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Back on the board - in AA recovery for almost 2 years and struggling a bit
May 18, 2009
7:58 am
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balancesekr
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Hello everyone here, it's been quite a while since I've been on this site. There are so many people on here who really helped back in in '04 and for a few years after.

When I used to post here, I was so self-absorbed and I didn't realize, that I was an alcoholic. Today, I am grateful that I have this awareness of what was wrong with me, and this website, truly helped me, it was a great lifeline.

This time around, on this site, I know that I will be there for other people in a way, which was not possible before. One of the "Promises" in AA says, we will lose interest in self-seeking and develop an interest in others, something like that.

Lately, I've been doing my best to get more involved in the AA program. I started out going to CODA meetings back in 2001 and eventually found this site. I used to beat the crap out of myself when I posted here, and so many people gave me great support.

I actually saved some of the posts, and re-read them to see how far I truly have come.

The bat has been put down for the most part. I am struggling right now, as my sponsor is going through some of her own stuff, and has sort of abandoned me which hurts. I know it's not all about me, but it still hurts.

I have reached out to some other people, and there is this one woman who is almost always available. Others, I have reached out to, will usually call back when I call, but I am kinda disappointed that I can't seem to get a real good network of calls coming in. I am kinda getting resentful and not wanting to be the one who makes the first move all the time.

I have reached out to people, and said, I really need people right now. I even called the AA hotline last night. I'm doing my best to give it over to god/my higher power right now.... it's really tough, I've been digging deep.

Even the fact, that I can not be completely angered and pissed at my sponsor, really shows growth. I do feel hurt though, as I called for days in a row, without a response.

I wanted to post and re-introduce myself to the board. Thank you for reading, looking forward to chatting with you.

May 18, 2009
10:20 am
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Randomwomen2
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(((((((balancesekr))))))))

May 18, 2009
10:38 am
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peace4all
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(((Balancesekr)))

First off. hello my name is Peace4all /grammie and I am a grateful alanon member. Welcome back and congradulations on your almost 2 years sobrity. You know the program says..Progress not Perfection...and
Easy does it...so..please dont beat yourself up over feeling down. First off in the last few months it has been a new rule here that if we want to use HP or God we should go over to the Lib side..just thought we could speak more freely there so if you care to join me there we can chat.
Love in recovery, Peace4all/ grammie

May 18, 2009
12:15 pm
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Zebra
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Hang in there Balancesekr..easy does and one day at a time. Congratulations on the 2 year sobierty...that my friend is a great accomplishment.

We are here for you.

Z

May 18, 2009
12:58 pm
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Tumbleweed8
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Balancesekr, Good to see you back and posting. It seems sometimes in AA we have trouble with sponsors. I know I did and haven't had one since so I can imagine how you feel. Thankfully, I also had a friend at the time in AA I could call anytime and that meant so much. Wishing you the best one day at a time and hope you keep posting.

May 20, 2009
11:27 pm
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balancesekr
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hello everyone, I am sorry I wasn't on the past 2 days to post back. Thank you for responding. Hopefully the thread will still get read.

Randomwoman2 I remember your name. Thanks for the hug.

peace4all, what is HP? The liberation thread or something like that right? I have to poke around this site, I used to just come here. I am working really hard to not feel so insecure right now and accept my situation. Right now my bf is away visiting a friend, for almost a week, and it just feels like such a long time. He texted me this morning, but hasn't called all day, I'm super sensitive and a touch codep, since I "need" his phone call right now, and I get resentful and angry he hasn't called. I need to get out of my head, my thinking is running wild. Can you relate?

Thank you Zebra2 for the congrats. I've been hitting meetings and making phone calls. This has been a tough week.

Tumbleweed8, definitely remember seeing lots of posts from you. Maybe this time around we can get to know each other. I confronted my sponsor and told her my feelings. It went well, and she apologized for disappearing on me. I didn't get to talk to her today, she didn't call me back 🙁
I know she's going through some things.

I do have a friend I met in the rooms whom I talk to almost every day. She always calls back, its nice.

May 21, 2009
11:12 am
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StronginHim77
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Welcome back. I do remember you (since I am one of the "older" ladies on these threads!!).

As a minister (and a woman who has loved ALOT of alcoholics, including my late husband), I have connected with a local halfway house program. My relationship with those houses and the residents within them has taught me alot -- firsthand -- about alcoholism. One thing I have observed is that many remain "dry" from alcohol, yet replace that addiction with an obsessive, personal relationship. It is sort of like "shifting addictions" from alcohol to a person. Makes sense?

This may be part of what you are experiencing in your own life. This bf may be your current "fix." Can you afford or manage any private counseling to help you through this? It might benefit you a great deal.

In the meantime I am very glad that you are back. We will do our best to support you.

- Ma Strong

May 21, 2009
12:06 pm
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peace4all
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(((Balance)))

HP is short for Higher Power, sorry I didnt mean to confuse you. Hope you have a peace filled day today, its our choice.
Love in recovery, Peace4all

May 21, 2009
10:55 pm
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balancesekr
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hey stronginhim, I was noticing you on some threads and I remember you too. I do go for counseling, just got back. Been in counseling on and off for awhile. I have to say, it is really weird being referenced to as an alcoholic, with people sharing their experiences with them, or us (recovering alcoholics) I am not used to this. I feel kinda strange.

It is tough for me to wear the label "alkie"

I just know that alcohol was starting to take over my life, and I stopped drinking and I go to AA meetings.

Yes, my bf the fix. He has been in my life for almost 5 years. 2 1/2 of those years I was drinking. I do worry he is a substitution for something and wonder if I am for him too. My counselor says every relationship is a little codep in a certain way.

This is the healthiest relationship I have ever been in. I encourage him to do things for himself and he does the same for me. We do things separately.

I know last night I was really hurting though. I started a new job recently, and its tough! I manage 5 people, and the company is really strict. I miss my old job, which I got laid off from, so I am adjusting. My brother chewed me out a few weeks ago, he has major issues with me, he has a mood disorder and our relationship has been just getting worse over the past few years. So, he has been attacking me, character assassinating me lately which hurts. Its just been a lot lately. And I know it is not right to "need" someone to call. I was really lonely. I tried giving it over. I acknowledge where he could be a fix. I am trying to not do that. Love him for him, not for what I get from him. Know what I mean.

Thanks for your response!

May 22, 2009
12:04 am
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butterflykisses
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Balancesekr - I am new on here, but welcome and glad you are finding some sobriety again. I do not have that problem, but am DEFINATELY co-dependent. My husband is not an alcoholic, but has 2 brothers that are and his dad is a recovering alcoholic (i think dry for about 20 yrs or more). Keep up the one day at a time and your soul searching.

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