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battling major melancholy
April 21, 2009
1:58 pm
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cnfusedgrl06
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September 30, 2010
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Hi All -

I keep getting hit -out of nowhere, prompted by ridiculous minutiae that remind me of my ex - with some serious moody blues/melancholy. I was putting a date with some girlfriends on my calendar and remembered that my ex and i were supposed to go on a summer trip around the same time, and then I remembered the weddings we were going to go to together that he is now attending with out me... and I just started feeling so bummed.

Knowing that I am better off without him, that I missing something/someone who didn't really exist (if what I am missing really existed outside of my head, we wouldn't have broken up, know what i mean)... but that's not doing much to help.

I am moving on, I'm having much better days, and I've blocked my own access to facebook (had my brother change the password and lock me out) and that helps a lot. I can't "see" him or keep tabs on his activity, and that does wonders for bringing me a little stability and freedom - out of sight, out of mind - and definitely gives distance, which is so huge.

but ... these waves keep coming. i feel absolutely bipolar. fine and free one minute, and he feels like a distant memory, and then something will feel so sharp, and it will feel so recent... as though I've ripped off the scab (sorry that's gross I know) before it's ready. will this ever stop? I want to stop feeling like that - because I know that I'm missing pieces of him - it's not the whole him, and I'll never miss the whole him (that whole him kind of sucked sometimes). But lord I miss those good pieces, and remembering them, remembering tender moments... that sleepy reaching out for someone in the dark and curling into him, some of the stuff that made us laugh so hard we couldn't breathe, whispering to each other late at night, the smell of him and how i felt curled up on him - that kind of stuff completely destroys me. When will that stop? When will I stop thinking about him within two seconds of waking up? and when will he stop being the headliner in my dreams? It can feel unbearable sometimes, even though the days are so much better htan they were jsut a few weeks ago.

I've been thinking about reaching out to him in a few weeks to just see how he is, catch up or something? I don't know... maybe for some closure once I feel like I'm OK? Maybe to show him that I'm fine and happy and couldn't care less? Maybe to make him miss what he can't have? Does me reaching out to him (instead of vice versa) make that obviously not the case (i.e. does it seem like I would obviously be looking for some way to connect or something)? I don't know what exactly I want to happen... but it does feel weird to go from being so close to having no contact whatsoever just cold turkey like that. And part of it is because i feel like so much was NOT on my terms, could i do this as a way to do something on my terms, have a "say?" or, having had some perspective tell him what i think about him and the way our relatinoship ended? part of me feels like i should just never go back, but another significant part feels like I don't like how it ended, and there is so much I wish I had said... is it important enough for me to find some way to say it?

he's best friends with a mutual friend... I don't want to be friends with him, but I also don't want to build up an icy wall of silence that makes life awkward for our friend/s.

I know I don't want to be with anyone right now, but it's partially because I can't imagine being with anyone else but him. And I hate that. Because I don't think he's in the same place, because I don't want him to still have such a hold on me. I know I'm not ready to be with anyone, but god, if only to put some miles between he and I sometimes it seems worth it... i just want something, ANYTHING else for my mind to wander to, know what i mean?

April 21, 2009
2:49 pm
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Zebra
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Confusgrl,

I love you and you are not alone in your feelings...I to experience this.

Hang in there and remember you are worth it.

Love, Z

April 21, 2009
4:04 pm
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It No Longer Matters
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September 27, 2010
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Confused Girl...we are all there or have been there. I sometimes think no one wants to read my same old posts about the same old things but I do sooooo know what you mean.

Take the advice I didn't take. Don't go out and find someone to have sex with just to put miles between you or because he is already with someone else or whatever. I am still learning to be on my own and the past two weeks have been hard on me as well...do you think it could be the phase of the mooon or something. If you would like, go read Yikes I AM Single. I have been posting a lot from the book I have been reading back through.

{{{{{LOTSA HUGS}}}}}

Bitsy

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