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Atalose,Sad Sack or anyone -need your input
January 6, 2009
12:20 pm
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2BHAPPY
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Sad Sack...thanks for your words..and the way I found out was I went back to the web site for these activities and some of the members mentioned what other groups they belong to.

Thanks Z...

Atalose....I have met women on these hikes and some have become good friends...I dont remember initially talking about our dating disasters..we dont tell each other how much we enjoy our company..we just hang out together..we talk about trips, news, politics, our weight of course...family, vacations. We laugh a lot..we get to talk about dating when one of us has a crisis..When we talk about what we want..we just want a nice man with not too much baggage....with the guy friends we meet at our activity..we talk about their hobbies, their work..vacations, kids, news...some are out of work so its about looking for work..some like to travel....and of course NEVER invite me on private hikes....so yes..I do get to meet many many people as I have been doing this for over 10 years....I have formed some long lasting friendships with both men and women.

I do feel foolish now because I took this this far and now I have to go back to this group and perhaps face him if he goes. Its going to be very very ackward.

 

 

2bHappy

January 6, 2009
12:50 pm
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2BHappy,

You can do this. Go back to your group that has brought you much joy and good friendships.

Okay good...you found out that there are other groups he/people belong to. Why not try to be in one of those as well, not to see him, but for you to meet different poeple and do different activities.

Man I need to join a group. I do bowling and softball is coming up, but I like hiking, dinner and theatre.

January 6, 2009
1:30 pm
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2B,

I am so sorry you are feeling like a fool but I don’t see any reason you should feel that way. But you know you better then anyone so if you think your codie behavior of being too eager possible got out of control then learn from it and move forward.

I just don’t like to see you beating yourself up so much over this and to have fear of facing him; you have done nothing to be ashamed of or of facing him eye to eye.

Maybe we can talk about those feelings and why you feel foolish so we can resolve them.

Atalose

~~Hope has a place, but not above reality~~

January 6, 2009
2:23 pm
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I am ashamed because my codie and my wanting to be in a relationship took over... I should be able to let people be...but this only happens with men...My girlfriends I would not have had a problem with inviting them or calling them...but men make such issue over this.

At this point..I just want to forget this ever happened and go on with my life..I am involved in a lot of things and quite busy...I have a lot of friends..but not that special someone I want to be with..and I have you guys for support...Not too many people know I really feel and the things I go through..people think I have this great life.

I have abandonment issues and when a man does things like this..it does bring a lot of unresolved issues in my life. I also feel that I attract men who cannot make commitments..In my age group there are a lot of men with issues which prevents them from entering into a relationship...When first started meeting this man..he said all the things you want to hear about what a man wants...he was very respectful of me...admiring of me..everything was going great until I made that stupid phone call for the NYE...that was a week and half ago and it seems like an eternity. I wish I could take that phone call back and I feel that the only way to neutralize this is to send a little friendly note..about nothing and by doing this letting him know that all is well...I really wont be looking at this situation in any romantic way...just regret I ever did...One lesson I have learned is that one has to look at the actions of a person..that their words. Perhaps he was working on friendship first and then perhaps dating down the road..but at our age..there is not a lot of time and I dont want to miss an opportunity with someone else while he is making up his mind. He even mentioned once that he has dated women who he thought were exclusive with him and turned out that they were sleeping with other men. So what if in the process of getting to know me..I met someone else and was going out with that person..I would have been accused of the same. Anyway..just rambling here.

Atalose, my friends do not write to me after we have spent an afternoon or evening to tell me what a great time and how much they enjoyed themselves with me and how they were looking forward to the next outing.

I dont think I misinterpreted a lot of things here..but I do know that I made a mistake in making that last invitation and wish I could take it back. Probably making more of this that what it is..but this is how I am feeling right now. It will pass, but I need to do some damage control here..as we used to say in the corporate world.

Thanks for letting me vent and allowing me to process this.

 

 

2bHappy

January 6, 2009
2:36 pm
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2BHAPPY,

I think I understand what you are feeling....This is why I have no urge to date. I never want to love anyone more than they do me!!

I have no great advice with you but I have been reading your thread because I think sadsack and atalose give some of the best advice you can get here.

January 6, 2009
4:00 pm
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I actually would feel much better about having just a friendship with this man at this point. At least it will be coming from an open relationship and there are no hidden meanings to anything.....When he talks about that wonderful woman he wants to find..I will also envision her as a 3rd person in our conversation. I know not to take things so serious when he talks and I am no longer confused about the real meaning. It was really causing me anxiety and perhaps this is why I kind of rushed things and now I know.

 

 

2bHappy

January 6, 2009
7:51 pm
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2B: Does he ever say what he's doing to find "her"?

How do you think he would react if you casually mentioned to him (if you ever talk again) that you were looking for someone? Or even casually mention your doctor friend and some event you attended?

sd

January 6, 2009
8:22 pm
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Thank SD

What would I say about the doctor? I did go out to dinner with the Doctor 2 weeks ago and I was supposed to spend the New Years with him..but I cancelled.

I did mentioned my doctor friend to him but told him it was just a friend and that he let me down one time and that was a dealbreaker for me. I think I will send him a very short email sometime this week just to clear the air..I dont want to continue feeling like this and believe me..I no longer have any romantic inclinations over him...this was another dealbreaker for me.

 

 

2bHappy

January 6, 2009
8:57 pm
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sad sack
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I am sorry but I don't understand what he did that would be classified as a dealbreaker?

Please forgive me but I don't believe you when you say you no longer have romantic inclinations. I think that, right now, you are feeling hurt that he did not comply with your time line. However, if you discovered that his rejection of you was all fabricated in your codie mind, then I think that there might be a chance for your heart to feel that extra something for him.

As I said earlier, you are so overanalyzing EVERYTHING!!!!! If you reread this thread, you will see for yourself, how you have become obsessed with your every action. You DID NOT commit the crime of the century. Stop acting as if you did. You invited him to a New Year's Eve function. He declined. That is it. It wasn't stupid nor foolish.

You say you want to communicate with him one more time to clear the air. Personally, I think the "clearing of the air" e-mail is premature. It may further complicate things. What's wrong with writing just a brief email such as those mentioned previously on this thread?

If he fails to respond to that, then, if you feel the need, send him that letter to clarify things.

I do wish you well. Mostly, I wish you peace as it appears that you are tormenting yourself over this situation.

(((2BHAPPY)))

sad

January 6, 2009
10:58 pm
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Sad,

the email is like you said...very brief...what I meant by clearing is breaking the silence..thats all.

dealbreaker is if he got scared because I asked him out..because I need the initiative. I like strong character.

 

 

2bHappy

January 6, 2009
11:46 pm
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Hi,

You don't know for sure that he got scared that you asked him out. That is an assumption on your part. Also, he could have a very strong character. The thing is you really don't know what happened. Obviously, only he knows.

I do hope that he contacts you again and hopefully, he will be able to explain what (if anything) has been going on.

You know I wish you well.

sad

January 6, 2009
11:59 pm
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Sad Sack..

You are so sweet and full of hope..maybe you are right. I dont know and I hope I do hear from him so that we can clear this up.

This one group is getting together this weekend so maybe he will show up. I dont know. Dont know if I should write that little note before or after this weekend..sure dont want to go there and feel uncomfortable. But then again...it would feel good if it was nothing and just my own thinking and I never wrote and let him wonder.

 

 

2bHappy

January 7, 2009
9:40 pm
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Hi everyone,

how about if I just dont do anything? Just wait for him to write to me as ask me if I want to join him....Today I was feeling as if I could do this..it would be so nice if he would reach out to me instead of me doing it....I keep saying to myself tomorrow I'll call and then tomorrow comes and think of the same. It would be nice if he could reach out to me as a friend..We did have some good conversations and he always thanked me after and told me how much he enjoyed out time together... I hope I can just sit back and wait..but my codie tells me that he will go away..that I scared him off...that I was acting too needy by calling him and I'll never hear from him again.

I know no one knows the answers to how people will react...but what are the chances that if he had a great time with me..thinks very highly of me..but perhaps thought I wanted more than what he wanted at the time..friendship.. What are the chances that he will reach out to me?

It is so hard to find people that are nice and compatible to date...it would be nice to wait and relax on this one..I hope I can do it.

 

 

2bHappy

January 7, 2009
9:48 pm
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Actually 2B I think thats a good idea, to do nothing. I personally like the taking turnsies thing when communicating in dating, so now its his turn. You called him the last time, wait to see if he calls or writes you back.

Use it as a test if you will to see if or how long it will take him to respond. I think thats a much better idea than writing an email detailing what you're thinking because you have no idea what he's thinking.

Maybe wait to see if he's at the next hiking event and see how he acts. Keep your ears and eyes open.

sd

January 8, 2009
7:21 am
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sad sack
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2BHappy,

If that is what you feel comfortable with,then fine. Wait until the next hiking event and see what happens. As has been mentioned, carry yourself with dignity and hold your head up high. Be cordial and self-assured and see what his reaction is.

Hopefully, he will pick up on your positive attitude and follow suit.

When is your next event? Did he always attend each and every event or did he pick and choose the ones that appealed to him?

I wish you well. And please stop torturing yourself over this. You are one special woman. I'm sure he sees this as well.

Please keep in touch and let us know what unfolds.

sad

January 8, 2009
11:32 am
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He may not know about this event coming up...only reason I know is because I looked at the site..so now I dont know..perhaps I should send him a note and ask if he got the notice to go and if he is going to go. I just dont want him to think (if he is) that I am upset because he turned me down. Actually this time I have taken to do a lot of thinking and it has been good. Perhaps he is someone who is afraid of commitment and this is why he is acting like this. I really dont want to think romantically over someone who is not as ready as I am. Also, all that talk about what he was looking for..at his age is kind of strange that he would be talking to a fairly attractive woman, who has everything he is looking for and then when she gives him some positive feedback..to run off.

 

 

2bHappy

January 8, 2009
3:30 pm
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atalose
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I wouldn’t e-mail him, he’s just as capable of checking the website as you were. If he’s interested in doing something he’ll seek it out on his own.

I think you are on to something 2BHAPPY when it comes to looking at him possible having issues of his own. He’s been single a long, doesn’t date much, etc. etc.

Keep remembering words are words and actions mean it all. He can say what ever he wants about woman and all but the truth is he doesn’t date and if he does it wouldn’t appear it’s exclusive.

If you run into him hold your head high and allow your own actions to speak not your words in an e-mail. Allow that strong confident woman to come face to face with him if he shows up at this event.

((2B)))

Atalose

~~Hope has a place, but not above reality~~

January 8, 2009
7:13 pm
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Well...I decided to do something before I saw him and let him know it was all well with me..just sent him a note saying "hope the new year is treating you well..the group is meeting at your favorite spot...are you going?

Hopefully that will kind of open communication again and we can move on with our friendship. I was just going on and off whether to write or not and so I just did it and got it over with..just a friendly note..I've learned a very good lesson and I will keep him as a friend only whether its just to say hi at the activities or just to continue to go hiking.

Feel much better now..if he responds then good..if not then nothing lost..nothing ventured, nothing gained. Feel so relieved now.

Now I have other issues to deal with.

 

 

2bHappy

January 9, 2009
1:12 pm
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2BeHappy,

I am glad you have made a decision and did what you needed to do and that you feel better now.

Next issue. Z

January 9, 2009
3:25 pm
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Thank you Z..Sad Sack SD and Atalose for your support in my week of turmoil that I created myself. I wrote to my friend and he immediately responded and was very cordial and wanting to know how I was doing. I will see him this weekend and I will treat this differently now. He wrote 2x today already.

I am feeling so much better!!

I do have other issues that I will write later on if they dont resolve, but thats a different thread. I have a friend who is an alcoholic and I need to let go of her.

 

 

2bHappy

January 9, 2009
3:29 pm
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Glad to hear it, 2B. See, I think you were driving yourself crazy and he wasn't going thru any of what you were thinking.

So, back on track and all will be fine.

I do what you do, with all the scenarios going thru my head and it usually ends up being absolutely nothing at all.

sd

January 9, 2009
8:54 pm
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Hi 2BHAPPY,

I smiled when I read your last post. That is wonderful news.

I think all of your worrying for the last few weeks will have been in vain if you did not learn anything from this experience.

Even though it is easier said than done, you have to try to stop overanalyzing things. You created so many different scenarios in your head, that you were worrying yourself sick. You were imagining this and that and for what??? FOR NOTHING!!!

So, I think this time around you will take things much more slowly. Accept where he is in this relationship, and see where things lead.

I cannot wait to hear more about your weekend. Let us know how everything turns out. Yes, and let us know what is going on with you and this alcoholic friend.

(((2BHAPPY)))

sad

January 21, 2009
11:59 pm
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Hi guys...just though I give you an update...that weekend was good..we hiked again and talked and talked as usual..then he invited me for the following weekend which was this last weekend which was a long weekend and he said he had already made plans but if I wasnt going anywhere..he would prefer to spend it with me.

BUT..things are not looking good..I think he is cheap and I dont like cheap men..I am a very generous person and it would conflict with me.

So this weekend we go to do our usual hiking together..picks me up at my house and we are off for 4 hours..since we were near the beach when I was up hiking I mentioned that I had not eaten since that morning so he says we should go to lunch afterwards...we climb down and drove home and he never mentioned the lunch..I was starving so just before we got to my house I had him stop at the local starbucks and I immediately ordered and paid for my sandwich and coffee..didnt even wait for him to offer. That evening I got the usual email to thank me and tell me what a great time he had.

So what I am guessing is that he is cheap and this is why he is not asking for any dates..this hiking thing is convenient..

He always talks about how much money he makes..how much money he has saved up..now he says he is going to buy a house near the beach and an expensive car...but he couldnt even invite me for lunch? I would have paid my own lunch anyways since we are just friends.

When he dropped me off he asked me if I wanted to go and spend a weekend up in the snow with him..that I could have my own bedroom if we went..Now I think that this would be very disappointing..probably have to pay half of everything..If I am going to do that..rather go with a girlfriend and at least have a chance at meeting someone there at least. Why go away with a male friend?

Anyway..just rambling here again..a bit disappointed. I really thought he was a great match for me..and I do think he does like me..he looked me up and found out my age too.

I will continue to ocassionally hike with him..but wont consider him romantically. ...Cheap men are a dealbreaker for me...especially when they brag about having money.

 

 

2bHappy

January 22, 2009
7:43 am
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HI,

Ordinarily, I would agree with the above poster when she said "trust your gut." However, in your case, I wouldn't go that route. The little bit I know of you (from following your posts) is that you tend to let your imagination concoct these scenarios that have no basis in reality.

The last dilema you went through, you went through at least five different possible scenarios and none of them turned out to be true.

You have no real basis that he is cheap. If you wanted to stop for lunch, then why didn't you just come out and say it? In the car, you could have said "I really want to stop to get something to eat." Yes, he should have thought to stop but perhaps he was having such a great time that food wasn't the first thing on his mind. It doesn't necessarily mean he is cheap.

And as far as inviting you to go away and then telling you that you can have your own room, I think he was just being respectful. He did not want to assume that you would be sharing a bedroom and everything else that goes along with that.

He obviously is interested in you. You seem very compatible. You have a wonderful time together. Why are you so quick to dismiss this relationship just because he did not think to stop for lunch.

You seem to expect him to behave in a certain way and then when he doesn't follow your script, you want to write him off. No man will follow your script to the letter. You have to accept him for who he is. He is a slow mover (that is for sure). What is wrong with that? If he was proceeding too fast, then we all would be saying "Hey, his desire to rush things is a huge red flag."

I say give this guy a bit more time. Assert yourself more and say what you want instead of expecting him to be a mind reader. Sorry, but I just don't see a case to terminate things just yet.

You obviously like each other. And from what you shared (before), it apprears that you are developing feelings for him. Relationships take time and a lot of effort (on both parts). So, he is not perfect. No one is. I am not saying that you ahould settle, but you need to give this a bit more time to see what develops.

I do wish you well.

sad

January 22, 2009
8:52 am
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hi 2B....now this is the same guy you used to post about, a month or tow ago... on about hiking and what not....that's pretty much all you guys do is hike, but have yet to "date" yet...i just want to make sure its the same guy.

I can agree with both posts above...but you have to decide if he is dating material or not. And I'd ask him outright how much it would cost if you did go this weekend..you don't know cuz maybe he has the place for "free" from a friend or relative, so it may cost you nothing.
I'd just be upfront.

Time to will tell if he is cheap or not, cuz i am sure there will be times when you will want to eat or even stop for coffee b4 or after hiking...and then see if he even offers to pay.

Some guys are cheap, some have alot of "toys" yet don't like to spend on others, kinda selfish....or maybe this guy is just trying to save for himself and sometimes forgets to offer to pay or what not, cuz you are only "friends".

Most importantly, decide how YOU feel and what you want the next step to be.

(((camer)))

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