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ARGH.
October 14, 2004
9:56 am
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Cici
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Why oh why oh why do I even bother to take calls from my ex-BF. At least my husband in prison is NICE to me. I can't even block exBF's cellphone because he calls my house and bellsouth won't let me block a friggin cellphone number, so help me jeebus.

He called last night and said he would call me when he woke up, stupid me. I did get a phone call - from his mom (who he lives with, I know, what a loser - what do I even see in this dud??????? oh yeah he has a hot bod. ugh). ....

He had gone out all night again and she was wondering if he was with me. Nice news to hear at 6:30 in the morning. What a total f***-up, and why oh why do I keep DOING this stupid dance. I am sick of myself, I swear to high heaven.

i hate that stupid a$$hole, he is dumb as rocks and the only thing he has going for him is his perfect bone structure and all those muscles. He's a 6'3, 200 lbs lummox who has muscle tissue inside his skull instead of gray matter.

I can't even go out to dinner with this Oaf, we have nothing to talk about, he has no basic understanding of philosophy, or history, or ANYTHING, and he's a republican who has based his political beliefs on FOX NEWS of all places. Stupid dumba$$ goes out and gets wasted and doesn't go to work and bitches about having to pay car insurance, HELLO, everyone who is a responsible adult who owns a car in this country has to pay insurance, stop spending $50/night on alcohol you alcoholic butthead.

Oh, yeah, and don't go telling me that you want this that or the other from me, or accusing me of being inconsistent when you can't hold down a JOB for more than 2 FREAKING MONTHS. HOW long did I support your dumba$$?

Why won't you stop calling me?????? Why won't I stop answering the phone????

I should just give up and change my phone number, so help me god, and then he would just start stalking me and driving by my house and he knows I forget to lock the porch sometimes (hey I have a pitbull who will eat anyone's head off if they break into my house, and besides I have nothing of value except my computer, ha ha ha), and he has actually snuck into my house before WHILE I WAS SLEEPING and tried to crawl into bed with me. I woke up and did that crazy kung fu pose all disheveled and half-asleep, freaking out because my dogs were going nuts and he was getting attacked by the sheperd and the pitbull while the little black midget dog bark and nipped his feet.

I think about all the dumb crap he has pulled, being a cokehead (I might smoke pot but cokeheads are umpteen times worse), selling coke and crack, stealing money from my purse, staying out all night - and two, TWO different female have either called me or talked to me face to face to tell me he was screwing them, too, and all he has to say is oh that's not true.

Creep.

/rant

sorry about that. whew.

October 14, 2004
10:18 am
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Freya
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Go Cici!!!! Let it go! I had to chuckle at a few things you said- it was really close to home. "Why won't I stop answering the phone?" I eventually had to turn my ringer off and hope anyone important left messages. Stay strong and be well, Freya.

October 14, 2004
11:15 am
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CAMER
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Cici: just get an answering machine and screen your calls!!! do not let this monster back into your life, he has nothing to offer you (except a nice body, hubba hubba) but seriously,
he is a druggie, can't hold down a job,lives with mommy, and has girls calling....he is a BUM...keep remembering this, that he is no good!!! Put yourself first, love yourself more and know you can do so much better without this jerk!!! I think the more you vent too helps, cuz it sounds to me from your post that you are sooooo sick of this jerk!!

October 14, 2004
11:17 am
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Cici
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He called me at work and was all, I wanted to apologize. I was silent and he got all pissy, demanding that I "talk about it with him" - which is stupid because I'm at work how unprofessional is THAT. (ha ha - I can type and look busy but I can't be chatting on the telephone, or arguing and crying for chrissake.

Dumbass.

October 14, 2004
11:18 am
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Cici
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And I feel like 50% of the dumbass is me....like I'm the "dumb" part and he's the "ass" part. har har har.

Thanks camer and freya. I am sick of him....ugh.

October 14, 2004
11:28 am
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Anonymous
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Cici- well at least he didnt go psycho like Mr. Jack did, I wrote it all in "is this physical abuse" thread. I hate him. I think we need to strive for so much better. I'm kinda weirded out right now just from the whole Mr. Jack thing, I have never been scared from him before. JERK makes me scared, screw him he can have no power over me. Jerk. They are all jerks,

October 14, 2004
11:59 am
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CAMER
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cici: don't call yourself dumb...i have made choices in my life choosing the "bad boys" thinking that yes, they will fall in love with me and things will change, it never happens that way. They are what they are...take this as a learning experience, and it'll make your next relationship healthier.

October 14, 2004
12:22 pm
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kathygy
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cici, why are you talking to him at all? what's stopping you from changing your phone number? are you getting something out of holding on to this man who you see as a jerk?

October 14, 2004
12:29 pm
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Cici
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Why am I talking to him? I have no clue. That's probably why I started this thread with "why oh why oh why...."

I can have all this insight into other people's behaviors and when it comes to my own I am at a loss.

I don't even know what I get from this guy - the drama that I crave, most likely.

October 14, 2004
12:36 pm
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Anonymous
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And the unpredictableness, I know that feeling, but in the end it will hurt you so much worse. Trust me I know i am going through it right now, and it sucks worse than anything ever has before.

October 14, 2004
1:04 pm
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Cici
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He's already been abusive, but so have I so I don't bother to tell anyone because it's enbarrassing.

He has spit on me on three different occassions during arguments, not just spit near me but in my face.

Last time we argued I back-handed him across the face three times, and he slapped me, grabbed my $200 designer glasses off my face and snapped them in two while I was trying to drive. I stopped the car and he got out and tried to pull the back bumper off my car (he got about 1/4 of it off, so it kinda dangles a little. I told my parents I got rear-ended.)

I've also attacked him with a broomstick. He says that I am physically abusive to him, but I am 5'1 and 120 lbs. He is 6'3 and 200 lbs.

October 14, 2004
1:10 pm
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Anonymous
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Cici- I think we could be twins. I know that feeling. I have never been abusive, but I was pushing him to get by him last night I should have stayed as far away from him as I could. There are so many times I want to hit him, but I don't and won't just because I know that I would feel really bad. I almost laughed at the bumper thing I know it's not funny but the mental pciture kinda was. To go to that extreme. Sometimes there is something about being able to be totally psycho and freaked out with someone that is nice because you know you cant be that way with anyone else. The bad thing is we shouldnt be that way I guess.

October 14, 2004
2:41 pm
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Cici
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you know - that was an extremely insightful comment...."Sometimes there is something about being able to be totally psycho and freaked out with someone that is nice because you know you cant be that way with anyone else".

I have trouble dealing with my emotions and in a way being able to freak out is relaxing, if mostly horrifying.

Yeah the bumper thing, in retrospect, was hilarious, especially because I drove off and left him standing in the middle of a four-lane road in rush hour traffic. At least I can have a sense of humor about it now.

October 14, 2004
3:17 pm
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sixfootblonde
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ROFL Cici, girl, you kill me.

The bumper thing and the dumb ... a$$ part.

Oh God, I needed a laugh. Thank you.

October 14, 2004
3:26 pm
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Anonymous
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Wow passionate relationships?.... or not. I think for me I love the adrenaline rush of when it gets to that "point" in arguements, the boiling point where one just snaps. I know in my relationship we would push each other to that point but then right before we calmed down before it got physical. We're not dumb though for being in these situations and falling for these losers. Just in love, or so we think.

October 14, 2004
3:37 pm
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Cici
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Eeeek. don't call don't call don't call don't call....s'like I just want to call just to start a dumb fight. I have pent up rage and anger and he is a stoolie, a scapegoat, something I can take out my frustrations on and feel ok about it because he is so moronic and incapable of being in an adult relationship. Like that makes it excuseable or anything. But in my warped mind it does.......

October 14, 2004
11:10 pm
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I guess you can't really slam down most of these new phones! It's not as satisfying as it used to be when you could slam down a receiver with out breaking it, but hanging up every time he calls will drive home the message.

Even obsessed stalkers get tired.

-ella

October 14, 2004
11:20 pm
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art angel
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Cici,
LOL I have to laugh at the part about doing kung fu all disheveled.. . 🙂
my ex b'f was a cokehead too, only he told me he quit and then when he broke up with me he said he'd been doing it all summer! Dumbass. We don't need those losers. No wonder they are always broke. Coke's expensive... My ex also doesn't know how to be in an adult relationship. Cici, you know you deserve better than someone like him. I would like to kick him for spitting in your face. that makes me cry.

October 15, 2004
12:08 pm
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Cici
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Aw don't cry. The third time he spit on me I threw a bottle of water all over him and jumped on his head like a monkey (no joke). I wasn't even intoxicated in any way. I tried to scratch his eyes out and got pulled off of him...it took two guys, and I held on to his shirt so tight it ripped off.

He called me again last night and instead of hanging up I ended up weeping hysterically, and amongst the random feelings of anguish I realized that I was just hysterically upset about how I subconsciously feel about all my relationships.

I said, why do you keep building me up and using me and then throwing me away like garbage, then fishing me out of the garbage when you get lonely and doing it all over again?

But I really feel that way about myself - like I do this to myself a lot. Sometimes I think he is just the mask I use to cover up the hateful creature inside me that hates me. I use him as a scapegoat, but the person who I really hate is myself.

October 15, 2004
12:17 pm
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CAMER
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Cici: you kinda said it in your last post....don't use "him" as a person to define who YOU are...you don't need him or any man to feel good. That has to come from within, start loving yourself more, you can do it, he is no good for you, keep re reading all the above posts and you will see what a bad person he is. You have lots of love inside yourself that needs to shine, and not be with him!

October 17, 2004
8:32 pm
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Molly
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''The person I really hate is my self." Why Cici? you are the only one that knows the truth. This does go in hand with some of your other behavior. He isn't a mask perhaps, but a diversion that seems to serve some need of self destruct, that you are working. Makes a great target for your anger. Want him, hate him, need him, I understand, and so do you, but there are other ways.

October 17, 2004
10:44 pm
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Cici
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I have tried to understand this my whole life: why do I hate myself so much? When there are so many other people I can blame. Why is it that I worked so hard to try to forgive everyone and I have yet to make the effort to forgive myself?

Why do I want to self destruct, why do I want to destroy myself? Why have I wanted to destroy myself for as long as I can remember?

why do i feel to need to so strongly fixate on anyone who is remotely emotionally unavailable?

I used to call it my python, curled at the bottom of my spine - the thing inside me that is filled with a blind rage, a pointless anger at the very creature who has given birth to it: me.

I have walked down this street and fallen down this hole so many times. it is habit. I will climb out like i always do. one day i'll figure out that maybe i should try walking down another street.

i get so caught up in trying to understand myself. i hope i don't have another stupid mental breakdown. i can't afford it right now, ha ha ha.

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