Avatar
Please consider registering
guest
sp_LogInOut Log In
Lost password?
Advanced Search
Forum Scope


Match



Forum Options



Minimum search word length is 3 characters - maximum search word length is 84 characters
The forums are currently locked and only available for read only access
sp_TopicIcon
attacked by mil-- through_the_fire
July 20, 2009
9:48 pm
Avatar
through_the_fire
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 101
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Just wanted to let some stuff out. MY mil who has always been "nice" to me, but a real abusive person, was, after 5 years, abusive to me today. A real attack on both myself and her daughter. One of the stupid things she was furious about was her daughter came to my house before going over to her house. Fifteen minutes at my house and we're attacked. She's friggin' nuts. Then she's convinced her sweet boyfriend that I never invited her to something, when I did repeatedly (a notorious liar).

My heart pounded, my legs felt rubbery-- all the feelings of fear, flight (I couldn't abandon my sister-in-law right away though), just plain old feeling unsafe are with me now. We did leave, but both of us felt shell shocked. I tried to focus on the pretty day, other positive things, but that exhausted feeling was there.

I just have that terrible feeling--- I'm 46 years old and these crazy relatives are still attacking. Now I suppose she'll think she can do this any time. But there's no way in hell.

I feel so angry I could scream!

Fire

July 20, 2009
10:39 pm
Avatar
razor
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 140
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

((Fire))
This woman sounds like a nut..did she have this fit in your house?

July 20, 2009
10:50 pm
Avatar
fantas
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 14
Member Since:
September 29, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

(((Fire))),

I'm so sorry your mil is so volatile. Where is your husband in all this? What is he doing? If he does nothing, I suggest writing her an e-mail or speaking to her directly telling her that you were hurt by her behavior and have no intention of putting up with this kind of behavior. You have an opportunity to stand up for the little girl who got attacked and no one stood up for. I can imagine thinking of doing this must be scary.

Hang in there! Keep us posted!

July 20, 2009
10:52 pm
Avatar
through_the_fire
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 101
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Thanks, Razor. No, we were at her house to take her and her boyfriend to lunch. She laid into us as soon as we got into the apt. My sister-in-law, her daughter had been over my house for 15 mins. This pissed her off, as she's a paranoid control freak. My heart pounded, and I really wanted to take off. Then she started lying about other stuff, just laying into me and my sil.

I've been really good to her and I really can't imagine being anything like I was her again.

Fire

July 20, 2009
10:58 pm
Avatar
through_the_fire
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 101
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Thanks Fantas.

I've seen my husband stand up to her abuse and have gotten good pointers from him. He's disgusted with her right now, and doesn't want to have anything to do with her for awhile.

The thing is, she's like my abusive mom. After weeks go by she can just come back around as though nothing happened. I've seen her do this after abusing others.

I can stand up for myeslf-- and my husband will certainly do so for me-- but I can't emphasize how she just isn't someone you can talk rationally to. She's so messed up that she thinks of herself as a victim!

I'll think about if I would want to communicate with her, and how--- but I tell you--- I have a serious aversion to having any contact with her whatsoever.

Fire

July 21, 2009
8:00 am
Avatar
autumn128
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: 1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

(((Fire)))

I'm sorry this happend to you and your sil.

I would give it some time for all parties to cool off. Do you want to confront your mil? What do you want to say?

You say your mil has a pattern of doing this kind of thing. does anyone ever say anything to her?

I remember in some of your past posts that your mil has made nasty comments to MM.

Is it possible for the family to approach her as a group about this?

Autumn

July 21, 2009
8:51 am
Avatar
bonni
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

TTF,
The first thing that comes to my mind is that you could develop a set of stock responses that you could rehearse. These stock responses are like cues, if that makes any sense. For example:

For when you are not at home:
I think its time for us to leave now. Have a good day.

For when you are at home:
I think its time for you to leave now. Have a good day.

In any situation:
Its time for this conversation to end now.

Any time you are in a situation that makes you uncomfortable, you have a right to exit. This should send a clear message that this behavior won't be tolerated. This is how we deal with children having tantrums. Deprive them of the attention they are getting that fuels it.

This behavior is about your MIL. I'm sorry she is such a challenge and you really don't have to be subjected to this. Just politely excuse yourself and exit. If she attempts to restrain you or fails to leave,then we are escalating into a legal situation.

I personnally don't think people change because others talk to them about it. I think they change when their behavior doesn't give them the desired outcome.

Hope this is helpful and wish I could say its easy to do, but I think it could help.

bonni

July 21, 2009
9:10 am
Avatar
atalose
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 18
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

I couldn’t agree with bonni more, non rational people who rant and rave, make up things as they go along and cause drama and chaos DO NOT CHANGE because someone talked to them.

They DO CHANGE when their behavior doesn’t give them the desired outcome.

I think exiting the moment her abuse begins is how to handle it. Don’t give her the stage she seeks.

Atalose

~~Hope has a place, but not above reality~~

July 21, 2009
9:29 am
Avatar
Lanigirl
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 161
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

My therapist suggested leaving the situation by saying that I need to go to the bathroom. No one should be in a situation where they feel unsafe. I'm so glad you're deciding to take care of yourself.

I didn't end things in a good way with my MIL but the good part is that I made it clear I didn't want her contacting me. She can talk to her son. The other great part is that my H now can talk about her badly and I just nod my head and make sympathetic noises but I have no part in it.

July 21, 2009
9:52 am
Avatar
bonni
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

With my MIL, I don't answer if her name pops up on caller ID. In person, I am polite and do NOT engage in conversation beyond the weather. DH and I used to have a ton of conflict about her. Then, one day, I just decided that she did not really exist for me. She is not in my circle or world. I don't engage.

July 21, 2009
11:09 am
Avatar
through_the_fire
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 101
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Thanks, Autumn, bonni, atalose, Lanigirl! It's so good to get support.

My mil is 87 years old and is not changing any time soon. For 5 years she has been calling me the best daughter-in-law, very verbally affectionate, generous-- while I've seen her lash out at others. I guess it was just a matter of time before she included me in her lashings.

My sil and I left pretty quickly, after my SIL stood up for herself. All I said was, "This is ridiculous" which my MIL mocked and attacked. I just never want to be exposed to that venom and level of hatefulness again.

I think I'll tell my family member that should she do anything like that to anyone of them or myself, they can expect me to exit.

Fire

July 21, 2009
12:25 pm
Avatar
through_the_fire
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 101
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

I completely realize that MIL set us up. Recently she and her boyfriend, who are both in their 80s, and for whom my husband and I do a lot, gave us money to buy a used car. Our old car was breaking down every couple of weeks, and she said, "I want you to have the benefit of some money now, instead of waiting until I die. I want to see you enjoy something." Really nice, right? She'd mention to how she treated my husband badly as a kid (an understatement).

We got them a thank you card and my husband made them a peach pie. We expressed constantly how great their gift was. I couldn't get her to agree on a time to take a ride in the car. She just didn't seem interested. I suggested taking her for an errand, taking her for a bite to eat-- never was a good time.

So in her venom yesterday, she said after giving us money, we never even showed them the car. When I said that wasn't true, of course she ignored me. Unfortunately, her bf, a true co-dependent if there ever was one, believes her! She never told him about the invites, and he said right there in front of me, "This is the first time I've heard of that." I've seen this sort of thing-- the relatively good person siding with a known liar!

ARGGGGH!

Fire

July 21, 2009
12:49 pm
Avatar
readyforachange
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 6
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

fire...I am so sorry this happened to you. I totally understand this type of person, though, as my ex-MIL and her entire family are the same way, including my ex-h. I call it crazymaking, and my therapist thinks they all have personality disorders. It's maddening.

The only thing that gets me through is limiting my contact with them, and repeating the serenity prayer over and over again...

Give yourself a hug, and know that you can't please some people. You know the truth, and that is all that is important. (((fire))) hang in there...

July 21, 2009
2:21 pm
Avatar
through_the_fire
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 101
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Thanks readyforchange....your understanding makes a difference to me. That must have been awful to have a whole family like that. God. My husband, and sister and brother in-law always support each other and just basically say WTF is her problem? My husband and I think she has borderline personality.

When we're all together for a couple of weeks in the summer, and she pulls all her crap, we always say we need to have a therapist around.

My mother is a carbon copy of my mil (if not worse, according to my husband). It's so weird being in our late 40s, 50s and 60s and talking about this crazy person who just persists in being a royal hurtful pain in the ass.

How stupid to alienate the people who care and look after you. How incredibly stupid!

Fire

July 21, 2009
2:37 pm
Avatar
sdesigns
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 30
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Boy, Thru, can I relate!

Sounds like my mother AND father, especially when you said" After weeks go by she can just come back around as though nothing happened."

This is just their "Normal" which is so crazy and off the wall. There's no way to reason with people who think and act this way, at all.

It would never occur to them to apologize after a stunt like that. I agree with Ready, its crazymaking. Illogical, crazy stuff.And if one were to confront them and ask for an apology, they would turn it around to there being something wrong with you, not them. Its insane, I swear.

I just can't be around that sort of thing anymore. I just cut them off.

Sorry you're having to experience this with your mil, after already having dealt with your mother too.

There should be a limit to how many of these types we have to experience!

sd

July 21, 2009
4:07 pm
Avatar
through_the_fire
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 101
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Thanks, SD. I'm sorry both your mother and father are like this. That's way too much. How/when did you figure out their modus operandi? It's hard when you're a kid.

No, there's no reasoning at all with a character like this. Telling a person like her that I'm hurt is useless, absolutely useless. She's a foolish, self centered, heartless person. Yes, she can have good moments, but essentially she's untrustworthy. When someone is incapable of ever admitting when they've screwed up, run for the hills!

Atalose == I reread all the posts and your "Don’t give her the stage she seeks" really pleases me. Wow, does that make simple sense.

Yesterday, while my sil was standing up for herself and trying to reason with her mother (my mil) I just felt so uncomfortable. My heart was pounding and I thought it only made sense to leave. I didn't want to walk out on my sil, and she didn't take much longer--- but damn.

Fire

July 22, 2009
10:46 am
Avatar
through_the_fire
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 101
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Get this!!!! My mil called and apologized to both my sil and myself. She said, "Forgive me. I acted crazy the other day, and I'm truly sorry."

Can you believe that?

She used the C word-- crazy--- which was totally on the mark!

Fire

July 22, 2009
11:37 am
Avatar
sdesigns
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 30
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Fire, thats great!

Owning up to what she did takes the burden off of you to have to deal with it. When people DON'T own up to it somehow we are the ones left to have to resolve it in our own minds and we are the ones with the turning stomach, loss of sleep, etc- when we are not the ones who caused the problem.

Thats how it should be done- with her apologizing. Now you can all move past it, you know you can resolve probelms with her and she'll be able to discuss it.

YAY!

sd

July 22, 2009
11:40 am
Avatar
atalose
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 18
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Wow that’s really good and as sdesigns said now you can all move past it.

These little gifts surprise us don’t they? LOL

Atalose

~~Hope has a place, but not above reality~~

July 22, 2009
4:28 pm
Avatar
through_the_fire
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 101
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Sdesigns and atalose,

Amazing, huh? You totally nailed it-- It is left to resolve in us, when people don't simply acknowledge what they've done.

She was never, according to her children, able to apologize in the past. The combo of old age, wanting to have good moments with people before she goes, and a kind, considerate bf, have turned her around. I still think she'd capable of craziness with no apologies, but at least this time, and with yelling at me for the first time, she apologized really well.

A curpise for sure.

Fire

July 22, 2009
4:50 pm
Avatar
fantas
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 14
Member Since:
September 29, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Fire,
awesome!!! I think the fact that you both walked out on her and didn't cower or apologize profusely, which would have given her more ammunition, might have made her think about her actions. Not only did you get an apology but she at her age has begun to honor boundaries. I try as much as I can not to engage with people who fly off the handle at the drop of a hat. I have a sister like that and I just tell her that I will only listen when she is respectful to me and walk out. She usually doesn't apologize but if whatever she is saying is important enough to her, she calms down because she knows I will walk away.

Here is the thing, if you feel up to it, thank your mil for apologizing. It will encourage her to keep doing it before she completely learns not to offend in the first place, although at her age she may not master that one.

July 22, 2009
9:09 pm
Avatar
through_the_fire
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 101
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Thanks, Fantas.

People have walked out on her, ignored her for months, years, stopped talking to her forever, but she has had her own pattern of bad behavior unchanged.

I think old age and a good partner make a difference for her right now. And can she mess up again with any one of us? Yes.

Forgiving her is enough, I think.

It really helped to write here and to be supported. Thank you so much.

Fire

July 23, 2009
11:57 am
Avatar
autumn128
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: 1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

(((Fire)))

I'm glad your MIL apologized.

I just think that most families are going to butt heads once in a while. It's part of the family dynamics of different personalities. You know the old saying, You can choose your friends, but you can't choose your family.

I learned many years ago when my parents went through their divorce, just how families can be. I was in high school at the time and I remember all my aunts and uncles on my moms side of the family turning on my father and talking crap about him. Witnessing that made me realize just how families can be.

I think when dealing with family members you have to take every situation with a grain of salt. Like you said, your MIL is old and set in her ways. I think the fact that you stepped back from the situation made her realize her own behavior and made her realize an apology was in order. Sometimes just giving people space is a good way to clear everyone's head.

Autumn

July 23, 2009
8:00 pm
Avatar
through_the_fire
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 101
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Thanks, Autumn.

Yeah, families. Can't live with them, but can't put a cap in their kneecaps cause you'd get too much time...

The ways my MIL is set in...ooooooo. She took MM's bar mitzvah money and went to Las Vegas,

What a character!

Hope you're doing well, Autumn,

Fire

July 28, 2009
10:10 am
Avatar
Lanigirl
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 161
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

"It is left to resolve in us, when people don't simply acknowledge what they've done." Love this. I am struggling with my MIL, long history there and I realize that yes, this is something I need to deal with. I was going to avoid her again but I believe that I need to offer up an olive leaf. She is not capable. I'm not doing this for her but for myself and it would bring peace to my H.

Thanks for your wisdom.

Forum Timezone: UTC -8
Most Users Ever Online: 349
Currently Online:
23
Guest(s)
Currently Browsing this Page:
1 Guest(s)
Top Posters:
onedaythiswillpass: 1134
zarathustra: 562
StronginHim77: 453
free: 433
2013ways: 431
curious64: 408
Member Stats:
Guest Posters: 49
Members: 111162
Moderators: 5
Admins: 3
Forum Stats:
Groups: 8
Forums: 74
Topics: 38716
Posts: 714574
Newest Members:
AndrinNetzer, MaarcusPedersen, MarcusPedersen, eyeconcepts, junwork52, whitedental
Moderators: arochaIB: 1, devadmin: 9, Tincho: 0, Donn Gruta: 0, Germain Palacios: 0
Administrators: admin: 21, ShiningLight: 572, emily430: 29

Copyright © 2021 MH Sub I, LLC. All rights reserved.
Terms of Use | Privacy Policy | Cookie Policy | Health Disclaimer | Do Not Sell My Personal Information