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back on the depression wagon despite great happenings
November 3, 2001
4:14 pm
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jjv78
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September 27, 2010
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I was hesitant about posting, but reading the thread about Austin's relationship and the support he receieved convinced me to do some airing out here.

I will try to make this as brief as possible. Otherwise, this will be the longest post ever...

I had been single for three years until this past Septmeber. I came out of a bad relationship and 2-year depression in '98 and have been fine since. I've had my ups and downs and have missed being part of a relationship, but I was alright and back to myself again.

Late last July, I started feeling depression coming on again--overwhelming sadness for no reason. The scary part is I can't pinopint any specific trigger. Everything was alright. All I know is that I felt like crap and isolated myself from my roommates.

I have been dealing with my sexuality for years, and my sister told me maybe it was time I was honest with myself. So I decided to chat in a gay and lesbian chatroom. To make a VERY long story somewhat short, I met the guy who would be my future boyfrined that night online. Who woulda guessed?

Anyhow, he lived in FL. We started chatting in early August, but didn't decided to start a relationship till Sept. 17. He moved here a couple weeks later (not because of me, that's another story) and things have been great. We're very much in love and I'm finally in a loving relationship again after being on my own for quite a while.

Well, recently, my depression has settled back in. And it's hit HARD. The most frustrating part is that I have NO reason to feel this way. Things are OK, my job is fine, and I have a great relationship going with the (almost) perfect boyfriend. But I CAN'T make myself feel happy. I'm not a crier, but I find myself just breaking down into tears lately and it's getting harder and harder to deal with things.

My boyfriend has been very understanding. He spent Wed. and Thurs. night with me, which was wonderful of him. I finally slept for a couple nights. The problem is, I know I can't rely on him for my happiness. For one, I need to be happy on my own, and secondly, I can't put that responsibility on him. He does have a life of his own. My biggest fear right now is ruining what we have by becoming too dependent and needy. I fight myself all the time, wanting to ask him to spend the night, when I know he's tired or he has to go to work the mext morning, or he's supposed to be hanging out with his brother. Yadda yadda yadda...

Anyhow, that's the gist of it. I've alrady gone on longer than I've meant to. I mean to see a doctor about my problems, but right now I have neither the money nor the medical coverage to do so, so I'm just trudging through the days. It's frustrating that I have such a great support cast (my boyfriend, sister, cousins, and devoted friends) and still feel so alone, but I suppose that's part of what depression does to you.

Any encouragement or advice is welcome. My e-mail address is [email protected]

Thanks y'all so much for reading.

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