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Ashamed
February 12, 2007
6:04 am
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Jakote
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September 24, 2010
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I am having problems sleeping. You'll have to forgive me if I don't use the right lingo. I just learned about co-dependency a week ago. I have some things to say that I can't say to anyone else and this seems the safest place.

I was physically abused by my mother and sexually abused a baby sitter's son for years. However, I have dealt pretty well with it for most of my life until a few years ago.

Now I find myself unable to sleep at night. I get these physical feelings of being sexually aroused at night and sometime during the day. I hate it. I get panicky feeling and I lock myself up in my house when it happens during he day. It happened this morning. I just lie in my be until it goes away. I am not addicted to sex. I don't go on porn sites. I don't have sexual thoughts and feelings for others, except my husband. I masturbate to make it go away so I can sleep. Sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn't. But I am not addicted to masturbating. I don't try to find ways and times to do it. I don't do it during the day or outside of my home. I merely can't stand the feeling. My whole body get to feeling tingly all over, not just my groin area. I cry almost every night when it happens. I cry while I'm masturbating. All I want is for it to go away.

During the day, I am fine, except on days where I've gone nights without sleep. Then I spend the day doing nothing because I am too incapacitated to do anything.

I don't have a weird sex life or anything abnormal except what I'm telling you. I used to be super trusting, but I have become afraid of everyone. I am miserable and I have been going to therapy. I have tried drugs (prescribed). They don't help. They make me worse.

It is now 5:00 a.m. and I only got 3 hours sleep. I can't have a regular job because I have days that I can't function. I need help, but I don't know where to go. I don't want to go to a CoDA group because they're all at churches and I haven't had luck in people being understanding and non-judgemental at church. Don't get me wrong. I attend church regularly, but they just don't understand me.

February 12, 2007
7:38 am
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bevdee
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September 30, 2010
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Jakote,

This happens to me when I am scared. I was molested by a female babysitter when I was 10, and it has happened ever since. When I felt the fear arousal, it was scary to me too. I thought there was something bad wrong with me.

I haven't talked about this a whole lot, but I suspect - we are not freaks, ok? I believe it happens to me because my first sexual experience was one associated with fear and shame, and it is all tied together in my mind. Fear triggers my arousal.

Maybe you could talk to your therapist about it? S/he might be able help. There are good folks here to talk to also.

Bevdee

February 12, 2007
7:44 am
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Jakote
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September 24, 2010
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Bevdee,

Thank you so much. I really thought something was wrong with me, but you are right I need to work through this somehow. Thank you for sharing.

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