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Atalose,Sad Sack or anyone -need your input
January 22, 2009
10:49 am
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atalose
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All I can add to the great posts above is, impatience, work on why you rush things. Negative thinking and wanting to rush things will always lead to disappointment.

(((2BHAPPY)))

Atalose

~~Hope has a place, but not above reality~~

January 22, 2009
11:55 am
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ok...so I was feeling a bit frustrated last night when I posted.

I will follow your advise..be patient and assert myself a bit more.

Yes, he did buy when stopped for coffee a few months ago. He did mention his favorite restaurant and asked if I've ever eaten there and it is a very nice restaurant. I guess I should have asked him when he was inviting met.

Camer - he is the same man. How I feel about him? I think he is very nice, kind and good conversation and we have so much in common it is shocking sometimes. We have both been divorced for many many years for the same reason..infidelity.. We both dated someone on and off for a few years and it ended for the same reason...commitmentphobic on the other part. We have dated strange people....kind of same situations too. It would be nice to settle down and stop the dating games..It gets lonely sometimes no matter how much I want to "get busy" and I know he feels the same.

and Atalose...this is more than being patient...I have known him since August....been going hiking with him since October every other weekend for hours at a time.

I think that with him I have to be more assertive..whenever I ask him for something..he will do except for the NYE celebration of course. But this last weekend he cancelled his plans to be with me..so that was nice.

BUT my biggest fear in life is to be with someone who is cheap...I do like to shop, eat at expensive restaurans and travel the world..he does know that and he has mentioned he wants to travel.

 

 

2bHappy

January 22, 2009
12:45 pm
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atalose
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So really we are only talking 3 months here for the both of you to begin to get to know one another.

You may be onto something with being more assertive in what you want. Didn’t you mention that he had asked you out at one point but you turned him down? If that is the case then maybe he is preceding with “a friendship only” based on the fact you turned him down. Maybe he is remaining your friend in hopes you will let him know you want more then a friendship? Perhaps he is afraid of rejection, afraid to ask you out again.

Atalose

~~Hope has a place, but not above reality~~

January 22, 2009
1:06 pm
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sad sack
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HI 2Bhappy,

Is being with someone who is cheap really your BIGGEST fear?

I don't want to dismiss what you have shared, but I could think of so many worse qualities.

If you want to shop, travel, dine out in fine restaurants, then do so. You stated that you have your own money. That is the beauty of being independent. You get to do what you want with your own money. You don't need others to bank roll your life.

I am not clear on something. Are you expecting him to pay for all of those things you mentioned? (I won't make a comment about that, until you answer that question.)

I just think you are falling into that same trap (as last time). You are definitely rushing things in your mind. ("...it would be nice to settle down...") Go slowly. Be happy that you found someone you are so compatible with. I truly believe that if we are sensing the rushing, then he might be sensing that same thing.

You know we wish you well. Keep posting and we will keep supporting. We may not always say the things you necessarily want to hear but we are trying to be honest and open with you.

Bye for now. Have a peaceful day.

sad

January 22, 2009
3:45 pm
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It is difficult to be with someone who is cheap or lacks a generous spirit. There are "givers" in this world and there are "misers" or penny-pinchers. Frankly, the misers have always given me the willies. One of my (short-lived) marriages was to a man with enormous assets. He owned TWO multi-million dollar homes, worked part-time and was free to pursue his interests and live a good life. Yet, he would scream at me for TWENTY MINUTES, if I bought REAL "Tylenol," instead of generic.

He only took me out to dinner twice...each time, to a "budget" type restaurant. I come from a background which always included fine-dining in really nice establishments. I enjoy that. He knew it. Yet -- as soon as we were married -- he expected me to sit at home, seven nights per week...never dressing up, never going out. It was a miserable existence, trying to co-exist with a miser. He reamed me out one night for a total of THIRTY MINUTES of raging because I had spent some of MY money, having my son's room repainted. He believed that I had overpaid for the service and (literally) could NOT stop raging at me. That did it. I finally packed up my son and myself, returning to my own house where I could live in peace. I never regretted leaving him. It was a RELIEF.

My marriage of twenty years, prior to being widowed, was to a man who had a kind heart, a generous spirit and believed that money was merely a tool to obtain what we needed, provide us with enjoyment above and beyond our needs and also a vehicle of blessing for others. He was a powerful and selfless giver. I admired him a great deal and enjoyed life with him.

So, if you suspect this man is tight-fisted -- and you, yourself, have a more generous nature and a willingness to spend some of your hard-earned money on pleasures, such as dining in nice places -- put him to the test. If he doesn't want to take you to nice places or gives other clues of being "cheap," he is not the one for you. But you need to put it to the test, not just theorize. If he has asked you out and you turned him down for some reason, communicate to him that you have reconsidered and would actually LIKE to get together...and see where he chooses to take you. Also, watch to see how he treats others: family members, friends, etc. Does he ever host them anywhere? Does he buy thoughtful little gifts for them? Look for the clues. You're smart enough.

- Ma Strong

January 22, 2009
5:09 pm
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2BHAPPY
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Thank you Ma Strong for your input. I will put this to the test. The best way would be to go away for the weekend he has invited me to and see what happens. He knows that I like the finer things in life so he is talking about buying a new sportscar and a beach house..but we'll see.

He does have this one restaurant that he likes and its a very fine restaurant.

I am very much a risk taker and I invest in things..he is more conservative and he saves all his money...but now he is talking about investments..

 

 

2bHappy

February 2, 2009
4:22 pm
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atalose
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(((2BHAPPY)))

How are you and what's been going on with your friend?

Did you guys go away for a weekend?

Atalose

~~Hope has a place, but not above reality~~

February 2, 2009
5:27 pm
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Hi Atalose,

Interesting that you would ask. We went hiking as usual yesterday for 4 hours and we were talking about all of our past relationships and towards the end we started this conversation about how we are both single and so cautious and he was telling how he has not had a girlfriend in 2 years and how he would like to get married again..he was kind of nervous and I get the impression that he thinks I am the one being cautious..but letting me know that he was available and that there were no other girlfriend buddies that he hung out with...he never actually asked me "would you like to be my girlfriend" but rather is waiting for me to say something. It was a quick conversation because he had to leave for a Super bowl party and he knew I had to also go to another party...he really didnt want to leave...but the conversation was left unfinished. He said he was leaving it up to me to decide where we were going next time...

Now I am confused..I am not used being the once to make the move..rather the man always invites me on a date and this way he lets me know he is interested.

During our conversation he asked me what my plans were about the future and if I was planning on getting married..and I said that after waiting all these years it would have to be special and someone to enhance my life..not complicate it
and he said he felt the same way.

Now I dont know what to do.

 

 

2bHappy

February 2, 2009
5:31 pm
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2B
Sorry to cut in here. But I was/am the same way. I dont usually make the first move. I usually leave it up to whoever, so as to not get hurt. But I did come around eventually after much attempts from others. So maybe he is just taking his time and being a chicken. I say chicken since I can admit to beig one myself.

February 2, 2009
7:27 pm
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Thanks Billy...I think I do intimidate him a bit..now I dont know how to handle this..I do want to see him again this weekend..but not hiking..I would prefer to go to dinner and have a nice quiet romantic event. He is a really nice guy (kind of like you)..and we have a lot in common..but I have been alone for so long..this is a bit scary for me and he also hinted that it is for him too (said he hasnt had a girlfriend in 2 years).

I dont like the fact that when he finally gets the nerve to talk about us...its usually in a hurry..Why cant he just invite me out to dinner and just let the atmosphere dictate the moment..like that we can both tell we are enjoying the romantic moment.

Anyway..I wrote to him this morning just to mention the Super Bowl and he hasnt written back yet..he might be out on the field...so now have to wait.. So I guess I'll have to mention dinner then.

 

 

2bHappy

February 2, 2009
9:38 pm
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Well I say suggest dinner. Either making it or going out. But in going out, it kind of brings up the check. I think I read that you think he may be cheap, so its your call.

I am a chicken shit myself. My current gf has had to deal with a lot of my crap. Not sure why she does it. But it is hot when a woman makes a few moves. Just not THE move, as in popping the question, not that kills it. But thats just jumping ahead there.

Give him some time there. Might not want to look like he is desperate.

February 3, 2009
1:18 pm
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atalose
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2BHAPPY,

Did he mean he will leave it up to you as to where or when you go hiking again?

I’m not sure what you are confused about. I guess what I get out of what you shared about your conversation isn’t what you are getting out of it.

Atalose

~~Hope has a place, but not above reality~~

February 3, 2009
2:10 pm
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ok..so I wrote to him last night and asked him if he wanted to have dinner and he responded with a yes..that it would be nice to talk to me without having sore feet after.

So there..finally going for a date.

 

 

2bHappy

February 3, 2009
3:00 pm
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(((2BHAPPY)))

Have a wonderful time!!!

February 3, 2009
9:53 pm
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atalose
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((((2BHAPPY))))

WOW – I am so proud of you!!!! And I am so happy for you go and have a great time.

Atalose

~~Hope has a place, but not above reality~~

February 8, 2009
2:25 pm
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Ok..so finally went on our date..Before the date I was feeling doubts about my own feelings about him and if I really wanted to date him or not.

He picked me up and then we went to a few restaurants because the waiting list on a couple of them was long..so we went to a very nice Italian Restaurant and we had a very nice time..not awkward or anything like that because we already knew each other very well. He was very generous and insisted on paying the bill that was very high because I ordered wine for myself and dessert. So that was nice..then we came home and watch a dvd that he brought with him...and after the movie things kind of heated up.

Anyway...when I asked him why he never asked me on a date he said that he felt that things were so good being hiking buddies he didnt want to mess that up...so here we are making plans for Valentine's Day.
He is taking me to this other very nice restaurant that we both like. So now I know that we both like fine dining. We have so much in common and I trust him so much..he is the nicest sweetest man I have ever dated. If things dont work out between us..I know it will be me.

Anyway, I will keep posting as I know that things will come up as I have not been in a relationship in a long time.

 

 

2bHappy

February 8, 2009
7:45 pm
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atalose
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How wonderful for you my friend. I am so happy for you!!!! I hope your Valentines day is the best you’ve ever had!!!!!!!!

(((2BHAPPY)

Keep us posted……..

Atalose

~~Hope has a place, but not above reality~~

February 8, 2009
8:31 pm
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sad sack
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2BHAPPY,

I was very happy to read that everything seemed to have gone so well on your date.

He sounds great!!!

Keep us posted.

sad

February 17, 2009
11:39 pm
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Ok...now the fear is creeping in..Fear of losing yet another relationship. We had such a great weekend..he wrote to tell me how nice, kind and generous I am. He called me today just before going to bed and he sounded so tired but we spoke for at least 30-45 minutes..

I have had so many hit and miss..none like this man though..he is a real gentleman..and very understanding and communicative..but sometimes men like the challenge and when the relationship is too easy they get bored.

Anyway..I feel as though I should hold back now..not be so available. This past weekend we spent a lot of time together..but he didnt get a lot of the things he needed to get done for himself..I dont want to tire him out or be resentful because he didnt get to take care of his own things.

Arent there instances where the even though they are 2 nice people and the relationship gets ignited..then it goes nowhere. I dont want this to happen to me.

Anyway..wanted to post my fears.

 

 

2bHappy

February 18, 2009
12:20 pm
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atalose
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Fear is based on past experiences. All I can suggest to you is keep reminding yourself that HE IS NOT ANY OF THOSE MEN FROM THE PAST. This new experience is NOT like experiences from the PAST. And most importantly YOU ARE NOT THE PERSON YOU WERE IN THE PAST.

Make every effort you can to stop over thinking this and just let the natural ebb and flow to happen with this relationship. ENJOY TODAY, don’t fret about tomorrow and stay the heck out of the PAST…….

(((2bhappy)))

Atalose

~~Hope has a place, but not above reality~~

February 18, 2009
1:01 pm
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Well Said Atalose.

You are all so inspirational to me. I learn so much here.

I have grown and I seen that result last week when I walked away from a guy I was dating for only a month because he is hanging on to his past relationship and I felt like I was the leftover...but I did not stay and be the leftover.

YEAH for me. Growth for sure. Z

February 18, 2009
4:00 pm
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sad sack
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HI 2BHAPPY,

I read your post here and on the other thread (diet club week two) so my post is in response to a combination of what was written on both.

As has happened before, you have certain expectations of how this guy should behave and then when he doesn't follow your script, you begin to panic.

This time you are fearful because he chose to spend the weekend without you. As you said in your other post, "But I still think that we could meet at his house and if he is called...then he can just go and I'll go home...what's the big deal?"

Somewhere in your mind, you have the preconceived notion that couples should want to spend as much time as possible with each other. If one half of the couple feels differently, then there must be cause for alarm. However, healthy relationships are based on quality of experiences, not quantity.

So far, it appears that you are enjoying each other's company. Why can't you just enjoy the relationship instead of already thinking of "I need to hold back...not be so available... give him a little challenge." I agree that you should slow the pace but when you say things like that it makes me think that you are trying to manipulate the outcome. Just be yourself and accept him for who he is.

I read that you made plans with other people on the weekend when you found out you won't be spending time with the new bf. That is wonderful but I have to wonder why you did not make these plans before. As Camer said, don't make this guy your entire world. Keep your other friendships going strong. No one wants to feel as if they are merely a backup plan. He will respect you more if he sees you have a life outside of him.

As always, I wish you the best. I have been reading your posts and I was happy to see that things seem to be going well. Relax and enjoy.

sad

February 18, 2009
4:05 pm
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atalose
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OK, guess I need to read that other thread.......but anything with the word diet in it, I tend to shy away....LOL

How are you doing my freind sad?

Atalose

~~Hope has a place, but not above reality~~

February 18, 2009
4:06 pm
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Sad...I did have those plans before.. was going to shorten my visits with my friends and family...He did complain to me that the problem with his ex-g/f was that she wanted to spend a lot of time with her family and not include him and lots of time cancelled weekends with him and did not include him.

 

 

2bHappy

February 18, 2009
10:57 pm
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atalose
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2b,

I would suggest you DON’T start down that road called –molding, pleasing and conforming to what you perceive he wants. Shorten your visit? Why? Did he show displeasure with your plans? Did he ask you NOT to spend time with your family and friends?

You are not his ex GF your relationship with him is NOT that same relationship. This is way too new of a relationship for you to even be thinking like that. You are making assumptions based on something he shared with you about his previous relationship.

Have you cancelled plans with him to spend time with your family and friends? Have you NOT included him with family and friends? NO because this is too new so don’t start out trying to pick up where someone else left off you are not that GF and you are NOT having that relationship with him, remember that.

Atalose

~~Hope has a place, but not above reality~~

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