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ARTIST 2: I saw him today and he saw me... it wasn't pretty
February 19, 2004
7:31 pm
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artist 2
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I was coming home from work headed to the grocery store and I saw him picking up his son at school. I really wish he hadn't talked me into moving into the apartments across the street. How was I to know he would betray me and withdraw everything he said before I moved out? What a friggin loser he is.

So I passed by and started shaking and immediately went into a panic attack. I didn't go to the store I turned around andwent back to my apartment and collapsed on the bed in tears. I called my therapist.

I want so much to call and say "Hey I saw you. How are you doing?" What the Hell??? I mean he's not calling me, he's not writing me, asking me how i'm doing. I told him after I moved that it was really hard for me. And he's just letting me lie here and suffer. He doesn't care!!!!

February 19, 2004
7:35 pm
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artist 2
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This is the face of a loser:

February 19, 2004
7:36 pm
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artist 2
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oops, that did something funky to the table. Help!

February 19, 2004
8:12 pm
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vixster
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Sorry to hear you're going thru all of this. Were you able to talk to your therapist? You'll pull thru - it may not seem like it now, but you will.

February 19, 2004
9:04 pm
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strengthishere
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Artist,

Let it out and cry but let it go. I know that it's hard to let that go but you need to start doing things for yourself and to find yourself and strength. You will be o.k. just believe in yourself and start telling yourself that in the mirror. I hope you feel better.

Strength

February 19, 2004
10:14 pm
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marley
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artist -

I am so sorry that you had to go through that. I know that feeling of panic when you finally see someone you are trying so hard to get over. once (like a million years ago) my boyfriend convinced me to take an apartment one door down from his in the same complex. Then months after we broke up I saw him sitting on the lawn with his new girlfriend and she was wearing shorts and HER BRA! I was mortified, I couldn't do anything. So I know how you feel and it isn't good.

But what is good is that you just walked by and didn't try to talk to him. At the very least, he saw your resolve to try to live without him. Who knows what will happen now?

Hope you are doing better. I will be here all night if you need someone.

Marley

February 20, 2004
8:26 am
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artist 2
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One small victory... It was really hard not to try and call him. I called my therapist and told him I was having paranoid thoughts about how he had been planning to use me all along... even thoughts about how he and my therapist (whom my ex recommended) were in collusion with each other to make me crazy. What's wrong with me? I'd like to let it go, but I STILL LOVE HIM. And who the heck knows why.

February 20, 2004
8:32 am
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Kessie
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Artist, this is not love - it is addiction. But you are starting to tackle it. I read the post above and Oh yes do I remember that feeling!
But the fact that you resisted it is so good! Believe me, - please believe me - if you can keep going it will get easier, and you will feel better. I think about David still, and even think about phoning him, but last night I though about it and I suddenly said to myself - what for? we have nothing to say to each other now! I havent seen him since January 2nd; and the craving has lessened.

Thinking of you.

K

February 20, 2004
11:59 am
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artist 2
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Are you sure it's an addiction? I mean I remember all the good times and start missing him, feeling all warm and fuzzy toward him. I guess the only reason I'm not calling is to give him space, like he wants. Plus, you're right - what is there to say anyway?

February 20, 2004
12:08 pm
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Zinnie
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Artist,

I thought you two were moving apart to give each other a little space, but not to end things?

If you saw him and wanted to talk to him, why couldn't you have just stopped by and said "hi, how are you doing today?"

Z.

February 20, 2004
1:19 pm
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artist 2
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I dont' know Kessie... He told me Sunday that it was up to me how often I showed up at his house, how often I used the studio, and that his door was always open. He also said that hat he didn't feel connected to me, and that he didn't feel connected to our church and wasn''t going to go any more. I told him the idea of being "friends" was too painful for now. He says I should give it some time then. I said I guess I should give back your key and he siad that was fine. I think maybe he just wants me gone for good but is afraid to say so. It's just the feeling I have. I don't have the feeling he does NOT want to end things. He hasn't called or emailed me all week long. I wish you could read his mind for me and tell me what he's thinking. I'm so confused...

February 20, 2004
1:28 pm
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nancee
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Hi Artist,
I am completely new here. Have been browsing through the threads for a couple of days trying to find someone or something I can relate to. I instantly related to the feelings you are going through. I don't know your whole story, but I think I am going through something similar. I have loved a guy for over 5 years and right before Christmas we got closer than ever and then suddenly he needed some time to figure out his life. He thinks he may want to date other people but he isn't sure about anything. I recently started therapy and was immediately diagnosed as codependent. My therapist wants me to work on making myself happy but I don't have a clue how to do that. How can I meditate or pray or think about myself at all when all I do is think about him and wonder what he is doing. I know what you mean about remembering the good times and missing him, feeling warm and fuzzy. I gave him a complete month with no contact but broke down and emailed him last week. Then I really broke down and called him Tuesday. It's like I just opened the wound again. I was kind of starting to do better when I wasn't having any contact with him and I just blew it and now I'm hurting so much. I am trying to give him space and tell myself that he will come back to me, but what if all this time I'm waiting for him to come back, he's moving on with his life? What good will that do me? I just don't know what to do to feel better or to stop thinking about him.

February 20, 2004
1:35 pm
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artist 2
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What did he say when you called? How did he act?

I really hate it when you give so much to something, then it's all gone. What you put yourself into has vanished. You feel like an orphan.

I'm reading a book called "Feeling Good" and so far it makes sense. It's about controlling our feelings through controlling our thinking patterns. Supposed to help people who are depressed.

February 20, 2004
1:48 pm
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nancee
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That's a good way of putting it, feeling like an orphan. I just feel abandoned. He had been such a big part of my life, even before we were involved we were really good friends for a few years. I guess a big part of me feels like I've lost a friend too. What started the communication was when I forwarded a funny email to him. He just replied 'I don't get it', which is how I always replied to him when he would send me a funny/dirty email. So then he would always say he would explain it to me when he saw me. It was kind of our little joke and a way of flirting. So when he responded with 'I don't get it', I flirted back and he just ignored me. The same thing happened this week and when he didn't respond back to me, I called him. I was practically throwing myself at him. I asked if he would come over and help me set up my new computer I just got for home. He said he would. We just kind of left it like that. Now I think that is the worst idea in the world to see him because it will hurt even worse when he leaves again. There is a line in a Fiona Apple song that says
"I want your warm but it will only leave me colder when it's over..."
That's how I felt a lot when I was with him. I always felt empty when he left like I had given him all of myself and there was nothing left. I just miss him soooo much. It's so scary to think about starting over with someone new. I'm crying now and at work so will stop now. Thank you so much for giving me something to relate to. It helps just knowing I'm not the only one.
Nancee

February 20, 2004
1:53 pm
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artist 2
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Come back tonight and talk... you can keep busy the rest of the day.

February 20, 2004
2:00 pm
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nancee
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Thanks. If I manage to get my new computer set up, I'll be back tonight. Otherwise, I'll check in tomorrow. I feel so relieved to have someone to talk to. Thank you so much.

February 20, 2004
4:01 pm
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nancee
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Are you still there? I'm having a panic attack thinking about spending another weekend alone. It's the weekend he doesn't have his son and I hate those weekends because I torture myself wondering what he is doing. The other weekends are a little easier. He hasn't mentioned helping me with the computer again, so he's obviously not wanting to see me very badly.

February 20, 2004
4:11 pm
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artist 2
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Yes! I know the weekends are so rough... I'm feeling pretty desolate too....

and mine is not responding to any of my emails. Probably too busy with his own life.

February 20, 2004
4:17 pm
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nancee
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I know the feeling. How long have you been apart?

February 20, 2004
4:23 pm
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nancee
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I'm leaving work in a few minutes to go to a movie. My counselor keeps telling me to do things for myself. She wants me to do things with my friends but sometimes I just want to be alone. I'll try to touch base with you tomorrow and maybe we can chat more. Have a good evening and I will try to also.....Nan

February 20, 2004
4:40 pm
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artist 2
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Only a couple of weeks...long days... but it's really the way everything was left. Two different ideas of how it would be...

About being alone - it's ok. I do it all the time. It gives me time to think.

Probably will be around here tomorrow afternoon, or on Monday, it's pretty much all day.

I hope your movie is good. I'm going for a walk with a friend after work, but spending the evening alone.

I'm on central time - how about you?

February 20, 2004
5:15 pm
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Wanttobewell
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Hi Artist,,, I'm sorry you're having a hard time. We're here for you. W.

February 20, 2004
5:21 pm
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artist 2
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Thanks...

February 20, 2004
8:30 pm
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marley
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artist -

are you doing ok? You sound better. Did you try to speak to him since all the posts or are you still "detoxing" and letting him move on.

Men are so odd - but I think mostly they want us to hang around until they figure out what they want, so that is often what we do. Somehow we are raised to think this is our job.

Hope you are well.

February 20, 2004
8:55 pm
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artist 2
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I did not try to call him. Praise the Lord...

Seems like we have to keep them wondering to keep them interested. Are they all BOZOS?

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