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Bad relationship with grown up daughter
June 29, 2009
5:03 pm
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Serendy
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I very unhappy with my relationship with my youngest daughter.She is with a partner that dosen't go to work and at the least smokes dope.He talks to her badly and in the past has given her two black eyes.He has smashed stuff in her (their)home.She seems to be in total denial as to that the relationship is bad.They have 3children who my daughter constantly shouts at and tells them to shut up.They are beautiful children and I know both of them love them.But the whole familys life seems a shambles.The home is in total disaray.I told my daughter in a few weeks ago that I felt her partner treated her badly and that she deserves a better life.I had already confided this to one of her friends a long while ago as the friend bought up the subject to me that she didn't like my daughters partner and the friend has now tod my daughter what I said to her about her partner.So it's all bown up and now my daughter won't have anything to do with me as she says I have been talking behind her back to her friend.I sent my daughter a text a good few weeks ago apolagizing and saying life is too short to be giving each other a hard time and saying I should've kept my mouth shut.My daughter is continuing to ignore me.I am finding it very difficult as her chidren are going to wonder why I am not going to visit.I do not know what to do.I feel I deserve respect as her mother.Has anyone else experienced anything like this.I would be so grateful if someone could help me see more clearly on this issue.

June 29, 2009
5:11 pm
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fantas
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Serendy, I'm sorry your daughter is in this situation. In truth, you did gossip behind her back with her friend, who of course felt the need to report back to her. It's good you have contacted her regarding this issue but it's still up to her to decide to talk to you or not.

Obviously, she isn't ready to let go of her toxic relationship with her partner and until she is, you can't do anything about her. The kids are a different story. If you have evidence of the parents abuse and neglect, you can file for temporary custody until such as time when they can get their act together. They are the only ones without a choice in this situation.

How do you feel about taking care of your grand children?

June 29, 2009
5:22 pm
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Serendy
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I have not got any evidence of abuse or neglect with the children.They all go to school and there has been, from the little my daughter has told me in the past,some problem with the youngest and a worker has beeen to discuss issues with my daughter.That is all I know.I feel she is feeling happier keeping me away as I have always felt that when I am around she is trying very hard to keep up a front that all is well.Previously before we fell out I would only be allowed to visit when it suited my daughter.It was often hard to contact my daughter.When I did see my daughter I usually felt I had to walk on "egg shells"as I did with her father.I was in an abusive relationship with her father and i feel she is repeating a simlar pattern.During my daughters upbringing everything was kept looking good on the surface and as a family we didn't talk about anything.

June 30, 2009
9:17 am
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Lanigirl
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Serendy,

I'm so sorry that you are seeing such pain.

Tell me, does your definition of abuse include being yelled at and told to shut up while living in a house that is in disarray and the father smokes dope?

It sounds to me like this family is drowning. Your silence is condoning what is going on.

June 30, 2009
9:25 am
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Serendy
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Thank you so much Lanigirl for giving me your view.It has confirmed to me what I aready knew,but was being as bad as my daughter and being in denial of how bad the situation is...I need to work on this and get further help...

June 30, 2009
1:51 pm
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fantas
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Serendy,
I think it's time you set the standards for yourself as well. Your daughter is engaging in emotional blackmail and you are letting her. She seems to only call you when she needs you which means she is using you. You need to decide that you too can survive without the crumbs she is throwing your way. Demand to be respected by her and say no when you feel she is just contacting you because she needs you. We do teach people how to treat us 🙂

Are there unresolved issues between you? Has your relationship always been this volatile? Regardless of the history between you, you can start demanding some respect from her. Keep posting.

June 30, 2009
2:31 pm
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Serendy
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Wow!You must've been a fly on my wall for years!Thank you so much Fantas for having that insight of mine and my daughters relationship.Yes I feel there are lots of unresolved issues.But not only now,but previously,she will not talk to me about anything in depth.If I try she just says I talk a load of old "rubbish" {but she dosen't put it quite that politely]I feel it al stems from the way her father spoke and treated me and she seems to be doing the same..I am trying to work on my guilt aswell as I left the family home when she was 16 and left her with her father as I couldn't cope staying in the house any longer.My daughter was acting very rebellious and I had got myself a new career that took alot of my time.So now I feel I was neglegting her.When I left the family home I was expecting her father to care for her but he didn't.And I am ashamed to say that I was out in the world trying to cope and get a life together for myself away from my ex husband.I didn't have any money as I was totally dependent on my ex husband financially when I was with him .So I was having to live in whatever cheap accomadation I could find.Eventually I got a 2bed flat in a no very nice area tower block and my daughter came to stay with me for a time.During that time again I am ashamed to say I didn't have time for her and shouted at her alot.[exactly what she is doing with her children]I wasn't coping myself,but I was determined to make a life away from my ex-husband.Eventually my daughter got herself a local authority flat and then she met this man she is with now.I just feel she was so vulnerable and she was left alone to care for herself although myself,her father,her brother and sister where around.But not I feel supporting her enough.I have spoken with her about this time along while ago and told her how sorry I was that I left her at home with her father as I expected him to care for her.Also I have spoken to her about going to live on her own at a young age.But as I write this I am thinking she was 18.It's all a mess and I can't see the wood for the trees.I have worried myself sick about this daughter of mine since.As I write this,it's since I started a career of my own when she was about 14...Please continue to help me see this situation more clearly.Thank you so much.

June 30, 2009
3:07 pm
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atalose
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Serendy,

I am sorry for the pain you are feeling these days with your daughter. I agree with fantas it’s emotional blackmail, and it’s also repeated learned behavior.

The family circle of dysfunction is a hard one to break, either someone has to leave that circle (such as you did) or that circle needs to open up to allow some kind of intervention so the family members can receive help.

It doesn’t appear that your daughter is ready for either one at this point in her life. I personal think the more you attempt to interview and try and fix this the more she is going to dig her heals in and keep you out.

Try to focus on you and handling this in a healthy way not a codependent way of allowing your emotions to try and fix, repair and force a solution right now.

If you want to reach out to your grand kids why not send them a little something in the mail to let them know you are thinking about them.

Atalose

~~Hope has a place, but not above reality~~

June 30, 2009
3:45 pm
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Serendy
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Thanks for that Atalose.You have helped me.It'smy Grandaughters birthaday on Sat.So I will send her card and present.The weekend after is my other Graddaughters birthday party who is my eldest childs daughter and she is having a skating party which she has invited me to.Also my youngest daughter who I am worried about will be there with her daughter.So I reckon whatever happens we will all have fun skating and falling over!.....Let go - Let God...Thank you everyone...I will be grateful if anyone else feels there is anything else that might possibly be said about this situation.But at the moment I am feeling positive about accepting the situation as it is at the moment and continuing on working on myself.

July 1, 2009
12:19 am
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atalose
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Serendy,

Yes go and enjoy the skating party but don’t break anything!!!! LOL

Keep the focus on why you are there your grand daughter’s b-day and nothing more.

But I know us codies and our anticipation of what if’s so don’t drive yourself nuts with that, as least try not to and what ever happens, happens…..I have no doubt you will handle what ever comes your way with courage and strength.

Keep those positive thoughts going………..

Atalose

~~Hope has a place, but not above reality~~

July 1, 2009
6:28 am
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Serendy
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Thank you Atalose for the ecouragement.It helps me so much to feel the support and understanding....Meanwhile until the skating party...I'm off to Wembly,London to the Take That concert with my eldest daughter today.The sun's gonna be hot,hot,hot.And I'm going into teenage mode and gonna have fun!.Zillions of sunshiney love to all!...

July 1, 2009
8:57 pm
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soofoo
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Fantas,

Serendy has posted that her relationship with her daughter is bad. Why would you suggest that she file for temporary custody of her daughter's kids? And why is the term "emotional blackmail" being used here?

Serendy,

I hope the concert went well.

Hindsight is 20/20. I think you understand this situation well. You say you can't see the wood for the trees, but you can and do. You just can't control this or make it better. Whatever happened in the past is done. We want our kids to have perfect fairytale lives, but they have lives with trials and difficulties just like we did. This is reality.

You were wrong to talk about her to her friend and you apologized. You did the right thing by apologizing. What to do now? Sit back, relax, take a deep breath, meditate, pray or whatever you do to bring peace to your own heart. Keep going to the kids birthday parties, stay active in your grandkids lives and stay available to your daughter. Let her have some space, but don't let her freeze you out forever. Give it some time and then call her again, or write, or send an email. Once a week is probably good.

Try not to criticize your daughter. Her life is not her relationship with that man. Her life is more than that. She has other relationships. She has one with you. Make it good. Be as loving to her as you possibly can, and you will both benefit from that.

Much love to you,

soofoo

July 1, 2009
10:05 pm
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fantas
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Soofoo,
Her daughter's partner physically abuses her and does drugs in the house but the daughter isn't ready to leave. The daughter has also began to yell at the children. Serendy, has no say over her daughter because she has chosen her partner. The children, are the only ones who have no say in this matter and yet are being so hurt and drastically shaped by this experience. If Serendy wanted to so something about them, she could legally get custody until such a time when their parents can proof to be more responsible parents. For the sake of the children, I wish someone would step in and rescue them. It was just a suggestion to Serendy.

Serendy's daughter calls just because she needs something and makes her visits conditional. Serendy is walking on eggshells around her daughter in fear of offending her and being kept away from the grandchildren isn't this emotional this is emotional blackmail?

July 1, 2009
10:22 pm
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fantas
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Serendy, I'm so glad you get to see your grand kids and enjoy their birthdays. There is no sweeter relationship that that of grand kids and their grandparents. With the exception of my father's father, who was a raging alcoholic and later a dry one, I have such sweet memories of mine!!

July 1, 2009
11:01 pm
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soofoo
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Fantas,

I do not see emotional blackmail. Serendy said her daughter allows her to visit when it suits her. This is appropriate. Mothers cannot have carte blanche over visits with their adult kids. Serendy's feelings of needing to walk on eggshells are not indicative of emotional blackmail on the part of her daughter either. The situation is delicate. Serendy does not like her daughter's mate. She's going to feel like she's walking on eggshells around them.

Serendy said that her daughter shouts at her kids. That is not abuse, and it's not a reason to remove the kids from their home. Serendy's complaint was that her relationship with her daughter was troubled. How much more troubled it would be if she sued her own daughter for custody of her grandkids.

July 1, 2009
11:14 pm
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fantas
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Soofoo,

Obviously we see this differently, although Serendy did see my point. However, I think Serendy's own description of her grand children's home life is clear enough.Living with and abusive adult and being constantly yelled at isn't healthy for anyone. As an adult I wouldn't tolerate it for a second but you think children should? I know for a fact that in my line of work, this is grounds for child protective services intervention.

"...She is with a partner that dosen't go to work and at the least smokes dope.He talks to her badly and in the past has given her two black eyes.He has smashed stuff in her (their)home.She seems to be in total denial as to that the relationship is bad.They have 3children who my daughter constantly shouts at and tells them to shut up.They are beautiful children and I know both of them love them.But the whole familys life seems a shambles.The home is in total disaray.I told my daughter in a few weeks ago that I felt her partner treated her badly and that she deserves a better life...."

In the end, I just offer my thoughts and Serendy has the choice to do what is best for her and her family.

July 1, 2009
11:35 pm
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fantas
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I really do not feel that any children's well being should be used as collateral for a good relationship between any adults. IMHO, their well being is not even a close second to the health of the relationship between Serendy and her daughter. If she has to choose between a good relationship with the daughter and a healthy and nurturing environment for the children, I vote for the children every single time. As for walking on egg shells, not only is Serendy walking on eggshells around her daughter's volatile temperament but now her children are having to do the same thing.

To me emotional blackmail is when others hold hostage their goodwill and mete it out conditionally based on their own assessment of others deserving of it, without allowing the other individuals to repay the behavior in kind. It takes two to play this game, which is why I suggested that Serendy set her own boundaries with this instead of just letting her daughter be the only one to determine how and when her relationship with her grand children happens. Serendy can choose when and how much she is available and the daughter can agree with this or not.

Serendy, I'm sorry if this sounds like I have gone on a tangent on your thread. Use what you can and let the rest go. This is the whole point of this site. Learning from each others' varying perspectives and experiences...Please keep posting!!

July 2, 2009
5:48 am
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Serendy
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Thanks all of you for your posts and offering your different views.I am hearing all of them and it is good to look at the situation from different points of view...At the moment I feel it is best if I stand back until I go to the other daughter's party which is two weeks away when I will see my daughter and her children!..So as Atalose said "Whatever happens will happen"And yes I will handle it...It's just the whole underlying niggling feeling of knowing that my daughter is not really alright and feeling she is doing exactly what I done in my relationship with her father and that is pretend to the whole world and myself that everything was good.But I believe my daughter is wise enough to turn her life and the childrens around whent the time is right...Although the shouting and seemingly chaotic lifestyle of my daughters life isn't ideal.I do not feel the children are in danger by being with their parents.If I do feel there is and I know God will direct me.I will not hesitate to intervene.But at the moment I do not feel it would be an advantage for the children to be taken away from the home.The grandchildren have another Grandparent that they spend more time with than me,so I am satisfied that they are not isolated just with my daughter and her partner.My eldest daughter and her children have contact with them aswell.My daughter has friends that she spends time with and thier children.So I am happy that the family is not isolated.I still obviously do not feel it is ideal as it is too similar to my marriage and upbringing of my children.So yes I feel it is learned behaviour and repeating of the pattern that my daughter knew.Also I spoiled this youngest daughter of mine materialistically.She just showed off as a young teenager and I would buy her what she wanted and give her her own way.I feel she actually still acts like this around me to a degree.So that I will go along with her and pretend that I feel everything is alright with her situation.As I feel that is what she wants a good relationship and if she feels I agree with that it makes it alright with her.But I do not feel it is alright and I will remain strong in my conviction to her.So therefore I feel that is why she is keeping me away.As when she feels I do not agree with her situation it makes it reality for her.Then she has to face the situation and obviously at the moment as has already been mentioned she isn't ready to do that.But if I stand back and wait.I know she will sort it out.Meanwhile I know she knows I am there for her without me saying a word...Thanks all for listening and offering me your points of view...I'm off now to go and join a new leisure centre.I used to love hanging out at the leisure centre,but I haven't done it for 2years now.And I feel I need to start doing that again...Have a lovely day all.And once again thank you so much for supporting me...I am blessed!..And bless you all!

July 3, 2009
1:13 pm
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Serendy
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What a turn around!!!..I've just received an invitation to my Granddaughters party tomorrow!..No not the party I was telling you about that is next week....But an invite to THIS Grandchild of the youngest daughter I have been posting about...Thanks be to God!I am so-o-o,so-o-o !happy!..I put a card for her in the post and thought I would see her next week at the other Grandchilds party.But NOW I am GOING to hers!..I am blessed..Yes.I am going to go and celebrate my Grandaughters party.And have fun!..You are the first people I've shared my good news with.You have been such a part of this with me..You are all going to be with me there in spirit...Thank you all so much...What a fantastic turnaround..I have taken on all that has been discussed between us.Let's hope this is a new begining....See all there is hope for you all too whatever your situation..And you will always be in my thoughts for good to happen for you all.You all deserve it,as you are all willing to help others even though you need it yourself..Zillions and zillions of love.

July 3, 2009
5:53 pm
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atalose
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That is wonderful news!!!! I am so happy for you Serendy. Yes go and just enjoy the day put the past where it belongs and begin a new day.

Atalose

~~Hope has a place, but not above reality~~

July 3, 2009
6:07 pm
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fantas
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Serendy, That is awesome!!! Enjoy the celebration!! Here is to more good times for you!!

July 4, 2009
5:17 pm
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soofoo
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Oh that is wonderful news Serendy! Have a good time.

July 4, 2009
5:31 pm
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Serendy
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Thank you for Atalose,Fantas,Soofoo for your good wishes..The party went fab and we all had a good time..I'm going to believe this is a new begining where we have both learnt and start anew with our relationship..Thanks be to you lovely people.Bless u you all..xxx

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