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Attracted to "rescueholics"
September 17, 2005
11:21 am
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reader99
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September 30, 2010
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Hi,

I'm new here and am glad to have stumbled upon this site. This is my first post.

I'm very attracted to a man whom I've known as a friend for six months. He is single and has no ex-wives or children (he's 51 and I'm 42). We get along great, and I think he is attracted to me but has never made a move or asked me out even for coffee. (He's the shy type.)

Anyway, this weekend I learned some things about him that gave me pause. Specifically, his last GF is only 33. Her 18-year-old son just passed away from a drug OD, and even though they had been broken up for about 5 months my friend was still paying this kid's rent on his apartment. My friend couldn't meet his own financial obligations so was borrowing money from me (he always paid it back, and since I trust him implicity that was not an issue). So, basically, *I* was paying this kid's rent, which I have to admit kind of bothers me. The main issue is that this is a big red flag -- this kid should have given up his apartment if he couldn't afford it.

This is on top of a friendship he has with a 35-year-old woman who calls him up crying everytime she breaks a fingernail! He drops everything to talk to her, and so she monopolizes his time.

The last guy I was involved with was a chronic "rescuer," and it caused major problems so I am very wary about becoming involved with another one. So, my two questions are: (1) Should I just move on or try to give this guy some reading materials on "rescuing" (i.e. codependency)? Since he is my friend first and foremost I see nothing wrong with that but would like some opinions. (2) What does this say about me: am I also codependent to attract/become attracted to this type of guy? (believe me, I need no rescuing whatsoever!)

adTHANKSvance!

September 17, 2005
11:38 am
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exoticflower
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Well, my first thought is that if you give him the material YOU become the rescuer...LOL! I would love others take on that, I'm one who is always scared of trying to 'fix others' to a pretty severe degree, I won't even tell someone what bothers me half the time.

It really should be about YOU though...if his rescuing is effecting YOUR life, and YOUR relationship with him, can you just tell him that part? It isn't for you to correct his own shortcomings, just to take some possition on where it effects you. Let him know that 'when x monoplizes are time and you choose to play into it, very frustrating to me." ANd you can certainly say that YOU don't feel comfortable contributing to this sons apt., that you personally don't wish to support it. I think he should respect your own refusal to engage in things that you don't feel are healthy, and if he can't then perhaps he really ISN'T the guy for you. I think it is more a matter of not letting it effect YOUR life than helping him to change, at least for now. YOu can't change him, but you can choose not to engage in the parts you don't like or feel comfortable with.

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