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Bad things happen to Good people despite our best intentions!
July 7, 2007
6:13 pm
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Rasputin
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Something bizarre happened to me the day b4 yesterday. I noticed a man selling books in a public place. I was listening to him and really wanted to take some risks & reach out in love, as a spiritual person. So I suggested to him to meet each other the following day in a coffee shop. While talking to him, I picked up a red flag and sort of regretted chatting with him & inviting him for coffee.

I was NOT attracted to this man. I was just curious and found it interesting to meet him somewhere since he's a writer to chat with him.

Anyway, since I wanted to reach out in love...I purchased a book from him. He wrote his phone # on it. I made sure NOT to give him any personal infos about me such as where I live or my phone #.

Our appointment comes which was yesterday evening and I am in the coffee shop 10 min b4 our RV waiting for him. At 7pm sharp, he show up wearing a sort of cowboy hat. Yes, he is a cowboy which I don't mind. As I mentioned b4, I did not invite this man for romantic reasons - THIS IS NOT A DATE!!! It's just an encounter between him and me to discuss some intriguing matters.

I admit that when I saw him on Thursday, I got scary vibes and wanted even to call him yesterday to call off the RV, but I got him voice mail and he told me he lived far from that coffee shop, so I figured that he already left his place.

Well upon arriving sharp 7 pm, I followed him and we choose a nice place. He announed to me that it was his treat and asked me if I wanted to order something to eat for dinner. I said no thanks. He said, that we could order a platter and share it together. So, I agreed to his request.

While we were sitting at the table chatting...all of a sudden, he said: I think you're an emtional person and you're a good kisser.

Here...I felt uncomfy and blushed and regretted taking a risk on this man, just bc I am a sociable person who likes to chat with people.

He apologized saying that he did not mean to embarass me and asked the server to bring forth the invoice and suggested leaving the coffee shop.

We walked a lil and sat on a public bench chatting...then for some reason started to act strangely and then said that he had to leave to which I was RElieved! Phew.

As for that book which I bought from him, it's a book full of jokes. Guess what? I don't find it funny. In fact I want to put it in the reclying. I paid for it bc I want to encourage people and he seemed to be not well-off. So, I wanted to help him both morally and financially.

I will not take risks any more with unsafe, weird, bizarre people. What do you think with what happened to me????

July 7, 2007
6:21 pm
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ggfred4
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Ras, I am glad you are safe, that is what I think. I was scared reading the post until he left the park bench. Of course, I am a big chicken!

Your intentions are so nice, just please play it safe.

gg

July 7, 2007
6:44 pm
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Rasputin
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thanks gg for the support! I put his book in the recycling basket. I really don't find it funny book and don't want to call him anymore. Yesterday, I called him from another fone just incase if he has caller id he does not get my #. I don't want that book around so that I don't call him anymore.

we really should be careful with our relationships with people, esp with men. I know not all men are like that, but I guess each individual acts according to his values.

It's a pity coz he's an educated person who studied at college and I really found it interesting talking to him.

July 7, 2007
7:01 pm
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Anonymous
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Ras, could it be that you were sending this man the wrong vibes/signals and he got confused about your intentions? Not that you MEANT to, but communication is a tricky thing and sometimes we mean ONE thing, when the other person hears or interprets another.

I wouldn't be too hard on him or yourself. But I would take a long look at what happened, and how maybe YOU might have created a different outcome. That's what I would do if this had happened to me.

Plz~

July 7, 2007
7:09 pm
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Rasputin
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I believe each individual behaves accroding to his intentions. Mine are pure, spiritual, innocent; his are the opposite. Thus the signals got mixed up!

I forgot to mention....when we were sitting on a bench, he wanted to kiss me and said: could a man kiss a woman on a 1st date? I pulled back saying....I'm sorry, I'm a reserved person.

Here, plus that statement about being a "good kisser" at the coffee shop...I really found out his intentions.

Thanks Plz for your comments!!!

July 7, 2007
7:20 pm
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ScaredinMichigan
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Now Ras...how can you be certain of what his intentions are?? (or were)

This is kind of seeming a little odd to me. Now, my mind isn't exactly clear as I am on quite a few meds from my surgery....BUT...I am confused. You assume that this woman at church isn't just admiring you and wanting to be your friend. And you are assuming that this man was out to get something of sexual nature from you...

Maybe this woman really admires you and wants to be your friend. And maybe this man thought that you were sweet and considerate and very attractive. That doesn't mean that they are wrong or bad people.

I don't know Ras. You couldn't give this woman from church the time of day...but were willing to meet a total stranger (a male). That is ok..but it seems to me that you have your mind made up about these people before you had a chance to even know.

I wish NOTHING but the best for you, but I hope that your intentions are what YOU believe them to be. If you can't love your fellow believers in the church...it makes it tough to just care about people in a Christ like manner outside of there.

Just my opinion...

July 7, 2007
7:45 pm
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chelonia mydas
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Hi Ras,

I'm glad to hear that you tried to reach out, and I am sorry that it didn't work out to be the best.

I think that he was a bit forward in some of his comments. I think talking to strangers is OK as long as you are cautious and don't give them a way to contact you- which it sounds like you did.

I have always talked to strangers- some of my best conversations have been with complete strangers that I have never seen before or since. As a teen I used to make a loaf of peanut butter/honey sandwiches and go downtown and pass them out and talk to the people on the street.

I think you followed precautions- not giving him your personal info, meeting in a public place and discontinuing the realtionship when it got weird. The reason taking to stangers can be a bad thing is when we leave ourselves open to be abused/harmed by them. As long as you cover that- then I think its OK.

Just keep trusting your instincts and continue to keep those precautions in place to stay safe, but reaching out to others is something that more people should do. Sometimes it doesn't work and sometimes it does. I think one of the reasons many people become so isolated is because we are afraid to reach out and have it not work out.

The volunteer coordinator part of my job means that I talk to a lot of people to try to get them to volunteer- In some cases I may have only a 3% success rate in having the people I talk to actually work out. Sometimes it can be as high as 70%- just depends on the situation.

Just because this one encounter didn't work, doesn't mean that it was necessarily bad- you just learned that he is not someone you want to interact with again. Good thing to know. I would say it was productive because you tried and discovered it didn't work. Try again with someone else and regardless of the outcome it will still be worth the effort because you will discover either that the conversation was good and you want more or that the encounter wasn't something you want to repeat. Without taking the first step of testing the water, then you never get that bit of info.

Anyway sorry to ramble. I gotta go take care of the pets now- but I'll check in again later.

Hugs,
Chelonia

July 7, 2007
7:51 pm
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Rasputin
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Mich~

As a spiritual person, yes, I love everyone, BUT I am not to condone others' behaviour, nor are we requested to do so. That's what I learned in my recovery program.

As we get more healthy, many people are going to resent us, become jealous, envious and I can see this in my own life & other healthy folks.

As for this old woman in my church, I've known her well enough to trust in my own judgement and discernment. Jealous people could be polite, decent-looking, affriming & admiring us outwardly; yet time and discerment can reveal them. I honestly believe we should believe and listen to our hearts. Being spiritual does not mean being doormat to every one or saying yes to everyone.

When I was less healthy, I was unable to see these signals. As I got more healthy, I became more confident in my reasoning without hurting people. I just want to take care of myself. So will you mich, I can identify with that period in my life...I was unable to tell right from left or east from west. If you persevere in your healing mich, you will be able to trust in your intuition.

As for this man, I could see from the 1st few moments that he was "Red flag." Yet, I still went ahead and took risk on him.

BTW: How is your surgery going, I've been keeping you in my prayers?(((Mich)))!!!

July 7, 2007
8:10 pm
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Rasputin
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Brilliantlly-said (((Sweeeeeeeeet Chelonia))) You and I seem to be on the same wave!!!

In my healing program...we are taught to take risks, since I recite these affirmantions each morning, they become part of my mind-set.

I know that encountering people and taking risks on them are like buying a watermelon. You don't know if it's red on the inside till you cut it and see the inside. LOL

I won't stop taking risks on people. No matter what happens to me, I will start over. I know I've made/met some of the best friends, opportunities by doing so. Since I am a prudent person, I know how to behave...esp with men.

I just might change the word from "risk" into "Chance"!!!

Thanks hon for your lovely input!!! How you're doing now? I hope you're feeling better now. You've been in my mind lately.

I, too, love pets and have kitty.

hugs to you and your lovely pets.

Ras & Kitty

July 7, 2007
9:07 pm
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Anonymous
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Hey Ras, just curious about why he thought this was a 1st date? Did you catch that? See, he WAS confused.

July 7, 2007
9:16 pm
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Rasputin
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For a simple reason Plz and that is....people PROJECT their own wishes. It's a defense mechanism people use when they are hoping to get something. He was using this "projection" bc it was his wishful thinking! As simple as that!

I hope I answered your question hon(((Plz)))!!!

July 7, 2007
9:40 pm
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Rasputin
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Oh....and "Good luck" with your date. Had a sneak peek at the other date thread. (((Plz)))

July 7, 2007
9:43 pm
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fantas
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((( Ras))) I think you did good. You put yourself out there, met someone, invited them to coffee, bought a book with them, that's awesome. That he turned out to be a total looser and more about him than you. He chose to let a great opportunity to know an amazing individual pass him by. That's why when I pray I ask my creator to keep my heart and my eyes open and to remove any veils, so that I don't let the gifts he sends my way pass me by. I also see in retrospect how the universe put people and situations that would have helped me grow but I missed them because I was too engrossed in my own stuff. So I applaud you for stepping up 🙂

July 7, 2007
10:08 pm
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Rasputin
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((((Fantas))) You are an Awesome person!!!!!!!! When I read your post, I almost wept. I can't believe how we codep folks...take our selves for granted and tend to underestimate ourselves. Only when we make true friends, they tell us the truth about ourselves.

I thought may be since he's a cowboy...that he's a simpleton. Turned out that he is as tricky and sneaky as urban people even tho he's quite an interesting person.

Thanks sweetie for your lovely refreshing repsonse. God bless you hon (((Fantas)))!!!

July 7, 2007
10:14 pm
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Anonymous
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Thanks for the good wishes, Ras. I wish you well also!

Fantas, excellent post! You said, "That's why when I pray I ask my creator to keep my heart and my eyes open and to remove any veils, so that I don't let the gifts he sends my way pass me by. I also see in retrospect how the universe put people and situations that would have helped me grow but I missed them because I was too engrossed in my own stuff." Right on!

Plz~

July 7, 2007
10:44 pm
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artist 2
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Hm. Well, Not to offend any of the men on these boards, he's a man. I'm not a man. I think maybe men just tend to be more to the point and maybe this man in particular thought you were getting to the point.

Neither of you are bad people. And I hope this response does not seem trivial, because I take your post very seriously, as you do mine. Some times behavior is hard to explain. This may be one of those times.

July 8, 2007
1:25 am
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fantas
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Ras & Plz... Thank you so much for your kind words. It's all about living and learning isn't it. (((hugs to you)))

July 8, 2007
10:22 am
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Rasputin
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I agree artist! But people should remember that every one has his own values and principles and they should be mutually respected, esp when people meet for the 1st time.

He knows that I am conservative, spiritual and took a risk on him when I don't even know him.

This is called respect and discipline. If these values don't exist in a relationship, the offended party should call off and that's what I did.

July 9, 2007
7:42 am
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truthBtold
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Ras,

You took a chance - saw it for what it was and then quickly "nipped it in the bud." Good for you!!!!

(Had this have been me many years ago - I probably would have kept giving this person the "benefit of the doubt" over and over again until I didn't know which way was up - you know?)

The stronger and more self-trusting we get - the easier it is to (as Barney Fife on the Andy Griffin show used to say.....Nip It, Nip It, Nip It.....:-)

July 9, 2007
8:45 am
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risingfromtheashes
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Ras,

Did you, at any time, say what you would like to chat about or what your own intentions were?

Asking a member of the opposite sex can mean so many things - but mainly, the first thought that pops into most people's mind is a personal interest of a romantic nature.

UNLESS, you said something like "I have listened to you here, and enjoy what you have to say, I would like to chat with you more about your ideas"...or something that clearly indicates you want to talk with him for something OTHER than a romantic nature.

That sets the boundary UP FRONT. And there is no confusion or misinterpretation.

Also, perhaps next time, you should chat with the person more BEFORE putting the invite out. You said you invited him, but then as you spoke more, you saw red flags...perhaps if you reverse it, chat a little first, and see if it feels right, THEN ask for coffee, you may have a better chance of ducking out if it doesn't feel right up front.

I think NEITHER of you spoke of what your true intentions were - thoughts or feelings - and that leaves it open to interpretation on both your parts.

Hooray for you for having courage to try something new. I give you credit. Just be careful tho. You never know who you may be chatting up, and it may not end as smoothly next time!

July 9, 2007
6:49 pm
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AQueen
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When I've met up with guys that I don't really know and I don't want anything romantic I say just that right up front. I tell them I'm not looking for boyfriend and if they are cool being just friends then let's hang out. If they aren't comfortable with that then I didn't waste their time and they didn't waste mine. If someone tried to kiss me after I told them that I wasn't looking for a boyfriend or a romantic encounter I would leave simple as that.

I think it's important to make these things clear. When a member of the opposite sex askes me out it's usually for a date unless they specifically say that it's just a casual get together thing. Just my experiance.
AQueen

July 9, 2007
7:26 pm
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Rasputin
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Thanks folks for your wise tips and hints to which I agree upon.

When I chatted with him for the 1st time, I showed him CLEARLY that I was interested in books and asking some questions about college since he told me he studied at college. I think people project their own wishing on things. So, even tho I've told him that, he projected his own wishes.

Next time, I'm gonna be more upfron, get rid of my sensitive and reserved personality and tell him something like: "hey this is a casual RV, so please don't confuse it or think it's a date or something romantic."

Isn't it AMAZING when we say: Honesty is the best policy.

July 9, 2007
7:44 pm
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on my way
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That was vedry courageous of you...putting that love into action. Some cannot receive it properly, but you did reach out and I'm glad you are safe.

July 9, 2007
7:50 pm
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Rasputin
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Thanks OMW for you kind words. Glad to see you again. xoxoxo

July 9, 2007
7:51 pm
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on my way
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You also Ras... hugs!!

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