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Atalose is at a lose....need your thoughts please....
June 29, 2007
11:51 am
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atalose
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My BF does personal training as a side job. This past spring he took on a client from the past who wanted to start training again. He trained her 3 times a week right after work and he began to count on the extra money each week. After a few months things began to change. She started to call him more frequently and I started to get the feeling she wanted more then training from him. He said she doesn’t flirt with him or say or do anything inappropriate while he is there training her so he wasn’t under standing why I was feeling like I was. Then the phone calls increased even more, her messages were starting to be incoherent and it was clear she was using and or drinking again. Her messages said things like you are so handsome and I can’t wait to see you next week. Another one said, since your GF works late on Thursday nights let’s make that our night and plan on hanging out together after we train. He realized he could not be around her any longer but felt sorry for her and wanted to talk with her about going into a re-hab and getting some help. She owed him money and he planned on going to her house for the scheduled Monday session (knowing her mother would be there) and telling her that the training was over. She of course was very upset inappropriately upset he thought and it freaked him out. Several days later she called to apologize and beg him to train her again. He made it clear to her that he was not going to jeopardize his personal life at all and that she had crossed a line and was intruding into his personal life with all the phone calls and messages. She got angry like a spoiled child not getting her way and yelled at him and hung on him. That was several weeks ago and the phone stopped until last Friday night. She left him a message saying: I don’t understand why we can’t be friends anymore and I don’t understand what happened and why you can’t train me anymore and I am sick and tired of hearing you say how your personal life is more important then your friendship with me, please call me I need to talk with you I thought you said we were friends.

We found out on Monday that she died on Sunday morning in a car accident, drugs were likely the cause. He has been riddled with quilt thinking that some how he could have gotten her help. He also has been questioning himself over and over if he did or said anything that may have lead her to believe anything different then what the reality of the situation was. He understands she was sick and the drugs made it all worse but no less it’s disturbing very disturbing to him. For me I feel so sorry for her young daughter and her mother and how there lives have been changed forever. I also feel selfish for having a feeling of relief that this whole situation which has been on going for weeks now is finally over. I certainly never wanted it to end this way it’s just been a very emotionally disturbing week for him and I and I just don’t know what to say or feel or think about it all.

Any thoughts???

Atalose

~~Hope has a place, but not above reality~~

June 29, 2007
2:07 pm
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making changes
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Hi Atalose,
That's a very sad story. It sounds like she was extremely troubled and developed an abnormal, obsessive attachment to your boyfriend. That is not his fault. There are some people who take any form of kindness and turn it into something more that what it really is. I don't blame you for feeling kind of a relief that it is over as she was in all honesty, stalking your boyfriend. As for how he should feel, he should not feel guilty at all for what happened, although I know that's easier said than done. It was her and her family's job to take care of her. I doubt anything would have changed even if he had talked to her. It doesn't sound like she was in a good place.

I wish I had more advice. I'm sure this has been such a difficult time for you both.

June 29, 2007
2:12 pm
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StronginHim77
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Your bf is NOT responsible for her using drugs, nor he is responsible for the tragic accident which took her life so prematurely. People make their own choices. She chose drugs and all the risk which being a user entails.

And your relief is very understandable...nothing to be ashamed of. You are not rejoicing over her death; you are simply relieved that your own relationship with your bf is no longer being strained by her invasive, "stalking" behavior.

June 29, 2007
2:25 pm
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mj
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(((atalose))))

I am impressed how you and your bf have such a open, honest relationship. You give me hope that it is possible. You both sound so compassionate but displaying healthy boundaries. I am sorry that you were affected personally in a professional relationship. A loss of human life is sad. Quilt can be a motivator or deterient. I hope you go gently on yourself.

June 29, 2007
3:01 pm
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risingfromtheashes
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I am sorry this happened. It sounds like your BF handled things appropriately.

This girl made her choices...and it's sad that she involved you guys in those choices.

your relief is understandable, don't feel guilty for it.

This person had others in her life that were close to her...if THEY couldn't get her to quit, I doubt your BF could have reached her either...especially cuz she was so attached to him.

People make bad choices, but don't realize how it affects others...it's too bad...cuz now she has a mom and daughter that will suffer for a LONG time.

June 29, 2007
3:46 pm
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sad sack
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Dear Atalose,

What a tragic story! My heart goes out to all who were affected by the untimely death of this young woman.

I have to echo the comments made my the previous posts. Your bf conducted himself 100% appropriately and should feel no guilt regarding what he could have done differently. It is normal to question one's behavior or actions at a time like this. In terms of your relief, I certainly could understand where those feelings are coming from. The important thing to remember is that you did not wish her ill will or serious injury. It was an accident and like you said, probably caused by her misuse of drugs.

I know you are supporting your bf right now. His immediate reaction was one of self-doubt and self-blame, but I think, in time, that will change. He comes across as a very level-headed individual. I do believe that deep down, he will realize that he is completely free from blame. But I guess it will take some time.

I am so sorry that this tragedy happened and is affecting your relationship. But you are such a wise and strong woman. I know you will get through this.

My thoughts will be with you. Please let us know how everything is going.

Sad

July 2, 2007
12:38 pm
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sad sack
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Dear Atalose,

I just wanted to check in with you. I hope everything is going as well as can be expected. I know you and your bf are going through some difficult times dealing with the tragic death of this young woman.

You have been so helpful to me and I wanted to reciprocate. I know there is nothing that anyone can do to take back what happened. But I just wanted to let you know that you have plenty of friends who will listen if you feel the need to vent.

We all wish you the best.

Sad

July 3, 2007
12:02 pm
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atalose
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Thank you all so much, it's been a very trying week to say the least. My BF and I went away for a few days to take a break from the day in day out routine and from all that happened last week.
He knows he is not responsible but tragedy of this has been over whelming. I guess I was feeling ashamed that her intrusion into ours lives was finally over. I think we both had prepared ourselves that taking the legal way with a restraining order was how this would have ended, not with her death.
He was always honest with me about this and I think the times we did argue were when I was beginning to see things about her that he wasn’t able to see. I often questioned myself at those times if it was my codeness and insecurities at work or were these things really happening. Those things were really happening and by the time my BF saw it, it had become a nightmare.
Thank you all again it really means so much to me. And Sad thank you for checking up on me. I’ll catch up on things here when I get the chance.

Atalose

~~Hope has a place, but not above reality~~

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