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At breaking point, goodbyes written...please help! part 2
May 28, 2001
1:29 am
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frostycub
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Salna,

Hello. How are you? Good I hope. Good weather and a long weekend...I'm doing pretty good, considering my situation. Your words were very comforting. It really helps. I wish I could explain these angry feelings I have to you, but the truth is that I don't know much about them myself. I know that they are there and I know that they are ugly. I feel like I have this foreign being living inside of me who creeps out when I let my guard down. I think maybe that is why I wanted to end my life. It was getting to the point where I could not supress the anger inside of me. It was all I felt, day and night...constantly. Anger, frustration and a deep depression which took my strenght to control it. I figured that if I ended my life, I would also kill the ugliness within me. It has been with me for years, but greatly intesified when this all happened. I had my future planned. I worked everyday to secure a healthy future for us, and I wanted children in a big way. And then...it was all over. And she is convinced that it was my fault. It eats away at my insides everyday. But, every day I wake up and realize that I made it through the day before...and I'll make it through today...and one day...I will wake up and it won't hurt anymore. It's hard to do. Everywhere I look, she is all I see. Memories leave themselves like fingerprints. And the same thing with the "friends" that no longer speak to me. They didn't even hear my side of things. They just talked to her and turned their back on me! Who knows what she told them. Obviouslly much more then she told me! But, I take comfort in the friends who do stick by my side. And coming here...talking to you or ladeska or anyone...it's like a place where I can come for help...and they can't find me here. They can't stop me or interrupt me. There are so many things about myself that I like. I have a great sense of humor. I am intelligent and strong to my convictions. I am a "people" person. I learn quickly. I don't look to drugs or alchohol for answers to lifes problems. I am good at working with tools or in an office environment. And I can find the "positive side" to almost any person or situation (This situation; however, is proving to be a bit of a challenge in that arena). I think I'd be alright if I could just stop hurting. I don't know, should I hate them, understand and forgive them, forget about them? I know that they are always on the back of my mind. And I know that this anger inside of me wants to take control of me. I won't let it. I've controlled it for years. I can control it now. I just wish I knew where exactly it came from.
Take care!
=Frosty

May 28, 2001
1:17 pm
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salna
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Hi,
I need you to answer one question please don,t take offence, but i need to understand something. Did you by any chance hit you wife. I am not judging i just want to know so that i can understand your pains better.

Now that you have written good qualities about your self i need 3 more. Also now i neede to know 2 things you don,t like about yourself, if you can you can list more. I am looking forward to hearing them

I must congratulate you, you are really making progress. Be proud of yourself. I am! Remember you proably won,t forget your ex wife and friends. But you will feel less pain as time goes one I promise.
Love salna

May 28, 2001
1:53 pm
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chippy
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Dear Frosty,

The one thing I know is that we (you and I) are more busy listening to what other people think than to what we think....this is a mistake....the first person you must listen to is yourself...once that is squared away you can bring in others and their opinions. Understand that they don't know anymore than you do and most of the time less than you do.

This is called trusting yourself. You have your own set of ideas and feelings about everything...just like a fingerprint, and that is what you must focus on first. Anger is a normal emotion but can destructive if improperly used. If your anger is welling up it means that it was not used appropriately towards the original people it was supposed to be channeled at....usually parents...try this...put a chair across from you in an empty room and picture your Mom or Dad in that chair and tell them all the anger you have inside towards them.....don't be afraid, you can't hurt them, just picture them listening and not angry back....tell them everything you have been holding inside against them..do not hold anything back, let it all out...you will cry and hurt...for about 2 days you will feel like a damp washcloth....then you will slowly start to heal and feel better.
I got this method from a counselor, and believe me it helped....it hurt alot...then I felt better than I had in years.
Good Luck.

May 29, 2001
3:15 am
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frostycub
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Salna,

No, I didn't ever hit or try to hit my wife, and don't worry...no offense taken. I'm a firm beleiver that you never hit a lady (unless your life depended on it, but even then, just enough to protect yourself). I really don't believe in hitting anyone, reguardless of sex. I don't think it solves anything. I mean sure, if a guy is charging at me or throwing a punch at me, I'll take action. But I'd never hit anyone just to cause fear.
3 more good things, huh? Well let's see...I am generous, quick to help out and respectful.
The things I don't like...I avoid conflict, I smoke, I'm clumsy, I have little patience, I can't control myself (i.e. one minute I'll be fine, the next a raging ball of emotion), I find it hard to trust people and have very little self confidence. That's a little more than two, but it's what ran off the top of my head.
Thank you for your kind words and encouragement. It continues to help me through my on-going problem. You take care of yourself now. Until next time...
-Frosty

May 31, 2001
4:09 pm
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salna
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Hi Frosty
I could find my server to so i was out of it for a while. But I am back.
I am glad to know you never hit your wife or anyone else. And that you are finding out all about you good points.
Keep that up. Have you tried getting help to find out about your rages emotions., Do you think that it could have steam off from your childhood.
I remember i was in a rage off emotions. One minute I am fine normal next minute i am taking somebody,s head off, or I will be crying uselessly or very quite and mood at times. I was finally put on some anit-depressant, which at first i refuse to take. But i am so gald I did now. I am now on a very steady emotion quite normal i would say.
So you should consider that for now unit i talk to you again.
salna

June 1, 2001
1:02 am
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frostycub
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Salan,

I would seriouslly consider some type of medication. And I would love to find out what has caused this rage inside of me, but I guess I'm both afraid of what I might find out or what I might NOT find out. I mean, what if I am some sort of defect? Just naturally angry all the time? I don't know, I guess I am just scared. On a side note, my ex sent me an e=mail. First time in quite awhile. No "How are you?" No "are things going well?" Just...I am out of money and you owe me some. Which is true, I don't argue that. But why the abscence of emotion. Why the almost deliberate attempt to stay away from anything emotional? It wasn't as angry as I made it sound, I just kind of summed it up, but it was just business. Nothing else. See...this is where I start feeling that physical pain inside. All questions...no answers. Just me thinking of the worst case scenerio. And why does it even bother me that much? That she just wants to get on with life and make this as easy as possible. Urgghhhh! I wish I could just shut all of this of with a switch!
-Frosty

June 1, 2001
8:49 am
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frostycub
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Salna...sorry about the mispell on your name in the previous reply...take care! -Frosty

June 2, 2001
1:30 pm
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salna
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Hi
How are you coping today?

So are you going to a Therapist or doctor for this med. because you must, and not just say you will. For your own sake do go, if you really care about yourself you will go.

The thing with you is that you still love your wife, there,s nothing wrong with that, and you are feeling betrayed and a bit confused becuase you did not get any explaination from her. We as humans need explaination for things. But in time one day at a time you will feel less hurt.

I was in a relationship once which i thought was doing well. One day he just stop calling or would call and make excuses for leaving write in the middle of a converstion, always will call back but never did.
It continued for a while he never gave any explaination why he left, why he did want to be with me anymore.
We always had to talk about it, but he never could make the time.
I really felt hurt, i questioned myself, hated myself etc.
Eventually I learnt to stop hurting I do not need people like him in my life he just does not worth it. Someone with no regards for other peoples feeling I decided does not worth my grieving for them. You should think about that.

About you rage, Remember you are in control of yourself, don,t let your mind control you. Seeking help about yor rages is one way of saying to yourself that you are in control and that nothing could hurt me unless i let them to.
You can find out about your rage without feeling scared of what you will find out, because you can handle it. Try you will see.
love salna

June 4, 2001
10:26 pm
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frostycub
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Salna,

Hi there. Sorry for the delay, I've been pretty busy. So, here's what's going on. I came to the conclusion that wherever this rage came from doesn't matter. The fact is I have to do something about it. I also am attempting to finally let myself go through the pain as a human being. Not trying to hold it in turning it into anger. This has made for some rough times. I have found however, that the more I do this, the more I realize that maybe I am better off away from her. I am now thinking that maybe our marriage was over long before it was brought up as a divorce. While this helps me to accept the situation, it makes me feel empty. I really don't know what I feel anymore. Everyday is either better or worse than the day before. Things are very chaotic inside of me right now, and I just want it to go away. It's pointless to be angry anymore, which is good because I don't have the energy to be mad. I want to go to a therapist in the worst way, but don't know how to go about it. Well, I better wrap this up. Take care!
Frosty

June 4, 2001
11:43 pm
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salna
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Frosty
Well Well You know I really do not believe that you have dealt with your anger and until you do you will always be angry. BUt if you did, how did you let it go or rather how are you letting it go as a humanbeing. You knowI told myself this lies as well. It worked for a little while, but it came back, so don,t think that you can fool yourself. It ok to feel empty, it really is ok, That,s all part of the process of letting something we love/hate go. It will soon feel better I promise[just imagine i am holding your hadns and looking at you straight in the eye]
I think you ar frighten of going to a therapist, thats alright as well, it,s natural to feel that you don,t need a therapistand to tell yourself that I are a man and I can deal with it.BUt only you can make that decision. I know you must be feeling really confuse at this time, flow with the tide, It's ok to feel what you are feeling! But I am proud of you for at lest trying to et go of your ex wife and moving on. You will be Ok. Do you read, Are you active in sport,what do you do to fill up your time. I know that so many things to keep myself busy, I wonder now how I did it [smile] Do you leave in the same house?Maybe you should change something, you know anything you choose start with something simply ex Try a new meal, go to a new resturant
to something a little crazy just for yourself, explore you areas, change the way you cut your hair Differnt look just something different,Take in a new hobbie. I like collecting stamps, by the way, i find them interesting. There will be a surprise waiting for you! By the way what is your profession if you don,t mind me asking.
Take care of your self, do something new today, I know, I know might sound like a lot but trust me it isn,t
Salna

June 6, 2001
12:29 am
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frostycub
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Salna,

Howdy. Well, you are right, so let me rephrase...I haven't exactly "let go of my anger", but I do know that it has to stop and it is doing me no good. That is why I made a phone call to my doctor and am going in on Thursday to get a refferal to a therapist. You are exactly right. I am terrified. Not really because I want to be a man and handle this myself, but because I am afraid of what I might find out about everything. I have decided that I am not going to let her hurt me anymore. Any long journey must begin with a first step...and this, for me anyway, is a scary but very much needed one. When you went through your troubles, what kind of answers did you come up with to the many questions like why is this happening to ME? How do I begin to sort out these feelings? When will this end (if it ever does)? If you don't mind me asking, that is. As for my profession, I am in an apprentice program to become a liscensed electrician. It requires 8000 hours of on-the-job-training and 900 hours of classes. It will take about 4 years, but I am very happy with what I am doing and it makes a great career. What do you do? (again, if you don't mind me asking). I also must say, in response to your request of trusting you, for what it's worth...even though I've never met you, have no idea where you are, don't know what you look like, how old you are or anything...you are truly one of the FEW people that I DO trust. Thank you. Take care! -FROSTY

June 7, 2001
12:01 am
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salna
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Hi Frosty
Looks like you a feeling a bit better and that you have gain a little self confidence. GOOD FOR YOU!. I am so happy that you will be going to your doctor, I am very proud of you!

It sounds to me that you know a bit of where that rage is coming from, but just would not admit it to yourself, but it will have in time trust me.
HOw are did you say you are!
I am 25 years old.
I live in small Island in the Caribbean. And I work in a small hotel. Taking part-time classes in Social Work. I also work with a small herbal company.

Where do you live!
Now I hope you keep your appointment tom. looking forward to hearing from you.
God bless you
salna
PS. Just remember Nothing last forever. No joy No sorrows. SO YOU CAN REST ASSURE that it will end.
Also remember that there might not be a tom. so live your life. Enjoy what the little there is to enjoy. Begrateful for our troubles as well. If we did not have them, who knows what we would be missing.

June 7, 2001
7:34 pm
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frostycub
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Salna,

Well, I did it. I went in to the doctor. I should be seeing a regular counselor here in not to long of time. I'm pretty nervous, but I'll just have to grit my teeth and move on. The Caribbean! Wow! Geez, that sounds like paradise! I live in land locked Denver, Colorado. Tons of people, tons of traffic and construction sites as far as the eye can see. I've only see the ocean once. I was a freshman in high school and went to Florida for a week. We only spent an hour or so in the ocean, but it was so fun and so beautiful. Maybe someday I'll make it out there again. Or anywhere for that matter. As for the rage...well, hopefully that will come out of the woodwork in seeing a counselor. Well, I'd better go. Before I do, though...I want to thank you for continuing to help me out. Your words have been invaluable to me. Until next time...take care. -Frosty

June 7, 2001
9:53 pm
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salna
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Well done Frostycub!
I am very very proud of you.
Let me know how it,s been going.
Take care of yourself
salna

June 10, 2001
1:06 am
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frostycub
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Salna, Hey! How are you? I hope this finds you well. I have a question of you. Periodically, I have these moments of (for lack of a better word) numbness. No anger, no pain, no joy, no anything. It's like I'm just...here. In a physical matter only. I just go through motions...like a robot. I've heard of people going through so much emotional stress that they detach themselves from those emothions. Did you experience this, or even heard of this? It's very odd. So, any thoughts on that? Right now, I am EXTREMELY happy because our Colorado Avalanche just won the championship and the Stanley Cup that comes with it. The entire city is partying! I think I'm going to go have some more fun. Take care! -Frosty 🙂

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