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Atalose,Sad Sack or anyone -need your input
February 19, 2009
12:00 am
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2BHAPPY
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I am trying to relax here..Yes, I will make my plans and do things on my own...and be independent.

Today I didnt hear from him at all and this causes anxiety...cant help it..remember past experiences wherein the relationship was getting really close, very intimate and then all of the sudden the man pulls away..I think with those men it was that they just didnt want a relationship and this was too serious so they pulled away.

I dont know about him..he has shown that he wants a serious relationship and is looking for someone to get married too..someone that he is compatible with and we seem to be very much.

I am mentally preparing to spend the weekend doing my own stuff and it is ok..I will look forward to spending time with him again the following weekend.

Just the beginning of a relationship can go either way and thats what scares me the most. Afraid to say the wrong thing, appear too needy, too aloof, etc. anything can turn him off.

 

 

2bHappy

February 19, 2009
8:20 am
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suse
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Hi 2BHAPPY,

I used to have a cuzzie (foam thing to go around cans to help keep the drink cold longer) anyway it said "how can I miss you when you're still here?"

My point is.. let him miss you.
Missing someone shows humans they care, whether you're man or woman.

Because men seem to need more space then women it may take a little longer but he will miss you, especially after the great weekend you had. 🙂

Just do things for yourself and try to not think about him to much. Thinking about him will make you miss him and you may end up calling him, which could make him feel pressured.

Let him call you next.

Silence doesn't mean he's rejecting you, he could just be busy or trying to sort his thoughts.

I hope everything works out for you

((((2BHAPPY))))

February 20, 2009
11:14 pm
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Well..there is something going on with him..he has changed all of the sudden..He was calling just about every day...introduced me to his family and from Tuesday on things changed. He hasnt called..Today he texted me to tell me he was hoping I was having a great day...not calling but texting. I just texted him back and said I was really busy with work and I was thinking of him, then he responded saying he was glad I was having a great day. This is not what I expected in a grown man. I really thought he was different and I wouldnt have to play these games. Im sorry but I've dated men in my past who were ready for a relationship and they dont change..they dont all of the sudden lose interest. We had this great weekend spent all 3 days together and now this? This is not right and please dont tell me that my expectations are too high..I've only had this behavior from the jerks I've dated...there is absolutely no reason for this behavior when we are both middled aged people looking for someone to be happy with. Maybe I overestimated him..the thing is that when he does surface again..my trust level has gone down and I will not be as loving and open as I was before.

One thing is not spending the weekend together..another is not even calling the way he used to...I do feel the difference in his behavior.

 

 

2bHappy

February 21, 2009
5:53 am
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Hi 2Bhappy
I've just started dating a guy after 3 years single and loads of therapy for co-dependance so I can relate. It is not that your expectations are too high it is that they are too low. He is going out with me so he must be a jerk. He says you are kind and generous. Bit uncomfortable for you? My guy says I'm smart and funny and have amazing eyes. I don't know what to say because I know it's not a line!! Be cool hang in there. I sent a cute text to my new guy on tuesday morning and didn't get a reply back until 10.30 at night but I found out later that that was when he finished work and he told me all about his crazy day when we met last night. The co-dependant in me was freaking out because he didn't reply straight away but as others have said he has a life.It may not be that your guy is losing interest it may be that he is relaxed and can send a little text to say hi when he thinks of you. Really you can't maintain calling every night and spending every weekend together. A healthy guy has other friends and interests and co-dependance is all about being glued together and it becomes stifling and there is no room to breathe. Has it occured to you that he needs to talk to his friends about the amazing new woman he has met? Allow some air between you. If he is a jerk he will let you down and you will know about it soon enough. You are doing the co-dependant thing right now. You are focusing on him and trying to work out his motives when all you need to do is take it as it comes. Be prepared to lose a relationship that isn't working but also be prepared to let it work. Let me ask you this, would you freak out if a friend didn't call for a week and just dropped you a text? Would you assume some terrible motive of rejection or would you just think 'Oh she must be busy we will catch up soon.' It is different with a guy I know but try to get a bit grounded about this. How do you feel around him? Does he make you feel good relaxed cool with being who you are? Or is there anything he has said or done when you are together that has upset you.My therapist used to say that you don't need to trust men you need to trust yourself. So if you focus on how you feel and if it's good or bad rather than trying to work out what he feels you will always be ok. It is really hard for co-dependants to do this. I have been argueing with myself because I think there must be a catch because he is so funny and warm and has no terrible issues that he needs help with. But I keep telling myself to shut up and have some fun, that it is not all about suffering and angst. Another thing my therapist said was don't mistake intensity for intimacy. Being together and peering into eachothers eyes all the time is intensity but intimacy sort of comes slowly and is warm and sweet and not heavy at all. Do not tell him you are freaking out as you could really be mistaken. Please take it slow and best of luck. As a co-dependant you are very loving and generous so he is lucky to be dating you. Have some quality time with yourself. He is only a guy after all! Wish me luck too!

February 21, 2009
6:36 am
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sad sack
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Hi 2Bhappy,

I understand how you are concerned as you have noticed a change in his behavior over the last couple of days (specifically, not calling every day). I wouldn't write him off just yet. I would suggest to just give it a bit more time. I would just ride the wave, so to speak. Perhaps, this is just his style. It doesn't necessarily mean that he is not interested. The above poster gave some excellent advice and made some insightful points. I agree with her in that it is very difficult to maintain the daily phone call thing and keep up the intensity of a brand new relationship. You had mentioned once before that he is very busy with his career and perhaps that is what is going on now.

From what you had described, it did appear as if the two of you were getting along very well. You had wonderful times together. There was mutual respect between the two of you. Because of that, I would just see where things go with this.

What concerns me is that you said you would act differently the next time you see each other. I would suggest that you don't "act" anyway other than what comes naturally. You wrote in an earlier post that you were "afraid of saying the wrong thing, appear too needy, too aloof, etc, anything that can turn him off." You shouldn't be screening your words, holding back the real you. You said you acted waaaaay too nice last weekend. Why not just be who you are and if likes/loves that, then great. If not, then he could move on. But at least he was presented with the authentic you. Don't be afraid to be who you are -- a wonderfully warm and caring individual. Yes, you have some personality flaws (specifically, some codie behaviors) but don't we all? Is there anyone out there who is perfect?

I just wish you wouldn't overthink and overanalyze his every move (or his every non-move). Your feelings may be right and in that case, you will move on and you will be okay. But then again, you may be way off base and the two of you will continue to enjoy each other's company. I do hope it is the latter. Bottom line: give this a bit more time and stop overthinking.

Have a wonderful weekend and enjoy your friendships.

Cailindeas, welcome aboard and good luck with your new relationship. You offered up some wonderfully wise and insightful points. You have a great attitude!!! I am looking forward to reading more of your posts.

sad

February 21, 2009
10:44 am
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Thank you Cailindeas and Sad for your words.

I didnt get to sleep much last night as I was so upset over this. This is not supposed to be happening as we talked about his last relationship wherein the ex girlfriend would always want to spend time on her own and would cancel weekends to be with him. I think I will ask a bit more about that because he sure let me know that he wanted to spend all is free time with her and she had a lot of issues...maybe he likes caos in relationships and this is too easy. When a man introduces a girlfriend to his family..you think he is serious and he wouldnt be playing these games....or perhaps he scared himself after the fact.

I dont want to be negative about this and I really hope that this works..but I cant help it...Usually this is the beginning of the end.

He is not busy at all..he just sits at home waiting for a call..if he gets called it is very intense and critical..but chances of being called are slim...I could have been sitting with him at his home waiting for the call..no big deal..He just chose to have his space on our 2nd week of dating...and he cant complaint that he didnt have fun because we did..he really enjoyed himself and we laughed a lot and he even wrote me an email after to tell me how he enjoyed my company. We talked about conflicts in relationships and how it was important that we work through our conflicts and not run away. If he felt he needed to take a break..he could have told me that.

The trust level has gone down..I cant trust him anymore and be sweet and all that I was before because I can no longer be myself after this. My walls will be up.

When we spend Valentine's together I never felt so happy..I had the flowers, the dinner, chocolates and then he surprised me by taking me to meet his father and then his daughter and letting me know how he lives and where so that I can be comfortable with him..so what happened from the time he left my house to now. I was on top of the world and then he brought me down.

I know he felt that he didnt get a lot done while he was with me and he needed to finish a project for work..but he had all day Monday to do that..he left my house early in the morning to get this stuff done. He also feels that I have much more energy than he does and he tells me that..said he feels like a middle aged man with a woman 20 yrs younger because I am always doing something, dont have to have a lot of sleep like he does..He goes to bed early and wakes up early..I could be awake till midnight. he is sleepy by 8:30pm. That is about the only big difference we have.

I am so upset and I hope we resolve this soon..Thank you for letting me vent as I am feeling so down and with the lack of sleep, its not good.

 

 

2bHappy

February 21, 2009
11:18 am
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CAMER
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2B...It seems like you are getting to wrapped up in this guy...this is a new relationship, and i think you should slow your feelings down a bit.

People need there space, maybe your bf had other things going on...you don't know that so don't assume he should have called you.

Usually when new relationships start, they should start off slow...talking everyday may not happen in the first few months...as time progresses, yes, talking daily most likely will happen.

your Honey D is who he is, let him be that way....and please, take more time for you, and things you like to do, instead of worrying why he didn't call. It seems like your codependecy is kicking back in.

Stick with your plans for the weekend, go out, have fun...and know that this man is only part of your life...not your complete world, and don't let him "not calling" take your mood away and worry...its not worth it...its a new relationship....let it grow.

(((sending hugs, camer)))

February 21, 2009
1:36 pm
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2B:

What concerns me is that you've had a couple of dates (good ones too!) and you went from that to instantly thinking you had a full blown relationship. And from that you have lots of requirements and expectations that you expect him to be fulfilling- right now!

You've just started dating and have no committment or mutual understanding of what you are pursuing. I say try to relax about it and see what happens.

I DO THE SAME THINGS YOU DO so I understand, I really do. In fact I probably blew it with the guy I was (am?) dating for the same reasons.

BUT in our defense- because your situation sounds very similar to mine- they come on strong with lots of calls and emails, etc, and then stop. Just stop, leaving us to think what the heck changed, what happened, etc. And I try to tell myself he's up to something, he's changed his pattern abruptly, why did he do it, etc.

I got afraid and angry and let him go because I couldn't take it. Then we had some serious talks and apparently we'll be seeing each other again. Even tho I feel stupid for how I acted I was able to express to him how his change in behavior made me feel, he has apologized profusely TWICE and we seem to have an understanding now. Initially we were in agreement that it was to be casual dating but he came on hard and fast and kept it up, and I got caught up in the feeling of all of that. So when he stoppped I felt like the rug had been pulled from out from under me.

Anyhow, when I read what you wrote, I had to think that some of these guys are implanted at birth with the same behavior chip on how they behave. They really don't understand thier own behavior or know how we react to it. So I don't think its all our fault when we react to how they change on a dime.

sd

February 21, 2009
4:21 pm
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2BHAPPY
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Ok..so he texted me today and wants to have dinner tonight if I had time for him..and I wrote back said yes I do have time for him...so I guess he missed me then.

Thanks for letting me vent...

 

 

2bHappy

February 21, 2009
8:55 pm
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atalose
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2b,

I so wish you can find the grey area in relationships otherwise you will continue to be your own worse enemy and eventually sabotage this current relationship.

You seem to see only black……….he’s not calling, he’s changing, he’s saying this or that, he must mean this……………..or white………he called, it’s great, he’s wonderful.

Hope your dinner went well and you relaxed and enjoyed yourself. All of good advice above, this is a new dating relationship and unless you both have talked about being exclusive to each other then what ever space he puts there you need to accept and not freak out about.

Atalose

~~Hope has a place, but not above reality~~

February 21, 2009
11:22 pm
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i'd not be available next time....i think having other things in life, friends...family....hanging out with you is all good.....don't rush this, from all i have heard, too much pressure on this relationship being what you want it to be....instead of letting it grow like a flower, slowly, etc....it reminds me of a past relationship..i used to get upset cuz he didn't call me every day or even every 2 days....he had a life, i wasn't his world....and he even told me to "get a life"....i knew that i was focusing too much on him calling,and him loving me....instead of me loving myself and being ok with NOT talking to him everyday.............2B, this is too new...take your time, stay busy, have plans, and work the relationship into YOUR plans. I know you have heard this countless times, i just think, we have all been there b4, and want to see you pace yourself.......so make plans with friends, family, yourself, and fit him in if need be, but don't make the relationship your whole world....cuz come 2 or 3 years down the road, when all the relationship is not "fresh and new"...you will want that time for you.

and i truely hope you had a good nite, cuz you are worth it!!!

(((camer))))

February 22, 2009
4:49 pm
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2BHAPPY
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Thank you Atalose and Camer..

I will relax now as I know that he is a great man and he thinks I am really great and genuine..he is a man of character and has never told me a lie...I had a great time last night with him and it just gets even better with each date. I keep thinking that maybe I will find a reason or something wrong and not be attracted to him but it just grows more. I have always been afraid of being afraid of commitment and I guess I would pick guys that were not good for me (player types, afraif of commitment) then it would end.

The reason for my reaction this week is because I have dated so many men who were losers and after a date or two, they start playing the not calling game and eventually disappear. I KNOW this one is different, but I am human and my subconscious takes me there automatically.

I will relax and take it one date at a time and enjoy it..It is so much fun each time I am with him. I have this list of the qualities that I've look for in a man and he has them all..even to the career. I've often thought that I was asking too much and the reason why it was so difficult to find someone.

 

 

2bHappy

February 22, 2009
5:47 pm
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sdesigns
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2B: I just HAVE to comment on this.

More than once I have posted to you on 2 dif threads - and am wondering if you intentionally ignore me- is that an intended snub?

Since you've done it more than once and on dif threads I'd be very curious as to why. But maybe you'll ignore this post too?

Odd.

February 22, 2009
11:16 pm
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I am sorry SD I did not mean to ignore..there were probably a few posts at the same time and I just responded to the last ones and I probably read it as you sharing something about yourself. I sometimes go in and out on this site cause I am usually working when I read them.

Thank you for your input and I hope things work out with your guy.

 

 

2bHappy

February 7, 2010
10:24 pm
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I need some help.

February 7, 2010
10:39 pm
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sandpipper
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I need some help.

February 7, 2010
10:46 pm
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saddoxie
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What's on your mind?

February 7, 2010
11:00 pm
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sandpipper
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Thanks for responding. I was on this site a year or so ago. Meet some great people. Have been looking in every now and again to see how things are going.

I just talked to one of my children, my second son. I thought we had a very good relationship. He has been though a lot of hard times. I have always been there to bail him out. And continue to help him and his new girlfriend. But was just told by him that I was the cause of all of his problem.

It was like a bucket of cold water in the face. He had always told me he loved me and appreciated what I did for him.

Why such anger and hostility? What have I done?

February 7, 2010
11:06 pm
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oh sandpiper I don't know what to tell you or what you story is. Did he give an explanation as to why he said that? or what brought him to say that?

I know you have to feel hurt and upset right now.

I wish i had more knowlegdge and advice to give you.
Atalose and sad sack are around here

February 7, 2010
11:18 pm
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sad sack
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Sandpipper,

OH MY GOODNESS!!!! I cannot believe my eyes! I have missed you a great deal. When I first came on this forum with my issues with my exbf, you gave me such wonderfully supportive advice. I never once forgot about you.

I am so sorry though, that you have come here with such a heartwrenching situation. Since you only revealed a very brief summary of the situation, I would hesitate to comment further (at this time).

I do have some questions: Did he elaborate when he made that remark? or was his comment as brief as the one you stated above? Did anything happen before he said those words? Did you have an argument of any kind? Could you elaborate on the statement, "I always bailed him out...". May I also ask how old your son is? ... Sorry, to ask all these questions, but I wanted to have a clearer picture of what has been going on.

I am not sure if you have been reading these threads, but I too, have had some issues with my son (now 21). I know how difficult it is to be a parent (much harder than I ever imagined). My son has said some hurtful things to me as well so I know how it cuts like a knife to hear remarks as those you shared(especially, after we have given so much of our hearts and souls to them).

Please come back and share a bit more. Atalose is still here (thankfully) and still as wise as ever. I look forward to what she has to say. But I know we can give more feedback if we know a bit more. Share what you feel comfortable sharing. We are here for you.

I have missed you terribly.

(((sandpipper)))

sad

February 7, 2010
11:23 pm
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no, actually it came out of the blue. I guess that's why I'm so devastaded now.

I have 3 adult children. I have always tried to be there for them. He has especially needed me and I have always been there for him. (Bought a house, a car and.....) I have been a single parent most of my life. His father has never even paid child support. But I am angry because I have always been there and his Dad was never there. Yet his Dad had done no wrong(in his eyes) and I am all to blame.

February 7, 2010
11:26 pm
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Sandpipper- I have to ask you how can any parent that helps out their child,be the cause of ALL of his problems? As you stated he has told you he loved you and appreciated what you have done for him, maybe he is having a really bad day I dunno. I however DO NOT think you are to blame for your sons problems. I personally say bless loving parents. I'd give anything to have some in my life. I wish you and your son the best.

February 7, 2010
11:29 pm
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Oh Sad,

I can't tell you how many times I have thought of you too. Every now and again I check in to see how you're doing.

I have missed you so much too. I guess we came to this site at about the same time with such a similar problem and found so much solace here.

You have been so faithful and such a blessing to so many here. You are a wonderful person.

February 7, 2010
11:37 pm
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aimeekins

Thanks for your perspective. I guess I just got so hurt by his words that I didn't stop to think of what he was going through.

Don't we all have issues that we blame on our parent? And I believe that we all did the best we could do with what we had at the time.

February 8, 2010
8:06 am
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Last night when I came to this site I was so hurt and angry I couldn’t think straight. I think I was a little in shock too.

My son is 35 years old. He has been in trouble many times due to alcohol and drugs. He dropped out of college the first day I sent him. And he has never had a job that offered a future. He has always lived from paycheck to paycheck and many times it wasn’t enough to pay the bills and buy food. I have tried to step back many times and get him to stand on his own feet. But I am co-dependent and couldn’t bear to let him go hungry or not have a place to stay. I bought a house and let him live there for half the rental value (which he doesn’t always pay). And just a few months ago I bought them a car and am allowing them to pay me back over time. (They, son and his gf, had been having car troubles for over a year. It had finally gotten to the point where they had no car and gf was having to ride a bicycle a long distance to and from work, not safe .)

My son has always acted like he loved me very much and really cared about me. And really appreciated me being there for him. We would talk almost every day. I thought we had a close and mutually caring relationship. Wow, was I wrong. Last night I called him up to see if he was watching the Super Bowl. He said he wasn’t but felt he needed to have a talk with me. I pressed him to tell me what it was about. I went to his house and we had a huge argument. I had never seen such fury in his eyes. He blames me for all the trouble he has had. That his life is all screwed up and it’s all my fault. He gave me a few reasons but the main one was that I made him move when he was just going into his senior year in high school.

That was true. I knew it would be hard for him but I didn’t feel that I had any choice. My ex-husband was physically abusing me and emotionally abusing me. I had just built my “forever” home and I was into my second year of running my own business and it was doing very well. But when my ex’s gf called to tell me about the two year long affair they had been having, that was it. I felt that for my safety and that of my kids I needed to move to where I had family.

That was a long time ago. Maybe that was the start of his problems. Maybe it is my fault. I had no idea he was harboring such ill feelings toward me. I feel like my heart has been ripped out of my chest. And I’m so angry. I don’t know what to do.

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