'll learn and make some changes in himself like I'm hopefully ready to do.

September 28, 2006
7:00 pm
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taj64
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Hi. Don't beat yourself up. Sometimes it takes going back a few times to be sure you are making the right decision. You gave it several shots and it still didn't work. That really is not a bady thing. I hope you feel better soon. Im sure you will need a little strength the following weeks ahead.

October 3, 2006
4:24 pm
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Inca
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Hi everyone,

Just wanted to give you the latest. On the Friday after I wrote that last mssg. he contacted me to have lunch w/ him. I thought this was for me to give back his things. I told him I'd meet up w/ him for lunch as long as he doesn't say or do anything to upset me. He agreed. We actually had a really nice lunch together and spent the entire rest of the day together. We both took the rest of the day off. Luckily we both had the option that day. He told me that he still loves me and was very affectionate with me as was I after a while. I knew that even if he wanted me back 100% that day, I wouldn't accept b/c I know we cannot get back unless he gets past this feeling of not trusting me. I left him to go pick up my son and we went our separate ways. He emailed me Monday to say Hi and I replied. I'm giving him and I the space I think we both need.
Here's the thing, I still love him, but I don't want to be accused anymore of these things. He I think won't get back w/ me unless he gets over it either and unless he's ready to commit 110% to me. Is it best not to contact him at all and let him chase me at this point? Man, that's so hard to do! I want to invite him here and there, over for dinner, to a comedy show..etc., but shouldn't he be doing all of this if he knows how I feel? HELP!!!

October 3, 2006
5:52 pm
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lovetocrochet
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Inca,

He has to SHOW that he is trustworthy. At this point I think it's too soon to open yourself up so much to him. These things take a lot of time.

I'm not sure exactly what should be done at this point. Most of the time when I dealt with guys who became really jealous and insecure, they couldn't get past that at all and it would manifest itself in a different way once they promised to quit this or that. It's like it just seeped out somewhere else.

Sorry I can't provide anything better than that, but thought I'd give my two cents for whatever it's worth.

October 3, 2006
6:28 pm
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nappy
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Is this your husband or ex husband or just a boyfriend. Because if this is just a ex or boyfriend you don't have to answer to him. And the reason that he is telling you that you are cheating because he has cheated on you or is doing it now. My sister is going through the same thing but only this is her husband REPEAT HUSBAND not boyfriend. He is telling her one thing but we all know that he is cheating. He can't figure out why she don't care because like she said, as long as he taking it out there and still paying the bills around the house. At least she has some place to stay and that is her house. She is not going anywhere. He would have to leave and then if he wants a divorce then he is the one who will have to get it started because she is not. She just wants to sign the paper is she have to. She also told him that the woman that he might be cheating with better have more money then she does so that she can help out with the bills around the house. See she is learning and now he is looking up side her head because he don't see her being sad and moping around because of him. Life is to short for all of that.

October 4, 2006
2:44 pm
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Inca
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Nappy, he was my boyfriend of almost 3 years. In fact, it will be 3 years on the 22nd this month. Oh God! I'm really confused b/c I asked him if he was seeing anyone and he says that he has no time to see anyone and that he doesn't need to be w/ anyone now, that he's taking classes to get to know himself better since that's what you should do after a break up.
Did I mention that he still takes calls and sees my therapist once and a while?
I think I'm depressed today. My friend just got married, it seems everyone is together and here I am single again. I can't or don't want to meet anyone else. I'm just here, probably in the best shape of my life and not able to enjoy it w/ anyone and my X is being thick headed. I wish someone would just talk to him but he doesn't talk to anyone about his personal life.

October 4, 2006
6:58 pm
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readyforachange
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lnca...I can so relate to where you are coming from. I was in an abusive marriage for 17 years, and the absolute worst thing my ex did to me was to accuse me of having an affair. I could give you a laundry list of things he did to me...both physical and verbal abuse; but the one that has been the hardest for me to deal with has been the accusation of cheating. He told my children that I cheated on him, and to this day, two years later...still insists that I cheated on him.

What I'm saying is, I know how much this hurts. It tears you apart, degrades you as a person, and tears down the trust in a relationship.

However...if my ex had at any point during our separation/divorce agreed to go to counseling, or made any attempts at working on rebuilding that trust...I think I would have said yes. I wanted our marriage to work, but I couldn't do that by myself.

I think the ball is in his court. He needs to prove to you that he trusts you, and is willing to put the effort into rebuilding your relationship. I would make him take those steps, but I also feel that you should be supportive and willing to work things out if he makes that first move. Make sense?

October 5, 2006
12:50 pm
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Inca
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Hi Ready,

The thing is, is that we aren't even together now. We are broken up but we are still talking. We've seen each other 3 times since the break up. 2 of the 3 times, we've been romantic and nothing has come out of it. Today I'm feeling depressed and frantic. I don't know what he wants at this point. He hasn't asked for his security card back for his community or given the carseat back for my son. When I've told him that I wanted to give him his things back he doesn't return my calls, so I think he's confused, but then I get confused. I'm losing my mind. One minute I have the patience of a saint, the next minute I'm angry for being a fool or thinking I'm a fool. How much time to I give. I'm not meeting anyone else and if I did, I don't even want to go out w/ them. EW! I think his non trusting me is not even the issue, I think he's a commitment phobe. My brain is going to explode. I just want him to chase me and he's not. I feel like I just don't have enough confidence in myself to walk away, enough confidence to wait it out..nothing. I want to curl up in a ball and sleep.

October 5, 2006
2:57 pm
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caraway
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Inca,

I am looking at my actions from your side of the fence and really trying to make some changes in my life. I am jealous. I am just waiting for him to screw up and I have convinced myself that it is because he is weak and easily swayed, not that he is a bad person.

The thing is, I don't know what it is about the way he is that drives this. I have never really had this issue before. I think that maybe our "types" are just too far apart. I see him say or do something and apply my standards, ie. if I did it, it would mean that I was flirting and he says it meant nothing.

If your guy won't return calls it sounds like he is just punishing you?

Cary

October 5, 2006
3:46 pm
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Inca
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Hi Cary,

If your boyfriend really hasn't done anything then you have to give him the opportunity to prove himself. I get jealous too. I did it to my boyfriend too. I caught him w/ phone #'s in his phone, he even gave his new address to his X, but I trusted him enough to believe that was all it was. I was confident in myself that I didn't let my imagination go buck wild. My X on the other had has a vivid imagination. He thinks just b/c I was friends w/ a guy or something that I want to hook up w/ the guy. Nah, not me.
I feel like he is punishing me but come on! You wanna talk about jealousy? I'm sitting here at work thinking that he's not calling me b/c he's already met someone and has moved on even though we were intimate last week. I need to now turn my imagination off.

October 5, 2006
4:02 pm
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caraway
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Inca,

The mind in a terrible thing!!

I agree with innocent until proven guilty and hate it when my mind races like that. There is nothing worse than that desparate feeling when we assume the worst. You sound like a great person and I am certain that you could not be replaced that quickly. I would imagine that he is just thinking that he will teach you some kind of lesson and that you will really miss and appreciate him when he is gone.

Cary

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