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At breaking point, goodbyes written...please help! part 2
May 20, 2001
9:39 pm
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frostycub
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Hey..I just wanted to thank all those who replied to my previous thread. I thought alot about everything...and I have decided, that while it would be the quickest and easiest solution for me, it would hurt those I care about-and I'm not prepared to sacrifice their pain for mine. I still hurt and have terrible feelings and am in search of prof. help. I don't have much money to spend. Any ideas? I keep looking for counselling centers, but am not having much luck.

May 20, 2001
11:07 pm
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chippy
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Go to your local church.....even if you are not religious they may know of resources. Call suicide prevention they may know of resources.....call the county mental health department....they may know resources. Call your closest hospital they may offer resources.

Keep calling......keep in touch and tell us how it's going.

May 20, 2001
11:29 pm
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salna
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Hi
frostycub
Glad to know that you are alive and well. I was very worried about you.
WHy did you change your thread? Any glad i am in touch with you. Please keep on looking, for prof. help don't give up. But in the mean time you are welcome to share your thought right here. Take it from me. At first i was a bit skeptical, but it has worked wonders. 1) you can be free to say what you really feel without feeling embarrassed or being judged. 2) you will feel more orgainzed in your thoughts and feeling and you will not feel so alone, there are lots of people hear will to listen.
I hope you are feeling at ease hear.
But please keep on looking for the one on one help.
Promise you will take care of yourself. Looking forward to hearing from you.
Salna

May 22, 2001
12:15 am
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frostycub
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Salna...
Great to hear from you! You've been on my mind as well. The things you say sound so sincere and full of experience. It has helped quite a bit. I was a bit worried when I didn't hear from ya for a few days, but I'm happy to tell ya that I am still fighting. I still feel like I'm going crazy, and at times very helpless and discarded. But, God will determine when I go to face Him. I've gotten a lot of great advise from the people that have replied to me, and while the struggle goes on, the way this all works out is up to me. I know at least that now, but anyway, I can't wait to hear from you again! Thank you and take care!

May 22, 2001
8:43 pm
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salna
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Hi frostycub,
i really like your your nickname frostycub how did that come about.
interesting?
Anyway i am glad that you are holding on. You will continue to feel helpless and discarded at times, that to will pass believe me. What do you mean "God will determine when you go to meet him". I know it's a hard life out there, but you have the strength to fight it and win. You know life is a game you play to win, when we fall we stand dust our self and start all over again feeling stronger how does that feel[smile].
What are you doing about what is bothering you. I still sense that you are determine to hold on to it.[but that's ok we all let go when we are ready. Just rember that we are there for you.
Till I hear from you
take good care of you, do something nice for yourself today, congratulate yourself. You deserve it. You are worth it. I am so proud of you for not taking away your life, and not letting life control you. You have just prove to yourself that you are strong worthy of being alive.
all my love salna
Hope to hear from you soon.

May 23, 2001
1:16 am
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frostycub
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Hey Salna, how are you? Good I hope. How did frostycub come about? Well, everyone at work calls me Frosty (a nickname I picked up after a bad hair dying incident) and cub...well I'm an apprentice electrician...and the journeyman like to call us all cubs. So, I put 'em together. I was actually in bed a few minutes ago and wasn't feeling too good. That's when I usually feel real bad, in bed when I don't have work or anything else to focus my mind on. I start thinking about everything and BAM! Like a ton of bricks. I can almost feel a physical pain inside of me. Something tearing and breaking apart. I get headaches now...bad ones. Migraines. I had them earlier in my life, but they went away. I guess all this stress and frustration has invited them back. I just thought I'd get up and come here. It eases my mind a bit to come to this site and to write to you. It's kind of weird...there are so many people around me...family, friends...but the only ones that I truly think are concerned about my pain are here. Especially you! 🙂
Oh, what I meant when I said "God will determine when I go to meet Him" is that it's not up to me. He created me, and I feel that He will take me and bring me to Him when He is good and ready. Maybe this is all a test. A test to see how strong of a person I am and how strong my faith is. Thank you again, I honestly can't tell you how much your words are helping me get through this. You are a treasure. Take care!

May 23, 2001
11:28 am
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Ladeska
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So....what exactly do you feel when you lay down in your bed? Talk to me..... Do you have dreams? It is good that you have pinpointed this anxiety, maybe we need to talk about this.

And no, God doesn't test you like this...You don't have to perform for Him. He just loves you. Basically what's happened to you recently is - the closet won't stay shut anymore and it's time for some healing to go on in your life. That's not - God testing you....that's the natural course of events when something toxic and poisonous is inside you. However, God does want you to get to the bottom of it and become "whole" and have "peace". That would be the God I know. (smile) I'm listening....

May 23, 2001
1:07 pm
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salna
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Hi frostycub,
see there! I told you will get all the support you needed here, I agree with what Ladeska said. Talk to us we are listening...
Next time you write let me know one good thing you did for your self today something which you are proud off etc.
talk to you soon.
salna

Good Job Ladeska keep it up.[smile]

May 23, 2001
1:10 pm
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Ladeska
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Salna...Hi cutiepie!!

May 23, 2001
10:12 pm
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salna
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Ladeska
Now I bet you did not know cutiepie is one of my favorite express!
You just know what to say don't you always have me laughing, my sister is always wondering whether i am going nuts, laugh to a computer.
chow

May 23, 2001
11:17 pm
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cerry
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Hi frostycub,

Isn't always the way. You lie down and relax and then your brain takes over. I was there. Really, I was an awful mess at one time of my life. The only way to stop the pain was to go away. I was at the point where I could not think of anyone, nothing. All I had was pain, and the weight loss and the migraines. I believe there is a God. You see, if you are a believer and I am not overly religious but if you believe, God never gives you anything you can't handle.

Today, I am hear to tell you about it. I am happy, and never , never again do I want to feel that way. I did it though. It was alot of hard work and determination on my part. I had to take care of me. I lost everything including the clothes off my back. Everything. I had no way of supporting myself and if it wasn't for a friend who put there hand out to me, I would not be here today.
I lost I would say, mmm 45 pounds in 3 1/2 months. I got to the point where I wanted to sleep and looked forward to nighttime when all way quiet and prayed for sleep. I was exhausted.

I am here and I am listening. And it was this website and friends that help me. I read like others did. Then one day I started to talk. That was 3 years ago. I am doing very well with my life. Very well. The best thing is , noone knows you , so you can be honest. We care, but we don't judge.

Take care, and let us know how you are doing. You have taken steps my friend, good for you. Keep it up and like the others say, smile...........Cerry

May 23, 2001
11:35 pm
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Ladeska
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Cerry....in the midst of our journey we find ourselves....that person we never knew....that priceless piece of art that we never knew the value of. We also find that God, the potter, the painter, the poet, the one with all creative expression....fashioned our face, our laugh, our eyes, our hands, the way we walk, the way we wiggle, the way we cry, the way we snort, the way we brush by in this world like no other leaving a mark that is distinctly "only ours"...we find this God....at the bottom of our valley when all is quiet, when we have come to the end of ourselves, when we aren't talking anymore and can truly "listen"....it is then - we find Him. The funny thing is He was there all the time behind the costumes, lost in the crowd we surrounded ourselves with and drowned out by all the noise and loud music.. We have a distinct mark on us and it is His....undeniably. Upon this realization....we truly learn to "dance" and not care if anyone notices or dances with us...(smile) it is good - you are "here".

May 23, 2001
11:45 pm
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cerry
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Ladeska,

Thank you. You do have a way with words. Nicely put. Its individuals such as your self that make a difference to us all.
Cerry

May 24, 2001
12:48 am
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frostycub
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Ladeska,

Thank you for your insight. As far as dreams...well, when I do sleep, I usually have nice dreams. Dreams where I am with friends, enjoying myself. The problem is getting to sleep. I can usually keep in control thoughout the day, but in bed, by myself...nobody to talk to, nothing to keep my mind focused...I start thinking about everything...and it drives me insane. Anger and pain more than anything else. I can be completely exhausted the entire day but when I get in bed I get hyper and the anger almost fuels me. Bad thoughts lead to worse thoughts. It usually takes me about 3 to 4 hours to fall asleep after getting into bed. And maybe it's just a point where I am forced to face my feelings rather than avoid them, but it still hurts. That, I have decided, will pass. But not before I figure everything out. (Easier said than done) Thanks again! Take care!

May 24, 2001
11:09 am
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Ladeska
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Frosty.....so, give me a for example as far as what you would think about that makes you angrier and angrier...

May 24, 2001
3:41 pm
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Ladeska
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Frosty....do you find yourself doing things in a very routine way, like needing to fold your clothes a certain way, or put things in the cabinet in a certain order, or having other rules in your head that you have to follow a certain way or something bad will happen to you if you don't? And if so, does it bother you when others interfere with this "order" of things that you have going? Does this kind of thing make you angry?

May 24, 2001
8:10 pm
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frostycub
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Ladeska,
Hello! Well, I can't really say that I have any "rules" in my head that must be followed. It's actually kind of the opposite. I try not to do things the same way, every time. I think it has cost me a little discipline, but I don't like to think of myself having self induced restraints. As far as what makes me angrier and angrier...well...I don't know. I just see things and feel things and my first instinct is to be angry. Angry at why I have problems. Angry at why I can't handle them. Angry for things that have been done to me. Angry at things I've done to others. Angry at the fact that no matter how hard I try, I cannot tell you that I respect or trust myself. I was married to a wonderful woman for 2 1/2 years. I loved her so much, but couldn't do the one thing she wanted me to do, which was to go find help for myself. Not to make her happy, but because I wanted to better myself. I never did. And long story short, I'm no longer married and MANY of the friends that we had together hate me for "destroying her faith in me and killing our marriage". Let me tell ya, you hear that a few times and it dampens your spirits a little. I'm a good person who is notorious for making bad decisions. I always have good intentions, but this anger inside of me won't set my mind free to carry them out. I feel encased by it. Controlled by it. Kind of like I'm my own prison cell. Sounds weird, I know, but I'm tired of hurting and being hurt. I deserve to be loved, but am afraid to show anyone that side of me. Well, this is getting a little long, so I'll wrap up, but please, write back. It helps alot to hear from people who want to help and not judge. Thank you. -Frosty

May 24, 2001
8:27 pm
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frostycub
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Salna,

Hi! I hope things are going OK for you! Well...I've been sitting here for about 10 minutes staring at this blinking cursor trying to think of something I did that I was proud of. I was trying to think of something that I may have done at work...didn't come up with anything. Maybe a good deed like helping my neighbor carry in her groceries...well haven't seen her yet. Maybe something simple like getting some chores or errands done...well, I did some, but not enough to be proud of. Then it hit me. This may sound kind of trivial and corny and even a bit stupid, but oh well-I'm proud of it anyway...I went through the entire day without doubting myself. My abilities, my decisions or my feelings. It's not much, but it's a start! Take care!
-Frosty

May 25, 2001
12:42 am
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salna
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Hi Frosty
See that you have shorten your name. cute. I am glad that you are aware of how you could give of your self, even if it's a bit trival, we first must take baby steps, so keep on doing that make the effort to do something nice for yourself and others, little by little it will build up your confidence and self love.and aslo help you think a bit more positive. As a mater of fact each time you write to us I would like to hear somthing that you have done, that you think you should proud of.[ now that does not mean you have to shy away from writing to me] smile.
I see that you are beginning to open up this is very good keep it up. We all deserve to be love yeah but you know what shit happens always will happen how you deal with these shit determines all. Therefore first of all love yourself, love yourself for everyone who has hurt you, you might think that it's hard, but just alittle try one day at a time will take you through I promise.
Talk to you soon! and remember love yourself.love salna

May 25, 2001
1:58 am
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Ladeska
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Frosty....so, tell me a little something about how our parents talked to you, and/or your siblings, family... What was the vibes from them coming to you in your household growing up?

May 25, 2001
11:53 pm
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frostycub
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Ladeska,

My family, huh? Well, I don't think I had things too terribly bad. Pretty good actually. I have two sisters, one a year younger and one a year older, so being the middle child and the only boy...it was kind of a 'guilty until proven innocent', but the majority of the time I was the guilty one anyway, so you can't blame them. The one thing I wish hadn't happened was the passing of my grandfather when I was in 3rd grade. I didn't know him well, but we moved in with my grandmother to help her out. This caused my parents to fight constantly. It was difficult because they sit there and yell for hours at end, but they'd make snide comments at each other in small doses over a few days without speaking to each other in any other way. But they did the best they could with their situation. As far as life lessons, they would tell me things that I should or shouldn't do, but knew that I'd probably do them anyway, so for the most part they let me learn on my own. They made many sacrifices for my sisters and I, and I think that I'm the only one of us kids that realizes that. They've always been somewhat selfish. One sister will help you out, with the expectation that you "owe her one". My other sister is just selfish through and through. I am too, but it's something I'm aware of and try to control. Well, I'd better wrap this up, talk to ya later! -Frosty

May 26, 2001
12:13 am
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frostycub
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Salna,

Shit happens. Man, if there is a simple phrase that simplifies life better than tht, I'd like to know it. But, to go along with that...that which doesn't kill us only makes us stronger. I was left with a decision...I can either let this beat me...or I can get trough it and maybe be able to help others in the future who are in my position now. I've made my decision, now I just have to find a way to beat this thing. Some days are easier than others, but even though my feelings and emotions are running rampid inide of me, I feel I have a better mental control over them. That's a comforting thing just in itself. Oh, I can't really tell you of anything good I did today that I was proud of because I had a seizure at work and I've been pretty out of it since then. I'm OK, I've had them before...they just kind of knock me on my a** when I get too stressed out or if I start running myself too hard. All this stuff, plus no sleep fits that criteria. Anyway, I'll talk to ya later! Take care of yourself! -Frosty

May 26, 2001
1:50 pm
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salna
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Hi frosty,
Glad that you are ok, It Seems to me that you are doing much better. I am glad to hear that.
So now you can tell me what,s really going on. Do you have children?
Talk to you soon
salna

Ladeska
Can you send me an email as soon as you can. Iam not sure of the time difference.
talk to you later
salna

May 26, 2001
11:36 pm
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frostycub
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Salna,

No, I don't have children. That's actually part of the problem. I was married for about 2 1/2 years, and during that time, I had still had that unexplainable anger inside of me. My wife was very understanding, and was anxious for me to solve it and get rid of it. We had dreams of a future and children (which we both REALLY wanted). Then one day, I find a letter under my van saying that the divorce was in progress, and some of my closest friends now hated me. I couldn't really get any information that I didn't already know from them as to why this all was happening. All I got was the occasional f*** off!
This is when I started to loose control of my emotions, feelings and thoughts. Over a week or so, I had to totally rearrange my life, plans, find a new place to live all while trying to figure out why I was doing it all. Kind of frustrating. Anyway, I'm starting to get my life together. Maybe I don't have the answers, but I'm now trying to decide if I need them. I've talked to alot of people, and their general concensus is that it's time for me to make my own desires. You yourself have told me countless times that I should love myself and be happy with myself. Sounds great, but I don't know where to start. How do I just let go of the past and move on to a future that I want? And what if the future I want is the past that I had?
Oh well, take care! -Frosty

May 27, 2001
5:52 pm
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salna
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Hi frosty

How was your day.

I could just imagine how you are feeling, must be pretty rotten. I must say that you must give yourself some credit, you have been through some tough times, and you are still here to talk about it. This is saying to me that you are strong, stronger than you think.
I can just imagine your disappointment as well, most times, what we want or what we think we need is not what is good for us, You may not understand that now, but you will one day.
I want you to put one think through your head, you are not responsible for other human being actions. People do things and we have no idea why,but they are the only one who can answer that. There are no whys, or if, fact is it happen! the fact is she chicken out instead of facing it as an mature adult! the fact is there is nothing you could have done to prevent it! the fact is you are not to be blamed!
And the fact is you are hurting, and given time you will feel better.
So please take it one day at a time. JUST ONE DAY AT A TIME!
Will see you through.
I am glad that you are beginning to open up.
Please try to explain to me that anger, what is causing it, what are you angry about. Is it about her? NOt having children? or yourself what is going on.
Not blaming, and doubting your self is a good way to start loving yourself.
You sound like a lovable person and sensitive person to me.
Please take care and think of all the postive think of yourselfd.
As a matter of fact next time you write.
Try to write in 3 things uyou like about yourself.
love
salna

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