Avatar

Please consider registering
guest

sp_LogInOut Log In sp_Registration Register

Register | Lost password?
Advanced Search

— Forum Scope —




— Match —





— Forum Options —





Minimum search word length is 3 characters - maximum search word length is 84 characters

sp_TopicIcon
Back in Black
July 23, 2001
4:22 pm
Avatar
Cici
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Hey everyone,

I got back from my honeymoon/family reunion to find the server down, oh well, it happens with appalling regularity at my work.

I have returned, somewhat, from a pretty black and terrible depression that descended on me immediately after my return from my honeymoon. All personal doubts aside, my new husband proved admirably that he can handle me and my continuing psychotic episodes. I am extremely grateful to the powers that be that I went ahead with the wedding, depression be damned.

I was talking to my Mom about it and she said it was like coming down from a particularly splendid high, which was an analogy that hit home with me. I think it happens to a lot of women, I mean you go from focusing your whole life on one day to having nothing to focus on, with that intensity.

Plus, about a week before I got married a friend of the family died in a car accident. I knew this guy from 3rd grade, we went to elementary and middle school together, and our older sisters were best friends. I used to hang out with him when my Mom made my sisters drag me along to their friend's house. He's my age, now suddenly and inexplicably gone. One of those truely NICE people that's so hard to find nowadays.

About a week ago another figure from my childhood, a priest at the Catholic school I went to, died from liver failure. I secretly felt guilty because I thought it was unfair of him to get 3 liver transplants.

I just feel strange at this point. A bit disjointed. I started reading a book on survivor therapy for women who have been raped or molested, and I can't seem to finish it.

My honeymoon in Jamaica was splendid, aside from having to fly there and back. I swear, the next time I have to go to another country I'm taking a friggin' boat. I just wanted to run off into the wilderness and pitch a tent and live there for the rest of my days. Ahhhhhh.

Anyways, I've finally managed to climb enough out of my listlessness to start posting again. I impulsively cancelled two of three listserv subscriptions, thank God, and am currently trying to keep going day to day.

I also sprained my foot 2 weeks ago and immediately thereafter slammed my finger in my car door. At this point I can only assume I should spend the remainder of my life completely encased in bubble-wrap.

Sigh.

July 23, 2001
8:06 pm
Avatar
Molly
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

I think pitching the tent is a far better idea, and it is a common theme among us, one that we have shared before, but how do you plug in a blender? Oh, well its a problem that we are going to experience here, sooner or later, to hell with the blender. I think mom is right, it is a let down, and then there is that whole who am I thing, and how long is forever? Just a thought, but maybe you can't finish the book, because you don't need to read it? You are a survivor, you just need some coconuts, and a good massage. You have been under so much stress, and the thought of leaving paradice would depress me, new life with prince of a man or not. Black by the way is also a very spiritual color, just toss the black lipstick, ok?

July 23, 2001
8:14 pm
Avatar
janes
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Blender? What's the b;emder fpr?

Cici...hang in there....got a great email the otherday just saying "find one good thing every day...sometimes that can even be hard.

If anyone can do it though...you can.

smiles

July 23, 2001
8:26 pm
Avatar
Alena
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Cici, dear, I am so glad you are out there. When I read what you posted as soon as you came back, and then it was gone, I've been hoping you were okay. I'm sure Molly and Ladeska have a WHOLE bunch of good stuff to help you out.

How was the wedding?

I do detect a little levity in your post, so much better than your first one, and I'm happy to see that. 🙂

Sometimes these things just seem to come in spurts, don't they? I mean, the depression, the deaths, the foot, the thumb...you barely recover from one and then you're blasted with another, sometimes you don't even have time to catch your breath.

I know you're young...the deaths are such a hard part of life to deal with. Yeah, and then the guilt because of how you felt about the transplants..but you didn't make him die...you know that.

Depression and listlessness, don't they go hand in hand? They do for me, I know. Plus, on meds?? God, which is worse the disease or the cure?? Been there, done that, but whatever it takes to get back on your feet.

Thank God you have a good husband,
stay strong, you have so much going for you and so many who care.

Hey, and you don't need plastic bubble wrap, you need to not be so clutzy.. :-).....take it from me, I have so many self-inflicted scars, I look like I wrestle big cats for a living. My friends and family never allow me to carry anything of any importance cuz I'm such a clutz.

Don't give too much thought to not finishing the book, you'll pick it up when you can..maybe you just don't need anymore overload.

Thinkin boutcha, be kind to yourself..

July 24, 2001
1:27 pm
Avatar
Molly
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Blender is for cocktail hours. Medication for the stress of sitting under the sun, waiting for the massage. You remember that island we were all going to run off to.

July 24, 2001
3:32 pm
Avatar
Cici
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Ha ha ha. You guys are great. I kind of like that all the old posts are gone. Makes me feel like starting out fresh, you know, letting go of all the old baggage.

Yes, I was in a dark night of the soul the last time I posted, Alena, I thought no one had had a chance to read it. Somehow it seems like the desperate person who tried to commit suicide was a different person completely. My husband says that a lot, that it seems like I am so many different people at once. I think every is, but it sucks when you have a self-loathing, raging, depressed, weepy personality, like that one ugly sweater your mom gave you hanging in your closet. Peanutbutter cookies are my only comfort now, har har har.

I have yet to write out thank you letters. Problem #1: Some of the gifts were separated from their accompanying cards. Problem #2: I don't know who contributed to the charities. It seems like most people just didn't do anything at all, nice, huh? "Thanks for the expensive party and free food and beer, dude, later!" Ug. One of my husband's friends made it clear that he was there just for my husband, so I have this sneaky desire to get his face airbrushed from the one picture he's in, har har har.

Life goes on, interminably. I think I'm in my slump right now because I don't have anything to look forward to. Graduating in December, yay, but what then? Being an adult and married is sooooo expensive. it seems overwhelming.

July 24, 2001
3:59 pm
Avatar
Alena
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Yeah, it is overwhelming, but brace yourself....it only gets better.(?)

Don't you just love those freeloaders?
Okay, those are folks you can just dismiss from your worries or thoughts.
Let them and their rudeness just evaporate from your head, they aren't worth the anger they spur inside. poof...all gone.

How about eliminating the folks who contributed nothing at all from your "thank you list" and then just a general thank you soooo much for your gift type card for everyone else. If you can't get specific, then don't. How's that?

I know what you mean about the personalities. Cici, it's so easy to slide all the way down once the slide begins. When I get that way, it's like I'm desperately trying to find something on the sides to grab on to before I slide miserably into the depths, and when I can't get a hold, I sink. It's an awful feeling..so out of control. And then, when I'm feeling stronger and somewhat together, I feel humiliated by my behavior when I was so weak, and desperate. I wish I had the answer. I know suicide is not the answer... Ya gotta keep on keepin on, keep on building yourself up, mend the holes in that pathetic sweater 🙂
That's all we can do, no?

Anyway, I'm glad the old threads are gone too, I'm glad you and most of the tribe are still here....still waiting for Ms. L ..... I hope she comes back, the site is lacking without her.

And about being an adult...I try to be adult only when absolutely necessary.... it sucks. I gotta keep that little kid spirit close to the top....

July 24, 2001
5:52 pm
Avatar
janes
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Right only be an adult when absoutlutrely necessary and then try to screw it up or be silly at it so it is more fun....

Thank you notes...do a blanket one explaining the mixup....

Can you do airbrushing? Can you make me look skinny?

July 25, 2001
12:04 pm
Avatar
Ladeska
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

You mean you're a human bean after all? And that it's okay to wear your underwear on your head if you friggin want to? Well....not really into all that nonsense anymore about making sure people know that I am sane. Actually, it's way more fun and healthy to prove that I'm quite insane. That way - they are pleasantly surprised and relieved when I have my moments of normalcy.

It's okay to fart, Cici. Gas builds up, ya know. Has to have somewhere to go. You've spent all these months with this building up inside you with all the plans, expectation, yada, yada. So let it rip! You gotta download it all sometime. You're allowed.

Life is a roller coaster alot of the time and we have to let ourselves "flex". sometimes I flex too much and do a back flip off the roller coaster and other times I curl up in the bottom of the box and jar the hell out of myself as we bump along the tracks - but that's life. Constant motion - even when we think we are sitting still.

I think you did very well actually. I know that little person you are talking about that does the suicide spill. Dark little thing. I always look at her in me later and go - who the hell are you? She says - the one who keeps you sane and gives you the right, the option and the reasons to bow out if you want to. Otherwise - you'd feel trapped and like you had no option. So, in that respect, she's my friend in a bizzare kind of way.

It's all part of who we are. We're just one big ball of stuff. You're still on your journey of working through things and all in all - it is the journey that matters most and not the end destination. You're right where you should be.

You just need to rest now and let all this wash out of you.....you mentioned alot of stress here.....time to just let it run it's course and flow outward....taking the time it needs in order to do that. This is all very normal... When we fight letting this happen is when it becomes toxic to us. We dam it up and don't let it process, flow and follow through.

Good to see you here. Have been missing you, wondering how you were and someone emailed me about how you were before this site went down and I was really worried then. Feel better now though.... (smile)

July 26, 2001
7:46 am
Avatar
hollowman
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Focus on your new marriage and be glad that someone loves you. It will work out for the good!

July 26, 2001
1:10 pm
Avatar
Molly
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Ahhhh, how sweet hollowman, and Alena, you lie, you lie, well at least you put a question mark!!!!
Cici, there are so many things to look foreward to, yea there is a cost, but live live live,and make it worth your while, and Janes is right on, followed by our other wise women, The blanket thank you is perfectly acceptable, and heck I don't think any one any more really expects a thank you note, I haven't received one in years, so more power to you if you do. I think some where in the rules of being proper you have up to one year to get them out, but if you wait that long, ??????? The charities should be able to tell you if any one gave. The freeloaders well they are every where, don't airbrush the guy, make a cartoon out of him, and send him the photo!! so, after graduation, are you gonna play shrink, or social worker, or house wife and mama?????

July 26, 2001
2:26 pm
Avatar
Cici
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Mama? Not quite yet. If ever. My Mom once ominously told me that all the problems I caused her will be visited upon me threefold when I have children. At this point I'm scared to even give birth, for fear that the little wretches will come out giving me the finger with a bleak scowl on their faces. I read an article recently about how jsut because you have the ability to reproduce doesn't mean you should, ha ha ha.

I know in my more stable frame of mind that I personally believe everyone should not take themselves so seriously. I'm so sick of self-righteous anger. You know, Judge Judy style. Or Dr. Laura style. But I am guilty of it - taking myself to seriously, and the concurrent angry outbursts and fist-shaking that goes along with that mindset.

Finally picked up the Survivor Therapy book, not for me so much as just out of curiosity. There's a chapter on common mistakes therapists make when dealing with rape victims, and I'll be damned if they don't look like character sheets for all my old therapists, those lovely dears. Ha ha ha.

Oh, Ladeska, it wasn't so much a fart as it was explosive diarrhea, har har har!

July 26, 2001
2:32 pm
Avatar
Cici
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Hmmm...

When we were in Jamaica, we met a janitor who worked at the resort we stayed at. We ended up hanging out around 1-3am every night the last part of the week, and the sweet little bugger stole a bottle of overproof rum for us from the bar. So I gave him my CD player. I thought, he could get more use out of it than me, and now I have an excuse to get an MP3 player, ha ha.

we gave him our phone number and he called last night, but I dodged the call and let my husband chat with him. The whole time I was sitting there thinking, what's wrong with me? He's a friend, but I can't bring myself to talk to him?

July 26, 2001
7:38 pm
Avatar
Molly
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Sometimes we make connections and don't want them to go any further, or we wonder what they want, conditioning from the wonderful world we live in.
In one of the seminars I took, with over 300 people in it, most of the people in the room were therapists, and boy did he blast them. he said most were in the business to save the public from what they endured growing up. Sorta sad but I found some of what he said to be true. They got so caught up in the transference that they couldn't see past them selves. Projected all kinds of caca that was not relevant to the clients situation.
Bad therapy, but then again, as you are about to embark, just like me, somtimes I think my agenda is to give people real help, good help, clarity, and not be like the rest. You would not believe the stuff I am hearing about some of the situations since this Prop 36 passed out here. The no jail time for drug offenders, its so sad for the clients.
By the way, my mom gave me the same line, and it was sorta true, but at least I was prepared.
I think you would be a great mom, and will up stage that poor sis of yours, I think due to who you appear to be, what you have learned, your up to the challange, and gosh, since you have experienced almost every other sort of pain, I would sure hate for you to miss out on this one. Just kidding, my girls have been calling, sore throats, and influenza, guess I am good for something. No rush though, not like anyone is ever ready.

July 26, 2001
10:27 pm
Avatar
Alena
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

I don't know Cici, I think back and one thing that sticks in my mind is the vulnerability you feel after an episode like you had. So, so, vulnerable. If it was me with this Jamaican friend thing, I think maybe when you were with your husband talking to friend, you were safe. On the phone, one on one, without husband's input, safety net, it's a vulnerability again. And since you're still dealing with the rape issue, isn't that a feeling you're trying so hard to recover from? Just my thoughts, my feelings I remember.

Take your good ole time on the baby stuff.....find you and get a good grip and then dive in and join the rest of us gray haired, shredded nerves, oatmeal mush brained, 30 word vocabulary moms!!! Just kidding....but do have some husband and wife time....you'll know when you're ready....but don't sell yourself short.

July 27, 2001
2:15 pm
Avatar
Cici
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Thanks ladies, ah it's nice to get advice with some sort of clarity. Whenever I talk to my Mom nowadays she at first asks how my husband is doing and then demands that I be nice to him, that I should never be angry with him, and that for God's sake I need to go make him dinner because he's too skinny. I think she would say that about him even if he was 300 lbs, though, ha ha ha.

Alena, I think you're right. Without my husband there to sort of mediate the conversation, I do feel vulnerable. It's the same way with a few other male friends as well, I'm perfectly fine if they come over for a visit, but I just don't like the phone.

Blah. At least it's Friday.

July 28, 2001
7:52 pm
Avatar
guest_guest
Guest
Guests

hey cici whats up! its me, old guest_guest. just wanted to say hello. take care!

July 30, 2001
2:43 pm
Avatar
Cici
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Hey you, still up to your old tricks?

Forum Timezone: UTC -8

Most Users Ever Online: 247

Currently Online:
49 Guest(s)

Currently Browsing this Page:
1 Guest(s)

Top Posters:

onedaythiswillpass: 1134

zarathustra: 562

StronginHim77: 453

free: 433

2013ways: 431

curious64: 408

Member Stats:

Guest Posters: 49

Members: 109487

Moderators: 5

Admins: 3

Forum Stats:

Groups: 8

Forums: 74

Topics: 38532

Posts: 714181

Newest Members:

lesleypq2, chip-xxx, rfvbkmrfVar, Denicedop, gtnhzyzVar, tourprofi

Moderators: arochaIB: 1, devadmin: 9, Tincho: 0, Donn Gruta: 0, Germain Palacios: 0

Administrators: admin: 21, ShiningLight: 572, emily430: 29

Copyright © 2019 MH Sub I, LLC. All rights reserved. Terms of Use | Privacy Policy | Cookie Policy | Health Disclaimer