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Baffled
May 23, 2005
1:00 pm
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Baffled
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I was told that I needed help just as well as my husband who is an alcoholic/crack users. He has been uses for years now. He goes in and out of prison. right now he is in rehab. I know that things are controlled by a power greater than us. When we checked him in, the lady said that I was sick to for putting up with this. I do not believe that I am sick, I believe in God and what He can do. What do you as co-dependents think? Looking for some answers. I do not know what to do. I know that my husband loves me and when he is clean and sober he is a good man, good father, good provider. But we have had more bad times in the last few years than good. Help.

May 23, 2005
1:18 pm
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Randomwomen2
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i realy do not know what to say hun the question i guess is can he stay clean and if he can will he

May 23, 2005
1:57 pm
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kathygy
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You can not have a healthy relationship with an addict. The drug of choice is the prioity in thier life. I agree that you are very codependent to stay in a destructive relationship. It means you don't value yourself very much. Something is wrong if you stay in such a relationship where you can not get your needs met or count on being treated well. You say you have more bad times than good. You have plenty of reason to leave this relationship. If you trully love yourself you will leave him. Insist that he be clean and sober for at least a year before you can be with him. Its not what God can do, its what your husband can and is willing to do.

May 23, 2005
2:04 pm
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CAMER
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if your husband can work a program and stay clean....things could work out...maybe your hubby doesn't have the power to do this, and that in turn may make health professionals think...why do you stay with someone who doesn't care about themselves, and/or you???

May 23, 2005
2:20 pm
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glittered when he walked
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Baffled,

Without judging I ask you what about you? what about your wants and needs? Do you see a therapist?

You say you love him and I'm sure you do. I love an addict too. She's clean 11 months now (Halleleuia). But if she were to start using again I'd have to turn her out. If i "allow" her to use in any way shape or form I am enabling bad behavior. I have placed a condition on my relationship - she must be clean. I'm only telling you this because it's worked for me. When she's clean I can have a good relationship with her, if she's using I cannot. Therefore, If I aid her in any way while she is using without demanding that she be clean I feel like I would be making allowances for her behavior. i can't choose who I will fall in love with, but I can choose who i will make a life with. All of our lives are too important to choose to make an unhealthy life with someone. I'm not advising you to stop loving him, but I am advising you to look out for yourself - because active addicts will not look out for us. In all liklihood an active addicts will use me - they are in the grips of an addiction, but if I allow it to happen again and again - what is my excuse? If I don't insist that my partner be clean and I instead allow/excuse/cover for their behavior will they ever learn?

May 23, 2005
6:13 pm
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Deena
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okay...I have a thread out there about not understanding this same situation. It became a little controversial. Before I say anything...I am not here to judge you...BUT i do wonder myself how and why people put up with it? Is he really getting clean and sober or is this just another episode of one falling off the wagon. There is only so much a person can take...Have you reached that point? To me it's all about choices. He seems to be making bad choices. His choice to stop. I beleive everything happens for a reason...you can't always let God figure things out for you. I think he gave you enough reasons to walk away from this.

May 23, 2005
6:39 pm
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lollipop3
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Baffled,

My suggestion to you is the same I give to anyone in your (and my ) situation.

You may have taken offense to being called sick but the fact of the matter is living with an addict DOES make us sick. It slowly chips away at our self esteem, self worth and self respect. We begin to loose focus of ourselves (which is the only thing we can control) and begin to focus solely on the addict. It becomes very unhealthy for all involved.

Perhaps you could try a local Al-anon meeting. Al-anon is a free support group for friends and families of alcoholics.

Good luck...I hope this helped.

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