Avatar
Please consider registering
guest
sp_LogInOut Log In sp_Registration Register
Register | Lost password?
Advanced Search
Forum Scope


Match



Forum Options



Minimum search word length is 3 characters - maximum search word length is 84 characters
sp_TopicIcon
Army, are you here?
October 14, 2006
4:23 pm
Avatar
Anonymous
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline
126sp_Permalink sp_Print

LL

I was in an abusive relationship and got out and am safe. I also grew up in one. So, please do not assume just because I am able to choose not to stay in one, that I have never been a victim or understand every word you wrote. It was horrible, and I expect I will forever be recovering.

As you say, take what you need and leave the rest. If staying is what she needs, she should stay.

Now, I have to make plans to attend a funeral. My friend just passed away. Sometimes it takes such events to reaize that I need to take care of me. I have nothing to contribute here.

Peace, love, serenity, good health, and safety,
P&L

October 14, 2006
6:52 pm
Avatar
armyleo
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline
127sp_Permalink sp_Print

PLEASE DON'T FIGHT I CAN'T STAND IT!!!!

October 14, 2006
6:58 pm
Avatar
mamacinnamon
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: 0
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline
128sp_Permalink sp_Print

Honey, they are not fighting. Honest. A little debating. A little difference of opinion. That is what happens when you get so many different folks from different placesl together. But please, they are not fighting.

How are you feeling this afn??

October 14, 2006
8:03 pm
Avatar
Ladeska
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline
129sp_Permalink sp_Print

Good God no, no one's fighting here. Just sharing different points of view. It's okay for people to have different opinions, or different insights, different experiences and share it, as long as people are respectful. You can even be passionate about it. Debate as it's really intended to be, when done right, is full of all that, can even be quite heated. Not "at the person" but about their views. These days we tend to have forgotten how to do that and if someone has a different way of looking at something, we get all offended or take it as an attack. It's as if we are in an atmosphere of not being able to question anything or challenge the status quo way of looking at something without taking everything personally. I just see that alot these days all over the place. It's like everyone's on edge all the time. We just miss out, that's all. We miss out on really "hearing" the other person, or maybe miss out on stepping back and not reacting and really thinking about what's been said and considering it's worth. We're all off the mark here and there. No one has the absolute truth on anything. We see through a glass dimly on alot of things. But when you put different pieces of wisdom together - we can all advance forward holding onto certain truths.

October 14, 2006
8:46 pm
Avatar
red blonde
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline
130sp_Permalink sp_Print

Army,

How long has this been going on? Did this come about recently or has it progressively gotten worse since he came back from war, you said, a year ago?

Did he see chaos, car bombs, suidice bombers, killings, maimings, or so?
The area that he is a leo in, is it a dangerous area...lot of drugs, crimes, shootings, etc.?

Adrenalin keeps one on the edge, ready to fight, and somewhat paranoid. Survival in a war is key. That is what happened in Viet Nam. And it didn't just affect the soldiers in the field, it affected others as well, doctors, medics, AND the nurses. They all came back with Post Traumatic Stress. Same with this war. They were on "guard" all the time. Adrenalin saturates the cells making people hyper-vigilant, too aware. PTSD is when people have been traumatized. Sometimes, panic attacks are associated with PTSD, which, more or less, are a "flight or fight" response because of reliving what they witnessed or endured. Fear is also an adrenalin releasor. Sustained trauma works on the body and brain. Like you feel when you are scared or panicky. When the fear or panic you feel passes, the sudden burst of Adrenalin wanes and things go back to normal in your system..you will feel drained and tired. It seems that your husband unfortunately has not been able to stop the constant release of Adrenalin. It was necessary in war for his survival, and if he is in an area of high crime as leo, it will still be released into his system. He can not take flight, so he is in the fight mode. And, unfortunately, you are with him when he is in this mode.

He does need help. Not only with counseling, therapy, etc., but also medically, to bring the adrenalin in his system to normal levels.

I am not a nurse or anything like that. My xh1 came back from Nam and did the same to me. But I had been "conditioned" to abuse by what had happened to me in my childhood.
(I still have issues.) He just got worse the longer we were together. And would not seek help.

You need to talk to someone about getting him to go to someone, a doctor, hospital, therapist, counselor, a pastor or priest, the police psychologist or counselor. I do not want to scare you, but you need help as well...if you sustain abuse and are in fear, you are having adrenalin rushes yourself. And over a period of time, you could have just as much in your system as your husband. You will constantly be in a "flight or fight" mode. And since you may not be able to DO anything about it, it paralyzes you into doing NOTHING about it.

I guess I am only speaking from experience. I have PTSD and panic disorder...since I could not take flight, nor could I fight, I was "paralzed" in to do NOTHING but enduring trauma after trauma. Until he finally just let me go..I think he talked to a priest or something. And since I still had adrenalin in my system, I started having flashbacks of my childhood abuse which I had blocked out of my memory.
I thought I was crazy when those started...and had flashbacks and nightmares for another 15 years before I was literally thrown into therapy. And in those 15 years, xh2 was an abuser and tried to choke me to death, and followed closed by xbf who threatened me with my life and the lives of everyone whom I loved, and had a "contract" out on me. I won't go into detail about that, still have panic attacks because of that and childhood.

I could tell you some REALLY good horror stories. Some other time, though.

I really do know what you are going through. All I can tell you is to TALK about it...here or to a trusted friend. SCREAM here, you have to, and CRY. WE ARE HERE! We will help you through this! Your self esteem is at an all time low and your confidence is probably shot. Just take baby steps at first. And I AM VERY PROUD OF YOU! You have made a couple of BIG STEPS already. Here on this site. BE PROUD OF YOURSELF FOR OPENING UP. It was a GIANT step.

I am here for you, if you want to talk.

Remember what I said about repeating good things three times to yourself as you are looking at yourself in a mirror? Have you tried that? You may feel stupid doing it or feel foolish, but what would it hurt, if you did so? Nothing to lose, right? Maybe something to gain!

(((((((((((ARMY))))))))))))

Red

October 15, 2006
1:31 am
Avatar
lovinglife
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 9
Member Since:
September 29, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline
131sp_Permalink sp_Print

Amry~

The very last thing I wanted was for you to feel stress or get you upset - I am soooo sorry if I have said something or done anything to upset you. When something is near and dear to my heart {guess it would be called a hot spot} it's not easy to walk away from - I wanted to - thought about it, but just couldn't.

I hope you had a good day. You are in many of our thoughts and prayers. I want to see you free, I want you to feel/know that your nightmare will end. It's going to come to an end, don't give up that hope.

LL

October 15, 2006
2:43 pm
Avatar
armyleo
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline
132sp_Permalink sp_Print

Wrote a thank--you note to everyone, I am so stupid I should have done it here, anyway the thread is "thank you to all"

October 15, 2006
4:27 pm
Avatar
smarterone
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline
133sp_Permalink sp_Print

Army, you are living in fear and he is living his own life, you are his puppet. It will never end. Neve.About the doctor visit. My ex, who is now in prison, thank god, and was very abusive and possessive, used to bring me to the doctor and tell them that i was violent, depressed, he couldnt control it, etc. He used to tell everyone right in the middle of a conversation, Oh donna is now i forgot the word, not bipolar but a dangerous type of depression. This was a cover up. I was to be know as the sick one. SO everyone thought he was an angel. This only was a plus when i applice for disability, he convinced them i was in need of help, but they later told me i was very depressed but the reason was him. Most doctors eventually see thru. It is very important to document anything. Since you wont leave, do that, it will help plenty. I dont agtee with your decisions but it is not my life and i do know the fear inside.
One thing, you would never believe how wonderful it is to live and not have to look over your shoulder out of fear. Im sorry to say this but his is a SICK BASTARD and you are too good for him. He owns you. You are not for sale. Get help. Even if you just put some calls into organizations so it is on record god forbid something should happen to you. God bless ou sweetheart.

October 16, 2006
3:30 am
Avatar
armyleo
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline
134sp_Permalink sp_Print

It's ~1 am here and I know noone is awake however I had to write!!!

I just finished posting ~ 8 hours ago that I was going to be fine - ha that lasted very long...

I just wish I had strong pain medicine now, lucky I don't because I might over medicate...

He comes home and looks around, the house I can already tell by that look that he's going to say something!!! Damit I tried to keep it looking semi presentabale....but I'm not getting around very good. Starts making inuendos WHICH I HATE BECAUSE THEY ARE DIRECTED AT ME!!!

16 year old had her homecoming dance tonight, yes on a sunday because the game was saturday - no school for her tomorrow, she loving it....go figure

Anyways he knew she was going he knew she was spending the night at her friends house...She told him twice in front of me, sometimes I wish I had a tape recorder, he pleaded the "you don't tell me anything crap", the "I don't count for anything around here crap" the "poor is me"

He drives me insane, makes it seem like it's me who is the problem here!!! I don't know maybe I am!!

Storms out of the house....Didn't leave long enough. returns with the cold shoulder treatment now..his feelings hurt... no one talk to me attitude.

told myself I wasn't going to show any emotions I wasn' going to let it bother me... I'm not I'm not i'not

I have the little one with me. Oh she's been clingy lately. Somedays more so than others.

Stronginhim - yo haven't answered my question....

Well I'm going to go to bed... Haven't been able to sleep...We'll see how long I'm up tonight. I was up until 3:00a, last night. I don't like nights they scare me...

October 16, 2006
4:16 am
Avatar
mamacinnamon
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: 0
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline
135sp_Permalink sp_Print

Armyangel:

Glad to see you.

Honey your youngest has been clingie lately. Do ya think it's coz she heard what hapened the other night and she can see the damage to your wrist? Think on it, ok

Just got home from doin some intervention. Girl I know, abusive hubby, 6 kids, 3 in teens and 3 younger. The 5 yr old asks his mom to leave dad coz he hurts her and he hates dad. The older 3 want her to go but don't want to go w/. She has her chance to go just as you do.

I'm glad things are a bit calmer, but they won't be that way long. Looks like tonight he's starting up again. Please think on this.

((( STILL HOLDING YOU CLOSE )))

October 16, 2006
6:51 am
Avatar
cyndra820
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 29, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline
136sp_Permalink sp_Print

Army,

I've been following your posts. Please stay safe. I've never been in your shoes so I haven't any good advice to offer.

Your youngest may be clingy because she heard what happened or simply because you are injured. She may sense "something" is wrong and wants to stay close to her mommy.

Take care.

October 16, 2006
11:39 am
Avatar
nappy
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 29, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline
137sp_Permalink sp_Print

Army, I been reading your thread and I hope you all the best in your life. I have been in abuses relationship but I guess I handles them difference because when they would hit me, I would hit them back. I learn that from living in a abuses relationship with my parent. My father was also in the services. He was a difference man each time he came home. Sometimes I use to wish that he would get killed over there. I was effected with my parent relationship because I was always afraid that my mother was going to leave my father and not take the children. I was very hard on me as the oldest.
I'm not telling you what to do but I do wish that you soon make a plan to leave him. He is not going to change especially if he is in the services. It is not the mens fault that they act like that. They wasn't acting like that in the beginning, it is what they went through that they comes back difference. Just imaging what these womens are going to go through once there husband comes back from fighting in Iraq. It is the govement fault because they don't take the time to see if these mens or womens can handle life back with there family once they are gone for several years. Everyone does change but the one that suffer is the ones that was left behind. They are hoping and wishing that everything was the same before they left but they are not. They do have problems and they sometimes don't know what the problems is because they have seen and heard and now they are program into another person.
My mother stayed because I know that she loved my father but he didn't treat her right. It was more behind closed door and she really didn't have anyone to talk to about it. She probably thought it was all her fault because she did everything to please my father in order for him to not be mad but that was a every day thing. She finally did leave him but it was took late for her. I do get angry when I think about it because what he put her through lead to her death. He beated her on a daily basis and it cause cancer because he was hitting her in the same places all the time. I glad that she finally left because as a child I wanted to kill my father. But I guess after my mother left he was the one to suffer because I knew that deep down inside he did love my mother and he did reap what he sow. It is funny because I was there when my father was dying and I told him that my mother was coming to get him and to take him home with her. The funny thing about it was that they both died on the same day, same month but difference year.
Get help soon for your self and for your children. Space them the pain that they will carry with them for the rest of there life. Let them see the strength in there mother and for you to show them especially your girls that you are a strong women and that no man, and I mean no man should treat them like there father is doing.

October 16, 2006
1:05 pm
Avatar
bevdee
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 259
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline
138sp_Permalink sp_Print

Miss Army,

Hey. I read where you said-

"Anyways he knew she was going he knew she was spending the night at her friends house...She told him twice in front of me, sometimes I wish I had a tape recorder, he pleaded the "you don't tell me anything crap", the "I don't count for anything around here crap" the "poor is me"

"He drives me insane, makes it seem like it's me who is the problem here!!! I don't know maybe I am!!"

NO YOU ARE NOT INSANE.

The abuser I lived with did this same thing. He lied and denied things he had told me. This made me doubt reality, and doubt myself. It made me confused. I started writing things down to keep track of his lies, and "modifications" of the truth.

He would tell me something that I knew happened on a Tuesday really happened on a Monday. Here is the best(or worst) distortion of the truth my Lucifer put forth - in referring to a past beating, it became a "disagreement".

Trust yourself, sweetheart. Do not look to him for truth or validation. He has proved he is incapable.

Hold on to your certainty. BABY IT IS NOT YOU.

Sending you my love and hope --

Bevdee

October 16, 2006
1:22 pm
Avatar
armyleo
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline
139sp_Permalink sp_Print

He is so good at this, somedays I know what I said others, I wonder if it really happened, or if I was dreaming the whole thing.

He has a way of twisting things with his words, somehow half way through I end up agreeing with him.

Then he says it's me who is emotionally unstable and it's me who provoked things, it's me who was running around like crazy and fell, and had an accident... He's told everyone that, has me believing it sometimes, did I get mad and start being crazy???

October 16, 2006
1:30 pm
Avatar
red blonde
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline
140sp_Permalink sp_Print

Army,

You have a LOT of friends and support on the site. Take it slow if you must. I know it is hard, damn near impossible. Your head is spinning, you don't know what to think or do or even feel most of the time. You love him. You are hoping things will change with him. You are afraid of him and afraid he will not change.
Just breathe and take baby steps!

There is one thread on the site: today - share one great thing about yourself - post one thing you feel good about yourself each day. It may help, and it sure couldn't hurt.

Right now, I am shaking like a leaf, I am going to read the thread about becoming prey to a C/A by Ladeska again. I think my art teacher is one!
SCARY to me!

(((((((((((Hugs and Prayers to you and yours))))))))))))

Red

October 16, 2006
1:33 pm
Avatar
armyleo
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline
141sp_Permalink sp_Print

Red - I tried reading Ladeska thread but I just can't grasp it all, it's almost like a foreign langague to me at the moment.

Hope you understand.

October 16, 2006
1:39 pm
Avatar
bevdee
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 259
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline
142sp_Permalink sp_Print

Miss Army,

Hold on to your certainty. Don't let him make you lose sight of it.

Before I left this Lucifer, this beater/cheater had everyone convinced he was such a great guy, and SO devoted to me. I found out later that is a classic abuser technique, used to isolate the victim. Most everyone was surprised or disbelieving when I told why I left. My family included.

When I left Luc, I had so little self-esteem. This is why your post grabbed me. He had me convinced I was worthless, not smart/couldn't cook/ wasn't pretty/ was rotten in bed, not a good daughter/sister/ - on and on.

Guess what - he lied.

You hold on to your certainty.

I'll be back tomorrow.

More love - Bevdee

October 16, 2006
2:44 pm
Avatar
kasie919
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline
143sp_Permalink sp_Print

ArmyAngel,

I got all this from a web site.

womenslaw.org..

please read on, see what there is, your not alone,

ive been thinking about you, hope your ok..

Love Kasie

Search for state and territory info:

Select State ALAKAZARCACOCTDEDCFLGAGuamHIIDILINIAKSKYLAMEMDMAMIMNMSMOMTNENVNHNJNMNYNCNDOHOKORPARISCSDTNTXUTVIVTVAWAWVWIWY

WomensLaw.org Home
What is WomensLaw.org?

More Info on Domestic Violence
Info for Teens

Info for Immigrants
Military Info

Tribal Info
Custody & Kidnapping Info
Safety Planning

Internet Security

National Links & Resources
Chats & Message Boards
Volunteer Opportunities

Questionnaire

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Lea esta página en español.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

National Domestic Violence Hotline:
1-800-799-SAFE (7233) or
(TTY) 1-800-787-3224

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Find out about the WomensLaw.org email list!

Contact Us

Contribute online to WomensLaw.org.

We would like to thank Debby Tucker and Valinda Bolton of the National Center on Domestic and Sexual Violence, for their help researching the information on this page.

The Miles Foundation has published important information on this subject and directly helps survivors of domestic violence and sexual assault in the military. See A Considerable Service: An Advocate's Introduction to Domestic Violence and the Military.

Note: This page was last updated on May 17, 2004.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

TABLE OF CONTENTS
What are the differences between the military and the civilian justice systems?
What is the military's definition of domestic abuse?
How do I get help in the military system?
What is the Family Advocacy Program (FAP)?

What happens after FAP receives a report of abuse?
Will everything I say be kept confidential?
What will happen to my spouse if I report his abuse?
What is a Military Protective Order (MPO)?
Am I eligible to get an MPO?
What are the steps for getting an MPO?
What can I do if I am not granted an MPO?
How long is an MPO valid?
How much does it cost to get an MPO?
Are MPOs and civil protective orders valid wherever I go?
Do I need both an MPO and a civil protective order?
What should I do if my abuser violates the MPO?
Is any financial compensation available to me?
Will the military take away my abuser's firearms?
Where can I find additional resources on the Internet?

(back to top)

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

What are the differences between the military and the civilian justice system?

One of the main differences between the military and civilian justice systems is that, in the military, the commanding officer has the authority to decide what behavior to address and whether to use judicial, administrative, or other means to deal with problems such as domestic abuse. There are some general guidelines, but the important point is that the commander can use his full discretion to decide what to do.

The civilian justice system deals with domestic abuse in a more systematic way. Courts will decide what punishment or other action to take, based on testimony and evidence from both sides. Please see your state's page on this site (www.WomensLaw.org) to see how the civilian justice system handles domestic abuse.

In both the military and the civilian justice systems, you can seek a protective order, requiring your abuser to stay away from you and stop abusing you. The main difference is that Military Protective Orders (MPOs) cannot be enforced by civilian courts and are not recognized by law enforcement off the military base. MPOs should be written, but in some cases they are simply spoken by the commanding officer. In other cases, you may not receive a copy of the MPO from the commander.

Finallly, unlike civil protective order proceedings, there is no real appeal process in the military if you are denied a MPO or if you disagree with the decision of the commanding officer. You can seek assistance in a variety of ways if the MPO is denied, and you can continue to inform the commander of further abuse, but there is no formal appeals process.

(back to top)

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

What is the military's definition of domestic abuse?

The Department of Defense's Family Advocacy Program (FAP) uses the term "spousal abuse" to refer to assault, battery, threat to injure or kill, other acts of force or violence, and emotional maltreatment committed by one spouse against another. This definition does not refer to violence between unmarried intimate partners, and therefore significantly limits the FAP's response. (FN1)

The Defense Task Force on Domestic Violence (DTFDV) has recommended changes to this definition, recognizing the need for including unmarried couples in the definition of abuse for the FAP.

Even if you are not married to your abuser, you are eligible to request a Military Protective Order (MPO) against any active duty member of the military who has committed an act of domestic abuse against you. (FN2)

(Back to top)

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

How do I go get help in the military system?

If you are married to your abuser, you can seek help from the Family Advocacy Program (FAP). You will find a listing of FAP offices on the Military Family Resource Center website.

Anyone may also also seek help on the base from chaplains, medical personnel, a Military Treatment Facility (MTF), the Provost Marshal's Office (PMO), a counselor at a Substance Abuse Counseling Center, a social worker, a Judge Advocate, the Military Police, or a commanding officer who you trust. Please keep in mind that whoever you talk to within the military is required to report the abuse to the FAP. (FN3)

Your conversations with Chaplains, however, may be kept confidential. You should be sure to ask your Chaplain about that before you say anything that you want kept from your abuser. The Defense Task Force on Domestic Violence has recommended that the Dept. of Defense adopt a policy to address Chaplain confidentiality throughout the military. (FN4)

You may also decide to seek help outside of the military as an initial step. Shelters and agencies in your area can help you think through your options. To find an agency in your area, go to the Links & Resources page for your state on this site (www.WomensLaw.org).

For further information about getting help in the military, see "A Considerable Service: An Advocate's Introduction to Domestic Violence and the Military," by Christine Hansen of the Miles Foundation. Published in the April/May 2001 issue of Domestic Violence Report.

(back to top)

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
What is the Family Advocacy Program (FAP)?
The Department of Defense (DoD) established the Family Advocacy Program (FAP) to be "a command support program with responsibility for addressing family violence in military families, through prevention efforts, early identification and intervention, support for victims, and treatment for abusers." (FN5)

FAP, which includes clinically licensed professionals trained in family violence, is responsible for ensuring victim safety and access to support and advocacy services, and that abusers receive appropriate intervention services. DOD policies and FAP standards require coordination between FAP, law enforcement, and commanders to ensure program effectiveness. (FN6)

(back to top)

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

What happens after FAP receives a report of abuse?

After FAP receives a report of abuse from you or from whoever you have reported it to, a counselor will be in contact with you to talk about the situation. DoD is expanding the availability of victim advocates specifically for victims of domestic abuse, and you should be referred to one.

The FAP counselor will want to talk to you and your husband to get more information about what happened. Be sure to tell the counselor if you want separate meetings so you do not have to talk about it in front of your husband.

The Case Review Committee (CRC) then determines if abuse has occurred and if the service member is a candidate for treatment. The CRC is a team of service providers and other professionals who are directly involved with your case. The commanding officer, the FAP counselor, and your victim advocate will also attend the CRC meeting and present information about your case.

Based on information presented at that meeting, the CRC will determine whether the case is "substantiated," "suspected," or "unsubstantiated."

Based on those findings, the CRC makes clinical recommendations for treatment, not recommendations for administrative or disciplinary action. The commanding officer maintains authority for taking disciplinary action and issuing a MPO. This section FN7.

(back to top)

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Will everything I say be kept confidential?

No. Everyone who works within the military system is required to report domestic and child abuse to the FAP. The DoD is developing a policy for confidentiality of communications between domestic abuse victims and victim advocates. Please talk to your victim advocate about the confidentiality policy so you understand what may not be kept secret from your abuser or the military. (FN8)

Conversations with the chaplain may be confidential, but make sure to ask the chaplain what his/her confidentiality policy is. (See FN4.)

(back to top)

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

What will happen to my spouse if I report the abuse?

If you report the abuse of your military service member spouse, then the FAP will become involved. The FAP may recommend treatment for the abuser through the Case Review Committee (CRC).

Your spouse's commander will have full authority to decide how to handle the report of abuse. The commander may order clinical treatment as recommended by the CRC and/or take any disciplinary action or punishment s/he believes is appropriate.

If the commander believes the abuse is severe, s/he can begin proceedings to administratively separate your spouse from the military or begin court-martial proceedings. (This section, see FN7.)

For more information on how the commander may handle your case, see the FAP Commanders Guide, Taking Action: Follow Up Response to Family Violence Committed by a Service Member. But remember that these are just guidelines and that the commander has the authority to take any action s/he sees fit.

(back to top)

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

What is a Military Protective Order (MPO)?

Unit commanders may issue Military Protective Orders (MPOs) to ensure the safety of service members, family members, and other individuals from the threat of domestic violence. (FN9)

Note that you may request an MPO even if you are not married to the person who has abused you.

In an MPO, the abuser is called "the subject" because s/he is the subject of the order.

MPOs may:

Prohibit the subject from having face to face, telephone, or written contact with the victim, including those conducted through third parties.
Bar the subject from designated areas or places, such as military family housing, the family home off the installation, schools, place of employment, child development centers, and youth programs.
Require a service member who is the subject of the MPO to move into government quarters.
Require the subject to leave any public place if the victim is in the same location or facility.
Require the subject to do certain activities or refrain from doing certain activities. (FN9)
Commanders may tailor their orders to meet your specific needs. An MPO may also order the service member to surrender his/her government weapons custody card. (FN10)

An MPO is only enforceable while the service member is attached to the commander that issued the order. When the service member is transferred, the order will no longer be valid. If circumstances warrant the continuation of the MPO, the commander who issued the MPO should contact the new commander to advise him or her of the MPO. (FN10)

Civilian abusers cannot be subject to MPOs. They may only be subject to a civil protection or restraining order issued by a state or tribal court. However, a commanding officer may order that the civilian abuser stay away from the base or installation.

(back to top)

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Am I eligible to get a Military Protective Order (MPO)?

You are eligible to file for a MPO against any active duty member of the military if the commander agrees to it. The active duty member does not have to be a spouse or intimate partner, but he does have to be a service member. (See FN9)

(back to top)

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

What are the steps for getting an MPO?

There is no clear, step-by-step process for getting a Military Protective Order (MPO).

Probably the best place to start is with a victim advocate on base or at the local domestic violence program, if there is one who is familiar with your installation's practices.

Also, the installation commander has the responsibility to ensure the effectiveness of FAP, military police, etc. Their office should able to tell you how to get a MPO.

The military police, the JAG office, the Provost Marshal's Office, or FAP are also resources you can contact for guidance. See also How do I get help in the military system?

(back to top)

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

What can I do if I am not granted an MPO?

If you are not granted a MPO, you might still be eligible for a civil protective or restraining order issued by your home state, or the state you are currently living in.

Check the "How to Get a Restraining Order" page for your state on this website to find out if you are eligible.

Please note that protective orders and civil restraining orders might not be enforced on military bases. See "Are MPOs and civil protective orders valid where ever I go?" below.

(back to top)

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

How long is an MPO valid?

Your MPO may or may not have an expiration date. Even if it does, the commanding officer may review the MPO at any time and change it or dissolve it. (See FN9)

Also, an MPO is only enforceable while the service member is attached to the command that issued the order. When the service member is transferred to a new command, the order will no longer be valid. If circumstances warrant the continuation of the MPO, the commander who issued the MPO should contact the new commander to advise him or her of the MPO. (FN10)

(back to top)

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

How much does it cost to get an MPO?

It does not cost anything to get a MPO.

(back to top)

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Are MPOs and civil protective orders valid where ever I go?

Thanks to a new law in 2003, your civil protective order or restraining order is valid on the base and can be enforced by military police. However, because this law is new, it may or may not actually be enforced on the base.(FN11)

MPOs are not enforceable off base. MPOs are administrative orders of the military and cannot be enforced by the civilian judicial system. In some places, if you have a MPO, local civilian police may notify the military police if an incidence occurs off base. (FN12)

(back to top)

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Do I need both an MPO and a civil protective order?

It may be a good idea to try to get both a MPO and a civil order. See the question above.

Also, if all the abuse occurred on the base, you can still get a civil protective order from the state's courts. Some courts may not realize that they can still grant you a civil protective order, so If you have trouble, be sure to get in touch with an advocate or a lawyer for help.

(back to top)

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Is any financial compensation available to me?

If your husband is separated from military service because of abuse, either by court-martial or administratively, then the military should provide you and your family members with financial, medical and dental benefits. This is called the Transitional Compensation Program.

If the commander is considering separating your husband from the military, you may want to check with your FAP counselor to make sure the commander prepares the appropriate documentation for you to receive these benefits. You may also check with FAP to find out what the monthly compensation amount will be for you and your children. (This section, FN13.)

(back to top)

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

What should I do if my abuser violates the MPO?

If your abuser violates your MPO, call the military police. If you are off the base, you can call 911 and ask them to contact the military police. The military police should contact the commander who issued the order about any MPO violation.

You may also want to contact your victim advocate and/or your FAP counselor if you have one.

A violation of an MPO constitutes a UCMJ violation under Article 90, Assaulting or Willfully Disobeying Superior Commissioned Officer or Article 92, Failure to Obey Order or Regulation.

Depending on a number of factors, a violation of an MPO may result in non-judicial punishment, court-martial proceedings or other disciplinary measures. (FN14)

See also "Range of Potential Responses – Rule 306 of the United States Manual for Courts-Martial" in the FAP Commanders Guide.

(back to top)

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Will the military take away my abuser's firearms?

If your abuser is a member of the military or is a civilian employee of the military and has:

a misdemeanor or felony conviction for a crime of domestic violence in a civilian court, or
a conviction for a crime of domestic violence at a general or special court-martial,
then the military can:

retrieve any government issued firearms and ammunition, and
suspend the individual’s authority to possess government issued firearms and ammunition.
The military will not take away firearms for:

summary court-martial convictions,
nonjudicial punishment,
deferred prosecutions in civilian courts, or
determinations of "substantiated" abuse by the FAP Case Review Committees.
Since MPOs are issued administratively by the commander, they are considered "nonjudicial." So if you have an MPO against your abuser, the military will not take away his firearms unless he also has a conviction of domestic violence.

It is also important to note that this rule is not always enforced. (This section FN15.)

See also:

Policy Memoranda for Implementation of Domestic Violence Misdemeanor Amendment to the Gun Control Act for Military Personnel(pdf); and
Policy Memoranda for Implementation of Domestic Violence Misdemeanor Amendment to the Gun Control Act for DoD Civilian Personnel(pdf).

(back to top)

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Where can I find additional resources on the Internet?
A Considerable Service: An Advocate's Introduction to Domestic Violence and the Military" by Christine Hansen, Domestic Violence Report, published by Civic Research Institute.

Department. of Defense, Zero Tolerance Memorandum

Department of Defense, Military Protective Order, DD Form 2873, APR 2004. (sample MPO Form)

The Miles Foundation, Inc.
Phone: 203-270-7861
Email: [email protected]
Website: hometown.aol.com/milesfdn/
myhomepage/index.html
Support for military personnel, civilian and former spouses, intimate partners, and children, providing support services to victims of violence perpetrated by or upon military personnel.

Defense Task Force on Domestic Violence
Phone: 703-696-9395
Website: http://www.dtic.mil/domesticviolence
Congressionally mandated to evaluate domestic violence programs and policies in DoD and the military.

Military Family Resource Center
Phone: 703-696-9053
E-mail: [email protected]
Web site: http://www.mfrc-dodqol.org/dom....._violence/
The Military Family Resource Center (MFRC) provides information on DoD military family policies and programs.

The Minerva Center
Phone: 410-437-5379
Web site: http://www.minervacenter.com
Non-profit educational foundation supporting the study of military women and women in war. The Minerva Center also provides Internet support groups and a listserve.

National Center on Domestic and Sexual Violence
Phone: 512-407-9020
Military contacts: http://www.ncdsv.org/ncd_contacts.html
Military publications:
http://www.ncdsv.org/publicati.....itary.html
Contacts and publications from work with Defense Task Force on Domestic Violence.

National Military Family Association
Phone: 703-823-NMFA
Web site: http://www.nmfa.org
The National Military Family Association (NMFA) was created by wives and widows of military personnel who were seeking financial security. NMFA programs educate military families, the public, and Congress on the rights and benefits of military families.

National Organization for Victim Assistance
Phone: 202-232-6682
Web site: http://www.try-nova.org
The National Organization for Victim Assistance (NOVA) provides victim and witness assistance for criminal justice and mental health professionals, advocates, researchers, victims and survivors, and related professionals.

Center for Women Veterans
Department of Veterans Affairs
Phone: 202-273-6193
Website: www1.va.gov/womenvet/

(back to top)

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Bibliography of Webpage Content

(FN1) Toolkit to End Violence Against Women, Chapter 15. The Role of the U.S. Military in Preventing and Responding to Violence Against Women, National Advisory Council on Violence Against Women and the Violence Against Women Office.

(FN2) See, Military Protective Orders, Department of Defense, Office of Family Policy.

(FN3) See, Leaders Guide to Prevention of Family Violence, USMC Community Services. See also, Valerie Grosz, Family Violence Victims: Where to Turn, Lifelines200.org. See also, FAP Commander's Guide, Module 3: Stopping Violence in Couples and Families, Reporting Suspected Abuse, website published by Dept. of Defense, Family Advocacy Program.

(FN4) Defense Task Force on Domestic Violence, Third Year Report 2003, Section III, Chapter 8.

(FN5) FAP Commander's Guide, Module 3: Stopping Violence in Couples and Families, Basic Introduction to FAP, website published by Dept. of Defense, Family Advocacy Program.

(FN6) Toolkit, supra, note 1, page 1.

(FN7) FAP Commanders Guide, supra, note 5, Taking Action: The FAP Case Review Committee Clinical Substantiation.

(FN8) FAP Commanders Guide, supra, note 5, Reporting Suspected Abuse: Role of the Victim Advocate.

(FN9) Military Protective Orders, supra note 2.

(FN10) FAP Commanders Guide, supra, note 5, Reporting Suspected Abuse: Coordinating with the Installation Legal Office to Ensure Victim Safety.

(FN11) Battered Women Gain Protection on Military Bases, Marie Tessier, Women's eNews, August 29, 2003.

(FN12) FAP Commanders Guide, supra, note 5, Reporting Suspected Abuse: Coordinating with the Installation Legal Office to Ensure Victim Safety.

(FN13) FAP Commanders Guide, supra, note 5, Taking Action: Related Resources. See also, Title 10, U.S.C., section 1058, DoD Instruction 1342.24, Transitional Compensation for Abused Dependents.

(FN14) FAP Commanders Guide, supra, note 5, Reporting Suspected Abuse: Coordinating with the Installation Legal Office to Ensure Victim Safety.

(FN15) FAP Commanders Guide, supra, note 5, Reporting Suspected Abuse: Coordinating with the Installation Legal Office to Ensure Victim Safety.

(back to top)

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Bibliography of Did You Know Content:

A. Bureau of Justice Statistics Special Report, Intimate Partner Violence and Age of Victim, 1993-99, October 2001.

B. Heise, L., Ellsberg, M. and Gottemoeller, M. Ending Violence Against Women. Population Reports, Series L, No. 11., Dec. 1999.

C. Bureau of Justice Statistics, Violence Against Women: Estimates from the Redesigned Survey, August 1995.

(back to top)

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

..that your internet activity may not be totally safe? Please read our information on Internet Security.

...that you can email us any time, for any reason?
Contact Us

...that if your case involves more than one state or if there are guns involved, you can find a lawyer referral by calling the National Center on Full Faith and Credit (1-800-256-5883, ext. 2). They cannot represent you and cannot give you advice, but they can help you find a lawyer who can.

...that 85% of all people who are the victims in an abusive relationship are women? (A)

...that around the world, at least one in every three women has been beaten, coerced into sex or otherwise abused during her lifetime? (B)

...that women of all races are about equally vulnerable to violence by an intimate? (C)

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Terms and Conditions of Using this Website

Internet Security

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The information on this website is for informational purposes only and does not constitute legal advice. Terms and Conditions.

October 16, 2006
6:59 pm
Avatar
kasie919
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline
144sp_Permalink sp_Print

sheeeze.... sorry army, didnt realize it was this long..

hey did you ver go to that site,

wwwyourarenotcrazy.com??

you should, your not crazy if you read a bit you will see that is his intentions all along..

something i have to see as well..

love to you my cyber sister..

Kasie

October 16, 2006
7:06 pm
Avatar
armyleo
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline
145sp_Permalink sp_Print

Hi Kasie,

Yes I did go to that site. Honestly it was too hard, I did what mama, told me to do, and I did the intro. however, I couldn't get past that it was too hard.

I'll revist the site, when things are not sooo fresh in my mind.

Sometimes I find reading about abuse is too hard for me right now. It scares me Kasie.

I wrote you back on your other thread with Mama and Free.

Your cyber sister
ArmyAngel

October 16, 2006
7:41 pm
Avatar
kasie919
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline
146sp_Permalink sp_Print

Army I know it is hard, I sat there the first time and just watched that over and over,,cried my eyes out couldnt believe it,

i kept saying thats him, thats me, thats my life, what did i do???

it really hurt,

now i just feel so numb dont know if ill ever heal..

Love to you,
Kasie

October 16, 2006
8:04 pm
Avatar
armyleo
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline
147sp_Permalink sp_Print

Kasie,

I'm not where you are, so I can't tell you I know the feeling or your pain...

But from reading other posts, somehow you WILL emerge on the other side. Maybe a little tattered, with a little of your stuffing hanging out, but with everyone's help on this board you will make it.

Keep writing to mama, to free, they seem wise and have made it through.

LovingLife likes to sing, she is contageous... Someday you will be singing the song.. I made it through the rain

We dreamers have our ways...Of facing rainy days...And somehow we survive

We keep the feelings warm...Protect them from the storm...Until our time arrives

Then one day the sun appears...And we come shining through those lonely years

I made it through the rain...I kept my world protected...I made it throught the rain...And found myself respected...By the others who
Got rained on too...And made it through

You cyber sister
ArmyAngel

October 16, 2006
8:32 pm
Avatar
kasie919
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline
148sp_Permalink sp_Print

YOu made me cry !!

you are truly an angel,

thank you!!!

October 17, 2006
12:16 pm
Avatar
bevdee
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 259
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline
149sp_Permalink sp_Print

Miss Army,

Good morning. I hope you find some small strength and comfort today. I don't do the praying thing, but I have been sending you my love, and trying to impose my will through the universe - by willing to you and your daughters a safe passage out of your situation.

Love to you all

Bevdee

October 17, 2006
12:27 pm
Avatar
armyleo
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline
150sp_Permalink sp_Print

Hi Bevdee,

Thanks for thinking of me. I needd the positives vibes today.

ArmyAngel

Forum Timezone: UTC -8
Most Users Ever Online: 349
Currently Online:
29
Guest(s)
Currently Browsing this Page:
1 Guest(s)
Top Posters:
onedaythiswillpass: 1134
zarathustra: 562
StronginHim77: 453
free: 433
2013ways: 431
curious64: 408
Member Stats:
Guest Posters: 49
Members: 111089
Moderators: 5
Admins: 3
Forum Stats:
Groups: 8
Forums: 74
Topics: 38628
Posts: 714443
Newest Members:
thomson, BenjaminGresham, answerhope, kenseeley, soofibeauty, lifesyncm
Moderators: arochaIB: 1, devadmin: 9, Tincho: 0, Donn Gruta: 0, Germain Palacios: 0
Administrators: admin: 21, ShiningLight: 572, emily430: 29

Copyright © 2020 MH Sub I, LLC. All rights reserved.
Terms of Use | Privacy Policy | Cookie Policy | Health Disclaimer | Do Not Sell My Personal Information