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BADLY NEED HELP ...=[ DOES ANYONE HELP ON HERE??
February 6, 2007
3:05 pm
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mumubaby89
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I am alive but not living, I have freedom but am not free, I have tears but can not cry, I am myself but no longer me.

I can touch but do not feel, I have wings but can not fly, I'm not alone but I am lonely, I am dead but did not die.

The last couple of months I have some problems like friends, family and school and my depression. Overall this year has been crap from MAY 2006.

I am in my teens and I attend college. I used to see a Counceller in June and thn stopped going…wish I never as she could have helped….but how can I go back?

It first started with family. My family just like most fmaily’s these days always argue espically when I am their. Have always been fed up with living at home but still …I could never do much about it. One day after a huge argument my mother told me to pack and go and live somewhere…first time in my life I stood up for myself and since then things have turned from bad to worse. I said fine I will…ever since then I have been living with my GranParents.

I have been through loads..when I was little my dad left and I have never seen him …and I don’t want. My mom met a new man and has been with him for about 7 years now…and I have two new brothers and a sister…who are all little. I have one real sister who is just younger than me. My step-dad beats my mom in when he gets drunk and I think this has effected me badly…for some reason. I remember once when we went on hol and he got drunk and was going to commint sucide… He beat my mam so I got help and my mam was black n blue because I ran to get sum1…I have never been able to forget that really.

I have trouble communication and even the counceller has trouble trying to get things out of me…I just don’t talk and f I do all I used to say was I duno.

It started like I mentioned above when I left home…I was crying and in a real state…and my teacher told me to write it all down so I did and gave it to him. Him told me he is not really trained to help people with problems like mine and he is only a tutor. So he booked me in with the college counceller…and I went for months. She said I had communcation problems…and it just got worse for some reason.

I started cutting my wrists and crying all the time. I lost my mates aswell as other things that once matterd.

After the summer Hols I went into second yr at college and just didn’t go back to the counceller as I thought I was ok..i stopped cutting because I was getting Infections and knew I had to tell my parents if I didn’t stop. I havnt told them or anyone in my family. They have never been their for me trust me… and never will be. My mom never believes me.

College, Life, family and that have been a utter screw up and huge impace upon my life. I am getting bullied losing my mates again…always sad…crying…and never talking…I have been drinking quite a lot lately…and getting really drunk…smoking and taking Popper(Drugs) ..i dnt know what to do..this is not me anymore. Help!!!! Also I was woundering because I know I need to go back to counceller…should I tell my tutor?? And can someone help me write a letter to counceller??

I just need some guidance where do I start in my life. I was wondering if you could help me in some way. I’m lost and I don’t know where to begin, it has sat there for a while and I’m making it worse but not doing anything, I’m loosing my closest friends and I’m getting depressed more but doing that. Please help.

February 6, 2007
3:26 pm
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southgoingzax
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hi mumu,

okay, so one step at a time. You need to call your counselor and get an appointment. Write down what you will say if you have trouble talking/communicationg. You can go back - believe me, he/she will not take it personally that you stopped going a while ago. So call and make an appointment. And then write down what you are struggling with, take it with you to your appointment, so if you can't explain, you have a reference.

It probably will get worse before it gets better. Because you have to work through all the painful stuff, and it can make you feel really bad about yourself - so be prepared, but know it's the only way to start living a healthy life.

you can do this.

zax

February 6, 2007
3:30 pm
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mumubaby89
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I do not know if i can...for months now i have been meaning to go...she will be at the college now not untill next week...i have no idea what to say...=[

February 6, 2007
3:39 pm
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tracylyn
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Mumubaby ~

First of all...just give yourself a big hug and stop beating yourself up. You aren't alone, a lot of people go through exactly what you describe.

This is a great place to start. It's easy here to write what you feel and get good honest feedback.

This site is like a dairy or journal that responds. It's awesome.

How about write down some goals and then try to achieve just one when you can...then another...then another.

List your goals...go to counselor, learn communiation skills, don't be afraid to ask for what you need, make new friends, heal from the pain in your past and let your spirit shine.

I agree with Southgoing that you need to make an appointment for counseling for starters. Don't worry about what to say...if you don't know...you can tell the counselor you don't know what to say. There is no shame in needing to go back and no shame in not knowing what to say. Hell...I'm a 40 year old mother of 3 and sometimes I still don't know what to say....although some people on this site might disagree with that. LOL

Hang in there......just take one day at a time.

t

February 6, 2007
3:42 pm
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on my way
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mumubaby,
She will most likely be glad to see you and she will most likely not have a problem with allowing you to come back. Counselors WANT to help, they aren't interested in making someone feel worse, they are in the business of restoring people to function better. Don't let fear hold you back, ok? Call her when she comes back, or even if it will make you feel better call and leave her a message that you want to see her again and then call again next week. Maybe having that to look forward too might help you feel better.

Don't give up sweetie, ok?

February 6, 2007
3:42 pm
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southgoingzax
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So, you can call and leave a message? say something like, "Hi, this is --------, I would like to schedule an appointment to come in as soon as possible. Please call me back at ______ . Thank you."

You don't have to explain anything, just pretend you are making an appointment to get your hair cut or something - all your counselor needs to know is that you want to make an appointment. The figuring out what to say stuff can come later. Okay? Go call. you will feel better if you can do this for yourself.

zax

February 6, 2007
3:49 pm
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Hi:
I can only imagine what you are going through!! And I must say you are a very strong young lady and i see so because you have had the courage to tell all of us that you are lost and need help it takes a lot to do so. Be strong that is the first thing, going to counseling will help only if you want it to and if you put your whole heart into it. It is not easy like zax said it gets worse well, wayyyyy worse before it looks better and feels even better. But you have to be hopeful and know you will be fine you have to believe in your self and in your counseling that he knows what his doing and do exactly as your told. Write everything down, all you feel that you need to say even if you believe it makes no sense give it to the counseler he will know what to do. In the mean time drinking and taking drugs will keep the thoughts a way for a little but after it will stick you even deeper into reality so my advice is really think about that. NO one is going to judge you not even your counsler, feel free to come back when ever you need us . we are all here for you!!!! Soledad

February 6, 2007
4:01 pm
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mumubaby89
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Am i depressed?
I dont know i just do not want to slef harm again...It was bad.

I hate life.

I have a boyfriend and he pissed me off so much lately and i am not even sure why. He is the nicest lad you could meet.;...Why am i throwing that away too?? :'( I do not know what to do...I have tried going to see her and i cnt bring myself too...

I have emailed her once...and no reply as she doesnt go on hardly ever as people are meant to see her and make an appoitment thro tutors.

My tutor knows far too much and thinks i am good...well i am not. I know one person who will help me bring the courage to seek help...i might try them .

I just well i dont know ..

If i tell the counceller im slef harming and stuff..will she have to tell my parents? just because i do not want them to know and im under 18

February 6, 2007
4:03 pm
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mumubaby89
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and ill be here tomorrow to check ...as going to bed night night x

February 6, 2007
5:29 pm
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mumubaby89
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waste of space this site

February 6, 2007
7:33 pm
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Tumbleweed8
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Sorry I missed you on here earlier, MumuB. I just found out that this was your thread. I really can't add anything to what has already been said. It all sounds like good thoughts to consider, I think. Love and Hugs.

February 7, 2007
12:38 pm
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smarterone
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Let me tell you some of my pain and how i understand. I am much older than you 56. But my childhood was a horror, dad and mom always fighting, dad beat mom and i every nite, cops came. He was extremely jealous of her and if she went out just to a store and found out, which he always did, he would beat me cuz i let her go. I have a younger sis that we were never close because of all this and now that we are older, and live in different states we are trying to become close but hard. I met someone when i was 18 and just before we married (justice of peace) dad died, happiest days of my life. I married him anyway and had two boys. Twenty years later we divorced. He leads a normal life my went haywire. I met the next man, ted, who was just getting out of prison, my first husband was a cop. We did plenty of drugs then, never got hooked on any. Well, ted after a few months became a possessive monster and i couldnt escape. I moved to Florida from NY with him and my younger son christ. My oldest John, wanted to stay. That was the most emotional time. Didnt really want to leave, had to. I was already being beat up by ted and so was chris, everytime we ran away, somehow we came back, why i dont know. Not that chris had a choice. I made the wrong choices and screwed his life up. Ted had 3 children and i really never expected to have them but their mother, who i thought was nuts until i realized living with ted made her who she was. She would kick them out of the house so they came back and forth to my house. It was always a contest like, this is my kid, that is yours, you are favoring your kid more than mine and all that shit. He would kick them to the street. My son always stayed with us. His came and went. Ten years of abuse, running away, etc. just llike childlhood. Ted finally went to prison again, i lost home, everything, all my belongings even pics of kids. Chris now turned to drugs, cant blame him, thats all he ever saw with ted too. I became a wreck. We moved from apt to apt, chris kept getting arrested. Every time we bought a used car, he would get arrested and they would take it. I was visiting ted all the while, for 5 years, he had 9 altogether. I didnt want to really visit him and never had happy visits, but even though i was free, i really wasnt. I lived in fear even though he wasnt there. All this time chris was drugging bad, crack mostly, pawning everything, losing his mind, i took all the blame. One day i became closer to a man i was friends with and asked him to move in with me so i would have "protection" from Chris. I wrote ted and told him the truth and never went back. You can only imagine the threats. I found out i had Hepatitis C too and they treated me for a year with Interferon with is a self injected med like chemo. No one was there during that time but chris and he was wasted. No one talked to me anymore, my lifestyle was too much for them. I had maybe two friends. Never there when you need them but friends. Mikey, my new b/f is totally opposite from anyone i ever met. I hate some of that but its better than being beat up. He is so calm, inside he is afraid of the day that ted gets out which will be in about 10 months. We moved far fromt he county i was living in and left chris for a while homeless to do the tough love thing. After 5mos. we took him back, that happend another 4 times. I am his mother and will always be there. I filed for divorce recently, i have been sued by all of the people that ted owes money to. I live on disability which isnt enough so thank God i have mikey (b/f) Our move to this new county brought us closer to chris's 11 yr old daughter who he never had time for cuz he was always in jail. I have lost everything i ever had. I have no family but a mom and sis in ny, like having no one though. Now chris was getting his act together, met a girl with kids, moved in and one month later she asked him to leave, they had a fight and he was arrested last week and put in jail, court in the end of month and dont know what will happen. Everyone still on my back for teds bills but i am getting help from congressman i wrote too. I have told myself over and over to try not to get sick over all this. I live on so much medication between liver damage, arthritis, and my nerves but if it makes me better fine. I used to see a therapist and kept quitting and everytime i went back they accepted me with open arms. Dont hold off, get help. Yes life is real hard. I guess thats why heaven is supposed to be our reward but when god wants us to go, not our choosing. I know it is hard and you are young and i know it is so overwhelming and unfair to you. Please dont hold anything in, i never do. I dont let anyone think i am living a different life than i am, i find being open helps me. One thing i know that everytime i think i am screwed, some kind of solution comes. So hang in there. Dont hide your problems, you cant fix them alone. I dont know if you believe in god, but talking to him helped me and i always write down my feelings, or anything i have to do, otherwise, i feel like i am so confused. Keep in touch little one and god bless you.

February 7, 2007
3:58 pm
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mumubaby89
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Hi,

Life is really hard for me...lately everything i do goes wrong.
I mean its hard enough judt living my life without the hassel.

I have tried so hard to get back on track but what use is it. I got sooo drunk the other night i do recall much from it..and i still feel bad now.I took all sorts...drink n the lot. I am not that kind of person ...HELP.

Ive been brought u ..well kinda of Ok i suppose their people out their who have been through more hell than i can imagine. I had an Ok childhood...but did get the smack and that..that was normal.

I do not know what to do or whats even wrong.

=[ xx

February 8, 2007
12:00 am
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Soulsister
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(((mumubaby))) and (((Smarterone)))

I don't stop over to this side much anymore..but saw two familiar faces. 🙂 I just wanted to say hi..and give you both a hug.

Love Soul

February 8, 2007
1:59 pm
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smarterone
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soul
I have been here just weekly also, dont know why, but am glad to see you here. How is everything with you and Mr. B? I believe that is his name. Is he still in prison and how is his son and your kids doing. Hope your hanging in there.
Mamau:
You have more than you think, i never recognized that there was hope, i dont think it came from people directly, i mean, i dont have anyone that i can really depend on as far as friends, i think they think im kinda of crazy cuz things bother me and i dont ignore them. Like i cant stop helping my son, even if he is 30, im his mother. All we have is eachother as you see in the story. So, i have chosen this and trust me i complain about it all the time, i wish i didnt care as much as i do. I just cant look the other way for a lot of things. Good thing and a bad thing. But you are so young, and i know you think, that this is the end, but, tomorrow and the next day and the next you will wake up and realize"God, all that shit i went thru yesterday mostly in my own mind, i got thru it, i guess it becomes a lesson." I have learned that with each horrible experience i have had in my life, and which each day i have come thru it only to face another problem, i am a stronger person. Im not a preacher but i am a believer and i know that saying is true : "God never gives us more than we can handle". I have some strong hands i discovered.
You have a great day, what does that mean. I dont know but a long time ago, probably your age, it was llike...birthdays used to be something you got excited about, when you were younger, gifts, party, celebrate, special....as you get older, its just another day of recognition, and what about christmas...when we are young its, ooooh, santa, gifts, family, laughter....when you get older, its buy gifts, find the money, pay the bills, worry about family gatherings. I dont know, what in saying is .....Enjoy today, tomorrow is never promised. See you later, donna

February 8, 2007
2:41 pm
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mumubaby89
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hI

yes i understand what you are talking about...i dont know if i can take life... i shouldnt be here anymore.

I hate the ways people think and have an impact upon others without even caring.

Lately everything has annoyed me and i do not know what to do no more.

i can get cured i know.. i have tried writing and everything imagined and still..

my fmaily has been through alot this week...my mom and her partner have split up ...my kitten got put down and loads other things have happend

=[

February 8, 2007
2:41 pm
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mumubaby89
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hI

yes i understand what you are talking about...i dont know if i can take life... i shouldnt be here anymore.

I hate the ways people think and have an impact upon others without even caring.

Lately everything has annoyed me and i do not know what to do no more.

i can get cured i know.. i have tried writing and everything imagined and still..

my fmaily has been through alot this week...my mom and her partner have split up ...my kitten got put down and loads other things have happend

=[

February 9, 2007
6:28 pm
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mumubaby89
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Fuck life....i am sick of it ALL

February 26, 2007
3:40 pm
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mumubaby89
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;'( i still havnt been to see her. My mate told a teacher...the teacher ended up coming to me today and said did i want to talk to her and i said no and she said ok and walked away.

I dont know what to do ..i wish i had just told her i do need it. Dammn

counceller is here tomorrow and no dout ill chicken out yet again and i have no idea what to do anymore...

Also i need to go on a diet...as im putting on loads ..a hell of alot of weight. Please help!
I was going to starve myself but i cant and always forget what im doing

I have started cutting again...HELP

I knwo theirs not alot people on here can do but its easier that saying it in person.

My boyfriend spilt up with me after 6months and thats all i need right now...It jsut adds to what im feeling now and i have no idea what to do.

I need sleep and i have far too much work to begetting on with that going out or doing what i do best which is listeningto music.

February 26, 2007
3:50 pm
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on my way
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i don't know what to say andi don't know how old you are but i do recommend this website to look at if you will: MercyMinistries.com

February 26, 2007
4:45 pm
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bevdee
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Mbaby

Please try to talk to the counselor. Tell the counselor that you are cutting. Don't keep that a secret. Talking about it is the first step. A huge step.

If you starve yourself, it will make you feel worse - physically and emotionally. Eat fruit and drink lots of water.

If it comforts you to talk about religion or spirituality, that is allowed on the Libs side.

(((Mbaby)))

February 26, 2007
4:56 pm
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take a tiny step and just go see the counselor. take about how you feel these people are trained listen. You don't have to spill your guts out esp. not the first time. but you will feel better by going. I know I've been down and out and so low. I still get that way and it always helps to see a professional.

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