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bad night
October 7, 2005
8:54 pm
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neely
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Well last night I went to an alanon meeting. It was ok. Will I go back, I dont know. The people were nice but all their problems stem from someone drinking. Their issues on "yourself" I could relate to. I think I will look for others to go to.

Tonight I was supposed to go to a coda meeting. I was really looking forward to it all day. I actually went out and bought a whole bunch of new clothes. I have lost so much weight I needed smaller sizes. I felt great. My ex bf should see me now.

Well I went to the meeting and no one was there!!!! It was at a hospital so I went to the info desk. They said that they are very rarely there. Why it was in the paper I have no idea. I left a really nasty note on the door for the coda people. If they ever get it I will never know. Well I am now in a really depressed mood and am so tempted to go into my ex's email and match.com. I have been doing so well by not doing that. It has been 2 weeks. Nobody can believe that I have stayed off. including myself. I figured if I get on this site with you I wont go on. Thanks

October 7, 2005
9:05 pm
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lollipop3
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Hi Neely,

Even if you don't have issues involving alcohol, I would suggest giving Alanon another try. They have a saying there that says....take what you like and leave the rest. You shouldn't compare yourself or your situation to others there. Perhaps you could find and try some other meetings in your area. Just go to a few different and see if you relate with the things they are saying. Alanon is very similar to CODA and the messages are pretty much the same.

Perhaps you could also try reading some books on the subject such as:

Women Who Love Too Much by Robin Norwood or....

Co-dependent No More by Melody Beattie.

Both of these books were very helpful to me at the beginning of recovery from codependence.

This site is also a great place to come for wisdom, insight, and encouragement as you begin your own journey.....so keep posting.

Good luck,
Lolli

October 7, 2005
9:15 pm
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hippychick
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The fact that you continue to search for ways to keep yourself on a much more healthy plane, is so good. You should be proud of yourself for that. I was thinking about trying a CODA meeting in my area. I'll have to check one out and let you know how it was.

October 7, 2005
9:22 pm
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neely
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I dont feel like I am really progressing very much. Today I did go out and get some of the books that was recommended. The only problem is I have not been able to read since I told him to leave. I will try and pick one of them up tommorrow and force myself to read it. I am going to try and go to a alanon meeting tommorrow morning. I will give it another try.

Before you go to the coda meeting make sure it is really happening ha ha.

October 7, 2005
9:30 pm
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human drama
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Don't give up. I beleive the right situation will soon find you. Keep the faith.
This is a great place to find answers and motivation. The important thing I think during this arrival point in your life - that of seeking to make changes and release painful issues, days, periods of time - is to connect with others. When you realize that you are not alone you can find more inner strength. Its there waiting to be tapped into!
Goodluck
HD

October 7, 2005
9:31 pm
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lollipop3
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Neely,

Good for you for not giving up on yourself. I know how difficult and frustrating the recovery process can be but the best thing we can do for ourselves is to keep trying. Always remember.....progress, not perfection.

On a personal note, I had a similar experience going to my first Alanon meeting. I did the research and found one in my area. I called to find out what time the meeting was and was told 7:00pm. Well I mustered up the courage to actually go and when I got there.....there was noone there. There I was all alone in the basement of a church not knowing what to do.....so I just sat there. I sat there for more than 30 minutes and finally someone came in. She said "hi, my name is Eva" and that was it......I started crying at that moment and didn't stop for the entire 1 1/2 hour meeting. I never said one word.... I don't think I ever even told her my name. At the end of the meeting I got up to leave and a woman came up to me and said "please come back next week" and I just knew that I had found where I needed to be.

Keep looking until you find a place where you feel comfortable. You won't be sorry.

Good luck,
Lolli

October 7, 2005
9:55 pm
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neely
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I guess I put on a very good happy face because my family and friends think i am doing so well. When I am home all I do is cry. I dont sleep. I think i am getting addicted to my sleeping pills (ambien) I know kicking him out was the right thing to do but I think I am going through a tougher time now than when I was with him. (mentally) I am hoping that alanon will be for me. I am trying everything to heal and go on with life. Right now life sucks.

I will really try and read those book. I know that alot of you are going through alot worse than I am and that makes me feel so guilty. I should be able to just pick myself up and get on with life. But the thought of being alone forever is too much to take sometimes.

I am my worse enemy. Thanks for the support. Neely

October 7, 2005
10:14 pm
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lollipop3
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Neely,

There is no need to feel guilty. Your pain right now is just as real as anyone else's here.

All of us here have issues, yes, some worse than others but we all feel pain, confusion, frustration, anxiety, guilt, fear, anger, etc. etc. No matter what our problems are we are here to support and encourage each other. That is the whole purpose of this site. To grow and learn and help and be helped. To share our progress and support each other during our setbacks and believe me....we all have them.

You don't have to put on a brave front. It is okay to feel your feelings. As a matter of fact, it is necessary in order to be able to let them go.

I understand how you feel. I am also in the process of ending a relationship. I know that it is bad for me and I have to what is necessary to protect myself and to become the healthy person I want to be, but I also love him and care about him as a person, which makes it so hard. I have good days where I feel strong and confident that I am doing the right thing. I also have days when I cry and wish that things could be different. That is okay and it is normal.

We are human and humans have emotions. It would be nice if like a light switch, we could just turn them off but that is not reality. Reality is that we must learn to accept our situations as they are, to feel our feelings and let them go.

Keep posting and know that you are not alone.

Love,
Lolli

October 7, 2005
10:19 pm
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sdesigns
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Hi Neely: I also had the same experience at my first Al Anon meeting. It took a lot of courage for me to finally go and then it was cancelled that night. I talked briefly to some folks outside and went home, very disappointed. Much later I went to another one that was women only. I sat and listened to everyone else share and then at the end, they wanted me to introduce myself since I was a newcomer. Well, on came the tears. I couldn't talk, just blubbered. Got lots of hugs and lots of phone numbers of people to call. One woman even gave me her book "courage to Change". It was a great experiece. I finally let out all the tears and tension that I had been holding inside.

Yep, I vote for keep trying to find a meeting.

October 7, 2005
10:33 pm
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neely
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Iknow what you are going through about ending the relationship. I dont know how I got the strength to tell him to leave. One day I just flipped. I actually was hitting myself while I yelled at him. I had black and blue marks all over myself. I never had done that before. I think I was on a verge of a nervous breakdown. I loved him and didnt want him to leave but I couldnt take being with him any longer. I told him I just couldnt take it anymore and to leave right then. He thought I didnt mean it because I had told him to leave many times and then after a few hours I would change my mind. He used the I love you and I will try and change, get a job, treat you better etc. But by telling him to leave right then with only as much as he can put in his car, when he was gone I was devistated and relieved at the same time. I couldnt believe he was gone. "what had I done?"

I love him so much but I know that eventually it would get worse. It actually did. He had no job no money, he lived off of me, His family wouldnt take him in because of the way he is. The only place he could go was to his drunken, drug addict uncle who is living of the state. I have changed my phone number. I guess I said things out of anger that really were wrong. Like I was going to call the police and tell them that he was giving his uncle his medicine to sell for money instead of paying him rent. I guess I really wanted in my heart to make sure he would never want to come back. He had come back twice before. I guess I did a good job.

I know he has gone on with him life and me--well you know!!

It really was the best for both of us. I was in love with him but I couldnt live with him. I dont know what your situation is but if you feel like I did about breaking off the relationship than that is what your heart is really telling you to do.

When the right time comes you will know just like I did. Hopefully it will leave you and him on good terms. I wanted that for me but i had to make sure I wouldnt take him back like in the past. The only way I could make sure is to have a big fight and make him not want to come back. Thats how it is....

October 7, 2005
10:43 pm
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neely
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sdesigns -

i guess the group I went to the other night was not the group for me. It was a small group and they were all friends. They had been together for years. There was just me and one other new girl there. I was given a packet of info. I felt so out of place. One women did come over to me but I still didnt feel good about being there, All I wanted to do was cry the whole time it took all my strength not too. The way the meeting went I felt I would look like a fool. No one else looked that upset. Including the other new person.

I am going to go to other meetings until I find the right one. I would like to find more than one. I dont work so I would like to go during the day and night. I like the people contact. Its too bad that we are not in physical contact with everyone. We would have the best group meeting ever!

October 7, 2005
11:26 pm
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SHERRYGIRLS
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Hi, couldn't sleep. So after reading my mail (from you) I came here.
I think about you all the time. We have known each other for many years. Please don't think that you are bothering me. True, I have my problems too, but then we all have problems and I think that sometimes people can help each other even though their problems are different. I can see what you can not and you can see what I can not. I will ALWAYS be there for you.
I was told that TIME is what we need. Only time.
Just remember I will always be there for you as I know that you will always be there for me.
Don't ever think you can't talk to me...

October 7, 2005
11:37 pm
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neely
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I didnt think you were on tonight. I know you go to bed so early. I just feel like I am leaning on you too much. But you are the closest person to me. I love you in my life

October 7, 2005
11:53 pm
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neely
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Well I am exhausted. Going to try and get some sleep. I hope I can get to sleep without the pills. Everyone thank you for your support.
Neely

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