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Back - looking for support - watermoon
January 13, 2011
7:46 am
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Watermoon2
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Hi,  All  -

My birthday was yesterday and the friend who I care about who hasn't been treating me well/ hasn't been there for me did nothing for this occasion and he knew about it.

I have a lot of other friends, acquaintenances, family who are/ were there for me.

He and I had a heated talk on Monday night - he thinks I'm scorning him and that he doesn't deserve it.  I told him that I don't feel safe with him and when I don't feel safe,  I withdraw.  He said he is confused.  I said I'm confused.     I see him as being arrogant towards me.  As I've shown him that I care about him,  he feels like he doesn't need to do as much (doesn't do as much) and takes me for granted.   But, hey!, I'm a codependent so all bets are off in terms of the whole thing.     He misses my friendship/ having talks with him.   Whatever.  I can't see the 'way' on this.    I think I need to focused on care for myself.

Basically,  it doesn't feel good and I think that needs to be my barometer.

I think it is that 'man' 'woman' and how we can't talk to each other thing.

It's just not okay to try to get water out of stone.  A stone isn't supposed to give water and it is futile.

Time to move on.

Any words of wisdom you might have, I would appreciate.

-watermoon

January 13, 2011
9:02 am
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chinadoll
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watermoon,

As for birthdays, my view is that it is a speacial day, but it is more important for me to treat myself well and celebrate the day, and not expect anyone to do that for me. When I turned 17, I was very upset that my family--all of  my family members--forgot about it. My birthday usually falls around Labor Day weekend, and isn't acknowledged. I complained to a friend about it, an older friend who could give a better perspective on it all. I thought she would support my complaints and take my side (I was 17, mind you!). Her question was, "what did you do to celebrate your birthday?" and I said "nothing!" and she said rather than wait around expecting others to do things for you, do what you need to do for yourself.

After that, I stopped placing my expectations on other people.

Rather than re-write the script, you are welcome to read my response to Daisy on the "anti-grandparents" thread. While some of it might not apply to you, take from it what you will.

I don't agree with you that men and women are not able to communitcate. It is something that society wants us to buy into, to keep men and women in conflict. And to keep selling the "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus" books. Constantly pointing out our differences. Yes, it's true, men and women are different, and we have different communication styles, but it all boils down to a willingness to listen. And actively listen--not waiting impatiently for the other person to finish talking so that we can throw out our own point of view and "convince" them that they have to see our side. To think like us. None of us are never going to think exactly as we do. Our lives bring different experiences, and we interpret things in our own way.

Men, generally, do not see a need to do as much. Actually, when men are more secure and content in a relationship/friendship, they will do less, because they have reached a comfort level where they are not in that "hunter/pursuer" mode. They don't have that stress or need to keep making efforts to impress the woman. Women have a hard time with this, because we are constantly "feathering the nest." Doing things for others, to keep things going.

I actually find that when I do less for my boyfriend, the more he makes an effort. We give each other a ton of space. And then when we are able to connect, the time and effort is more appreciated on both sides. I also have a lot of male friends that I see at work or meet up for lunch. I don't expect to talk to them every day. Some of them, I am lucky to talk with them every couple of months or so. When we do get a chance to talk, it is nice. It was always like that, even when I was not in a relationship. I don't dump my girlfriends when I am in a relationship, so why would I dump my guy friends? My boyfriend is a part of my life, but he is not my life.

My boyfriend told me that one things he likes about our relationship is that is does not feel like "work". We are both content.

I agree that you need to take care of your needs. I do not seek approval from others. It only matters that I approve.

 

peace, love & light!

January 13, 2011
9:59 am
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Watermoon2
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Hi Chinadoll, 

Thanks for your wisdom. 

'It only matters that I approve.'

I guess you are saying with this line that you act as your own frame of reference  - that you use your own approval as a navigational system.

Yes?

What about using some kind of spiritual (outside of yourself) as a frame of reference?

Do you have any experience with that?

-watermoon

January 13, 2011
10:18 am
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chinadoll
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watermoon, I use my instincts in everything I do. If something does not feel right, usually it is not right. Just as you described your barometer. Trust yourself.

I am not sure as to the new rules on the support side, if we are permitted or not to speak about religion or spiritual matters. Because I live my life authentically, I will speak from my heart to answer your question, and if I get modded, then I will know what the rule is.  

As for spiritual outside of myself. I have conversations with God. I speak out openly to Him, as tho' I am having a conversation with a person/friend who is sitting next to me. Then I wait for an answer to come to me. Sometimes the answer comes as my own thoughts, after meditating on a problem for a while. Sometimes the answer comes to me as an eveny unfolding. Or what may look like a "coincidence", which I do not believe in coincidences. I have been told that prayer is talking to God (or higher power) and meditating is listening for God (or higher power). This allows me to gain patience to work thru an issue. I do not simply react emotionally. I talk it out, speak out loud about it, hear how it sounds, if it makes sense, if it is even important.

What I meant when I said that it matters that I approve. Basically, the choices I make have to set well with me. Rather than asking others about what they think about what I do, and hope for their validation of my choices, I must be ok with my choices all on my own. What others think comes from their own frame of reference, which will never be like my own. Using their frame of reference to give an opinion about my choice does not relate at all to my choice. It then becomes their choice when they give an opinon about it.

I will listen to the insight of others every so often, to assist me in making a choice, but once that choice is made, as long as I am ok with it, there is no need for others to approve.

January 13, 2011
11:33 am
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Watermoon2
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thanks, Chinadoll.

I suspected you had this kind of spiritual practice and feel comforted to see that you do.

Not sure why.

just do.

 

trust myself / my instincts,  my intuition,  my gut feeling -  get feedback but ultimately I should feel good about a decision, movement, action...

and ask for help through prayer/meditation - 'signals' of the directino that feels good...

 

thanks,

watermoon

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