Avatar
Please consider registering
guest
sp_LogInOut Log In
Lost password?
Advanced Search
Forum Scope


Match



Forum Options



Minimum search word length is 3 characters - maximum search word length is 84 characters
The forums are currently locked and only available for read only access
sp_TopicIcon
At war with my STBX
February 22, 2006
6:52 pm
Avatar
Lt4Others
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

I knew it would eventually come to this, but it's still painful. After two failed attempts at reconciliation, my wife (Soon-to-be-ex) and I are at war. I met with my lawyer yesterday. We concluded (as some of you already had) that it was no longer necessary for me to pay for services in our townhouse. I've had my own apartment for the past four months and paid for these services, as well as the mortgage, during that period. She now has a job earning $40K per year. It was time for some changes.

Yesterday, I had my name removed from billing for phone service to the house. Today, I waited until after my STBX went to work and her daughter went to school. I then entered the house and disconnected the cable boxes, cable modem, and wireless router. I need to return these to the cable provider to have the account in my name closed. If she wants these services in the future, she will need to establish an account and pay for them herself. While I was there I removed additional personal items belonging to me. I was very careful to leave her stuff alone.

To say that she's upset is a gross understatement. She's livid! She's threatening me with all form and type of legal action as a result. Fortunately I vetted my plan with my attorney yesterday, so I'm confident that what I did was appropriate and within my rights. That, however, does not preclude her throwing one hissy-fit after another. The good news is that from now on I won't be paying for the Internet connectivity she uses to send me nasty emails.

Okay, I feel better. I just had to share this with someone and figured my friends here would understand. Please keep me in your prayers. I'm headed for rough waters now.

Peace be with you.....Lt4Others

February 22, 2006
6:56 pm
Avatar
gingerleigh
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Amazing! You sound so strong and level, I know you're probably torn up inside, but to get through times like this sometimes it's best to get mad now and save getting sad for later.

Hang in there, LT4Others!

February 22, 2006
7:25 pm
Avatar
Lt4Others
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

gingerleigh,

Thanks for your support. I really need it tonight. You're right. I'm strong and level-headed on the outside. On the inside, I'm scared. She's done some extreme things in the past and wouldn't put it past her this time either. I'll feel relieved when I wake up alive tomorrow morning. The one emotion I'm not feeling is sadness. I know I'm doing the right thing. An ugly divorce only lasts so long. A miserable marriage would last a lot longer. I opt for the former.

Hangin' the best he can.....Lt4Others

February 22, 2006
8:04 pm
Avatar
Shaney
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 4
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Lt4Others

She'll get over it. I'm sure you considered all possible options before doing things this way, so I'm convinced that you did the right thing. Knotting up THOSE types of loose ends is never easy... someone ends up feeling jipped - which is funny... since you were obviously the one getting the short end of the stick where the internet account was concerned.

Anyway, it's all part of splitting up and moving on. These rough waters are temporary so keep looking ahead while trying to maintain a decent attitude and that great sense of humor.

Take care - Shaney

February 22, 2006
8:25 pm
Avatar
Lt4Others
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Shaney,

Yeah, I know you're right. The current cloud of tension I feel around me will eventually clear.

I pulled out my copy of "The Language of Letting Go" by Melody Beattie and read a few of the meditations. What I'm feeling right now is mild panic. I have to remember not to let my fears make things worse than they really are.

You said something that made me think. I really need to keep my sense of humor through this. A positive attitude helps too. I've kept myself busy doing chores tonight. Staying busy helps the time pass faster and focuses my mind on things other than the current skirmish.

Thanks again for caring.....Lt4Others

February 22, 2006
8:58 pm
Avatar
Shaney
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 4
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

I think we all panic a bit when we've done something that's outside of what we would normally do. Especially if that "something" is breaking into our ex's home and stripping them of all those freebies that they've become accustomed to NOT paying for. Just kidding! Most of us have had to go through that dreaded process of taking what's ours and leaving the rest behind. It's scary. It really is. But it's normal stuff that lots of us have gone through, but it'll blow over. Good luck.

P.S. Did you happen to wear a black ski mask and dark clothing when you went in for the "job?"

February 22, 2006
9:11 pm
Avatar
Lt4Others
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Hi Shaney,

I did feel guilty entering the house. Then I thought "hey, it's as much mine as it is hers!"

LOL Yes, I did wear black today, but for different reasons. I skipped the ski mask, however. 😉

I feel a bit guilty for what turns out to be an ambush. She didn't see this coming. Part of her anger and pain right now is from being blind-sided. Unfortunately, my being proactive was the only way to get a fair shake. There was absolutely no chance she would have cooperated if I would have asked.

I'm calming down now. The mild panic passed. I'll go to work early tomorrow and dive into the tasks I have there. Keeping busy really helps.

Have a great night.....Lt4Others

February 22, 2006
10:05 pm
Avatar
readyforachange
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 6
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Lt...I think you were completely within your rights. Did your STBX expect you to continue paying her mortgage and all of her bills while you supported yourself in a different household? That is ridiculous.

Divorce is war...I'm still feeling the war wounds a full year after my divorce finalized. My ex moved out after I filed becuase I asked him to for the sake of the kids...he was not capable of handing things like an adult. After turning over his keys to me, he returned to the house and broke my front door down so that he could listen to my answering machine messages and go through my mail and email. He paid for absolutely nothing from the moment I filed, and actually closed joint bank accounts and gave his mother $900 per month "rent" to live in her basement. SOOO..in my eyes, you are a chivalrous gentleman!!!

I'd practice a little "no contact" with your STBX. Don't open her emails, don't answer the phone for her, let the lawyers do the negotiating until she can behave civilly.

I wish you luck, and strength!

February 22, 2006
10:42 pm
Avatar
Lt4Others
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

readyforachange,

You make several good suggestions. I was in "no contact" mode from November of last year through January of this year. Then I faltered. I won't do that again. Many, including my employer, are giving me similar advice. I forward her emails directly to my attorney for his records. I have Caller ID on both my cellular and house phones, so I avoid her calls. I've stopped answering the door if I even think it might be her. Sadly, I don't think she'll ever behave civilly. I've seen the nasty dynamic that exists between her and her ex. She is not willing or capable of healing from any emotional injury from any point in her life. It's sad really, but not my problem.

The court dates for divorce proceedings are already scheduled. While I have good legal representation, her attorney bailed on her. It may have something to do with the fact that she hasn't paid him since last May. She doesn't realize it, but if she doesn't respond to discovery within the next 24 hours, she will be in contempt of court. The legal system frustrates her because she can't manipulate it like she does people in her life.

Thanks for your supportive comments. They helped me get through a challenging night. I'm going to get some sleep now.

Peace be with you....Lt4Others

February 22, 2006
11:15 pm
Avatar
readyforachange
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 6
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Hang in there. I truly believe that "That which does not kill you only makes you stronger" and that "good prevails over evil". You will survive, and prevail. I wish you peace, too. Rest well.

February 23, 2006
11:12 am
Avatar
Lt4Others
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

readyforachange,

Thanks. I rested well, but peace is proving illusive. My wife is in a rage, making all form and type of threats. I keep waiting for the other shoe to drop. Her actions can be very bizarre. Fortunately my kids (her step-kids) will not be with me this weekend. I hate living with this hanging over my head. I just want it to be over. I believe what you say about "good prevails over evil" in the long run, but I'm worried about my day-to-day survival. This is an emotional roller coaster for me.

I'm done venting....for now. 🙂

Have a great day.....Lt4Others

February 23, 2006
11:23 am
Avatar
mj
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 29, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Hi Lt4Others,

I just wanted to share with you that I think you are handling your divorce proceedings with dignity and self respect. I admire your willingless to admit your true feelings and doing the work necessary to take care of yourself. I am sorry you are living in fear of what may happen given the nature of your STBX's emotional state. Divorce is painful but it does make way for new beginnings. I wish the Best for you today and everyday.

February 23, 2006
11:47 am
Avatar
Lt4Others
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

mj,

Thanks for your warm words. Where this divorce is concerned, I'm trying to be fair and generous. At the same time, I'm trying to ensure my own needs are met. Sometimes it's difficult to balance the two.

I feel I'm in an "emotional winter" right now. I'm not depressed, just a bit withdrawn for my own protection. Emotional storms come and go, so I need to bundle up to remain warm and secure. The good news is that winter doesn't last forever. Someday, hopefully not too long from now, spring will arrive, along with new beginnings. In the interim, I need to care for myself and facilitate my recovery. I really believe better days await us all.

Thanks.....Lt4Others

February 23, 2006
1:01 pm
Avatar
centex76
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Isn't it funny that after years of pouring your heart and soul into trying to help someone get better, they can turn on you like a pit bull. Sounds like your wife has a touch of borderline personality disorder. Anyway, keep your eye on the prize and realize that this to shall pass.

centex76

February 23, 2006
1:56 pm
Avatar
Lt4Others
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

centex76,

You are exactly right! She has been diagnosed as BPD. She is very, very self-centered and self-obsessed. The whole world needs to revolve around her. When it doesn't, she turns ugly. She's in that state right now.

I have a clear conscience that I've done everything I could to help her and help sustain our marriage. However, it's time to throw in the towel and move on. My family, friends, and co-workers are disgusted that I've stayed in the relationship this long.

I spoke with my attorney earlier today to get reassurance that I'm on firm legal ground. He's absolutely sure that I am, regardless of what she may think. That makes me feel better.

It really helps discussing this with people who can understand. All of you are helping me get through a rough spot in my codependence recovery.

Sincere thanks.......Lt4Others

February 23, 2006
2:19 pm
Avatar
centex76
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

I have only been coming here a few days now, after a year of "willing" my wife to get better, I thought I better start searching for help on the net. What a rude awakening to realize that I had become a codependent over the last year. She almost committed suicide last year, and I new that there was a danger of becoming cod. A year later, she is still alive, but still very ill. I am glad that I have found these forums, now I know I am not alone. I am just starting to realize that by becoming cod I helped her remain sick. I hope that by setting boundries and becoming honest, I can help her become better. Now I realize as well that she will only get as well as she wants to. Yes these forums help, a lot. It scares me to hear stories like yours though, it seems like so many of these cases end in divorce, and that is not what I want.

Centex76

February 23, 2006
3:05 pm
Avatar
Lt4Others
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Centex76,

Welcome to the site. I hope the interaction here provides you the information and support you seek. The people here are wonderful.

I understand about suicidal tendancies. My wife was there last November. Who knows, she may be there again soon. Part of my recovery has been allowing other people to own the issues in their lives. It is not my responsiblity to heal her. Like you said, the more I shelter her, the more I inhibit her healing.

Setting boundries is very important. It's also what is hard for my wife to accept. She is used to pushing people around through manipulation, harassment, and/or intimidation. When I set boundries and stuck to them, it frustrated her no end. She didn't know how to react or get her own way. The "no contact" business enraged her, as she has no patience. These same boundries sheltered me and kept me safe. I'm thankful for that.

I wish you well in working out your problems while remaining married. I tried that for years with little success. This is our second (and final) separation. I've done everything I can and it's time to move on. Hopefully you're not at that point yet. I'll keep you and your wife in my prayers.

Peace.....Lt4Others

February 23, 2006
8:04 pm
Avatar
readyforachange
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 6
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Lt....I hope today is finding you more centered, no matter what your STBX throws at you. I found that "detaching" myself from my ex's behaviors was very helpful. After 17 years of marriage, I was so programmed to "react" to every one of his bizarre behaviors that I really had to make a conscious effort to draw the line between his behaviors and mine. You are taking the high road, and these types of people do not want you to. They want you to be trudging through the muck and the mire right along with them, because that is their comfort zone. I know exactly how you feel in wanting it to be over...it will. Take care of yourself, and keep telling yourself you are handling this in the best way possible.

Just a question...the children are yours? She has joint custody of them while the divorce is in process, I assume. Will that continue? It's okay if you don't feel comfortable answering, I was just trying to get the whole picture.

February 23, 2006
8:25 pm
Avatar
Lt4Others
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

readyforachange,

I'm much better today, thank you. 🙂

You're right, detachment is the key. I feel most stressed when I let her "set the hook" in me. Learning how to keep that from happening is important. She really wants to drag me through her anxiety and depression. Not long ago I allowed this to happen, thinking it was my way of being a loving husband. The more I read about codependency, the more I understood how counterproductive that was for each of us. I'm trying to overcome my old habits.

Fortunately, we have no children from our marriage. It's the second time around for each of us. She has three from her first marriage (25, 23, and 17) and I have two from my first marriage (17 and 15). Her youngest lives with her, while her two oldest are on their own. My two children live in a nearby city with their mother and spend time with me on a regular basis. So, custody is one problem we don't have to address.

Interestingly enough she still gets $1500 per month in child support from her first husband. That, on top of her salary, is a hefty sum. However, she had no trouble spending all that.....and more!

Have a nice evening.....Lt4Others

February 23, 2006
8:36 pm
Avatar
Anonymous
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Lt -

I think you are doing the right thing and will keep you in my thoughts and prayers - as you deserve nothing but the best - and she just wans't "it".

Keep working on your boundaries - and keep working with the attorney - you will do okay.

I'm sorry this path in life is so rocky and riddled with conflict, but I see the road ahead smoother - and you will get there soon!

February 23, 2006
8:46 pm
Avatar
Lt4Others
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Thanks alicat. I believe in a Higher Power, I believe in the value of prayer, and I appreciate being remembered in yours.

I'm trying to rebuild my self-image. During the course of our marriage, I allowed it to become tarnished. I allowed myself to feel like a victum. I now realize that was wrong.

My attorney is great. He knows when to give me a wakeup call and tell me to stop whining. He's confident, reliable, honorable, and gives great advice. I'm lucky to have him on my side.

The conflict waxes and wanes. I'll live through it. Like you say, I need to work on my boundries. I also need to keep the divorce turmoil from causing me undue stress and panic. All of this will pass with time.

Peace be with you......Lt4Others

February 23, 2006
10:31 pm
Avatar
readyforachange
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 6
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Whoa....$1500 in child support for one child (she only has one that is under the age of 18, so I assume it's for one child only). That's about 3 times what I receive for my two, aged 15 and 12.

It is a blessing that you don't have children, I think. It only complicates the already difficult situation of divorce, as you know.

Sounds as if you have a wise and level-headed lawyer....trust him and follow his advice.

February 24, 2006
11:45 am
Avatar
Lt4Others
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

readyforachange,

My wife lacks a perspective on how lucky she is and how good her life has been. She was the adopted only child of an older couple. She had anything she wanted growing up. While I was setting fence posts and putting on roofing, she spent the summers at the country club. Her first husband was a successful stock broker and made a mint. She got whatever she wanted during that period as well. Then I come along. I'm an average Joe making a decent living, but I'm not financially rich by any measure. Suddenly she feels I should provide her all the luxuries she's always had. When I'm unwilling or unable to do so, the harassment and abuse start. In her mind, the world owes her whatever she desires. Her current encounter with the "real world" is a shock to her system, but a necessary one. I need to keep reminding myself that it's not my job to fulfill all her wishes.

Done venting....for now....Lt4Others

February 24, 2006
5:58 pm
Avatar
readyforachange
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 6
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

My mother had four daughters...she was unable to support herself, and relied on my father for everything. The one thing she taught us was to always be able to support ourselves. I am happy to say that all four of us are able to do that. I don't know what I would have done if I hadn't been financially able to end my failed marriage. I thank God that I didn't have that problem.

I am actually surprised that your STBX went out and found a job. Maybe it's a start. She needs to learn to stand on her own two feet and take care of herself.

February 24, 2006
6:14 pm
Avatar
Lt4Others
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

readyforachange,

I agree with you completely. I was raised in a very middle class family. There were five kids (one of which was a special needs child), so both of my parents worked two jobs. I started working odd jobs for money when I was about ten. I put myself throught college the hard way. My siblings and I have worked all our lives. We were taught to live within our means. Sometimes that entails tightening your belt a bit and doing without what you may want. Like you, we're all financially self-sufficient. Perhaps that's why it's so hard for me to understand people who feel the world owes them everything.

My STBX getting a job had more to do with desperation and less to do with personal growth. She was flat broke and no one would lend her more money. I'm determined not to prop her up financially any longer. I agree with you -- she needs to take care of herself.

Like they said in the movie 'Network', "I'm mad as hell and I'm not going to take it anymore!"

Lt4Others

Forum Timezone: UTC -8
Most Users Ever Online: 349
Currently Online:
31
Guest(s)
Currently Browsing this Page:
2 Guest(s)
Top Posters:
onedaythiswillpass: 1134
zarathustra: 562
StronginHim77: 453
free: 433
2013ways: 431
curious64: 408
Member Stats:
Guest Posters: 49
Members: 111165
Moderators: 5
Admins: 3
Forum Stats:
Groups: 8
Forums: 74
Topics: 38716
Posts: 714574
Newest Members:
anissafield, Aemorph, CaitlynForlong, AndrinNetzer, MaarcusPedersen, MarcusPedersen
Moderators: arochaIB: 1, devadmin: 9, Tincho: 0, Donn Gruta: 0, Germain Palacios: 0
Administrators: admin: 21, ShiningLight: 572, emily430: 29

Copyright © 2021 MH Sub I, LLC. All rights reserved.
Terms of Use | Privacy Policy | Cookie Policy | Health Disclaimer | Do Not Sell My Personal Information