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June 22, 2004
4:13 pm
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angelsfootprints
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I haven't been to this site for about two years.
I had finaly got myself off the anti-depressants, loved life and was settling down to my own life with my partner.

Now all i see is a brick wall all around me. There is no way out. No windows for light and endless black sky for miles above me.
All that i saw and believed was good has fallen apart and all i believed was true was lies.
There are no happy ever afters, there are no magical endings, there is no final happiness.
I feel dead inside and the only thing that gives me light is my partners undying love.
He is the only person keeping me sane, but how can I rely on him so much that I am afraid to put any more pressure on him for fear that it will drive him away?

The fear I have lived with for the past 8 years has now become a living nightmare and I am split between two people who I love so much. And yet I hate them for doing this to me. I feel love and hate and pity and guilt in equal measures and it is tearing me apart.

My parents divorced when I was 11, they separated, I lived through a violent 16 months with my mothers boyfriend and when i was 16 my parents remarried to each other.
I spent 6 years suppresing memories and feelings and the remainder trying to get over them. Noe all i have tried so hard to work our and forget is being thrown back in my face as they tear me apart again. My father hardly speaks about his emotions and I never know what he is thinking. My mother uses me as a'friend' rather than a daughter and i am her shoulder to cry on, her rock, her 'only' friend she can talk to. I hear details about my parents life no child should ever hear. I am relied on for common sense and responsibility. But who is there for me except my partner? My sister has shut herself off from reality and doesn't want to talk about anything...the past is still too painful for her. My mother never seems to consider how the things she tells me could possibly be good for me to hear...she needs someone to talk to but it always comes down to me. I try to tell her this but she makes me feel I am the only one she can talk to.

I am going back to counseling, but i cannot get in for a week or so. I am signed off from work and feel guilty about that. I am sick from stress and feel weak because of that. I don't know which way to turn anymore.

I've had good advice from people in here before...i hope someone can offer me some light because it's mighty dark in here at the moment.

xxx

June 22, 2004
5:48 pm
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angelsfootprints
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...

June 23, 2004
12:14 am
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sixfootblonde
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First of all, hi and welcome back. It's great to know there's a safe place to come and unload.

As for your situation, that's a tough one. Your Mom is putting her needs ahead of yours and as a codependent we feel it's our place to take care of others, don't we? Especially with our parents -- they've raised us and know our buttons and have ingrained us more than anyone. I honestly dont know what to tell you. It's hard to do but I guess maybe you need to explain to your Mom that while you are there for her and love her, you need to show her how it's affecting your life so drastically. Does she know all you've shared here, the extent this is affecting you? All of it? She needs to find an outlet to listen, a trained professional. You can love her and support her without this extreme happening.

We are all here to listen so feel free to vent.

June 23, 2004
5:54 am
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angelsfootprints
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Thanks for replying,

Yeah she knows what's going on, and she went through conselling herself when she left the abusive relationship. I keep saying she needs to talk to someone, but she never sorts it out. She just knows because I love her I'm gonna be there.
I just feel i am in a cycle of bad things happening...just as i seem to be getting stuff right...my world goes through a 360' and i am back on the floor again.

I am off to work now (even though i am signed off - they rang yesterday and can't sort something out - guilt trip on me) for a few hours so i am really stressed and pi**ed off and it's only 11am.

xxx

June 23, 2004
10:25 am
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angelsfootprints
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home from work...bad headache and pi**ed off even more...

i'm going to bed

xxx

June 23, 2004
11:22 am
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sixfootblonde
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hey, take a nap for me. It's rainy and grey here and every part of me is drooping -- begging for a nice nap.

Your mom knows the devastating effect her behavior has on you and yet she persists? How does this make you feel about her? Has she made choices like this your whole life?

June 23, 2004
5:12 pm
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angelsfootprints
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in one word YES.

up until recently when i realised how much control she had over my life she has made all important decisions about my life even down to what uni course i was going to study.

now i am more independant and learning to live my own life...i left uni and now work as a dispenser in a pharmacy...it is obvious how much of a dissapointment i am to her but i really cannot be bothered trying to please her anymore

xxx

June 24, 2004
1:05 pm
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sixfootblonde
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Sounds like you are making healthy choices and working on changing for the better. That's great. I was surfing around the internet and found this I thought might help you just a little....

http://www.uexpress.com/dearabby/

June 26, 2004
6:53 am
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angelsfootprints
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so tired....

thanks for the site, it was interesting reading, i wish i could have a good talk with my mum, but it only ever comes out one sided with her talking to me about all her problems. She doesn't even know that i have already been through counselling and anti-d's and to be honest, she is the sort of person who always has to go one better in a kind of sick way.

will post more later, have to go to the bank before it closes..

xxxxx

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