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attracted to woman with opposite physique of my wife
March 8, 2000
9:38 am
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yh
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I am attracted to woman with opposite physique as my wife. She is big, has a big bud and legs. I have two children ages 5 and 1. Our sexual life is not very good. What should I do?

March 8, 2000
12:29 pm
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kay
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Has your wife always had the same physique, or has she just become big since the children? You may want to let her know that she needs to get in shape because she is losing attractiveness. She will probably be offended but it would be worse if you just let it go on and end up having an affair. If she was small just a short while ago she should be able to get back in shape.

What about your physique? Have you changed? Sometimes people "let themselves go" when married, and take their pertners for granted. It is improtant to communicate with your wife and do it lovingly. Maybe join a gym together, it will give her (and you) more energy and some of the energy will transfer to improve you sex life. Good luck, kay.

March 8, 2000
3:07 pm
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BROC
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yh,

Hmmmmm. The thing about this is this. Its not about her, its about you. You see, you will learn soon if you hang around long enough is that most rel. are dysfuncitonal. Not thats a sin, but really causes allot of problems in rel. In a healthy rel., the old sayings like beauty is only skin deep REALLY come into play. I used to have huge hangups on my mates, but found via counseling it was ME, not them. Sure, she could trim down, but what is it about YOU that can't accept her for the way she is. Remember, she is THE SAME person you married for better or worse. The ceremony is not a gimmick. The words were/are real.

So, take a few dollars and speak to a professional. Then you will know if what I speak is the truth or not.

Additionally, most dysfuntional rel. have self esteem as a core ISSUE. When someone doesn't feel attractive, or loved, then whats the use, right. Why try to improve if it seems hopeless. And finally, you have to ask yourself this question. What if you got fat? Your busy with work, eating fast food all the time, no time at the gym, etc. You will baloon up if your not already. As kay mentioned, in dys. rel. people take each other for granted. When they have changes such as they, you can no longer accept them.

Oh, and one more thing. I am betting your not Mr. Olympia yourself. I am of course guessing, but heres a little pychology behind what I am saying. We choose mirrors of ourselves, both in mate, friends, etc. And, as such, what we hate or like in others is exactly what we hate or like about ourselves.

Just food for thought.

B-

March 8, 2000
10:43 pm
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janes
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As a feminist refugee from the '70's I find your attitude upsetting.
I had 4 kids in eight years and had a big butt and fat thighs too.
I didn't want sex cuz I FELT SO DAMN UNATTRACTIVE!!!!
LUCKILY I HAVE A HUBBIE WHO LIKES ME FOR ME. And he waited through all my years of slef doubt.
Reread Broc's post.
And stop belieiving the media when they show yo what the "most desirable physique is!!!!!

March 9, 2000
11:46 pm
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kay
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Everybodies appearance changes as they age and/or go through changes of lifestyle. It cannot be avoided. When we first decide if we want to be with a person, the first thing to attract us is most likely appearance. then we decide to get to know that person better and eventually fall in love. If that person were a jerk you would move on, even if they were beautiful in appearance. Therefor I have to assume that your wife was a pretty wonderful person for you to fall in love with and remains so even if her appearance changes. I imagine you still love her and your attraction to the other woman is purely physical at this time. So think of how much you love your wife and family and how much it would hurt her to know you persued other interests.

I don't think you can avoid being attracted to other women, it is natural to admire others (even other men) because people are beautiful and everyone is unique.

I think janes is right, you shouldn't stop loving your wife because of appearance. Physical attractiveness can only go so far. If you show her how much she means to you she will be confident and carry herself is a manner that reflects beauty. You need to help her if you want to see improvement in physique, your attitude will adjust hers.

I still think joining a gym is a good idea, it can only help in her energy and self esteem. And if her weight is affecting her health you shouldn't hesitate to bring up the subject. Talk to her, but be tactful.

March 16, 2000
7:17 pm
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AMY522
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yh:

As a woman who has been in your wife's shoes, take this into consideration: I have never been what I would consider "overweight", rather, out of shape. When I met my boyfriend 8 years ago, I was at my heaviest, about 160 pounds (I'm 5'8"); not huge, by my standards, anyway. When we moved in together a year later, I dropped down to 120 pounds, and he never really said anything about it, either way. In the last 2 years, mainly due to stress and medical conditions/medications, I have gained most of the weight back, holding steady right around 150 now. Last summer during a totally unrelated discussion, he looked at me and said he was "physically unattracted" to me because I had gained so much weight recently. I would rather have had him get up and punch me in the face than to ever have said that. Of course he tried to take it back, tried to weasel out of it, but it has stuck with me, Big Time. I am now more afraid to be naked in front of him than ever before. I told him that if he's more concerned about my physical appearance than what I am inside, perhaps we shouldn't be together. By the way, I should mention this man is nearly bald, has recently had all of his top teeth removed due to decay (and before that he went for 2 years with horrible, rotten front teeth....not attractive in my book), and is not exactly a super model. My point is that none of these physical aspects ever bothered me, and even if they did I would never have dreamed of saying it to him out loud. For the record, this comment to me, among many, many other things, have recently driven me to the edge, and I am in the process of leaving him. So I think you need to figure out if it's her looks, or just plain "her" that are bothering you. Or maybe it's you?????

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