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At war with my STBX
February 28, 2006
9:57 am
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Lt4Others
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nvr,

You've sure been through a lot! Your survival is testament to your strong character. I can relate to the episodes you describe. My STBX pulled similar stunts, but not as extreme. I, too, was under a restraining order for a while. By her own admission, my STBX claimed there was domestic violence when it was nothing of the sort. Later, during reconciliation, she agreed to have the order rescinded. Even though I gave her $1000 to cover legal fees, she never did. During one of her ensuing attacks, I called the police. They discovered the protective order and, even though I was the victum, they hauled me away. It was a low point in my life. It was also the time I realized our marriage was over. Fortunately for me, a judge found me innocent and lectured my STBX on abusing the legal system. It turned into a victory for me.

I'm glad that both you and I were able to move on from these low points and rebuild our lives.

Be strong...and be well....Lt

March 1, 2006
5:36 am
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That is funny! My STBX used that same $1000 to get him to drop the RO! I would not do it, and he eventually did...because I would not talk to him anymore about anything..and it drove him NUTS!
I was stunned and lost, very low point in my life too, I did not understand how the legal system could do this. (NOR how he could!)
I would love a judge to lecture him..he has done a lot of damage, has tried to get me back, but then had other women on the side.
It was a crazy time, emotions were high and he was all about 'getting back at me'!
Now, we are friendly, he has never apoligized for doing what he has done, and I don't even know if he has remorse for it!

but I am determined to get this divorce over with and he may have won the battle, but he will NOT win the war!

Very sad that the lawyers are the ones to make money in all of this and my 2 innocent children have to feel the effects!

Funny thing is, I don't tell too many people about the restraining order, because I feel like a criminal. and I know I did NOTHING wrong, but what it does to your self-esteem is frightening.
Also, because of all the emotional abuse, I felt like I deserved it, that I was a bad mom, and that he had every right to treat me like that.

Not too long ago I told him...'the restraining order was the best thing that ever happened to me...look at what you and your lawyer have done...I have a brand new house, I got a promotion at a major company, I travel, and I have a peaceful life'

THANK YOU VERY MUCH! 🙂

March 1, 2006
11:13 am
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nvr,

You got it exactly right! The restraining order was the defining moment. It was a shock to my system, but I adjusted and survived. It made detachment sooooo much easier. I knew there was no going back. I didn't want to worry about a "next time", when things would only be worse. You are further along in your divorce and recovery. I only hope my outlook stays as positive as yours.

I read this weekend about those with BPD and/or NPD. Some will harass and abuse their mates to the point the mate responds. Then the BPD/NPD will claim THEY are the victums. It's all part of crazymaking. It sounds like you have I have both been there. The good news is that we survived and are no longer subject to the day-to-day abuse we once were.

Have a great day.....Lt

March 2, 2006
9:53 am
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That is SOOOO true...my stbx would sit on the phone with his lawyer and I would hear her...'what is she doing now? has she touched you?'
They were WAITING for me to do something!

I go back and forth on my recovery...we have kids together and have to talk a lot and make plans for them..we will be doing that for many years!

now he realizes that he cannot 'get to me' anymore...I am the strong one in this whole thing and he now sees it.

Funny how what 'goes around comes around'
he will get his one day!
🙂

March 2, 2006
1:09 pm
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nvr,

I'm realizing something from our discussion. Some of the barriers we put between ourselves and our abusers need to be emotional/procedural, but some also need to be physical. As long as I lived with my STBX, I was subject to her continuing harassment and intimidation. The fact that I put up an emotional barrier made no difference to her. She would escalate the abuse until she got what she wanted. It wasn't until I moved out and there was an actual physical barrier (i.e. a locked door) between us that I was really safe.

That was a major revelation to me. Until I met her, those in my life were reasonable, sane individuals who would respect me as a person. My STBX, on the other hand, received perverse pleasure in violating the emotional barriers I established for my own peace of mind. Like you, I'm in a MUCH better place these days!

Dreaming of justice in the long run.....Lt

March 2, 2006
9:20 pm
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That really makes a lot of sense
I feel SAFE now!
he cannot bring me down with his attitude...nor his abuse!
we are in a better place...and it drives them nuts!

Justice...hmmmm
I hope there is some!
Keep me posted!
nvr

March 3, 2006
6:02 am
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nvr,

I realize that not everyone buys this concept, but I believe in karma. Sooner or later, the bad things we've done catch up with us. It's sort of celestial justice. That's what I hope our ex's experience. If/when that day comes, I will take no joy in their sorrow, but I will take some satisfaction that the Higher Power is imposing an attitude adjustment.

Be well.....Lt

March 3, 2006
7:25 am
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That is SO true...do I want to see them suffer...no...what I really want is for them to feel some of the consequenses of their behavior..do I want to see him have a heart attack or do something stupid..no, I don't wish that on anyone.
That is where I have empathy and he does not.
my stbx was telling me that he is having numbness in his arm...I told him to go to the doctor! I am a Cardiovascular Project Manager...I know what can happen...

but it would not make me feel better if he had a heart attack.
no...we have 2 kids that I would not want to explain that to.
they love their dad, and it is their dad...
but I did tell him that if he went and got some tests, he might find out if he did or did not have a heart!

🙂

March 3, 2006
7:34 am
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hopeful for change
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Just rad your post. Its weird my h (soon to be x) only cares about money to. I keep telling him money doesnt buy me happiness or fix things. Yet he goes out and buys me a dog that cost 2500.00 because he fekt bad. The house the miney doesnt buy me, I have feelings and emotions,,,he doesnt want to deal with them..he's like heres some money..thats his part in the marriage. Maybe we could set them up sounds like they would be a good match.

March 3, 2006
8:29 am
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ohhh...that would be a bad pair!
can you say 'bankrupcy'?
Funny!

March 3, 2006
10:10 am
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hopeful & nvr,

You're right. They would make a FINE pair. If they didn't kill each other, they would spend more than the gross national product!

Trying to use money to soothe unrelated problems seems strange to me. I value hightly a person's character and how they use it. Acts of kindness don't require a price tag.

Lt

March 3, 2006
10:32 am
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I agree Lt...I would rather have the nice person, than the money
it does not buy happiness...but they keep trying!

I would rather have security.
but that is just me....
the personality is much more important...money comes and goes!

A person's character is with them forever!

March 3, 2006
12:32 pm
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nvr,

I agree with your comment about personal character. Unfortunately, I've chosen mates who had weak character. That's something I need to work on in the future. A friend once made me promise I would never settle for less than what I really wanted. Sadly, I did just that when I married my STBX. She's physically very attractive, but lacks a strong moral foundation. As such, she adopts an "ends justify the means" attitude. She either shifts the blame for her actions or desperately tries to find ways of justifying them with bizzare logic. She really doesn't know what will make her happy in the long run. Once more, this is very sad.

Namaste.....Lt

March 3, 2006
6:35 pm
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Life can be interesting. A couple of weeks ago, I removed several of my items from the house my STBX and I own together. I moved out last fall (long story) and she lives there with her daughter. All of the services (telephone, utilities, cable TV / high speed internet, etc.) were in my name. In order to discontinue cable service in my name I needed to remove the cable boxes and return them to the cable company, which I did. While I was at it, I also removed the cable modem and wireless router with which my STBX and her daughter connected to the Internet. That's where the fun starts.

You would have thought I committed a crime or something. She's STILL furious that she cannot connect to the Internet. I will say that I get far fewer nasty email messages now that she has no Internet access at home. I suspect she will bite the bullet soon and restart cable service. She may even sign up for high speed Internet access, although I'm not sure she can afford it on her own. What she lacks is the technical know-how to configure a wireless router. Every day for the past two weeks I received at least one nasty email (sent from her computer at work) and one nasty phone message nagging me to return the wireless router.

I have no intention of doing so. For one thing, I purchased the router before we were married. She has no right to it. Secondly, I'm not going to make it any easier for her to harass me or to check her online dating account. Why should I?

I know this seems childish, but after all the nasty, rotten things she's done to me, it seems like a little taste of justice.

Done venting....for now.....Lt

March 3, 2006
9:03 pm
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Way to vent, Lt....you had every right to these things. They are rightfully yours. She's an adult. If she wants cable and wireless internet connections, she can call the company and get an account in her own name. I had to do just that when my ex left. I transferred all utilities into my name. From what I remember, your STBX makes enough money and gets enough child support to afford high speed internet....it's down to around $15 a month in my area. It is a luxury though, if she can't afford it, too darn bad. She has access to the internet at work if she needs it.

Way to stand your ground. I call that getting in touch with my inner b**ch, something that took me 40 years to learn to do. Don't really care what people think of me when I won't let them walk all over me....

March 4, 2006
9:21 am
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I talked with my 17 year old daughter this morning. I played a few of the voicemail messages her step-mother (my STBX) left. She was shocked, as such behavior was not exhibited publicly. We talked more about the events that took place over the last two years. It helped my daughter put things into perspective.

My daughter and I are very close, but differ greatly in how we acquire and process information. I'm a scientist and very oderly. She's goint to art school on scholarship next year, so she's very spontaneous and creative. She's using the divorce as a focal point for her final art project in high school. It's fascinating listening to her describe the composition and media she's using. She took one of our moving boxes (symbolizing having to leave our home) and applying a collage on all surfaces. She took an old picture of my STBX & me and ripped it in half, symbolizing the break-up. I could go on, but you get the idea. I didn't realize the breakup was effecting her this much. This morning's discussion has been enlightening to me.

Lt

March 4, 2006
9:33 am
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That is a great way to vent and in an adult manner let someone know what is really going on!
JUST when I thought things were going well with my stbx..I get a call last night, he is drunk..and accusing me of drinking and leaving the kids. Which I did not do!
you could hear the anger in him..I had to call him again at about 10 pm..telling him that his daughter was sick and I might have to take her to the ER...do you think he called back..nope!
and it is 8:30 here and STILL not calling to check on her (I did not have to take her in)..
his telling me what a 'drunk' and 'bad mother' I was...
I see where his priorities are!
I will not answer today if he calls, until tonight to talk to the kids...
he thinks I have my mother in town to go off with my boyfriend!

but he does it all the time to his family and I stayed around....
they do not know how to figure things out on their own..and their minds work in odd ways...
I have stopped trying to figure it out!

stay strong!
(PS...I hooked up a router and internet..and cable, electric..built a house...so I am guessing we figure it out if we have to!)
on probably LESS money than your stbx!

March 4, 2006
2:24 pm
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nvr,

Sorry to hear you're having problems with your STBX. I'll be honest. I don't understand his behavior. It seem very strange to me. Both of my children live nearby with their mother, but visit me often. If one of them was going to the hospital, I would certainly want to know. If I couldn't be there, I would be checking their status as often as possible. Is your STBX close to your daughter? Has he shown that type of behavior before?

You're right about hooking up a cable modem & wireless router not being rocket science. My STBX is just too lazy and impatient to try. She wants someone else to solve all her problems for her.

I hope the rest of your weekend is less stressful. My two kids are with me this weekend, so I'm having a great time. My son and I just returned from the gym. Both of my kids are good buddies to me. We get along well, talk often, and share deeply with each other. It's a blessing I value highly. When it comes to the divorce, they help me cope and stay centered.

Peace be with you.....Lt

March 4, 2006
4:55 pm
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Lt...it's great that you have such a good relationship with your kids. They are lucky to have such a great dad.

Some kids are not so lucky. My kids are supposed to be with their dad this weekend. My daughter (12) is there, not really because she enjoys spending time with him but because she is a pleaser and doesn't want him to get mad at her. Her words.

My son (15) is with me. He rarely goes to his dad's, and when he does, it never lasts for more than 12 hours or so, and they get into an argument about something or other. They never got along prior to our divorce. Last fall, my son was very, very sick. He had a fever of 102-103 for about 12 days, and the doctors didn't really know what was wrong with him. I called and emailed my ex every day to let him know what was going on, but he only called to check on my son 1 time in the 3 weeks he was sick. It was pathetic. My son needed new contacts, and since we split the cost of medicals 50/50, I called him to let him know how much it would be. He told me that my son should just wear his glasses, because contacts cost too much. He argues with me about paying for anything they need. It's all about money.

nvr...I'm sorry your ex can't be a caring dad when your kids are sick. Just let them know you will be there for them when they need you. They're lucky to have you.

March 4, 2006
6:30 pm
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ready & nvr,

I think it's really sad when kids are caught in the middle of a divorce-related conflict. My kids are pleasers too. Fortunately my first divorce was on reasonable terms and we've always been able to cooperate where the kids are concerned. If one of them needs something (e.g. contacts, braces, glasses, summer camp, etc.), we split the cost 50/50.

My second divorce is not proceeding cleanly at all. The good news is that there are no children from that marriage. The bad news is that our children from past marriages are witness to the ugliness divorce can become.

An example is this afternoon. My kids have been in and out of the apartment all day. My son left the door unlocked, knowing that we would be leaving in a few minutes. Unfortunately, my STBX showed up. When no one would answer the door, she let herself in. I asked her politely to leave and escorted her to the door. There was no shouting or violence, but it freaked my kids out. We felt the apartment was a sanctuary from my STBX. We all feel mildly violated.

Have a great evening.....Lt

p.s. I hope your sick children get better soon. I'll keep them in my prayers.

March 4, 2006
10:08 pm
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Well, I just got another dose of "crazymaking". My STBX called my cell phone earlier tonight and left a voicemail message. She followed it up with a short email message. In both, she stated that she plans on withdrawing her divorce suit. According to her plan, if I want a divorce, I'll have to file new paperwork. Needless to say, I'm not pleased with her choice. I'll check with my attorney on Monday morning to see what our options are.

Stay tuned.....Lt

March 5, 2006
12:29 pm
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As long as we're on the topic of "crazymaking", I got a call from my STBX this morning. She invited me to the townhouse after her daughter goes to work this afternoon. She mentioned buying two (fetish) outfits she wants to model for me.

What is she thinking? This is so strange that it's scary! There is NO WAY I'm going to even return her call, much more pay her a visit. It's obvious that she's trying to tempt me with sex. If we have sex, it only delays the time legal separation starts. Right now, she wants to stretch this marriage out for as long as possible. I, on the other hand, what it to end soon.

grrrrrrrrr......Lt

March 5, 2006
1:54 pm
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Stay strong, Lt...it sounds like this woman is extremely unstable, and dangerous. She'll use whatever it takes to get what she wants, it seems. I am sorry that your kids have to go through this, as I know that it affects them. Stay calm, and rational, and talk to your attorney. She wants hysteria and craziness...don't allow it to come to that.

March 5, 2006
3:19 pm
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Thanks ready. Yes, she is dangerous. She also has no morals. Having my kids around actually helps. My son and I worked out again today. That helps fill my spare time, as well as strengthening my body. All of this helps me deal with her crazymaking.

Peace....Lt

March 6, 2006
5:27 am
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me again!
My daughter is doing well...I am beginning to think it was a panic attack (she is 11) and I did not talk to my stbx until Sun morning, he wanted to talk to me on Sat and I hung up on him...Sat Night I got the nastiest letter from his lawyer...
saying of ALL things that I (ME!!!) am holding up this divorce and that she thought I would be open to settling, but obviously I am not and I am being unreasonable!! It was a 2 page letter!!! implying that I am dragging this divorce out for 2 YEARS.. (I DON'T THINK SO!!)
It was utterly ridiculous!

When my stbx finally talked to me on Sun he said...'are you ok? you seem to be very short with me lately'...
no DUH!!!
I told him that it is the most unbelievable thing that I did not hear from you until 12 HOURS after I left the message about your daughter having chest pains and that I might have to take her to the ER....'

he said he did not get the message until the next morning, I told him that was NO excuse! you are a FATHER, and if something happens to the kids, you need to be available!
I had my son to the ER earlier in the week because he had something wrong with his eye.
He did not show up to that one either.

I, also, told him that I do not want to talk to him anymore unless it is about the kids...'if you call when I do not have the kids, I will assume it is an emergency, and if it is NOT, I will hang up on you'

I told him that I do not want him coming into my house anymore (he would come in the entryway to wait for the kids) and he should call when he is close to the house, I will bring the kids out.
I did tell him too that him and his lawyer were MADE for each other and that I hope they live a happy life together!

They have made such STUPID statements that I cannot believe that she can practice law.
His lawyer is making SO much $$ off of this guy...why can't he SEE what she is doing?????

I have to explain one thing..when he filed the Restraining order...I was kicked out of my house, with NOTHING (I still have not gotten anything out of the house, 2 years)...
no place to live, and no warning.

In that year, my stepfather helped me build a house (it is in his name..because my stbx wants 1/2 of it and we figured that there is no way he could touch it that way)...
in this letter from his lawyer...they want an apprasial of everything in my new house...and any storage units that I have.

How can this happen???? I have had to rebuild a complete life with NOTHING...and he still wants 1/2 of it!!! NONE of the items in this house were ever his, do they not remember that I was kicked out with NOTHING?????
I stayed in hotels for 2 weeks until I found something to rent!
He had to make NO adjustments in his life...he has had our stuff for 2 years!!!! I had to buy everything!!!

I don't get this, I will not let them in my house, and it pisses him off that I am doing so well...I don't know what he wanted...but I am guessing that he wanted me to give everything up and go away.

Talk about disordered people! He is at the top of the food chain and will eat anything in his way..even his own MOTHER!

Sorry about the long story..I could go on and on...

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