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at a crossroad...which way to go
October 1, 2006
3:05 pm
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TryingToLetGoAndMoveOn
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Trying.

October 1, 2006
6:24 pm
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honeyb
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thanks for stopping in Trying.

October 7, 2006
2:35 am
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doubleloss
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honeyb
hi, how are you? what is up with you?

October 7, 2006
1:55 pm
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honeyb
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hi doubleloss..
I am numb at the moment. I moved from my house because I didn't feel safe. He found out by going there while I was at work. Now, he is calling work..leaving messages telling me how dishonest I have been with him..how he has forgiven me time after time for my deceptions but still they continue..how he has corrected his character defects and 'redeemed' himself for anything and everything he's ever done to me..telling me I have just insured that I will be spending the rest of my alone by moving out of our home, the one that means the world to him..accusing me in the next breath of having another man--AS IF THAT'S WHAT I NEED!!..I've been seeing a therapist, and recovering some repressed memories ....all very painful....life is not so pleasant for me right now..but I am a survivor. My heart has been broken and my spirit injured, but neither have been killed. I pray everyday that God will renew the life that the moths have eaten over the years..I was considering giving up, giving in...going back to him just before I moved..it hardly seems worth the effort to fight anymore....................but the one good thing about a person who is codependent is they are not quitters..

October 7, 2006
2:15 pm
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StronginHim77
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honeyb =

Bless you, sweetie. You did the right thing. He is just raging and trying to "push all your buttons" because you have removed yourself from his control. That always pushes an abuser over the edge. Let him rage. Ignore his threats. They are empty. You will heal. You will recover. And your future holds a partner who will honor you, respect you and cherish you.

Stand strong. You are DOING IT!! And we are all very proud of you.

- Ma Strong

October 7, 2006
2:46 pm
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doubleloss
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oh honey, it's a rough, hard place to be. I'm very proud of you for taking your stand and stying strong. It is a very hard thing to do.

Does he know where you live? can you ask at work not to tell him anything of your where abouts? to screen his calls? I hope everyday is a bit easier for you.

((((honeybee)))))

October 8, 2006
1:22 pm
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honeyb
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thanks Strong and Doubleloss..
I am trying so hard, but still feel so unsure..my heart tells me I do love him (the real him- under the disease), but my head tells me Love ain't enough..I appreciate your encouragement and support, but I dont know how strong I am..No, I didn't tell him where I moved to. I think that maybe what set him off - I took away a final bit of control. I did send out a memo to concerning personnel reminding them it is against the law to reveal personal information about any coworker. My ability is limited as far as screening my calls. I've written him a 20 page letter (still unfinished) spilling my heart, my soul, my pain, my concern, and my anger. I don't know if I will send it or not...I don't even know if I can leave this alone... I don't know too much anymore....just I am really, really tired...I am trying so hard, maybe too hard to be strong, and wise - to not be hurtful as it is important that I be a good person...but I am thinking that all of me is crumbling in front of me...and I dont know what to do anymore

October 8, 2006
4:19 pm
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doubleloss
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HB, it's taken all your strenght to make the move and cut ties, so just take it easy on yourself. Be still and quiet if you need to. I guess you need to recharge, all you've been going through requires so much mental, emotional, spiritual strenght that isvery very tiring. I am experiencing exhaustion as well, I don't want to do anything and after not sleeping for over 2 months, now it's all i want to do. We try to hold the fort to hard, maybe there is a time to just let go, but at least for me now, letting go would mean (or i imagine) to crumble all together and that terrifies me. maybe that is what i need to do.
you are already strong, be gentle with yourself. many hugs. double

October 8, 2006
6:00 pm
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honeyb
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Reading back over my postings, I sound very self-centered I think - for this I apologize..but I am so far into this 'journey' of exploring who I am (I've never really met me) that I can't turn back now - don't know if I would if I could - I am just wondering it might not be easier to just 'pretend'..I go back and forth between beating up on myself for missing the good bits of our relationship, I even find myself sometimes daydreaming or hoping against hope that we both will become healed and be healthy and love each other to the fullest like we promised to. It's silly at the thoughts that resurface from time to time and dissolve me to tears. I get angry when I think that the dream of us cuddling our first grandbaby while the 3 of us take a Sunday afternoon nap has been tossed in a garbage bin. Am I a nut? I wanted this man to be the grandfather to my future grandchildren!! Yes, this is important to me..I really am coming undone

October 8, 2006
6:59 pm
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elizabeth anne
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Honeyb

I understand how you feel... I think part of the grieving process gives us those fantasys of visualizing the good times, what could have been, the what if's, and makes us more sad.. As someone on a thread here said.. Do you want a brief moment of happiness and then feel the pain again... I know the feeling of getting back together and the high of happiness for those brief months, only to find I am once again in the agony of despair... I don/t want to subject myself to the pain anymore..

So I will endure this in hopes that I will be stronger and remember as much as I think it can change... in my heart I know in all probability it won/t... I haven/t really reached that acceptance yet, but I am trying really hard, by replaying in my mind, I can/t fix him.... I had in my mind all these things I was going to do today and ended up on the computer and watching TV... Perhaps tomorro I will accomplish more... Hugs...

October 8, 2006
7:17 pm
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doubleloss
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honey. the shattered dreams and hopes makes moving on so much more harder. When I got married that's what I wanted, a couple of months before the wedding we were at the beach, and a couple of old people, probably in their late 80's, both a bit hunched, totally white hair, shaky hands, lots of age spots, nicely dressed and holding hands walked by where we were sitting. We said at the same time: "that is how we are going to be"!! that feeling is still in my heart, the memory is vivid, the feeling, the weather, the excitment. Now, today, I am alone in a new apartment, by myself, typing in front of he computer...not my dream That hurts very, very much. And then, with xbf, I thought that I had finally met a man that was not afraid of being himself, and had the strength to turn his life around....and well...that was another illusion. That IS hard to let go of. But as EA says, the high of the moment is not worth (any longer) the pain, or suffering, or disconnection, or whatever feelings of knowing that things are not right.

You are not being self-centered either, this is a place to express yourself.

October 12, 2006
6:52 pm
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honeyb
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Well, I sent him the long letter..at first he said he was angry, then hurt...the he said he realized he was angry and hurt at himself because all that I said was true..he said it was like a big wakeup call what alcohol did and is costing him.........

October 14, 2006
3:06 pm
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honeyb
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October 14, 2006
4:10 pm
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doubleloss
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honeybee. good to hear from you.

so, what is the status? how are you holding up?

those letters are great, even if it works for only a second.

October 15, 2006
5:32 pm
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honeyb
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hi doubleloss
Well, you know..I am sad in some regards, but excited in others..I know that I am going to have to make some hard choices..close some doors, but I also know that by closing those doors others will open for me.
My big concern is, can I do without him in my life? Sounds really stupid, I know. I also know that he has worked so hard to gain sobriety and keep it..just don't want to loose out on something...And I've also realized that I have not been very fair to someone that has been trying to 'win' me. I am afraid I've taken advantage of that. I don't much like that feeling. Then again, I kind of feel like this guy is trying to 'control and manipulate' me in a 'nice' way..or with niceness..make sense? thanks doubleloss..

October 19, 2006
9:40 pm
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honeyb
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Boy, oh boy... I could be in trouble... I saw him today.... the charming him.....10 steps backward

October 19, 2006
11:06 pm
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go where your heart wants to go BUT tread carefully.

October 20, 2006
3:25 pm
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doubleloss
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honeyb
"just don't want to loose out on something...And I've also realized that I have not been very fair to someone that has been trying to 'win' me. I am afraid I've taken advantage of that"....mmmh, i've had those same thoughts. I don't know what to tell you except that: trust your gut.

it seems to me that's all i have for now, listen to yourself, having that feeling of someone trying to contol you is not a good feeling...but it might be true, your senses arepicking it up, you know it deep in your heart.

w/ me i didn't know any of that was going on, i'm just starting to see some of the patterns, xbf was pushing all my buttons and he played me like an XBox, on purpose or not, he did.

And now, you say the charming him, gosh, that is hard, they all seem to be popping up at the same time.

What happened then? are you all right? did you succumb to his charms? whatever it is i hope you are OK, keep posting, take care honey

October 20, 2006
10:11 pm
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honeyb
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kirikiri, thanks for your post!
doubleloss, you are such a good friend! thank you. no, I haven't given in, but I sure want to. I've got this yo yo thing going on in my head..If I end up hurt by this guy, I can't blame anyone but myself..I've read so many of the threads on here and to be honest, he is not as harsh as most I've read about on here. Not backing up, he has used, abused, and manipulated me but it doesn't change my feelings as pointless as they may be. Promises, promises,promises - they are made to be broken, but they aren't suppose to be. If only I could see into my crystal ball - but there I go into fantasy land again..need to get my head out of the clouds and breathe some oxygen. Sometimes I think it would be better to just rollover and play dead.

October 20, 2006
10:29 pm
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doubleloss
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i love that, roll over and play dead. LOL!

yep, imagination is amazing. well, xbf wasn't monstrous either, that makes it even harder, he showed a very ugly side when he dumped me, before, well, some red flags but i was so willing to ignore them, nothing major i thought.
he hasn't shown up though, i don't think he will, might as well because otherwise i don't know if i would be strong enought to say back off.... i always think people are good, you know, why would he want to hurt me? anyway, it is weird. did you ever that thread about the shiny ball? it was here a few weeks ago, it made an impression on me. i don't want to keep playing with that shiny ball that has blades all over it. BUT....our minds, anyway, so nice to hear from you, and know you're all right. fi you come up with an anti-charm formula .... let me know! or better yet....the stop fantasizing pill... that would be even better. hugs, double.

October 20, 2006
11:13 pm
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Trudgin_Tessy
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I know it isn't easy to "let go" of a relationship; especially when we think we have so much invested in it. I let some 10 years a go and now I've remarried (been 17 months already). My how time flies!

I thought "he" was the one...that he was hand-picked by God. I've been having some secone and third feelings lately. Maybe the "honey moon" phase is over...the star dust is beginning to settle (LOL). I was single for 10 almost 11 years...had my own house, car, job, support group, friends, family, and my spoiled rotten dogboy (Schnauzer).

It seems that he doesn't like to spend a lot of money of going out to nice restaurants (which I like to do...not all the time though.) I work part-time, as a legal secretary (retired 4 yrs ago from state government) and I would like to go to a nice restaurant on Friday evenings with my special partner. He would rather go to the same place all the time. Nothing really fancy or eloquent, which is fine for quick get away dinners, but not all the time. I realize he doesn't get along with a lot of the highly seasoned menus because he has had quad bipass heart surgery about 6 years ago. But sometimes I think he uses this as an excuse. I could be wrong!

I'm trying to stay in reality thinking, pay attention to my gut feelings, and not go into my old passive role that I used to retreat to.

I sold my house a year ago this August after we were married. We did refinance his house this June and I was added to the deed and also the mortgage. Some people told me I should have (oops--there's the shoulds) only had my name put on the deed. Well, it's a done thing, so I won't worry about that.

Sometimes I think I rushed into getting married instead of taking my time (impulsivity???). Now I know I need to focus on staying healthy and not falling into the codependency trap again. We met in October 2004; became engaged in January 2005 and married in May of 2005.

I did pray for a person who believed in God and wasn't a drinker and for someone who knew how to take care of their finances (balance a checkbook...which he does!) And I received what I sent out in prayer.

Well, I've rambled on long enough. I just found this site tonight when doing a codependency recovery search on the net. I hope I haven't worn out my welcome. Guess I needed to vent.

May you all be blessed with Divine Light, Wisdom, Joy and Peace this evening.

October 21, 2006
10:13 am
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honeyb
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Trudging Tessy, Welcome! and thanks for reading my thread. Your words are very welcome here and you can never wear out that welcome. Your post is very encouraging to me. Thank you for the post!
Doubleloss- I think I messed up! I spent some time with him last night. He needed a ride to the store on the other side of town to buy somethings too large to carry, so I took him. We had a great time! Uncomplicated for the most part..he even bought me a soda. Moreover, he knew I was feeling down because I was passed over at work for a big promotion that I have poured my heart into. He listened to why I was upset about it. (My boss told me that I was passed over because they offered it to a guy that they didnt think would accept-I was next in line- of course - THAT MADE ME FEELS TONS BETTER!!!!!!)Anyway, he listened to my feelings and he heard me! At least he replied appropriately - this is sort of a new thing for him..

October 21, 2006
3:30 pm
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doubleloss
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honeyb, well, i wouldn't call it a mess up, it's just being human i guess. how are you feeling?

i'm sorry you didn't get the promotion! that sucks, but i'm sure it's because something better is coming your way or that job wasn't that great or something.
i really want to understand the essence, the core of feelings. why do we get so attached to men that WE KNOW can never give us what we want and need? is that something that can be understood? does the problem lie within us -childhood issues, self esteem, or the alignment of the planets???

i can't believe so many of us are stuck or experiencing this kind of issues. and i can't believe there are so many WEIRD, mean men out there.

mmhhh, what is it , really?

October 21, 2006
3:40 pm
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honeyb
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doubleloss, great friend.. I have spent the day crying my eyes out. Maybe it's a pity party, but it's my party and I'll cry if I want too. I just wish I could feel confident in making a decision. I KNOW he's done some bad things, but I also KNOW he WANTS to live 'outside of chaos'. I am just not sure if he knows how. He's lived that way for all of his life - shown nothing different until me. I am pretty boring really, and he wants that- so he says. Yo-Yo..thats me. I want him..I am willing to work hard, but the fear..absolute fear. If he is not sincere, then I can't really blame him this time can I?

October 21, 2006
3:49 pm
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doubleloss
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oh honey. i cried all night last night. xbf showed up to a place i hang out at. i hadn't seen/talk to him for 4 weeks, and all is back to the surface. i miss him i want him and i see him and i melt, i just want to hug him and kiss him and just forget about everything....

i think you need to go through whatever you need. if i could i would not ever regreat anything, but if regreat is going to happen better to have it over what I DID that over ehte WHAT IF....having said that...i'm sure that deep inside you know what you would be getting into, so then it's about taking responsibilty for your feelings, and i think that is just as hard to do many times.

i have 2 friends that know all that has gone down w/xbf, i don't like to talk to friends aobut these things but today i caught myself that it's kind of "insurance" for me. I would think twice to get back with him, my best friends don't trust him and don't like him (they didn't even before all this happened). thought they've said...whateer you decide, we'll always be here for you...

so, i tell you the same. just be careful with your heart. you only have one and we all only have 1 shot at this life. let's try to make it the best we can...

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