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At what point, in any kind of relationship, are you living a lie and need to get out?
March 20, 2008
10:54 am
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red blonde
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Whether it be a marriage, living together, friendship, or even work?

When do you really look at the 'situation' for what it is and leave it behind you?

Is it when there is no longer any communication, trust, intimacy? Is it when you start feeling miserable and lonely and alone? When you feel you are no longer loved or that you no longer love the other person or job? When do you give up the 'dream' or hope that things will change?

I am not talking about being abused physically...and perhaps not even being emotionally abused. I think I am talking about 'dead end' relationships. At what point does it become self abusive?

March 20, 2008
11:16 am
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red blonde
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I was just reading the study that they were doing on stress/high bloodpressure in married (I am assuming that this meant people living together as well) and single people. That if you are happy together, your blood pressure is lower and when you are not happy together...your blood pressure is higher ---- than those of a single person.

And that higher blood pressure due to the stress could put people at risk for health problems, etc.

March 20, 2008
12:01 pm
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luvmnms
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so, do you have high blood pressure? i know when i was going through troubles with my husband, i could feel the level rise, and i felt like i needed out!! he and his mother are codependent on each other and i was in the middle. it caused great strife in our relationship and i was on my way out.

my husband had a choice to make and he chose his marriage over his mother. we are still working on issues but i can actually feel the stress level decrease along with my blood pressure.

i can honestly say that my health was not worth the risk. i have too much more living to do and i want to do it happy!!

i think if you are contemplating leaving because of undo stress, you already have your answer.

March 20, 2008
12:34 pm
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red blonde
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luvmnms

No, actually I have low blood pressure and stress does raise it, but it also has caused other health problems.

I was just thinking back over my relationship with the xbf...and why I stayed in the relationship. He was, as I see it now, narcisstic, emotionally and mentally abusive (as well as 'gaslighting' me). The first 3 years were good, although I realize now that it had always been about just him. In the last five to six years of our relationship...I was miserable, unhappy, didn't feel loved or wanted or even that I was desirable by him. I felt very lonely and alone with him which got to the point that I stopped going to bed at the same time with him...would stay up later and later and later...and alot of the times, I would just cry. I am an extremely loyal person when I love and care about someone.

Looking back at other relationships, and that includes work, I have stayed in alot of them longer than I should have because of that loyalty.

I probably would have stayed in the last relationship with my xbf (or significant other), if he had not cheated on me. And I know of others who have stayed in relationships/marriages that were very unhappy, 'because of the kids' (which is a crock because the kids are affected), 'because of the fear of losing everything'(what is worse than losing yourself and your right to be happy, etc.? 'Things' can be replaced!) or 'because I am afraid of being alone' (and what is worse than being alone? Being with someone and still feeling 'alone' is better?), or 'because I don't want to hurt the other person's feelings' (Isn't that living a lie? Aren't you already hurting that person due to withdrawal of your feelings or intimacy from them?)

These are all questions that I am asking myself...
,

March 20, 2008
12:43 pm
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red blonde
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I am just mulling over things in my mind.

I suppose at some point in my relationship with my xbf and even if I had stayed after he cheated on me, I would have become bitter and resentful of him because I would not be able to trust him again, would not be willing to 'forgive and forget' - I could 'forgive' perhaps but I would never 'forget' and if I was not willing to 'forgive', I think I would start to 'punish' him, like holding that over his head and making him feel ashamed or guilty. That is not anyway to live either.

March 20, 2008
1:23 pm
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luvmnms
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hi red blonde--

so, this is all stuff that happened in the past. can i ask why are you thinking about it?

isn't it weird how we can look back on a situation and see all that was wrong with it and wonder why we stayed sooo long. i guess it is good to know how you feel about things before you actually find yourself in the middle of a mess. i always had the problem of remembering why it was so bad and found myself putting up with the same stuff just with someone different.

i am very lucky that i have found someone who loves me very much. i asked god to send me someone who loves me as much as i love them, that was always a problem for me, i lost myself in a relationship and it never seemed to work out. i was also asking for the wrong things. so when i finally decided i wouldn't care what they looked like, what kind of a job they had, as long as they had one, and concentrated on the feelings of a good relationship, i got what i wanted and needed.

i learned to set boundries for myself, my husband doesn't like it but but i learned that i need to look out for myself and my own happiness. as far as work goes, you need to do the same thing and realize that they look out for their best interests and wouldn't think twice if they needed to lay you off. your loyalty doesn't really play a part to them when it comes down to dollars and cents. sad way to look at it but it is true.

March 20, 2008
2:51 pm
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stamp
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red blonde,

I suppose at some point in my relationship with my xbf and even if I had stayed after he cheated on me, I would have become bitter and resentful of him because I would not be able to trust him again, would not be willing to 'forgive and forget' - I could 'forgive' perhaps but I would never 'forget' and if I was not willing to 'forgive', I think I would start to 'punish' him, like holding that over his head and making him feel ashamed or guilty. That is not anyway to live either.

I did this. I accepted him again after he left me for someone else and they left him. I feel that i'm slowly falling out of love with him but then again, I don't want to be alone. We really have nothing in common. We don't even kiss and making love is just something to do.I'm not even caressed or held. I'm just there and i wonder if he did this with her. He used to do these things with me. and I ask why do I stay can someone figure this out for me.

March 20, 2008
7:28 pm
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truthBtold
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Red Blonde,

Boy oh Boy - did you term of "Loyalty" strike a chord with me girlfriend!!!!!!

I too had been "excessively loyal" - much to my own detriment.

BUT - when we know better....we do better. So recognizing this is quite a positive step in the right direction, even though it probably doesn't FEEL that way right now.....

You know - this whole loyalty business reminds me of something I read in one of Wayne Dyer's books: "Pulling Your Own Strings."

There is a whole chapter dedicated to the subject: "Never Place Loyalty to Institutions and Things Above Loyalty to Yourself."

Excellent read on the subject!!!!!

To that I would add not too have EXCESSIVE loyalty towards people as well when it isn't rewarding and healthy for you.

((((Red Blonde))))

March 21, 2008
3:22 pm
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newday1
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too true-the comment about them not thinking twice about laying you off if they are having doubts agree 100%. i hung in there through thick and thin with my xbf......and in the end he didnt think twice about dumping me. when push comes to shove,they dont be long about giving you the push. message is dont stick around...........easier said than done.

March 23, 2008
12:53 am
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guitargirl
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I left my relationship because he caused me to cry so much my heart was having problems. I already had open heart surgery and didn`t need more stress. I have finally been able to leave him. It`s really hard but I know my blood pressure was going off the charts when he was around.

March 23, 2008
10:27 pm
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_anonymous
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redbonde- At least once a day the thought crosses my mind. Mentally I have gotten out. One day my physical body will catch up.

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