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Army, are you here?
October 12, 2006
3:21 pm
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Army, are you here honey? please let us know how you are doing.
I am worried about you.
if you are here please talk to us,

October 12, 2006
3:25 pm
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ggfred4
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me, too!

October 12, 2006
4:27 pm
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ScaredinMichigan
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Army,

I am starting to worry about you honey, are you ok? Please check in and let us know that you are ok soon please.

Scared

October 12, 2006
4:33 pm
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mamacinnamon
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((( STILL HOLDING YOU CLOSE )))

October 12, 2006
4:36 pm
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I am praying for you and your children, I hope you are all safe.

October 12, 2006
4:39 pm
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red blonde
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Me, too, am concerned about you and for you!

Please check in!

Love, hugs and prayers (((((ARMY)))))

Red

October 12, 2006
4:52 pm
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armyleo
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He took me to a little clinic, took pics hairline fracture,, i'm okay i guess - he explained me away

in bed all day I don't want to face anyone

hate emyself because I was so close, but couldn't do it.

I don't know if i will keep posting I feel like I failed, embarassed, ashamed,..

he took the girls to school, then his mom will pick them up.

October 12, 2006
4:59 pm
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dont feel like you failed, there are many steps and you have to take them at your own pace.
dont give up on yourself, we are not going to give up on you.

October 12, 2006
5:01 pm
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Anonymous
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You can´t feel like you failed, embarassed, ashamed. Let´s not go that way, ok? Youre a worthwhile person. You just need to remind yourself of that. My father beat my mom a couple of times and I havent healed from that at 47!! Do it for your girls if you cant do it for yourself. In order to do that, you can´t give up on yourself! It looks like his mom knows about it but ignores it, hoping youll just submit. Thats no environment to live in. Youll get sick of it. Your girls will get hurt emotionally if not physically. Take care of yourself.

October 12, 2006
5:09 pm
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armyleo
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don't care about anything right now, my mind shutting down

October 12, 2006
5:19 pm
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lovinglife
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((( Army ))) your taking steps getting closer - keep posting, PLEASE.

Having AAC now in your life for one you are never going to feel alone again, and two you will feel the support and encouragement you need to get this to stop. It is going to stop Army, it's going to stop. Don't feel like you failed at anything, don't feel ashamed, don't feel embarrassed- that is what the abusers want us to feel- doesn't make sense when it should be them.

You have to make a plan. Can you start with that? You will have many people behind you, helping you with ideas, and supporting/encouraging you. Please don't shut this out of your life, AAC is such a blessing to so many people and soon you will be singing its praises too. There have been many things I've said in here about my life that I at first felt ashamed about - but that’s only because I held it in for so long and didn't think anyone would understand, thought I was all alone. The people here did understand, and someday you will be on the other end, understanding/encouraging the next woman (or man) that has a similar story or just being their to support a fellow human being in pain. There are many of us in here that felt like we were a mess during those first weeks of posting and didn't think our pain would end or that life would get better, but it does when we continue to fight for it...doesn't happen overnight, but it happens.

Don't give up... you have been so beaten down hon, damn I've been there...

October 12, 2006
5:23 pm
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mamacinnamon
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armyangel (((still holding you close)))

Will you at least tell us if you were safe last night? are you ok? ok as in a sense not hurt again.

Please honey talk to us.

October 12, 2006
5:31 pm
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mamacinnamon
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HOney...... where oh where is armyangel? please come talk. Hey, I talked to you yesterday; today you talk to me. PWWEEZE

October 12, 2006
5:38 pm
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lovinglife
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just thought of something....if he took you into the clinic Army, this just may be the time for something...he will not know if the doctor reported suspected abuse...anyone have ideas on this or following me here ??? How can Army use this to give her strength?

October 12, 2006
5:40 pm
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Army, my therapist once told me that when we start to heal sometimes when we take one step forward we take another back, but not to give up, you are getting emotionally drained right now, thats OK, rest your emotions and your mind, after we take so many steps back, we actually get stronger, my mind shut down a lot...... it is our bodys way of saying Hey, what is going on here....

i look back at where i was and think Dang, was that me, i dont regret any of the backward steps because i was able to finally take the step out of the relationship, for that i am proud.

your day will come, for today, rest your head, dont regret the step back, think of it as a necessary step forward. you are learning how to be stronger. i am proud of you.

Please at least stay with us and keep us posted on how you are doing, when you are ready for the next baby step we will all be here to help you get there, you are not alone.

October 12, 2006
5:41 pm
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mamacinnamon
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LL:

I am not following. can you explain more?/ Did AA go to the hosptial?

October 12, 2006
5:44 pm
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lovinglife
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mama I think he took Army to a clinic...she has hairline fractures... maybe I mis-read the post above from her...

October 12, 2006
5:52 pm
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mamacinnamon
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thank you LL. I missed that

ArmyAngel.... Honey you take care of you. Rest, think, sleep, read your Bible. Yesterday was a lot to take in I know. Please at least keep reading and then when you are ready you post to us.

Honey, I just saw a website on another thread and I want you to look at it. If you do nothing else today at least take a look at this website. Go thru the introduction over and over if you need to.

Honey, I just saw it and I am having a bit of a hard time dealing myself right now so i'm gonna go for a bit. Please tho.. I hold you close. Please go watch it.

http://www.youarenotcrazy.com

Honey check this out. Please.

October 12, 2006
6:02 pm
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ggfred4
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army, You did not fail. If you believe this, then we all have failed. It is like you are on a journey and sometimes you just have to go back and start over because you can't continue forward. It's okay, because everytime you try, everytime you communicate to us, everytime you learn and educated yourself, YOU are becoming STRONGER without even realizing it.

I started counseling, quit...started anti-depressants, quit...started reading and working on sex abuse workbooks, quit...Am I failure? Was it all in vain? No, I learned something each time and hopefully and better because of it.

Don't ever give up, please. Don't feel we are pressuring you; we just care so much and want what is best for you....((((((((armyleo))))))))))

October 12, 2006
6:06 pm
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Army, i have to go home now and i dont have internet there.
i have been thinking about you all day, i will pray for you again,
listen to mama, at least read the threads, i will try to keep this one going so you can find it when you are ready to come back.
baby steps.
for now, take a deep breath and imagine us there holding you. i will check in again tomorrow.

Love Elle

October 12, 2006
6:56 pm
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revelation
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My god I can't believe he did this, I so wish I could be there to help you my dear friend. Please rest up and then come back and let it all out.

Thinking of you,
Rev.

October 12, 2006
7:31 pm
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hello army,

Please keep holding on. And feel whatever you feel, it's OK to be embarrassed and ashamed. The important thing is you're not hiding it, you're sharing it with us. Sharing each step you take in any direction... and it's the staying connected that is so healing. It's the isolation that destroys.

One day you will look back and understand why we are all telling you you are being brave to come here and share your journey with us. You are being very brave, and you are following your inner drive to be healthy and leave the abuse behind.

Good thoughts to you. No one here is judging you... please know that.

take good care of you, (((hugs))) from kroika

October 12, 2006
9:03 pm
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kasie919
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Hello Army Angel,

Im sorry to have come here and read this post, I have sat here and cried for almost what seems eternity..

I feel as if Ive failed you some how.And i am sovery sorry he broke your arm..

I know what your thinking right now,

"I deserved it"It was my fault, I should be a better person, mother wife..And he is full of apologies, im sorrys, please forgive me, i will make this up to you, please dont tell on me, i will get help....

Funny, Im feeling he same way right now, suddenly today, i have hit the lowest i think ive ever felt, Im struggling to understand my purpose, and actually have thought maybe I should go back...
Ive been sick about it all day, I dont feel up to talking so after i write, im turning off my computer..

I have made som many mistakes in my life Im not sure I will ever get anything right, I think maybe my sonwould be better off wioth his dad since im not a ver good person, I dont even love myself, ..

I know how your feeling right now, that sick repulsion that makes you just want to die, that makes you wish you coulod go to sleep and not wake up..

My head is pounding right now, ive not felt this way in so long it hit me like a freight train..

I wanna give up but know i cant for my sons sake, i dont want to go back but im not sure about anything any more, im finanacially struggling, unable to follow through with anything, my support papers are still lost, im behind on daycare, my son may not be able to go any more, which means i will loose my job, my truck is about to repoed,

I just dont know if i can fight any more..

I know every one will feel dissapointed and mad at me, its ok, i feel that way to myself, it sickening, hes gonna win....

I want to die....my son deserves better.......

I wish you well Army, you are truly an angel,just with a broken wing...

some day i will see you amongst the stars.....

Love Kasie

October 12, 2006
10:49 pm
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Ladeska
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Armyleo, I don't mean to be butting in here but you posted on my other thread and well, I couldn't help but post here....reading this, knowing how you feel..

I can't tell you how many times I've felt like this, the shutting down thing, broken inside and out, too tired to care, to think, needing rest, not feeling well, not eating, sleeping...just taking whatever crumb because you don't have strength to do anything else. It all boils down to - whatever.....

I'm not sure you will come and read this or post anymore. I understand that, too. But without knowing what the facts really are and only reading between the lines, I'm thinking that he's being extremely abusive to you and has now physically hurt you, which I wonder if this was the first time, probably not.

And I know quite a bit about "telling on someone" like this, too. So many times the tables are stacked against you on that one. I also know the tactics of making "you" look like the crazy one because that's all someone sees on paper, in documents and all the people who come to stand up and talk - say. Because maybe you don't have anyone on your side or not sure if you do.

Been there, quite a few times.

The only think of value I guess I can tell you right now is that for one thing, you have to get to a place where - you can gain strength. I know you have children, they are in school and all that but there comes a time when a line has to be drawn here.

And you do not want him to continue you to paint "you" as the one with the problem and the crazy and an imcompetent mother, blah, blah. Know the drill. It's boring but very real.

Tape recorders are wonderful, pictures of injuries, and documentation is good. Witnesses that will put it down in writing for you, not just say - yea, I'll speak up for you when you call me. Get them to write it down, dates, blow by blow and have them sign it.

But actually when you are at this place and just too tired and actually in alot of danger and so are your children - this is really the time to just walk. You put them in the car, take whatever money, etc., that you can - you go to an abuse shelter or to the sheriff or whoever and say - I'm not going back there.

You get a restraining order and whatever you have to do here. It may mean you take that last bit of steam and just use it to blast out of there but sometimes, that's all you can do. I mean you "can" sit there and basically let him gut you and do whatever to the children, too, I might add....but I don't think you really, really want to do that, do you?

We have to demand our rights sometimes. Regardless of what's hurled at us. You stand......and you keep standing, even though you are so weak you don't think you can, you do it anyway.

I'm not one to "admire" what war brinigs out in people. But to me, it's not so much that "that did it to you" as it is - it brought out something that was always there. It's just now you have the right to do it, or so someone thinks. But if someone is told "it's okay" in one setting and then comes home, it's hard for the entitlement to just turn off.

If I can rape and cause harm somewhere else and it's approved of, why can't I do it here? Real warped reasoning however you want to slice it and don't get me started on - it was okay to do it......."there".

That sense of entitlement is psychopathic and it's very dangerous. If you have any strength left in you at all here, you need to think very hard and very long about your children.....

What you do nothing about - you allow.

I'm still here and I've been where you are. Feeling like the whole world is against me and caving in from all sides. Know it well. But the human spirit and will....is extremely powerful. It just can't do it's thing when it's not allowed to.

If you never flip the switch and do a follow-through, how can you really say that - you can't do it?

I'm sooo sorry you are where you are. It's a horrible place, the bottom of the pit. But I learned to make that pit my home sometimes... It's like, you know - FINE, I'm here, I've fallen into this hole, okay fine. Soooo....what are my options and what can I do about this, really DO about it? So what if the options don't look all that good. Sometimes you just pick one and do it. But you'll never do anything laying in a heap on the floor wondering when the next round of attacks is going to start. And you won't do it being a robot either, numbing out and supposedly not caring. I know you love your children more than this.....and I know in time, you will and can learn to "love you". So for now - rest. And don't listen so much to the self-critic in your head either. That voice....is so often the voice of your accuser or accusers and predatory people in your past and isn't "your voice" at all. Learn to tell it to - shut the hell up.

Please write these lovely people, write me on my thread if you want to. I'm here for you.

October 13, 2006
1:00 am
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armyleo
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Willl respond to all later. I ccouldn't stay away....It's like theirs a special bond to you guys don't know how to explain.
Today is worst, my eye more swololen, and it hurts to walk.

Please can someone check Kasie....I will fell responsible if somethinghappens.

Thaqnk you for caring, I can feel you guys over here,

I don't know if i can continue though

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