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ARTIST 2: I saw him today and he saw me... it wasn't pretty
February 21, 2004
12:44 pm
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bachjazz
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Hi All...
Hi artist,
I am very sorry u r going thru this. I am too. My marriage ended two years ago when my husband was having an affair with a family friend. It took 2 years for me to get the courage to date again and I fell head over heels for a guy from my office in another state. I visit there frequently.
He was telling me he wasn't sure if he wanted to take the "relationship" to the next level. When he saw how intense my feelings were, he backed off completely. I am consumed with thinking about him and wanting to call him, make him want this as much as I do. Wisdom tells me I can't, my heart tells me to try anyway. Wisdom has won out so far.
The comment about "him being a drug" struck a cord with me. This man that I am infatuated with has 2 children in another country that he rarely sees. I think, if he can't love his own flesh and blood, innocent sweet children, what makes me think he's capable of loving in an adult relatinship. I think something is wrong within me, but I really don't know how to fix it.
My therapist tells me my guy is an avoider and emotionally immature. She says I am a care taker and craving love I didn't get from my parents. CODEPENDANT???
I guess I should be starting my own thread, because I don't know if I can give u support. I can definitely identify with how u r feeling though. Your email has helped me because I don't feel so crazy knowing there are other that go through this too. The good news is, there are people that have gone through it successfully.
One thing in my favor is that I have family and friends that have supported me and I go to be with them whenever I can. Even if I'm donw, I go anyway and recieve their support.
Take care.

February 21, 2004
12:56 pm
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Zinnie
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Hi all,

My case when I went through this was a little different as I was widowed. But, once I relocated for my job it became really lonely because I was in a new state all by myself, completely alone.

During the day was not so bad because I had work, but the evenings and weekends were hard. I made definite "plans" to fill my time - that is what helped me the most.

I got a dog, and spent lots of time walking and training her. I bought a crossword puzzle book subscription. I bought jigsaw puzzles, and books by the case - all so I would have "something" to do. I found I was actually quite content with my life for a while. Eventually, I started meeting people here in town. Met them through work, Church, even some at the park where I walked my dog.

Perhaps this would help if you tried something like this?

Z.

February 21, 2004
1:11 pm
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bachjazz
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Hi Zinnie,
I too have been keeping very busy. My thoughts still wonder back to him and there is a sadness there, but, I believe that will subside.
I'm not ditching Church, or God, but I became very disillusioned when I attended a divorce care group and saw the number of couples within the Church divorcing. My husband was sleeping with a woman I sat in Church with for 2 years. Now, I know that is not God's plan and that they are imperfect human beings. But, I am disillusioned. It sad, because I crave romantic love but I don't believe in true love anymore. Maybe, though, someone will want to commit and build somethng worth having.

February 21, 2004
1:23 pm
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Zinnie
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Hi Jazz,

Sadly just because people believe in God - it does not stop divorce from happening.

You would think however, that these fine upstanding people who are sitting next to you in Church would not be the ones having the extra-maritial affairs with your spouse though. I sure understand that.

It takes time, there is no denying that. I know when I got out of a relationship that was not good for me, it was hard. The strange thing was that we were not together really for all that long. Only about six or seven months. But, it seemed like the hurt lasted just as long; now looking back though I see that I prolonged the hurt myself by letting myself think about him, wondering what he was doing and with who and wondering why he treated me the way he did.

Then a bright light went off over my head and it was like "hum... it was not just me he treated like that - he treats everyone like that." Sure enough - he does. We grew up in the same neighborhood and our families know each other. So, every now and then I hear something in passing about him, and no, it was not just me - it never was. It was him.

I guess my only advice is to just keep your chin up, keep yourself busy and know that you are worthy of being loved and respected.

Now - regarding him and the family friend - will they ever be happy? Probably not, because even if they are together now - how will they ever trust each other? After all, they know how they met.

Z.

February 21, 2004
2:15 pm
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bachjazz
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Hi Z.
Thanks. I am really trying to redirect my thoughts from "him". Where the mind goes, the heart follows!!!!

I am signing up for a karate class today and plan to take dance classes. My own interests that I've neglected for a long time. There was always a man to hold my interest.

As for my soon 2b ex and the other woman, they are not together. She went back with her husband and I see the mistrust he has for her. It is truly sad. My husband says he probably never should have married me and he is more content on his own.
I have very little to do with him since we have no children. I am proud that I did not chase him in the least. I believed him fully when he said he didn't love me and I accepted that harsh reality immediately. It is really the most devastating thing I've ever been through and I vowed never to date again. The fact that I was willing to risk hurt again is progress. I read the other day, "Maybe God lets u have the wrong people in your life so that u will really appreciate when the right one comes along". I hope that's true. I can be alone and find entertainment, but there has always been a longing for an intimate relationship with a man. My female relationships are wonderful. I have truly learned to value them much more over the past 2 years.

With the new guy I was seeing, he was "stinging me along" for lack of a better term, leaving me with the possiblity that it might work out. All the while, he ignored me and even stood me up on occasion. When I broke it off with him, he made me feel sorry for him. It's no good though. Even when I thought things were good between us, I felt very anxious about the relationship.
I think I will go to Church tomorrow to worship God. He has been so parient with me. I have been the obstinent hurt child lately. It's time to walk the emotionally healthy healing path. Any prayers for me will be greaty appreciated.
I am so Blessed to have this support from you. I am praying now the He will bless u in a special way for your caring. THANK YOU.

February 21, 2004
4:40 pm
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nancee
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Hi all. I was talking to Artist yesterday and it helped me so much. I see that there are so many supportive people here and it makes me feel stronger. It is Saturday afternoon and I have managed to avoid calling my ex-guy. I got my computer set up without his help, yea for me! I don't know why some men have such a hard time making a clean break, it is true, they want us to be there until they decide what they want, and many times they do not choose us and we are left empty handed. That is why I am trying to work on my life without him, and if we do end up together, our relationship will be stronger, and if we don't get back together, at least I have improved my life. It is hard and I have to take it one day at a time. Seeing all of you who are going through or have gone through the same thing inspires me to be a stronger person. Thanks to all of you just for being there. I have to go work for a couple of hours but will try to check in later. And Artist, I am on central time also. Thanks again ladies, I think I have finally the support I've been looking for......Nan

February 21, 2004
11:00 pm
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artist 2
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Nan, I really liked what you ahd to say about, if you ended up together, you'd be stronger and if you don't, you still have your own life - improved! that's a great reminder. I think that too - that if we ended up together, tii would be so much different and better - and that makes it so much easier feeling like being apart is the right thing to do! It's starting to feel more normal.

February 22, 2004
12:55 am
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nancee
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Hey Artist, it's Nan, I'm glad if something I said helped you. Sometimes feeling like I'm helping someone else helps me too. I think we can be a great source of support to one another. You are doing great and I am doing the best I can for now. I am getting stronger every day and I'm sure you are too. I will talk to you soon. Keep up the good work....Nan

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