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Are you sure no one can be changed?
March 2, 2006
12:18 am
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ryny143
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I want him to change SO bad!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I keep going back bc I have hope that he will be the person he says he will be, but he never is. I feel like I should convince him to go to counseling with me, and change how I act, so maybe he's have nothing to be so mean about. He seems to react to some of my actions, so maybe if I change THOSE things, the main problems will go away? I may sound so dumb, but it seems kinda logical. I feel this way when he is "abusing" me, but when he isnt, I think I come to my senses. His promises, I want to believe, so I do, knowing they are false. On the other hand, when he is CRUEL & CARELESS I get extremely needy. Please.....help......in any way

March 2, 2006
1:28 am
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turnabout
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Interesting that you phrased the question that way ... Are you sure no one can be changed?

Sure, people can change. People change all the time. I see myself changing on an almost daily basis here lately.

But you didn't ask if people can change. You asked if people can BE changed.

That's free will, baby. What would a human life really be worth if someone could come along and readjust everything for it? It would be rather like playing w/ a Barbie doll. Sure, it can make one feel special being able to see how things SHOULD be and to try bringing those scenarios to life, but it takes the other person using HIS free will in choosing to create and nurture a bond w/ you to have a REAL relationship.

You WANT him to choose to do this, but this isn't the choice he's making. The only way to change him, is to make his choices for him. How fulfilling would that be?

All we can realistically do, and all our responsibility is, is to present a person with the information that will enable them to make a well-informed, conscientious decision. They have the freedom to ignore the information if that's what they want, and many of choose to. A surprising number of people aren't really interested in making the right decision or the best decision. They just want to make the easy decision, and if that's what they really want, what are ya gonna do? It's THEIR decision.

March 2, 2006
5:43 am
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revelation
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Weeeelll...lets put it this way, if you could drag'em to some illicit brain-surgeon to have a frontal labotomy...yeh, they can be changed that way.

Seriously though, I agree with turnabout, nobody but nobody can change anyone else. Any no matter what the guy says, nobody can change FOR someone else, oh...you could TRY to change FOR someone else, but it won't work unless you really want to change anyway. I've changed...most definitly, I've made such such huge changes in my outlook and my emotional health and my general way of doing things and my general attitude...so so so so much, but I could never have done that for anyone...it was a realisation that:
a. I didn't like who I was
b. I wasn't being true to myself or anyone else
c. The way I was wasn't making me happy.

So I researched and read and got help and I am where I am today...and I'm STILL changing. But some people just haven't (and some never will) yet looked at themselves that closely, some (and some never will) haven't figured out that nothing and nobody can make you content...it must come from within...from being comfortable in your skin. These are all realisations that some people figure out and some don't, there are lots of unhappy, miserable, sad, lonely people in the world (More than you realise, they are good at "faking it") who would be happy if they could only look inside their own heads to find the cause of their problems instead of blaming everyone else. Your boyfriend may change today, tomorrow, next year or never. You can coax and cajole and guilt and appease him all you want...it still won't make him change or want to change.

I will say one thing though...I'm only realising this myself....if you give people enough time on their own to think about stuff, it may help him to cop-on to himself. It may not work...but then again, it might. Some time in isolation, no contact for a couple of months...you could try it.

March 2, 2006
12:36 pm
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kathygy
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ryn,

"when he is CRUEL & CARELESS I get extremely needy"

Why not angry?

You do deserve to be abused like this no matter what your actions.

It doesn't matter that he said says about changing if he is not taking any steps to change like going to therapy.

People do grow and change all the time but only if they take some actions and have a very strong desire to change.

Waiting around for him to change sound svery futile meanwhile you are getting abused.

This sounds like a very bad situation.

I think you need to take care of yourself today and remove yourself from a relationship with an abusive man.

March 2, 2006
7:49 pm
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lollipop3
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Ryny,

I don't mean to speak for Kathy, but I just wanted to point out that I am postive that she meant to say....

"You DO NOT deserve to be abused like this no matter what your actions."

I know that you are in a bit of a fragile state and I wanted you to be clear of Kathy's intention. (Kathy, forgive me for speaking for you, I just needed to point that out)

Please, get the help that you need and really start concentrating on taking care of you. You don't deserve to be treated that way.

Take care,
Lolli

March 2, 2006
8:03 pm
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gingerleigh
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Oh gosh, yeah! It's so funny, on many many posts we leave out a NOT here and there or put them in when we don't mean it, and we end up with these crazy sentences like "I want a relationship with strings attached" or "You are not worthy to be treated like a normal human being"... you read it and you know that it was finger typing madness that left in the word or left it out...

Damn you, fingers, for not moving at the same speed as my brain!!!

March 3, 2006
7:38 am
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hopeful for change
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I agree they can change but its up to them, we cant convince them to change, it will drive u insane trying trust me. I have a habit of seeing what someone could be,,instead of what they are..and trying to make them see the light,doesnt work.

March 3, 2006
8:12 am
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revelation
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ready for change...I have a habit of doing that too....I'm not going to waste my own life anymore trying to "show him the way". He's flushing his own life down the toilet...I'm not getting flushed away with him!

March 3, 2006
9:03 am
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startingover
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We all have the advantages that we're realizing there's a problem, and however hard it may be, we're getting away from it, even if it's only here on these threads. These are chaotic lives we live, with addicts.

I am sure no one can be changed. Change is difficult even in healthy humans. We can only change ourselves, and look how hard even that can be!

Ryny, you may need to quit going back. These guys have a certain appeal, they see us coming, too. I'm sorry to be negative, but that has always been my experience.

March 3, 2006
9:21 am
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codyrn
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I keep trying to change others and then end up being so upset with them because THEY did not listen.
In all honesty, I as well as you may have wonderful ideas to help others....but the question is at what length and expense are we willing to work on THEIR issues...?
We really can't becasue we all make choices...it's that free will thing. But we do have a choice on whether or not we are exposed to or affected by someone else's actions and reactions....we have a choice in these situations.
I'm petrified of some of those choices because it may require that I remove myslef from the situation to protect myself and allow the other person to continue to do whatever they choose to do.

Abuse comes in many forms.....physical, financial, emotional ....and it does not have to be blatantly out there.
The only person we can really change is ourselves, and by doing so ...we change how we react,feel and live our lives.

March 3, 2006
9:26 am
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jastypes
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Poor sweetie, I know just where you are. People do change. I've changed. I've also spent 20 years hoping my husband would change, trying to change him, trying to suggest ways he should change, finding counselors for him, threatening him with divorce, and on and on and on.

I have come to the end. If he changes absolutely anything in his life, it will have to come from someplace deep within himself or from a higher power. As for me, I am wiping my hands clean, dusting myself off, and worrying only about MY behavior from now until the day I die, God willing.

jill

March 4, 2006
2:08 am
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ryny143
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I just came home and read all your responses & I wanna thank you. All of your words really stick with me & as much as it may seem like I am totally hopeless, I feel stronger everyday, thanks to you guys. And best of luck in your own situations!

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